Cultural aspect of an ill father

[retodd1000]

Hello everyone! I hope everybody's New Year is off to a great start.

 

I had been planning to go to China in March, to meet SuLi for the first time. I was going to purchase my ticket this coming week. She asked me to wait until she got back from spending Chinese New Year at her hometown. Apparently her father is not feeling good, and her mom wants the family to stay longer than the typical two weeks.

 

She is not sure how long she will stay at her hometown, thus waiting until she returns to Zhuhai before I purchase my ticket. I'm wondering if it means anything being that she does not know when she will be home. She also mentions finding someone reliable to run her clothing store since she will not be back as soon as she expected. Might her father's "not feeling good" be serious?

 

Any input in to helping me understand will be welcome.

 

Thanks,

Todd

 

 

[Dennis143]

Hello everyone! I hope everybody's New Year is off to a great start.

 

I had been planning to go to China in March, to meet SuLi for the first time. I was going to purchase my ticket this coming week. She asked me to wait until she got back from spending Chinese New Year at her hometown. Apparently her father is not feeling good, and her mom wants the family to stay longer than the typical two weeks.

 

She is not sure how long she will stay at her hometown, thus waiting until she returns to Zhuhai before I purchase my ticket. I'm wondering if it means anything being that she does not know when she will be home. She also mentions finding someone reliable to run her clothing store since she will not be back as soon as she expected. Might her father's "not feeling good" be serious?

 

Any input in to helping me understand will be welcome.

 

Thanks,

Todd

 

 

Might her father's "not feeling good" be serious?

 

Well, sure it could be serious... or not. No one knows the answer to that. At this stage in your relationship, you have to be all in or fold. You are truly at her mercy in that you have to believe and trust what she tells you.

 

From a personal perspective, on my first attempt at this back in 2005, we only corresponded via email and seldom via instant message and never via webcam. I was forced into a position to simply believe on blind faith. There were days of insecurity when I would question her on things she said or not said. In essence, she perceived me as an untrusting, angry man and the relationship dissolved. In other words, she got cold feet.

 

Hopefully, the anecdote I give above might let you know what many of us have been where you're at now in your relationship. Just go with the flow and hang on for the ride.

[warpedbored]

I don't know your girlfriend so I don't want to disparage her but..... I think you would be wise to proceed with caution. Certainly a sick parent is serious in any culture and she would be expected to go home and weather out the storm but your trip is still 3 months out. I doubt the problem would persist that long. It is not unusual for some Chinese women to be talking to 2 or more men at the same time and choose the one who she thinks has the most to offer.. A sick parent is an excuse I've heard before. Sometimes followed up with a request for money to help the family. Just be careful at this point.

[Urkidding]

Hello everyone! I hope everybody's New Year is off to a great start.

 

I had been planning to go to China in March, to meet SuLi for the first time. I was going to purchase my ticket this coming week. She asked me to wait until she got back from spending Chinese New Year at her hometown. Apparently her father is not feeling good, and her mom wants the family to stay longer than the typical two weeks.

 

She is not sure how long she will stay at her hometown, thus waiting until she returns to Zhuhai before I purchase my ticket. I'm wondering if it means anything being that she does not know when she will be home. She also mentions finding someone reliable to run her clothing store since she will not be back as soon as she expected. Might her father's "not feeling good" be serious?

 

Any input in to helping me understand will be welcome.

 

Thanks,

Todd

 

 

As a rule, most women who will take you for a ride will want you to come right away. Come as you are and we can have a good time, spend your money and send you back. A logical person (male or female) will think things through and plan as you already have, however if something is not right you surely don’t want to go there and step in a pile of sh*t after she explain the situation. If the father is not feeling well, I sure wouldn’t want to go and make a visit if the “timing “is not right would you?

 

I have also (as well as other here) seen where a person is being set up and the next thing is she will need $10,000 for her father’s operation and recovery. I am not saying this is the case but I have read many stories where this occurs.

 

So for several reasons I would say, allow this space apart some additional time to know each other. This will help build understanding, build trust, make the relationship exciting and curious, and allow for you to really understand that person for what she really is. Also, don’t try to read her mind but put yourself in her shoes. If your father/mother were sick would you want her to come and visit? I also remember a long time ago when my momma once told me, “you aren’t marrying the girl, you’re marrying the whole family”.

 

Some of us old timers have seen a lot and we can offer you some of the best advise but you also have to (as Dennis has said) go with the flow and have fun while you’re at it.

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

Todd,

 

I can only echo what the others have already said. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. There are four puzzle pieces in your story that make it sound suspicious. The absence of one of those pieces would make it seem rather benign, but collectively, make it sound, well, puzzling.

 

Consider the following carefully:

 

1. You are traveling all the way from the US to see this woman for the first time

2. You will spend a lot of money to go to China

3. Your entire life and schedule now revolve around her

4. I assume you must take time off from work

5. She wants you to wait until AFTER CHINESE NEW YEAR??? Huge red flag in my view. She may be juggling another visitor and you're the back burner guy.

 

After considering these, and I read your post, it just doesn't seem that she is sending clear 'buy' signals. Surely she doesn't seem to be showing you the kind of respect that you deserve. It's not my intention to bring a downer to this, but I can say that when I've seen a Chinese woman who is ready and accepting, and has a pure heart, that she would move heaven and earth to make you comfortable and prepare for your arrival.

 

The timing of her father's illness is very suspicious, and when coupled with leaving your hanging makes it even more so. If she begins to ask for money from you, then your immediate response should be to RUN, and RUN FAST. It's way too early for her to be asking you or any man for money. A good woman would not do that.

Edited January 6, 2014 by GuangDongExpat (see edit history)

[credzba]

hmm .. and I am usually the downer guy

 

So, I'll go the other way .. her dad could be sick, pollution is bad, he is old who knows ?

 

I'll tell you a story I experienced ...

 

1) We had chatted on email a while, but she didn't know how to set up chat.

2) She told me she was out shopping and bought me a necklace with her whole paycheck, but it got stolen before she could get home

3) Then she had to be away from contact for a while.

 

Did she want money, should I run away ?

 

Well, in fact she is my wife of almost 7 years now

SHE DID spend her whole paycheck to buy me a necklace before we ever met.

SHE DID get robbed.

She bought me another one and I wear it to this day.

 

The problem is you can not tell.

Dennis's story could have ended differently, or maybe it was a setup .. no one knows.

 

There are bad people out there, there are also good people.

My wife and I often tell each other how lucky we were, because we both went into our relationship 100%, but blind and ignorant at the same time.

 

I think wait it out. If your the backup guy, well there are lots of other women.

If her dad is sick, you should be sympathetic.

[Dennis143]

 

Hello everyone! I hope everybody's New Year is off to a great start.

 

I had been planning to go to China in March, to meet SuLi for the first time. I was going to purchase my ticket this coming week. She asked me to wait until she got back from spending Chinese New Year at her hometown. Apparently her father is not feeling good, and her mom wants the family to stay longer than the typical two weeks.

 

She is not sure how long she will stay at her hometown, thus waiting until she returns to Zhuhai before I purchase my ticket. I'm wondering if it means anything being that she does not know when she will be home. She also mentions finding someone reliable to run her clothing store since she will not be back as soon as she expected. Might her father's "not feeling good" be serious?

 

Any input in to helping me understand will be welcome.

 

Thanks,

Todd

 

 

Might her father's "not feeling good" be serious?

 

Well, sure it could be serious... or not. No one knows the answer to that. At this stage in your relationship, you have to be all in or fold. You are truly at her mercy in that you have to believe and trust what she tells you.

 

From a personal perspective, on my first attempt at this back in 2005, we only corresponded via email and seldom via instant message and never via webcam. I was forced into a position to simply believe on blind faith. There were days of insecurity when I would question her on things she said or not said. In essence, she perceived me as an untrusting, angry man and the relationship dissolved. In other words, she got cold feet.

 

Hopefully, the anecdote I give above might let you know what many of us have been where you're at now in your relationship. Just go with the flow and hang on for the ride.

 

I just want to add that I was introduced to my former lady by her aunt Hua. Today my wife Leiqin and Hua are friends and chat frequently. My former intended is still single today and supposedly regrets having thrown in the towel so early especially after learning that I'm not such a bad guy after all.

 

My reason for adding this information is that we never know where these relationships will end. There can be a lot of twists and turns... some good some maybe not. One thing you can be certain of, your emotions will run on high and the total costs, just to bring her here, can run from $10000 to $15000.

 

BTW I met my wife Leiqin here in the US.

Edited January 6, 2014 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

 

 

Hello everyone! I hope everybody's New Year is off to a great start.

 

I had been planning to go to China in March, to meet SuLi for the first time. I was going to purchase my ticket this coming week. She asked me to wait until she got back from spending Chinese New Year at her hometown. Apparently her father is not feeling good, and her mom wants the family to stay longer than the typical two weeks.

 

She is not sure how long she will stay at her hometown, thus waiting until she returns to Zhuhai before I purchase my ticket. I'm wondering if it means anything being that she does not know when she will be home. She also mentions finding someone reliable to run her clothing store since she will not be back as soon as she expected. Might her father's "not feeling good" be serious?

 

Any input in to helping me understand will be welcome.

 

Thanks,

Todd

 

 

Might her father's "not feeling good" be serious?

 

Well, sure it could be serious... or not. No one knows the answer to that. At this stage in your relationship, you have to be all in or fold. You are truly at her mercy in that you have to believe and trust what she tells you.

 

From a personal perspective, on my first attempt at this back in 2005, we only corresponded via email and seldom via instant message and never via webcam. I was forced into a position to simply believe on blind faith. There were days of insecurity when I would question her on things she said or not said. In essence, she perceived me as an untrusting, angry man and the relationship dissolved. In other words, she got cold feet.

 

Hopefully, the anecdote I give above might let you know what many of us have been where you're at now in your relationship. Just go with the flow and hang on for the ride.

 

I just want to add that I was introduced to my former lady by her aunt Hua. Today my wife Leiqin and Hua are friends and chat frequently. My former intended is still single today and supposedly regrets having thrown in the towel so early especially after learning that I'm not such a bad guy after all.

 

My reason for adding this information is that we never know where these relationships will end. There can be a lot of twists and turns... some good some maybe not. One thing you can be certain of, your emotions will run on high and the total costs, just to bring her here, can run from $10000 to $15000.

 

BTW I met my wife Leiqin here in the US.

 

 

Dennis, I remember back when you went through that with the China woman. Today it seems to have been a wise choice for you as she's still single for a reason.

 

I can say that after living in China for nearly six years that it's no mystery to me or anyone the importance of Chinese New Year to the Chinese. This is a time for family, friends, and loved ones to get together. Everyone is a little different about how they spend this holiday, but it's my experience that it's a time to introduce new friends to your family. The festival lasts for 15 days, and most Chinese people get 7-10 consecutive days off from work.

 

If she's truly interested it's my view that she would be completely open and willing to accept Todd's visit to her hometown during Chinese New Year. Personally, if I travel all the way to China to meet someone, I would hope that she would not be ashamed of me and willing to introduce me to her family and friends before returning to the USA.

 

Another way of looking at it is that she may be cautious and wise and wants to spend one-on-one time with him before taking the next step, and then if all works out, be more open on a second visit. My experience with Chinese women has shown that nearly all Chinese women would jump at the chance to share all or part of the Chinese New Year with someone who is willing to travel so far to see them. It would make them happy and proud to show their family.

 

My Chinese fiance's view is that she may have a very traditional father and family who may not be willing to accept a foreigner at this point. So, she must handle it carefully

Edited January 6, 2014 by GuangDongExpat (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

 

 

 

Dennis, I remember back when you went through that with the China woman. Today it seems to have been a wise choice for you as she's still single for a reason.

 

I can say that after living in China for nearly six years that it's no mystery to me or anyone the importance of Chinese New Year to the Chinese. This is a time for family, friends, and loved ones to get together. Everyone is a little different about how they spend this holiday, but it's my experience that it's a time to introduce new friends to your family. The festival lasts for 15 days, and most Chinese people get 7-10 consecutive days off from work.

 

If she's truly interested it's my view that she would be completely open and willing to accept Todd's visit to her hometown during Chinese New Year. Personally, if I travel all the way to China to meet someone, I would hope that she would not be ashamed of me and willing to introduce me to her family and friends before returning to the USA.

 

Another way of looking at it is that she may be cautious and wise and wants to spend one-on-one time with him before taking the next step, and then if all works out, be more open on a second visit. My experience with Chinese women has shown that nearly all Chinese women would jump at the chance to share all or part of the Chinese New Year with someone who is willing to travel so far to see them. It would make them happy and proud to show their family.

 

My Chinese fiance's view is that she may have a very traditional father and family who may not be willing to accept a foreigner at this point. So, she must handle it carefully

 

Or, her father may be truly ill, maybe seriously, who knows?

 

Hopefully, Todd will keeps all apprised, as what we do know, we're all rooting for him.

[retodd1000]

Thanks everybody for the advise. I'll admit that I had my misgivings a few times since starting to talk with Suli. I am not concerned with it so much now. I did not mean to relay any doubt when I posed my questions.

 

It is mostly of a curiousity about the Chinese family culture. What are common practices and what can I expect?

 

I had read that the Chinese New Year was big deal for families. A coworker had a girlfriend from Taiwan. He said when her grandfather got sick, they called ALL of the family together because he might die soon. I love my parents, but I don't see leaving my job for a month or two to be there when the breathe their last. Also, I wasn't sure if talking about family situations with people outside of the family might be a chinese thing.

 

I know that in the beginning that her parents were not in favor of me. I have diabetes, and, at the time, I was pretty sure that i did not want children. We didn't talk for a month or two, because she didn't want to go against her parent's wishes. At some point, I sent her an email, asking her how she was doing. We've been talking ever since. February will be two years. In those two years, she has never asked me for a thing. She knows that I am not wealthy, and she is ok with that. (Just to get this out in the open, I'm going through the Chnlove.com website.) she doesn't like the amount of money I have to spend to talk to her, but with her english and my mandarin not being so good, I don't see a better way at the moment. I've sent her flowers, she loves them but tells me to save the money and give her flowers in person because it is cheaper. I think she would flip-out if she found out how much her birthday phone call cost me. Anyway, I'm rambling on...and in the wrong sub-forum. Haha!

 

I'm not sure where I stand in her families eyes, but said she will handle it in her own way. She recently told me that our life together is our business...

 

Again, thanks for the thoughtful concerns.

 

Todd

[Randy W]

Thanks everybody for the advise. I'll admit that I had my misgivings a few times since starting to talk with Suli. I am not concerned with it so much now. I did not mean to relay any doubt when I posed my questions.

 

It is mostly of a curiousity about the Chinese family culture. What are common practices and what can I expect?

 

I had read that the Chinese New Year was big deal for families. A coworker had a girlfriend from Taiwan. He said when her grandfather got sick, they called ALL of the family together because he might die soon. I love my parents, but I don't see leaving my job for a month or two to be there when the breathe their last. Also, I wasn't sure if talking about family situations with people outside of the family might be a chinese thing.

 

I know that in the beginning that her parents were not in favor of me. I have diabetes, and, at the time, I was pretty sure that i did not want children. We didn't talk for a month or two, because she didn't want to go against her parent's wishes. At some point, I sent her an email, asking her how she was doing. We've been talking ever since. February will be two years. In those two years, she has never asked me for a thing. She knows that I am not wealthy, and she is ok with that. (Just to get this out in the open, I'm going through the Chnlove.com website.) she doesn't like the amount of money I have to spend to talk to her, but with her english and my mandarin not being so good, I don't see a better way at the moment. I've sent her flowers, she loves them but tells me to save the money and give her flowers in person because it is cheaper. I think she would flip-out if she found out how much her birthday phone call cost me. Anyway, I'm rambling on...and in the wrong sub-forum. Haha!

 

I'm not sure where I stand in her families eyes, but said she will handle it in her own way. She recently told me that our life together is our business...

 

Again, thanks for the thoughtful concerns.

 

Todd

 

 

My advice - ABSOLUTELY get the human translators out of the picture. You'll see that you're talking to a different person entirely when you do. HOW different that person is will tell you a lot about WHO she is. You won't REALLY get to know her until you do.

 

Have her send you a message in Chinese characters. Use Google translate or other online translators. Parse the message in different ways by putting delimiters - periods, hypens, commas, etc. - in different places until the translation makes sense. She can do the same thing at her end with your message in English.

 

FREE - and a much more direct means of communication.

Edited January 6, 2014 by Randy W (see edit history)

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

....

 

I know that in the beginning that her parents were not in favor of me. I have diabetes, and, at the time, I was pretty sure that i did not want children. We didn't talk for a month or two, because she didn't want to go against her parent's wishes. At some point, I sent her an email, asking her how she was doing. We've been talking ever since. February will be two years. In those two years, she has never asked me for a thing......

 

Todd

 

It seems like you really care for this woman. May I ask whether she has ever been married, or has a child? If she has never had a child, then it's virtually certain that she wants a baby regardless what she says now. Having a baby in China is everything. This is the hope and dream of the entire family and there is a lot of pressure to produce one. It's been a sticky point for many men who have been very honest with a young Chinese woman that they did not want children. It's not unusual for a Chinese woman to accept that the man is not willing to have children at first, but she secretly hopes and will push to change his mind later.

 

Also, take what Randy has suggested very seriously to get the translators out of the picture. All your communication should only involve the two of you. There are translators available online for free include Bing Translator and Google Translator. While not perfect, you can copy and paste Chinese characters and get a good idea of the meaning.

 

I assume you've been very up front with her about children, which is probably why you guys didn't talk for a couple of months.

Edited January 6, 2014 by GuangDongExpat (see edit history)

[Steve in USA]

 

My advice - ABSOLUTELY get the human translators out of the picture. You'll see that you're talking to a different person entirely when you do. HOW different that person is will tell you a lot about WHO she is. You won't REALLY get to know her until you do.

 

Have her send you a message in Chinese characters. Use Google translate or other online translators. Parse the message in different ways by putting delimiters - periods, hypens, commas, etc. - in different places until the translation makes sense. She can do the same thing at her end with your message in English.

 

FREE - and a much more direct means of communication.

100% in agreement with Randy.

 

There is so much more to communication than words. Her body language and attention to you will tell more about her feelings. Also, a paid translator may try and play matchmaker and not give literal translations between you two. An iPhone, or in my case an iPad, using one of the many apps is the best way to see how you both work together to understand each other. That is, if she knows (or wants to know) some English. If she knows absolutely no English, you have some major challenges ahead.

[True Blue]

Thanks everybody for the advise. I'll admit that I had my misgivings a few times since starting to talk with Suli. I am not concerned with it so much now. I did not mean to relay any doubt when I posed my questions.

 

It is mostly of a curiousity about the Chinese family culture. What are common practices and what can I expect?

 

I had read that the Chinese New Year was big deal for families. A coworker had a girlfriend from Taiwan. He said when her grandfather got sick, they called ALL of the family together because he might die soon. I love my parents, but I don't see leaving my job for a month or two to be there when the breathe their last. Also, I wasn't sure if talking about family situations with people outside of the family might be a chinese thing.

 

I know that in the beginning that her parents were not in favor of me. I have diabetes, and, at the time, I was pretty sure that i did not want children. We didn't talk for a month or two, because she didn't want to go against her parent's wishes. At some point, I sent her an email, asking her how she was doing. We've been talking ever since. February will be two years. In those two years, she has never asked me for a thing. She knows that I am not wealthy, and she is ok with that. (Just to get this out in the open, I'm going through the Chnlove.com website.) she doesn't like the amount of money I have to spend to talk to her, but with her english and my mandarin not being so good, I don't see a better way at the moment. I've sent her flowers, she loves them but tells me to save the money and give her flowers in person because it is cheaper. I think she would flip-out if she found out how much her birthday phone call cost me. Anyway, I'm rambling on...and in the wrong sub-forum. Haha!

 

I'm not sure where I stand in her families eyes, but said she will handle it in her own way. She recently told me that our life together is our business...

 

Again, thanks for the thoughtful concerns.

 

Todd

I have diabetes also. I hope you like Chinese food. A Chinese diet with limited rice and noodles but lots of fish vegetables and fruit will help you enormously. Go to your local Asian market and buy a Chinese vegetable called "bitter melon". It looks like a withered knobby cucumber. Stir fry it in oil with garlic and with other vegetables and it will knock 30 points off your sugar level. Takes some getting used to as it is "bitter" not sour. Apparently this was one of Mao's favorite foods.

 

Agree with everyone else - after 2 years you should be communicating directly by Skype webcam or some other web messaging system. If she doesn't have a kid and wants one but you do not, I think that is a deal breaker so either reconsider or move on. If she has a kid and wants another one, your saying you do not want a kid may raise her concern whether you are going to be a good step dad. Think about it.

 

Do you talk every day at least 4 to 6 hours? If so, you probably aren't the #2 guy. If not, crank it up a notch and see where it goes before you buy a ticket. Also if you communicate only several times a week, she may think she is the 3rd stringer and you have 2-3 others on the hook. Consider things from her point of view.

 

Best of luck to you. In any event, communicating directly without a middle person can only help your relationship. If she doesn't speak much English it may help if you have a Chinese speaking friend or coworker at your side until you and she can get the web cams set up and translation software running.

 

If you are on web cam with her try to eat healthy when she is watching and save the beer and the junk food for later. Good health is important consideration to both she and her family.

 

Best regards,

 

True Blue

Edited January 7, 2014 by True Blue (see edit history)

[retodd1000]

Suli says that she doesnt think her father has anything serious. Still, they are taking him to Shanghai to see a famous doctor. My mind translates that to a specialist, but I dont know.

 

I've changed my mind about children. Or should I say that knowing Suli has changed my mind about children. Though, she's got it in her head that she is too old to have children. She's 37. She has said that we can try to have a kid, and if we do, great.

 

I'll keep working on her to try some different methods of communication. She is not very computer savy.

Edited January 7, 2014 by retodd1000 (see edit history)