Bedtime and Computer/TV Time

[whatsthedeal]

My step-daughter is 14 doing okay in school but behind in English. None of her friends live near us, I see no school books or library books at home. She does help clean house and cook for her Mother and I and for the most part is not a brat I would say normal 14 year old teenager.I think bedtime of 10:30 school night is fair 12:00 on weekends, 1 hour piano practice each day. I have set up a basketball goal, we have trails she could hike, we have animals, vegetable garden and flowers. She is happy but will not go outside for nothing very long. She stays on the computer all day and night after 2:00am and often on school night I must threaten to unplug the computer for her to finally go to bed. If she is not on the computer then she will sit and watch Chinese TV all day. She is getting bigger than when she first came here and I am also worried about her diet. We get along fine no fights just normal everyday family stuff and I would say she is a great daughter. I know I am the step-dad talked to the wife about this we agree on this or that and she will not follow up with her daughter.I am no tiger step-dad.

 

Am I out of line?

1: Three hours computer/TV time school night and four on weekends.

2: Bedtime is 10:30pm on school nights and 12:00am on weekends.

3: Must find interest/exercise outside.

4: One hour piano practice each day.

[SheLikesME?]

I think you will have to take the bull by the horns and also get momma to support you and open her mouth. Your list looks right to me. Spend at least some time by the piano while she plays, even though you can hear it all over the house. When away from piano compliment her somehow, even when bad - it gets better. Do as much with her as possible or have whole family do a lot together. Then she can regulate herself a little better.

 

I had a long time gf who would do NOTHING to help her daughters in life. I explained THINGS, and was out dragging one home when she was 12/13 late at night. The mother just didn't have it in her to tell her kids no on anything. You may be in a soft version of this. Maybe Momma just does not see the harm in it or who knows???

 

As far as outside stuff maybe do it with her, or get momma to do it or all together. This way she is not lonely and gets in the habbit of outside and learns things. I would limit the computer time too. Our Lil One will LIVE on computer playing games and regularly gets in trouble by her Mom if caught. She is suppose to be learning math on there.

 

My situation is quite different. Momma here is all over Lil Ones ass. Momma is an over achiever with 3 college degrees and crap. Lil One loves to read books so she likes flashlights to read by until 2-3AM she has told me, then she gets up early to do homework, when Mom won't see her. Niether one of these women need much sleep. I found out Momma didn't turn in homework either in school growing up, because she made great grades on tests, so she makes her daughter do the opposite and daughter wants to not turn it in.

 

In the long run your daughter will THANK YOU for making her do the right things. Teens want parents to make them do the right thing, even if they throw a fit or rebel and sneak to do the opposite. Even the girl I raised that I had the most trouble with tald me when she was 13 that I was the only one who made her do right (that was pay day ), and when married she wanted me to walk her down the isle, and even today she sends me a fathers day greeting and on my brithday and other holidays. I am touched. I was never her step-dad, but in my heart she is my daughter, and I seem to be her Dad - what an honor!

 

Good Luck.

Edited April 24, 2011 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[NickF]

I have a 15 year old daughter who's exactly the same. And she was born and raised in the USA. But she's carrying a 3.75 grade point average in school, had a wide social group, and doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs, so I cut her a little slack sometimes. Maybe too much. My only advice is to choose your battles carefully. Some of them you can win, others you won't. Just make sure the ones you win are the important ones.

[whatsthedeal]

I think you will have to take the bull by the horns and also get momma to support you and open her mouth. Your list looks right to me. Spend at least some time by the piano while she plays, even though you can hear it all over the house. When away from piano compliment her somehow, even when bad - it gets better. Do as much with her as possible or have whole family do a lot together. Then she can regulate herself a little better.

 

I had a long time gf who would do NOTHING to help her daughters in life. I explained THINGS, and was out dragging one home when she was 12/13 late at night. The mother just didn't have it in her to tell her kids no on anything. You may be in a soft version of this. Maybe Momma just does not see the harm in it or who knows???

 

As far as outside stuff maybe do it with her, or get momma to do it or all together. This way she is not lonely and gets in the habbit of outside and learns things. I would limit the computer time too. Our Lil One will LIVE on computer playing games and regularly gets in trouble by her Mom if caught. She is suppose to be learning math on there.

 

My situation is quite different. Momma here is all over Lil Ones ass. Momma is an over achiever with 3 college degrees and crap. Lil One loves to read books so she likes flashlights to read by until 2-3AM she has told me, then she gets up early to do homework, when Mom won't see her. Niether one of these women need much sleep. I found out Momma didn't turn in homework either in school growing up, because she made great grades on tests, so she makes her daughter do the opposite and daughter wants to not turn it in.

 

In the long run your daughter will THANK YOU for making her do the right things. Teens want parents to make them do the right thing, even if they throw a fit or rebel and sneak to do the opposite. Even the girl I raised that I had the most trouble with tald me when she was 13 that I was the only one who made her do right (that was pay day ), and when married she wanted me to walk her down the isle, and even today she sends me a fathers day greeting and on my brithday and other holidays. I am touched. I was never her step-dad, but in my heart she is my daughter, and I seem to be her Dad - what an honor!

 

Good Luck.

 

 

Yeah that's the thing I used "step-daughter and step-dad" so folks would understand that she is Chinese and I am American. She is my daughter too and I have became very proud and fond of her and her Mother. They are like carp, I dragged them here from China and yet the refuse to die and eat everything.

I'm just worried about her health and want her to bring her butt OUTSIDE!

Edited April 24, 2011 by whatsthedeal (see edit history)

[credzba]

She is happy but will not go outside for nothing very long.

 

 

 

My 19 year old daughter likes to go for walks, she waits until 9 pm or after dark to go out.

Remember, dark skin = ugly!

Sun = tan = dark skin = ugly !

This is SO pervasive in their mind I had to ask the school to let her do something else when gym class went out to do laps around the field mid-day.. She was almost in tears that ANYONE would be so cruel as to make people walk in the bright sunlight.

The high school let her do dance (indoors) instead of gym.

 

For white skin Americans this is just crazy, but for Chinese it is the normal.

 

Another thing to consider, 10 pm here = 10 am in China (or approx that).

Most, if not ALL her friends are in China, and they are curious about her and her life in America.

To chat with old Chinese friends, she must talk at night.

 

I had many of the same issues with our daughter when she arrived, and I even fixed my router to turn off at 11 pm, and back on at 5 am Sun-Thur so the internet didn't work between those hours on school nights. In truth, I was over reacting. Our daughter made straight A's, and does a good job of regulating her own behavior with school as a priority. I was used to my American children, which honestly were irresponsible regarding school, and I DID need to control, but our Chinese daughter was very responsible with her school, and I could have caused her and me less suffering by just letting her control her own time.

 

I know other families where the Chinese child does not work hard on school, and they must do something to control tv/internet, but if your daughter works hard and is responsible, I suggest you let her control this aspect of her life.

Maybe make some rules that are in writing ..

4.0 overall gpa (per 6 weeks) = totally free access to tv / internet.

3.0 - 3.9 overall gpa (per 6 weeks) = some limitations

2.0 - 2.9 = more limitations

 

This encourages her to control her own time.

 

Then, you can always emphasize certain subject .. maybe study extra English 1 hour earns 1 hour or some other balance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[whatsthedeal]

I have a 15 year old daughter who's exactly the same. And she was born and raised in the USA. But she's carrying a 3.75 grade point average in school, had a wide social group, and doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs, so I cut her a little slack sometimes. Maybe too much. My only advice is to choose your battles carefully. Some of them you can win, others you won't. Just make sure the ones you win are the important ones.

 

I know I know nothing like being an ass over nothing.

I've been thinking the same.

I don't want her to grow up a 300lber and can do nothing but cook and clean.

 

For the record she is a great classical pianist and brought Western culture to our home. Go figure that one? It confuses me too.

Beethoven, Bach, Mozart, Chopin I want to buy her a go-cart and watch her get muddy.

[screamneagle]

I have a 15 year old daughter who's exactly the same. And she was born and raised in the USA. But she's carrying a 3.75 grade point average in school, had a wide social group, and doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs, so I cut her a little slack sometimes. Maybe too much. My only advice is to choose your battles carefully. Some of them you can win, others you won't. Just make sure the ones you win are the important ones.

 

GREAT ADVICE, NICK!

[NewDay2006]

I have a 15 year old daughter who's exactly the same. And she was born and raised in the USA. But she's carrying a 3.75 grade point average in school, had a wide social group, and doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs, so I cut her a little slack sometimes. Maybe too much. My only advice is to choose your battles carefully. Some of them you can win, others you won't. Just make sure the ones you win are the important ones.

 

GREAT ADVICE, NICK!

 

Good advice. I have a 19 y/o son. Have the same problem... his grade are ok now.. they used to be horrible. Still they can be better.

 

I once read in Time magazine, in the last couple of years, there, this is a big problem in China. I understand that there are "places" that they send kids to break them from the addiction.

 

I try telling Peipei this is not normal... I have done many things to curtail, with little result. I have taken the pug out, but the neighbor somewhere is not secured. The one that works the best is taking the computer, but he needs it for school. He has actually waken up, come to eat and then stay in his room until it's time to eat again, and then stay until late into the night. I have since reloacted the computer, near the kitchen, but it annoys me to see him on it all the time. What can you do?

 

I just found this article in the NY times, by googling, Disturbing

 

Internet Addiction

Edited April 27, 2011 by NewDay2006 (see edit history)