How Do you Really Know??

[kowalski22]

Hello,

 

I have posted here on and off. I have met my love a little over a year ago. I have visited her once in China and Skype her twice a week and email daily. I feel that I am in love with her but am a little uncomfortible because of the limited one on one contact. I have started the process of the Fiancee Visa but I am nervous about it. Is this normal? How did you guys feel at this step? Now that your wife is now here, can you communicate your DEEP feelings to each other with language and Culture standing in your way? Does you Chinese wife feel alone and isolated here in America?

 

By networking, I have met some local Chinese gals that were married to a American citizen and now are divorced. They felt they were in love and had no motive to marry just to stay in America. They ended up feeling alone and did not connect with their American husband. They could not tell deep feelings, and also could not grow together, even though she still loves him very much. How do you overcome something like this???

 

As you can tell, I am a planner and I worry about some of the obstacles that will have to overcome mostly by the Chinese wife to be truely happy. Please give me some of your thoughts and experiences. I feel that I am in love but how do you really know????

 

Thank you.

 

Paul

[warpedbored]

Truth is you don't know. Nor are you likely to until she is here and has her 10 year green card in hand. You do the best you can with what you have. Make as many visits to China as possible between now and her interview. In the mean time don't sweat it too much. Who really knows anybody? I was with my ex for 21 years. I thought I knew her pretty good but she sure surprised me.

 

As far as her feeling alone and isolated depends on a lot of things. Do you live in a city with a sizable Chinese population? Are there local markets where she can find food she is familiar with? What sacrifices are you willing to make if she isn't happy there. Some Chinese women come to a rural place and adjust fine. Others can't handle the isolation of no other Chinese around. CFL is a great resource for finding other couples similar to you.

[kowalski22]

Truth is you don't know. Nor are you likely to until she is here and has her 10 year green card in hand. You do the best you can with what you have. Make as many visits to China as possible between now and her interview. In the mean time don't sweat it too much. Who really knows anybody? I was with my ex for 21 years. I thought I knew her pretty good but she sure surprised me.

 

As far as her feeling alone and isolated depends on a lot of things. Do you live in a city with a sizable Chinese population? Are there local markets where she can find food she is familiar with? What sacrifices are you willing to make if she isn't happy there. Some Chinese women come to a rural place and adjust fine. Others can't handle the isolation of no other Chinese around. CFL is a great resource for finding other couples similar to you.

 

 

I guess you are right. Who really knows anybody?? I am in the same boat as you. I was happily married for 16 years, then I was surprised as well. I live in a smaller community that has a smaller Chinese population. There are three Chinese restruants that employ mostly Chinese people. I work with a bunch of Cambodian people that eat much of the same food as my fiancee eats and they are looking forward to meeting Lili and becoming friends with her.

 

I am willing to do anything so Lili and her daughter are happy here. I hope they can tell me exactly how they feel, but I fear that they will have a difficult time telling me and eventually just give up.

[chilton747]

 

 

I am willing to do anything so Lili and her daughter are happy here. I hope they can tell me exactly how they feel, but I fear that they will have a difficult time telling me and eventually just give up.

 

 

 

It all boils down to how well you take the mop slaps.

[TLB]

Truth is you don't know. Nor are you likely to until she is here and has her 10 year green card in hand. You do the best you can with what you have. Make as many visits to China as possible between now and her interview. In the mean time don't sweat it too much. Who really knows anybody? I was with my ex for 21 years. I thought I knew her pretty good but she sure surprised me.

 

As far as her feeling alone and isolated depends on a lot of things. Do you live in a city with a sizable Chinese population? Are there local markets where she can find food she is familiar with? What sacrifices are you willing to make if she isn't happy there. Some Chinese women come to a rural place and adjust fine. Others can't handle the isolation of no other Chinese around. CFL is a great resource for finding other couples similar to you.

 

 

I guess you are right. Who really knows anybody?? I am in the same boat as you. I was happily married for 16 years, then I was surprised as well. I live in a smaller community that has a smaller Chinese population. There are three Chinese restruants that employ mostly Chinese people. I work with a bunch of Cambodian people that eat much of the same food as my fiancee eats and they are looking forward to meeting Lili and becoming friends with her.

 

I am willing to do anything so Lili and her daughter are happy here. I hope they can tell me exactly how they feel, but I fear that they will have a difficult time telling me and eventually just give up.

 

 

Carl gives good advice. You really don't know; right now you're all aglow in your imagination about her and being in love again -- nothing wrong with that! As long as you realize it doesn't automatically translate into happily ever after. Different cultures adds spice but also challenges. Get to know her by being next to her and then you can see. Be aware of all she will be going through and giving up. Get to know her preferences: does she adapt to change easily? What expectations of America does she have? Does she love the hustle and bustle of crowded Chinese cities? Has she ever tasted any food except Chinese? What does she think of traditional Chinese ways, like Chinese medicine? How much are you willing to change to meet her halfway on various issues of child-raising, money, relationships? How well do YOU get along with someone who holds different values on certain things?

 

Your interest in all these things ahead of time bodes well for the two of you. I wish you well.

[knloregon]

in our case, so much depended on the support system of Chinese contacts for her early on. Friends, and by the grace of God, our proximity to the local Chinese community, which is healthy and growing in Portland.

Carl not only gives good advice, but was a part of that support. Cambodians are not Chinese. And while I know you don't mean to place these Asian cultures together as the same ---you mean well, but are searching for connections that don't exist in any powerful way. If they are supportive and friendly, culture aside, thats great though. Depends on the woman. That would not have been enough for my wife. How old is the daughter? Possible she could have the hardest adjustment if she's a 'tween' or older. The best you can do is research Chinese connections, fanning out as far as you have to to find them. Chinese church perhaps

 

---And as Carl says, spend as much time as possible in China with her. Prepare yourself for her culture, which will be coming to America in no small measure. As for the 'deep meaning', don't expect that immediately, because even if its expressed, you may miss it in the early years---both of you might be struggling to adjust on a rather basic level---particularly if children are involved. Its one of the sad truths, that its not just language, but understanding, and misunderstanding gestures that are more important than you thought. This is a topic that has been vetted at some length in the past and the archive has much very good advice I suggest you look up Amufan's posts..

[warpedbored]

Since I'm on a good advice roll I'll add this tidbit. Try and make her expectations realistic. Lay it all out on the line for her. Your income, your home, how much goes out for what, discretionary income. Show her pictures of your home, your neighborhood. Don't paint pictures of your life that are better than what it really is. I don't know how many Chinese women I have met who were severely disappointed when they got here because their well meaning sweetheart exaggerated how well off they were.

[Scott@Hong]

Put yourself in her shoes, which is easy to do. Think about your first trip to China, that feeling being totally lost and not in control of things around you, the feeling of not understanding anything that is happening around you but at the same time the feeling of wonder and excitement.

If you really think about the tons of emotions you felt when you first got off the plane in China you start to understand a little what she will feel that first time she steps off the plane in America.

 

Now take that feeling and multiply by 100, because you had a return ticket, she will not have this fallback position.

 

When you were in China, who was your support system? It was her and you were almost 100% reliant on her being there to help you do almost everything. You will need to be that person for her when she comes to the States.

[Lee VD]

That's why a K-1 Fiancee visa should really be just that. You should be able to get it quickly (as easy as a B visa is for professionals) and allow 24 months in the U.S. before marriage. No marry, go home. Marry, 10 yr GC. This would result in more successful unions.

 

In this day and age with such a smaller world, it's the way it should be.

 

If the U.S. would investigate and enforce fraudulent entries and overstays, the problem they are trying to compensate for by denying visas would be much reduced.... add it onto the immigration reform wishlist...

Edited January 13, 2011 by Lee VD (see edit history)

[warpedbored]

This has been debated hotly a few times before. The K-1 visa is not, nor ever has been a visa for a trial marriage. The responsibility is yours to make sure this really is the woman you want to marry before you file. The 90 day period once she gets here is to allow you time to plan a proper wedding. If you feel you need more time together before making a decision then don't file until you are sure.

[Dennis143]

This has been debated hotly a few times before. The K-1 visa is not, nor ever has been a visa for a trial marriage. The responsibility is yours to make sure this really is the woman you want to marry before you file. The 90 day period once she gets here is to allow you time to plan a proper wedding. If you feel you need more time together before making a decision then don't file until you are sure.

 

I have to admit, that I too thought that I'd use those 3 months as a trial period and, if she didn't crack up to be all that I had expected and hoped for, I'd have a way out to send her back.

 

How stupid and naive was I, way back then.

 

We're not test driving a vehicle. Like Don has said many times, we never know, until she has her 10-year green card in hand, whether she's a keeper (really wanted to be with us).

 

I wonder, so she doesn't live up to expectations and you decide not to marry and send her packing. What are you left with? You wanted a wife. You wanted someone to love and love you back. So, what do you do now? You've used your China visa card and now had best give up on trying to marry off-shore and should go back to seeing if there's an American woman who'll fit your bill.

 

Love has to stand the test of time and 90 days does not fit that test.

 

Point is, love isn't necessarily a feeling, as much as it is an action, IMO. We don't fall in love. We chose who we will love. Love is a choice...for both persons. If the two of you decide to put the other's well being at the center of your life then what more can you want or ask for?

 

As Carl said, make sure this really is the woman you want to marry before you file. The K-1 visa is not, nor ever has been a visa for a trial marriage.

Edited January 14, 2011 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[Randy W]

That's why a K-1 Fiancee visa should really be just that. You should be able to get it quickly (as easy as a B visa is for professionals) and allow 24 months in the U.S. before marriage. No marry, go home. Marry, 10 yr GC. This would result in more successful unions.

 

In this day and age with such a smaller world, it's the way it should be.

 

If the U.S. would investigate and enforce fraudulent entries and overstays, the problem they are trying to compensate for by denying visas would be much reduced.... add it onto the immigration reform wishlist...

 

 

The sure recipe for a happy marriage - Marry me for your green card, or go back where you came from.

 

Sorry, but I felt like I should comment on this.

 

I think Carl pretty much stated it like it is, although you always have the option of backing out before the 90 days - no one can REQUIRE that you get married.

 

If this is a problem, the only real solution is to ELIMINATE the K-1 altogether.

Edited January 14, 2011 by Randy W (see edit history)

[Jaseball]

Hey Folks, been awhile.

 

I'd add that perhaps 10-20+ years ago it would be beneficial to come to the states and start a life, but right now we're at the start of a pretty crappy economic climate, with 2+ ongoing wars, escalating costs in all aspects of life, and many other negative factors. Guess it is the same in many other areas of the world, so there are no easy escape areas. I just don't feel running away to the US and going through the entire process is the same rosy prospect as before.

 

As for love and knowing....

 

There is no end to how you really know and as long as you breathe your relationship, feelings, and the entire situation will continue to evolve with changing economics, the introduction of new people or ideas or environment. Losses from death, a new child, existing children, illness, or other major factors will all change the existing situation. All you can wish and hope for is to remain true to yourself and to give your best to your relationship and come what may.

 

I'd also trust your gut if your gut has been dependable in the past. It's pretty hard for someone to look into your eyes and have that glow and pass on a feel of happiness when they can barely stand you. There is a pretty large gap between a scammer and someone who really loves you that should be pretty obvious.

[True Blue]

Hello,

....................

As you can tell, I am a planner and I worry about some of the obstacles that will have to overcome mostly by the Chinese wife to be truely happy. Please give me some of your thoughts and experiences. I feel that I am in love but how do you really know????

 

Thank you.

 

Paul

 

Great question. There are several ways to tell.

 

(1) Go to China and take your fiance to dinner. Gaze into her eyes. Tell her you love her. Then tell her you just lost your job and you are 100% flat broke and you will both need to start from scratch. If she tells you it doesn't matter and she will marry you with no money, then it is true love. If she is looking for bling and ca-chink, she will excuse herself to go to the restroom. If she is looking for a meal ticket or a visa, she won't be back.

 

(2) Open a fortune cookie. If fortune cookie says "Danger, you are involved with scamming gold digger" then move on

 

As for being a planner that is good. The advice you received here is very good especially about whether she can eat some Western food, Chinese market shopping and availability of a local Chinese community nearby your home in the USA.

Chinese people love (no big surprise)access to Chinese food and Chinese culture, the same as we would if we were overseas. If you are not near a Chinatown or Chinese community look to a local University as there are often more foreign students and professors and hence, authentic restaurants and food markets.

 

Good luck!