Parenting Styles - East vs. West

[Randy W]

.

This seems to be a pretty thorough (and interesting) study

 

 

Chinese, Western parenting methods compared in new study

 

When speaking of "Chinese parents," words like controlling, strict, and authoritarian usually come to mind, thanks in part to Amy Chua, a Yale law professor, who wrote about how she educated her two daughters as a "Tiger Mother" almost two years ago.

 

. . .

 

The research paper, entitled "Why Are Chinese Mothers More Controlling Than American Mothers?" surveyed 215 mothers and children in China and the US six years ago and the results were published in the recent issue of Child Development Journal.

 

. . .

 

Numerous studies have found that too much parental control undermines children's psychological development, afflicting them with depression and low self-esteem among other negative effects.

 

. . .

 

Over the years there have been sporadic reports of such parent-child tension exploding in more extreme ways such as suicide, patricide or matricide. Many young people are also now voicing their anger and frustration at their parents. A group called "Parents are hazards" exists on Douban, a social media network in China. Founded in 2008, the group now has close to 64,000 members. Teenagers and young adults tell stories about how their parents pressured, controlled and oppressed them seemingly without regard to their personal interests and emotional well-being.

However, involvement of parents in their children's life isn't always a bad thing. There have been studies that show a marked degree of parental involvement in education improves children's performances in school.

 

. . .

 

Drawing on other studies, Ng and her co-authors listed a number of cultural factors that may contribute to more controlling parents. Chinese culture is more interdependent and is often considered a "face" culture. Therefore "parents may incorporate children's accomplishments into their view of themselves," they wrote.

 

. . .

 

The fact that most Chinese parents would depend on their children to support them in their old age may be another reason why parents are set on ensuring a bright future for their children.

 

. . .

 

Social mobility may be at play here, as Alan Paul points out. An American author and musician, Paul calls himself "Panda Dad" in contrast to Chua's "Tiger Mom." In response to the Tiger Mom controversy, he wrote in an article for the Wall Street Journal, saying that "it's easy to understand a traditional Chinese drive for perfection in children: it is a huge nation with a long history of people thriving at the top and scraping by at the bottom without much in between."

Chinese parents have much to learn. "Most parents' intentions are good; it's just the way they educate and interact with their children may be problematic," said Zou. "Many only want obedience and don't know how to communicate with the children as an independent person."

 

. . .

 

Zou, on the other hand, sees hope in the younger generation who are becoming parents. They may become less authoritarian than their parents' and grandparents' generation. "Young people today are more willing to learn about parenting and have more access to information such as psychology; and they would also reflect on how they were brought up as a kid, and perhaps change things," she said.

 

 

[amberjack1234]

Good!!!

 

Larry

[Fu Lai]

I thought this part was interesting from the article

 

 

Lying to make you better

Perhaps another example of parental manipulation is lying. According to a study that compares the use of lies by US and Chinese parents, while the vast majority of parents in both countries have lied to their children to influence their behaviors, Chinese parents lie more and approve of it to a greater degree than their US counterparts.

Scientists in the US, China and Canada showed 114 parents in the US and 85 in China a list of lies that parents might use with their children. Parents were told to identify whether they'd used such statements and rate to what extent these lies are acceptable.

Some of the lies sound like common parenting tricks: "Finish all your food or you'll grow up to be short," "If you don't come with me now, I'll leave you here by yourself" or "If you don't behave, we will throw you into the ocean to feed the fish."

The study, published last November in the International Journal of Psychology, found that 84 percent of US parents and 98 percent of Chinese parents reported telling at least one lie similar to those on the list. It suggests that instrumental lying may be more common among Chinese parents who expressed greater acceptance of parental lying, even though parents in both countries view lying as a negative attribute in children.

But when it comes to lying in order to protest their children's feelings, Chinese parents lie in fewer instances than US parents, according to the study.

The results are consistent with differences between Asian Americans and Americans of European descent, the paper writes. Researchers suggest that cross-cultural differences may reflect "greater concern with social cohesiveness and a greater emphasis on respect and obedience in Asian cultures that encourages parents to be more willing to lie to achieve these ends."

To elaborate on the approach, the paper quoted a Chinese parent as saying, "When teaching children, it is okay to use well-intentioned lies. It can promote positive development and prevent your child from going astray."

 

I find the wife believes this and tells lies if she thinks it helps our relationship. This is hard to accept from my Western point of view.

[credzba]

I thought this part was interesting from the article

 

 

Lying to make you better

 

Perhaps another example of parental manipulation is lying. According to a study that compares the use of lies by US and Chinese parents, while the vast majority of parents in both countries have lied to their children to influence their behaviors, Chinese parents lie more and approve of it to a greater degree than their US counterparts.

 

Scientists in the US, China and Canada showed 114 parents in the US and 85 in China a list of lies that parents might use with their children. Parents were told to identify whether they'd used such statements and rate to what extent these lies are acceptable.

 

Some of the lies sound like common parenting tricks: "Finish all your food or you'll grow up to be short," "If you don't come with me now, I'll leave you here by yourself" or "If you don't behave, we will throw you into the ocean to feed the fish."

 

The study, published last November in the International Journal of Psychology, found that 84 percent of US parents and 98 percent of Chinese parents reported telling at least one lie similar to those on the list. It suggests that instrumental lying may be more common among Chinese parents who expressed greater acceptance of parental lying, even though parents in both countries view lying as a negative attribute in children.

 

But when it comes to lying in order to protest their children's feelings, Chinese parents lie in fewer instances than US parents, according to the study.

 

The results are consistent with differences between Asian Americans and Americans of European descent, the paper writes. Researchers suggest that cross-cultural differences may reflect "greater concern with social cohesiveness and a greater emphasis on respect and obedience in Asian cultures that encourages parents to be more willing to lie to achieve these ends."

 

To elaborate on the approach, the paper quoted a Chinese parent as saying, "When teaching children, it is okay to use well-intentioned lies. It can promote positive development and prevent your child from going astray."

 

I find the wife believes this and tells lies if she thinks it helps our relationship. This is hard to accept from my Western point of view.

 

I ran into that same conflict with my wife early on Fu Lai.

I remember the exact circumstance, because it made the thought process so clear.

We were at a restaurant, and I saw some people I thought worked with my wife.

I said, Oh, there is .. whoever .

My wife said, No, that is not them.

 

As we were leaving later I saw them closer and it certainly was the person I thought, and I ask my wife why she lied to me?

She said, "I thought you were going to invite them over, and I didn't want to talk to them".

 

I was appalled !

You'd lie to me just because you THOUGHT I'd do something !

 

In my American way of thinking this was horrible, but my wife thought I was making a big deal over nothing.

 

Over the years now, I've become accustomed to "white lies" and accept it as the way she deals with problem situations.

Americans are very direct, and we would not lie just to solve a minor situation, but Chinese would rather lie, and avoid a conflict.

 

I know my wife would not lie about something important, so I can accept this is her way of dealing with difficult situations...

Still to my American brain it is strange.

[Randy W]

Strange, and, at times, upsetting. It can leave me wondering just where is reality?

[Randy W]

in the NY Times

 

My Asian Pussycat Parents

 

Seeing my anxiety, Dad said, “Kate, tell you what. If you get a C or lower, I’ll buy you a present. If you score higher than that, I won’t buy you anything, because you won’t need it.”

Clearly my dad wasn’t the stereotypical Asian tiger parent, pressuring me to work tirelessly for the best grades, and neither was my mom. They didn’t want to push me. They wanted me to be happy and healthy. Dad’s offer of a “failing grade” gift did wonders to quell my worries and it took the pressure off. What’s more, I ended up getting A’s and B’s throughout high school, but without the added stress and fear of failing.

. . .

I now realize I was mistaken when I thought I didn’t receive a present from my dad that day. He gave me two invaluable gifts: the space to cultivate my own desire for excellence, and the healthy psyche to pursue it.