How do you really adjust?

[bob23]

Hey, my wife and I are 23 and 22 and met while I was studying in China (almost 4 years ago) and have been married for a year and a half. We are both currently college students in the U.S.

 

I really understand Chinese culture and her family really likes me, and while we are in China everything is great. Yet she can't seem to adjust to life in the U.S. at all. I mean I understand how some of you are 40 or 50 and marry a 30 year old Chinese woman and her English is so so etc and so I perfectly understand why it would be hard for them to adjust to American life given all of the assumptions that go along with that (language prob, moving to the U.S.. at an older age, maybe even age difference). But why is my wife having such a horrible horrible time adjusting?

 

She won't eat any western food aside from maybe a hamburger once in awhile, she won't watch English TV (unless it is subtitled in Chinese), she seems to look down on all Americans now... the list goes on.

 

This is a person that goes to one of the top 3 journalism schools in the U.S.... her English is very very good, she has studied and liked western culture since she was 5 years old, and yet only 3 or 4 months into the U.S.. she couldn't stand it (18 months in the U.S. so far).

 

I have tried to be supportive, tried to work my butt off so I can transfer to a more Asian friendly place for law school (in Florida now), yet all she can think about is moving back to China.

 

Can someone please help me out? I am willing to do whatever I can to help her. But she thinks Chinese Americans are morons, foreign students are egocentric, and blah blah blah. What can I do???

 

Thanks

Edited October 29, 2010 by dnoblett
One large block of text is HARD to read as well as missing capitilization of places. (see edit history)

[Turbo SS1414]

Really dont have any advice for you, but I also went to school in Florida and I also thought most of the foreign students were really egocentric

 

Good luck

[dnoblett]

Two words "Home Sick"

 

Keep in mind she left ALL her friends behind.

 

My wife has been here 4 years and still has not adjusted to western food, this is normal.

[warpedbored]

It takes about 2 years before they seem to start accepting life here in the US. Of course Chinese will always be better than American. Tell her to suck it up and bear it out. You can always move back to China later. I would think a journalism degree from a top university in America, coupled with excellent English skills could land her a good job in China. CCTV-9 for instance.

[credzba]

She won't eat any western food aside from maybe a hamburger once in awhile, she won't watch English TV (unless it is subtitled in Chinese), she seems to look down on all Americans now... the list goes on.

...

 

Can someone please help me out? I am willing to do whatever I can to help her. But she thinks Chinese Americans are morons, foreign students are egocentric, and blah blah blah. What can I do???

 

 

Before I get slammed.. these are only MY opinions.

 

From my view point, there are few advantage, and many disadvantage to living in America.

1) I make more money, much more, that is why we're here in America, but at the same time the taxes and expenses heavily impact our net saving. So, while its an advantage it is not huge.

 

2) All my human network resources in China drift away, and as the network falls apart, so do my long term job opportunities at home.

 

3) Our extended family is in China, and while we talk on the phone often, and go home at least once a year, it is too far and not enough family contact. Many Chinese don't get home even once a year.. I should consider us lucky in this regard, but it doesn't change the fact it isn't enough to us.

 

4) The food in America tastes terrible, imagine from your view point if the food taste was between pigs brains, and chicken feet EVERY DAY! Yes you can eat it, but how long?!? If you were in China and we had these things every day, how what would YOU want to eat?

 

5)Everywhere I go requires a car. I exercise less, and eat more fatty food so my health is worse. Sure a car is prestigious, but this is ridiculous. Why can't I get anywhere on a bus or bike?

 

6) Nothing works like I expect, from paying bills to seeing people on the street, America feels different. When I walk down the street I feel like I am in a ghost town! I can't use cash for ANYTHING, no wonder the US currency is in trouble, everyone uses credit card or online banking. Where do the neighbors go? Who are they anyway, and why aren't they Chinese like every OTHER person I ever met?

 

7) Television... try watching only Chinese tv, if Chinese is your second language. Even if your Chinese is VERY good, your ears get tired of listening to the foreign sounds, and your brain gets tired of working. The content of the shows is not anything I am interested in, the people in the shows don't look like I expect... Watching American tv is just a reason to learn English. Like studying for a test. Do YOU like to study when your supposed to be relaxing?

 

8) As for thinking American are morons .. the definition of a moron is someone who does something that looks stupid from my view. The way people interrelate, pay their bills, live their lives, it is all stupid. Why do they all have credit card debt? Why can't I buy fresh food instead of frozen junk at grocery store? Where are the food vendors? Why can't I just pay the policman to avoid the problem? Why can't I negotiate the price of these expensive things at stores? WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE?!?

 

 

(edit) 9) I just saw this link: http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=42480&view=getnewpost&hl=&fromsearch=1 .. YES Americans are crazy. I would NEVER be subjected to this in China !!

 

 

Perhaps slightly overstated, but I hope you get the idea?

If NOTHING is as you expect it, of course you want to return to a familiar place.

You cannot imagine how close to tears I come some days just dealing with America because I just want to go home (toi China) where things work as I expect...

Oh, and I am the American in our relationship You should hear my wife's view !!

Edited October 29, 2010 by credzba (see edit history)

[amberjack1234]

She won't eat any western food aside from maybe a hamburger once in awhile, she won't watch English TV (unless it is subtitled in Chinese), she seems to look down on all Americans now... the list goes on.

...

 

Can someone please help me out? I am willing to do whatever I can to help her. But she thinks Chinese Americans are morons, foreign students are egocentric, and blah blah blah. What can I do???

 

 

Before I get slammed.. these are only MY opinions.

 

From my view point, there are few advantage, and many disadvantage to living in America.

1) I make more money, much more, that is why we're here in America, but at the same time the taxes and expenses heavily impact our net saving. So, while its an advantage it is not huge.

 

2) All my human network resources in China drift away, and as the network falls apart, so do my long term job opportunities at home.

 

3) Our extended family is in China, and while we talk on the phone often, and go home at least once a year, it is too far and not enough family contact. Many Chinese don't get home even once a year.. I should consider us lucky in this regard, but it doesn't change the fact it isn't enough to us.

 

4) The food in America tastes terrible, imagine from your view point if the food taste was between pigs brains, and chicken feet EVERY DAY! Yes you can eat it, but how long?!? If you were in China and we had these things every day, how what would YOU want to eat?

 

5)Everywhere I go requires a car. I exercise less, and eat more fatty food so my health is worse. Sure a car is prestigious, but this is ridiculous. Why can't I get anywhere on a bus or bike?

 

6) Nothing works like I expect, from paying bills to seeing people on the street, America feels different. When I walk down the street I feel like I am in a ghost town! I can't use cash for ANYTHING, no wonder the US currency is in trouble, everyone uses credit card or online banking. Where do the neighbors go? Who are they anyway, and why aren't they Chinese like every OTHER person I ever met?

 

7) Television... try watching only Chinese tv, if Chinese is your second language. Even if your Chinese is VERY good, your ears get tired of listening to the foreign sounds, and your brain gets tired of working. The content of the shows is not anything I am interested in, the people in the shows don't look like I expect... Watching American tv is just a reason to learn English. Like studying for a test. Do YOU like to study when your supposed to be relaxing?

 

8) As for thinking American are morons .. the definition of a moron is someone who does something that looks stupid from my view. The way people interrelate, pay their bills, live their lives, it is all stupid. Why do they all have credit card debt? Why can't I buy fresh food instead of frozen junk at grocery store? Where are the food vendors? Why can't I just pay the policman to avoid the problem? Why can't I negotiate the price of these expensive things at stores? WHATS WRONG WITH THIS PLACE?!?

 

 

(edit) 9) I just saw this link: http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=42480&view=getnewpost&hl=&fromsearch=1 .. YES Americans are crazy. I would NEVER be subjected to this in China !!

 

 

Perhaps slightly overstated, but I hope you get the idea?

If NOTHING is as you expect it, of course you want to return to a familiar place.

You cannot imagine how close to tears I come some days just dealing with America because I just want to go home (toi China) where things work as I expect...

Oh, and I am the American in our relationship You should hear my wife's view !!

 

Son of a gun bubba after reading your post here you have me almost in tears for you. If I were you I would be on the next flight out, damn the money it will never make up for your happiness.

 

As for the OP all I can say is that America is not for everyone. Your baby may never adjust. Sorry. Everyone is different. When my wife came here she was like she had lived here all of her life. She had 0 problems of adjusting. I was actually worried about her because of it but she insisted that she was great and had no issues what so ever. The only thing that I can remember is learning to drive. She does not drive now even after 10 years. She made 98 on the test and passed the drivers exam the first time out but she knows that she is not a good driver and will not drive.

 

I do wish you good luck it does look like you and she could have a profitable and bright future in America but like I told credzba money won't buy happiness.

 

Larry

[chilton747]

Home is where the heart is. Sounds like her home is in China. Good luck!!

[dnoblett]

Home is where the heart is. Sounds like her home is in China. Good luck!!

 

You can take the girl out of China, but you cannot take China out of the girl!

[credzba]

..., but you cannot take China out of the girl!

 

 

and would anyone want to?

[david_dawei]

Credzba... that was as good as it gets. One might add to the list:

 

10) Why do phone companies charge me for minutes I don't ever use; I only want to pay for minutes I used !

11) Why can't I walk across the street or call a friend to just pay another 100 RMB to charge my phone minutes

12) Where do all the fish heads go... that is the only part I want?

13) You want an ID for what?

14) Why can't I buy any fireworks, I've handled them since 5 years old?

15) One should buy their fish by the pound, not their super-sized soda

16) Why can't I ask someone to do something without 100 questions and everyone's opinion. Just do it and stop talking.

 

The US does not take a common sense approach to life; a more puritanical and legalistic one. It's turning into a kind of police state. Someone recently mentioned to me that England is almost there. Our western paranoia is going too far. One lives are more mechanistic than natural here. Let's just call it our walk to the dark side.

 

----

 

I would talk to her openly and ask her what are some solutions she sees; what does she want you two guys to do? Can you come up with 2,5,10 year plans? Maybe she doesn't want that much structure; she just wants normalcy.

 

Where are you in FL?

[credzba]

Bob, Something important just occurred to me.

 

You and your sweetie either need to plan to live life in America, or you need to reconsider your degree!

Lawyers in China MUST be Chinese citizens.

 

I hope you guys can figure it out.

Perhaps you can find a Chinese neighborhood to live in. San Fransisco has one, of course, Houston Tx. has a good one I understand, perhaps others can give you more places.

 

One comfort we have is we have a life plan, what we will do while here in America so we CAN move home, how we will move home, and when. We get encouragement on bad days by talking about how we're doing on the plan.

If your plan is to finish your degree, and move to SF (or wherever) then you can start saving to buy a place there, visit the place to know its the right place for you, plan for a future you can both love to live at.

 

Best wishes.

[david_dawei]

You and your sweetie either need to plan to live life in America, or you need to reconsider your degree!

Lawyers in China MUST be Chinese citizens.

This is a great point to raise as they consider their options...

But there are subtle ways around this. I know someone who worked in china for a law firm as one of the 'helpers'. Later went to the US to get his law degree and now is considering how to help chinese companies with US law and patent issues. He is fluent in chinese and so bridges the legal gap.

 

I can put Bob in touch with this person if needed.

[bob23]

You and your sweetie either need to plan to live life in America, or you need to reconsider your degree!

Lawyers in China MUST be Chinese citizens.

This is a great point to raise as they consider their options...

But there are subtle ways around this. I know someone who worked in china for a law firm as one of the 'helpers'. Later went to the US to get his law degree and now is considering how to help chinese companies with US law and patent issues. He is fluent in chinese and so bridges the legal gap.

 

I can put Bob in touch with this person if needed.

 

 

 

Yeah, I knew about the Chinese citizen thing, and it is something that I worry about more and more. I was also considering going the "helper" route, but there is also talk of letting foreigners take the Chinese law exam so there is still some hope... I have also been considering trying to get into the foreign service as a visa officer.. but 48k a year... even in China can make it hard to pay off a law school student loan. It will be awhile before I get a law degree but the more contacts the better.

[bob23]

I am in Gainesville at the moment, but I really want to head out west or the northeast. Gainesville is just a really crap town even though there are tons of chinese students. We have been talking a lot about making a plan as to what we will do and when but it is just so hard to make her come up with one that doesn't involve moving back to china in the next year or so. I have already told her I am willing to move there for 20+ years if the d visa ever becomes an option (d visa is almost impossible I know, so it isn't too big of a concern for me.. z will work if it is with an honest company) and or I am able to find a non English teaching job. My plan would be to live in the u.s. for 10 years and then live in china for 10 years ect... I don't want to destroy her Chinese culture... or my own that I seemed to have gained the last 4-5 years. I do have a lot of hope that we can work something out. Thanks for the idea to visit SF, she did seem a little happy to know she can eat some good sichuan food... at least while we are there that week lol.

Edited October 30, 2010 by bob23 (see edit history)

[Turbo SS1414]

I am in Gainesville at the moment, but I really want to head out west or the northeast. Gainesville is just a really crap town even though there are tons of chinese students. We have been talking a lot about making a plan as to what we will do and when but it is just so hard to make her come up with one that doesn't involve moving back to china in the next year or so. I have already told her I am willing to move there for 20+ years if the d visa ever becomes an option (d visa is almost impossible I know, so it isn't too big of a concern for me.. z will work if it is with an honest company) and or I am able to find a non English teaching job. My plan would be to live in the u.s. for 10 years and then live in china for 10 years ect... I don't want to destroy her Chinese culture... or my own that I seemed to have gained the last 4-5 years. I do have a lot of hope that we can work something out. Thanks for the idea to visit SF, she did seem a little happy to know she can eat some good sichuan food... at least while we are there that week lol.

 

 

Ha I got my masters at UF. Lived there for 2 years. Moved back to Oklahoma in May of 09. Bad timing. If it was now, I had several foreign chinese friends. I could have introduced your wife to them and maybe she would have been more comfortable. I only know one that still lives there and she is not typical chinese. She really likes to go out and party, get high, drink etc. She is working on her phd. She really doesnt like to hang out with chinese people because she says they are boring. So I cant really help you there. Just a couple of years too late.