Too good to be true?

[xiaohou]

Greetings all.

 

Long story but I’ll make it short and right to the point.

 

I’ve been on a language exchange website for a few years because I’ve always wanted to learn Chinese. I made many new friends all over China and we teach other about language, culture and traditions.

 

About a year ago I met a woman that wanted to learn more English. We chatted on QQ on and off a few times about once a week. Then after the storm Sandy struck she started asking me if I’m okay so I felt she had some feelings for me. So it blossomed into more then just being friends. A few months go by and then she asked “do you love me”. Shocked I asked why she would ask but she said I never say it to her. I did and do.

 

We’ve been texting, chatting online webcam and phone calls every day. I started to send her cards and even flowers. She started to send me small gifts in the mail but my birthday was just a few weeks ago and what she sent to me was a shock.

 

She sent me a key to her house with the magnetic key fob for the front gate with a card that read "my house, your house, one heart"

 

She wants me to move to China!

 

She hasn’t dated in 14 years since her divorce. I think she’s very serious about me.

 

I have a lot of questions for some expats if they PM, please.

 

Thanks

[credzba]

Could you be reading too much into the key?

 

It could mean you are welcome to my house any time, and I trust you with everything I own.

This is STILL a strong statement, but it is n't inviting you to live there.

 

You could be right on the money, but you could also be a bit over eager.

 

[xiaohou]

I'm sure I'm on the mark with her intentions. She has been sending me links to local schools that specialize in teaching chinese to foreigners. Said she'll let me study for 1 year and she would even pay the tuition fee. Wants me to be able to communicate with her family.

 

I'll be going for 3 weeks, should be long enough to get a good feel for things if I really want to live there.

 

The real question that I have thou is if everything is "made in heaven and meant to be"

 

Should we marry on my first trip so it'll be easier to get the 2nd visa for a longer stay or wait till I return near the end of the year then marry and then worry about filing different paperwork to be able to stay.

 

That's why I posted in the expats. They should have a pretty good idea on all the different paperwork that's involved in staying for a period of a few years.

[Randy W]

Could you be reading too much into the key?

 

It could mean you are welcome to my house any time, and I trust you with everything I own.

This is STILL a strong statement, but it is n't inviting you to live there.

 

You could be right on the money, but you could also be a bit over eager.

 

NOBODY hands out keys to "just friends" - that's a VERY unmistakable message there. Chinese women are very capable of latching on to a very real husband through this type of contact.

 

You won't really know, though, until you meet her in person. Plan the one trip, and THEN decide what to do next. There's no reason to get married on the first trip - in fact, this may be a red flag if you want to bring her to the U.S. (although living with her for a year or two in China would overcome this). Your visa that you apply for in the States will be for 90 (possibly 180) days. Be sure to ask for multiple entries to cover the second trip. At this point, you're just visiting - married or not won't make a difference.

 

The "different paperwork" will be filed with her local PSB to allow you to either extend your visa, or, after you marry, to get a new visa which will allow you an indefinite stay (I've been here for over 2 years now without having to leave the country).

[Dennis143]

 

Could you be reading too much into the key?

 

It could mean you are welcome to my house any time, and I trust you with everything I own.

This is STILL a strong statement, but it is n't inviting you to live there.

 

You could be right on the money, but you could also be a bit over eager.

 

NOBODY hands out keys to "just friends" - that's a VERY unmistakable message there. Chinese women are very capable of latching on to a very real husband through this type of contact.

 

You won't really know, though, until you meet her in person. Plan the one trip, and THEN decide what to do next. There's no reason to get married on the first trip - in fact, this may be a red flag if you want to bring her to the U.S. (although living with her for a year or two in China would overcome this). Your visa that you apply for in the States will be for 90 (possibly 180) days. Be sure to ask for multiple entries to cover the second trip. At this point, you're just visiting - married or not won't make a difference.

 

The "different paperwork" will be filed with her local PSB to allow you to either extend your visa, or, after you marry, to get a new visa which will allow you an indefinite stay (I've been here for over 2 years now without having to leave the country).

Heed Randy's advice well and tread lightly. Try... try very hard to keep your emotions in check and don't rush into anything.

 

There are warning signs to be aware of. Just keep posting your experience here... let it all out. There are a lot of very wise and savvy men here who can help guide you and who want you to find that for which you seek and that which we have also sought before. OK, I sound like Yoda. But seriously, there's a lot of experience on the board to tap into. Best.

Edited March 13, 2013 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Mick]

Dennis is right on the mark when he says that there is a wealth of experience on this board that you can draw upon. Sure, there may be times you might hear things you don't want to hear, but at the same time, people here truly do care about each other and look out for one another. Hopefully, this trip will be highly revelatory in that it answers many of your questions, calms any fears, and provides both of you an opportunity to get to know one another better. As others have said, take it slow and easy, keep your eyes open, and enjoy your visit. It can be and should be a very special time, one that, if you have a future together, you will look back upon with fond memories. Best wishes.

Edited March 13, 2013 by Mick (see edit history)

[xiaohou]

I've been to China a couple of times already for business and sightseeing, touristy stuff, so the landscape isn't new to me. I try to keep my head out of the clouds and think things through. I think she's smitten. When I'm at work, she'll want to have the webcam on just to watch me. She'll lay her head on the desk and watch me for a couple of hours before going to sleep. Very cute. She hasn't dated for 14 years so must be something about me that pulls at her heart.

 

I've decided that it's not a good idea to marry on the first trip. Like you said, I don't want to rush into it. But if we do decide that it is what we want, I'll return to the US and finish up somethings around here, packing, storing items and such and get my house rented out through a property manager.

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

Your story is just one of the many thousands that can be found each and every day in China. In my opinion, she's just another whacky Chinese girl who is willing to marry and talk of love before establishing a stable face to face relationship. My advice is run, don't walk as fast from her as you can.

[Fu Lai]

My advice would be to not mention marriage AT ALL. Go and meet her and assess the situation with a clear head. DON'T MARRY upon the first meeting. Don't even hint at it or insinuate that you're thinking of it. Play possum to see which way the wind blows. She may be the one but don't let on. There is time.

 

Be the tourist and sightseer. Keep your radar alert. Posters here will comment on all your comments with clear advice. You state with certainty that "She hasn't dated for 14 years so must be something about me that pulls at her heart." This is without meeting her or knowing facts. I don't want to pour cold water but, you know... Just my two cents.

[Mick]

It is also wise to have at least a few aspects of things "planned out" in your own mind regarding this initial time together. You mentioned not getting married, which is wise. But now, what about the sex card? Should the opportunity present itself, you need to have already decided yea or nay. Like most red-blooded males, we have a part of our anatomy screamin' "yea yea yea" and then some. But ahead of time think this through. Keep in mind that, although the morals are changing fast in China, many are still quite traditional in this area. Sexual activity may mean a level of commitment to her that is far greater than it might be for you. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying "don't have sex." But I am saying, recognize that it will add complications and you need to have decided in advance what you are going to do should the issue arise.

[xiaohou]

Thank you all greatly for the advice. I will not mention the "M" word, let her lead the way and see what happens, but then again I also know that some women don't like a man that doesn't lead the way. Arrrgh women are so confusing much less a chinese woman.

 

The reason she hasn't dated in such a long time was she concentrated on her job. So far, I haven't noticed anything that wouldn't make her unattritive to other people or other chinese men even thou she's told me that her friends tried to set her up on a date but she refused.

 

Think I'll go with a couple of tooth picks to keep my eyes wide open, q-tips to keep my ears clean, some tape to keep from saying what I shouldn't say and bundling board.

 

Think I'm getting off topic from my original post.

 

From what I understand, if I have an L-VISA which is good for 90 days and if we did get married on the 2nd trip. I'd be able to apply for an extention? Unlike America where a person coming from another country on a Tourist Visa can not just marry and then stay.

 

Thanks again

[Guest ExChinaExpat]

Thank you all greatly for the advice. I will not mention the "M" word, let her lead the way and see what happens, but then again I also know that some women don't like a man that doesn't lead the way. Arrrgh women are so confusing much less a chinese woman.

 

The reason she hasn't dated in such a long time was she concentrated on her job. So far, I haven't noticed anything that wouldn't make her unattritive to other people or other chinese men even thou she's told me that her friends tried to set her up on a date but she refused.

 

Think I'll go with a couple of tooth picks to keep my eyes wide open, q-tips to keep my ears clean, some tape to keep from saying what I shouldn't say and bundling board.

 

Think I'm getting off topic from my original post.

 

From what I understand, if I have an L-VISA which is good for 90 days and if we did get married on the 2nd trip. I'd be able to apply for an extention? Unlike America where a person coming from another country on a Tourist Visa can not just marry and then stay.

 

Thanks again

 

 

If you let her 'lead' the way, you will be led right to the marriage alter. You must take the lead. If you are interested in a Chinese woman, then you should visit many women here. Find a woman who isn't going to push you to marriage. Not every woman in China is this way.

Edited March 15, 2013 by JiangsuExpat (see edit history)

[Randy W]

Thank you all greatly for the advice. I will not mention the "M" word, let her lead the way and see what happens, but then again I also know that some women don't like a man that doesn't lead the way. Arrrgh women are so confusing much less a chinese woman.

 

The reason she hasn't dated in such a long time was she concentrated on her job. So far, I haven't noticed anything that wouldn't make her unattritive to other people or other chinese men even thou she's told me that her friends tried to set her up on a date but she refused.

 

Think I'll go with a couple of tooth picks to keep my eyes wide open, q-tips to keep my ears clean, some tape to keep from saying what I shouldn't say and bundling board.

 

Think I'm getting off topic from my original post.

 

From what I understand, if I have an L-VISA which is good for 90 days and if we did get married on the 2nd trip. I'd be able to apply for an extention? Unlike America where a person coming from another country on a Tourist Visa can not just marry and then stay.

 

Thanks again

 

 

Once you are married, you can ask for an extension on the original visa and/or get another visa or resident permit with an unlimited stay.

[honeybun]

It is also wise to have at least a few aspects of things "planned out" in your own mind regarding this initial time together. You mentioned not getting married, which is wise. But now, what about the sex card? Should the opportunity present itself, you need to have already decided yea or nay. Like most red-blooded males, we have a part of our anatomy screamin' "yea yea yea" and then some. But ahead of time think this through. Keep in mind that, although the morals are changing fast in China, many are still quite traditional in this area. Sexual activity may mean a level of commitment to her that is far greater than it might be for you. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying "don't have sex." But I am saying, recognize that it will add complications and you need to have decided in advance what you are going to do should the issue arise.

100% agree with this. I think you should be prepared to get charmed and seduced big time, so you'll be ready to react as your BIG noggin would prefer. At least you can try.

[xiaohou]

Being American, my views on the sex part is just a bonus, not a requirement. I'm very old fashion albeit they are even more old fashion. Heck I’m almost half a century old and can still count the number of partners I’ve had on 1 hand.

 

I do see some postings here that stereotype a little bit. I have several American friends that are married to Chinese women and each one is very different and have different views. Most of them met while in college but a couple of them have even lived in China for a few years and that’s where they met their wife but once in the US, it’s a different story and they change. Then again, I’m sure my views will change if I lived in China or any other country for a few years.

 

What I found most interesting is how close minded most American’s are. Like the first time I went to China everyone back here kept asking me if I ate dog or that marriages are still prearranged and even (gasp) still bind their feet.