What is Love

[antryg]

Love is a word which is used quite commonly. Even between people of the same culture and language there are often differences in just what this little word means. We can speak of love within a family, between friends, physical or spiritual love. When I think, and talk of love within the context of marriage; I'm meaning aspects of each of these areas, together.

 

Now, I'm faced with language and cultural differences and would like some help. How would you define love within the context of your own culture? How do you understand the concept of love within your significant other's culture? Being an American, I'd like to get a reality check on the Western idea of love and also gain a better understanding of the Chinese viewpoint, both culturally and linguistically.

[Dennis143]

No one's touching this topic. Now, who in the heck can define it anyhow? Is it a feeling only or is it an act or both?

 

I read somewhere or was told (wish I could remember where) that love is a choice we make... a conscience choice to love... whether it be a stranger standing in line at the supermarket checkout or the guy who cuts you off on the freeway or simply the person who makes your heart go pitter pat every time you think of her, we all have a choice whether to love and show love to our fellow humans... it's the basic thesis of all religions.

 

From my experience living among Chinese that, culturally speaking, they are no different than westerners, they fall in love too.

 

Are internet, 3000 miles apart relationships love? Maybe, maybe not. I do believe that us men who seek an offshore wife are easy prey to fall in love with the fantasy and that the Chinese woman will simply do or say whatever she needs to to keep the love fire burning. That does not mean that mutual love cannot come from these relationships; however, caveat emptor. One simply needs time, lots of time to be sure to cultivate a relationship... and, that's where I will leave it, as there are plenty of men here who have failed once to only succeed a second time and they are best to give advice on that subject.

[warpedbored]

Great post Dennis. You pretty much nailed it.

 

I thought I was in love when I met my wife. I suppose I was in an infatuated way. Now after 8 years of marriage I know that true love is something quite different. It's being comfortable with each other, anticipating each others needs and just being their for them. Throw in the Chinese method of action speaks louder than words and you're there.

[Sam and Fen]

For Westerners it is fall in love and then get married.

For a Chinese woman, find a man who they think will care for them , get married and then fall in love with him(learn to love him).

[antryg]

Thanks for the interesting replies. I had a feeling that this would be a topic few would like to comment upon. To borrow a phrase from C.S. Lewis, I was surprised by love. I wasn't particularly looking for love and marriage and yet that is where I am. Now I find myself unprepared and playing catch up, trying to learn a new language , social mores and culture.

 

Fortunately, both of us realize that love is something which grows and takes hard work. Once again thanks to everyone who has answered.

[Zeng]

Love is being there for someone, when someone is in need, as in love thy neighbor as thy self. One of many philosophical answers to your age old question, "what is love".

Then there is the consumerism love, diamonds and pearls, chocolates, roses and for the love of money, love.

[Mick]

I think love is a nebulous concept at best, but can be described at least in terms of emotions and actions. What amounts to love early in a relationship, if the relationship is genuine and lasting, is transmuted into something far deeper as time passes. As Carl mentioned, it involved being able to anticipate needs and meet them without request or even hinting. Also, and this is important I think, love involves sacrifice - the willingness to time after time put your needs second - to time after time opt for being kind as opposed to being "right." Love involves being not only willing to do those things, but being happy about doing them. Few things please me more than knowing some little something I did brought a smile to Li's face, that something I did somehow made her life a bit lighter and easier, if for only a moment.

 

Love involves something else I think - RESPECT! When I look at Li, even after these 15 years, no, especially after these 15 years, I still get a sense of awe when I consider who and what she is. All of these things are involved in love, but none of them cover the whole territory. But hey, no need to wrap words around a gift so special.

[david_dawei]

Nebulous is a great way to put it as it comes from the Latin for 'cloud'... on cloud 9, we may say... but I do think this post seeks more specific understanding in terms of the cross cultural relationships we are a part of.

 

In my assessment, here is the mind bending assessment: What I think is 'love' is not what another thinks is 'love'... and while this may not deviate much within my own culture it may differ distinctly around the world but still possess some commonality which makes me understand there is 'love' in the end.

 

As Dennis said it best: "They fall in love too" BINGO !!!

 

But the means, process, and manner in which it happens may come in many ways... ergo, we have "Variation in life". Variation in life is the most fundamental principle of chinese thinking called DAO: The TEN THOUSAND (LIFE) arises and cycles like the seasons. This simple statement is at the core of their being and keeps them close to nature's way. Never underestimate this idea !!!

 

Now! TO get to a central issue we see here and sometimes accused of on CFL: That there is not love but only deception in the relationship to get a greencard... IMO, this is an often unfair latter assessment but for some it is true. Deep hurt will be expressed with all sorts of claims. And original motives of the chinese national is expressed with all sorts of reasons. If we want to be humanists, we will seek to understand both sides but if we are part of the relationship then we are only going to judge it by the hurt we feel.

 

Here is the facts and reasons as I see it over 8 years of studying chinese culture:

1. Some just fall in love... I hope you find it but it is not so common

2. Some find each other and it works out in the long run... think: Pragmatism and thank the gods

3. Some find it does not work out and it was not meant to be: Think, they took a change (any guy will do). And you took a change... move on.

4. Some are being played and this is just a game... more than you think but there are some chinese who might be sway to stay in it.

5. Some are being played and you are played from beginning to end... maybe being paid money (so you know it) and maybe you paid the time (later you realize it)... In both cases, you can only move on...

 

Back to love... chinese style...

 

Doing it instead of talking about it... See what she is doing and don't challenge her inability to express it.

 

SPOILER ALERT: She is looking to see how well you DO IT and puts little stock in how you express it... THIS IS THE GAME CHANGER...