Wedding Ring Issue

[warpedbored]

As I understand it if a man goes out in public with a green hat on it means his wife is cheating on him. It is similar to the notion that if a spouse here goes out without their wedding ring they are cheating.

Now that you've explained it, I get your drift, but that seems quite a stretch in comparison for me... since we're not talking about a western spouse who was moralized by western culture with this way of living; we're talking about someone who in THEIR culture, NOT WEARING a ring can be considered NORMAL.

 

It is an analogy explained in a way that would make sense to a Chinese person. It isn't meant to push off western morals onto a eastern spouse. The OP is asking for ways to make his wife understand why her wearing the wedding ring they bought is important to him. In western culture if a spouse goes out without a wedding band It can make the other spouse look bad and lose face.

 

Every relationship is give and take. Some things are more important to some than others. Just because you don't find your wife wearing her wedding band important doesn't mean other people don't. There are many Chinese notions I don't necessarily agree with but I don't find important enough to take issue with. Same goes for my wife. There are many American ideas she finds odd but doesn't argue with me about. In the end we learn to tolerate each other's differences.

[knloregon]

Carl's point is well made--- tolerance, but there are flip side cultural considerations here in the US ---- do any of us..... (TSAP ) --- doubt for a minute that we haven't, in our past, present and future---as fellow Baptist Jimmy Carter admitted to having: "Lusted in my heart" ...and checked out a beautiful woman, particularly a beautiful ASIAN woman.... and yes, the attributes of immediate interest were probably not the ring on the second finger of her left hand, but our gaze did eventually go there.....

 

Cultural acceptance and understanding is a two way street ---- Our wives ARE living in the US for the most part. They should try to understand our customs, as we do theirs (in China) --- where I will now avoid wearing a green baseball hat, even though I can bargain it down to about 3 yuan at the night market....

[Dennis143]

Among the Chinese where I live, the wedding ring thing has absolutely no meaning nor significance to them other than having a western wedding trinket to show to other Chinese women. Their adage of words are meaningless and actions are what's important applies to their wearing a wedding ring. They will wear it, if we ask them. But, it has no meaning if the husband doesn't show actions that prove to her and others that she has a "good husband".

 

Western men who feel that if their Chinese wife chooses not to wear that ring is somehow sending a message that she is single and available is simply hogwash.

Edited October 27, 2010 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[chilton747]

My wife says she probably doesn't want to wear it because it is cheap.

[bokiwen]

My wife doesn't wear her wedding ring or her engagement ring. I am partially part of the problem since I don't typically wear mine (more of a work thing, because I will sometimes work in electrical cabinets). I do know that she already has been asked out in Walmart (she is a cashier there) by co-workers. She will wear them if we are going out, however.

[TLB]

I have a question. I spent a great deal of time, effort and cash buying and explaining the importance in the American culture about the wedding ring concept. But I still feel she does not quite get how important it is. She has a couple fine rings with some good rocks but she does not wear them hardly at all in the house and only when going out, like it's just some other ole necklace or something, and only I think mostly because I kinda insist on it.

Has anyone else had this issue?

 

 

I think she may never "get how important it is" if that means her having adopted the American point of view on this. You have to decide how big a deal you want to make of this. Is it worth harming the relationship over?

 

Read your signature quote; what is your response to not understanding her point of view?

 

Having said this, I admit I also felt a twinge of hurt/offense when I first noticed (via skype) that my wife often does not wear her wedding ring (she wanted it, I could have cared less whether we had them). I think you might be right on with your assessment of its meaning for her; your decision is do you accept that, or do you want to continue to struggle to change her into who you want her to be?

[chilton747]

Well, OK. If you really don't want to wear it, let's sell it and use the money for something useful.

 

Now THAT'S a practical solution.

[whatsthedeal]

My wife only wears her's if we go out and I'm fine with that...It hurts.

[Cathy]

Well, OK. If you really don't want to wear it, let's sell it and use the money for something useful.

 

Now THAT'S a practical solution.

I agree. I think this topic was discussed a while ago at CFL. Maybe someone could find out the old thread.

 

Both my husband and I wear the rings. His is a wedding band, and mine are the wedding band and the engagement ring. For Chinese, wearing the rings is more of showing off the wealth rather than 'the married status' meaning. So I wear the rings to satisfy both the Chinese and American cultures.

[bob23]

My wife insisted on a ring and I felt the same way so we ended up buying them. But on a trip back to China she nearly lost hers because it was so loose and that experience kind of changed her attitude about it. At the moment we don't wear rings but that kind of goes back to the whole sizing issue. I am sure once we get some free time we will get them resized and start wearing them again. I have to agree that wearing a ring is much more common among younger couples... her mom and grandma never wore a ring.. but her mom's friend went out and bought a ring after her husband refused to buy her one haha. Just goes to show how each woman is different.

[MoonCarolCafe]

I have a question. I spent a great deal of time, effort and cash buying and explaining the importance in the American culture about the wedding ring concept. But I still feel she does not quite get how important it is. She has a couple fine rings with some good rocks but she does not wear them hardly at all in the house and only when going out, like it's just some other ole necklace or something, and only I think mostly because I kinda insist on it.

Has anyone else had this issue?

From my POV you greatly overstate the significance of the wedding band in American culture. Respectfully;

• If you worry about other men thinking she's single because she does not have a ring on, you may have jealousy issues.
  
• If you think wearing a ring will stop any wife planning to get extramarital side action from hooking up with men who are looking for a fling, you are living in a dream world.
  
• If you think that her not wearing a ring means she does not take her marriage seriously, then perhaps you have married the wrong woman.
  

Sometimes I wear my wedding band. Sometimes not. The wife's only concern is that it's in a safe place and has not been lost. On the list of marital problems to worry about "My wife won't wear her wedding ring" should rank below "She drank all my Knob Creek" but above "She wears her hair short".

Edited November 14, 2010 by MoonCarolCafe (see edit history)

[James1]

I purchased our rings while Ying was still in China, Sent her the engagement ring. She wore it everyday until she realized what it cost(not really that much to me). Then she would not wear it at all until we were together for fear she would lose it are someone would steal it from her. Now in the US she still does not wear them when she is working, only when we go out. She says she is afraid of losing them. I don't care, her actions tell me she is committed to me, that's all I really care about.

[xiaofeizhu]

You think you have problems? Try being on the other end...trying to get your Chinese hubby to spend a great deal of time, effort, and cash getting you a ring...when you work at a jewelry store!!

 

Ok, now to be serious. When my hubby and I first married, we got both of our rings for like $500. At that time, hubby said, "don't you want a bigger ring?"...I cheesily replied that all I wanted was to be with him. Now that we have been together for a while, I sometimes wish that I had taken him up on the offer for a bigger ring. I have looked at buying several rings in the $6,000 - $10,000 range, and yes, I love them and I would love to have one on my finger. BUT! (You had to know there was a but coming!) I cannot find a ring that goes well enough with the ring that I have, because as small and unassuming as the ring I have is, I just cannot even think about being with out it. In other words, despite the fact that I want a new ring, it has not been the money that has prevented me from getting one, but the sentiment. On the other hand, I got my hubby a new tungsten ring, and he loves it. He benched his old ring like an injured football player and never thought about it twice. Although I was the one that bought him the new ring, I have to admit that I was kind of sad that he could replace the original ring so easily.

 

The whole point of what I am trying to say is that rings (and any material thing, really, for that matter) have no actual value outside of maybe monetary value. And even at that, it is people who place value to these items. In our cuture, we treasure them and many of us want to (and want our spouses to) wear them as a sign of our connection to each other. However, I will give you a true story about a customer that I had at our jewelry store once. A woman came in on the cruise ship, and stopped in our store with her husband. She had on a rock, and when I say rock, I'm talking about something in the 6 or more carat range, probably. We always try to complement our customers' jewelry, and her ring was such a looker that I drooled over it, and my co-workers joined me. Boy did I make a mistake. She looked like she was about to cry, and she asked me if I was married (looking at my $300 ring...) I told her I was. She asked me if I was happy. I paused, and told her that dispite the difficulties that my hubby and I sometimes face, I am extremely happy and I would not trade my husband for anything in the world. She looked at me, and at her ring, and it just so happened that my hubby came into the store with an iced tea for me while on his way to work. At this point, the woman is practically crying, but she is doing her best to hold back. After a brief exchange, my hubby left. She again looked at her ring and told me she would give this ring, and her hundreds of thousands of dollars of other jewelry for just one day of what she just witnessed between my husband and me. In other words, the ring, and all her other jewelry, meant nothing because the meaning behind them, and the relationship they represented, meant almost nothing.

 

Your wife may not want to wear the ring for whatever reason. It may be a cultural thing, or it may be a "her" thing. Like I said before, people place value on items, and we perceve things to mean things that the may or may not mean. I am sure that your wife loves you, and she probably shows it on a daily basis. Likewise, I am sure that you love your wife and try to show it on a daily basis. I may still be that naive girl that didn't need a big rock, and just wanted to be with the man she loved, but I believe you will be much happier thinking about how much you mean to each other rather than about how much the ring means to you, and about how little it seems to mean to her.

 

Just my two cents

[warpedbored]

Extremely well said Erika.

[bsmith]

I have a question. I spent a great deal of time, effort and cash buying and explaining the importance in the American culture about the wedding ring concept. But I still feel she does not quite get how important it is. She has a couple fine rings with some good rocks but she does not wear them hardly at all in the house and only when going out, like it's just some other ole necklace or something, and only I think mostly because I kinda insist on it.

Has anyone else had this issue?

Here is my input on the ring situation, I used it to explain to my fiance the importance of a wedding or engaugement ring. In China a beautiful woman can walk down the street alone and never get more then a second glance from most chinese men, In the woman,s mind she knows she is married and finds that a ring is not that important.

But I explained to my fiance that in America, It is a different culture, If a woman is not wearing a ring here, It is a clear sign she is fair game, I explained this to my fiance and she understood very clearly that by her not wearing a wedding ring in the U.S. is sure way to start trouble. She understood, She did not perticuarly like it, But she understood.