I always feel like the 3rd wheel

[Kim-saru]

My wife has been here for a little over a year now. All she makes is other chinese friends. Even though their english is perfect, she just wants to talk in chinese to them and they speak chinese to her, she doesn't even try to improve her english. She always wants me to go with her so I'm stuck with a bunch of people that don't want to speak english, then my wife gets mad at me 'cuz I don't look happy.

 

I have been trying to improve my chinese for the last 2 years, and even went to college for one semester. But when I try to speak chinese to her, she gets mad at me, complaining that she needs to learn english and asks why am I trying to learn chinese and flat-out refuses to teach me anything.

 

So, my question to you is: what do you do in a group of people that only want to speak chinese, you can not add to the conversation, you can't comment on anything they say. Do you just sit there and wait for the evening to end? Or do you just let her go on her own and let her do her own thing while you stay at home?

 

Any help would be great,

 

Thanks

[chilton747]

Just sit there and wait for the evening to end. It has been my experience that my wife does not wish for me to speak to her chinese friends because I might say something wrong.

[Dennis143]

Hey, this is my life...surrounded with nothing but Chinese speaking mostly just Chinese. However, they'll usually try to involve me in the group conversation by having someone interpret what they're discussing, as well as translate my input.

 

Leaving you out is simply rude. Period. Ask yourself if the tables were turned and it was just you, your wife and your English speaking friends; would you not try to make sure that she was somehow involved?

 

From my experience, most English speaking Chinese have difficulty keeping up with English conversations and understanding our many different colloquialism.

[Eric&Yuhui]

Hey, this is my life...surrounded with nothing but Chinese speaking mostly just Chinese. However, they'll usually try to involve me in the group conversation by having someone interpret what they're discussing, as well as translate my input.

 

Leaving you out is simply rude. Period. Ask yourself if the tables were turned and it was just you, your wife and your English speaking friends; would you not try to make sure that she was somehow involved?

 

From my experience, most English speaking Chinese have difficulty keeping up with English conversations and understanding our many different colloquialism.

 

You also have to remember, this might be a natural reaction. One tends to revert to mother tongue while in company of others with the same language. It does not necessarily reflect they want to leave you out, but one ( i.e the dude/ dudette speaking Chinese ) should be aware of that, so they can inject English from time to time... When going to France ( French is my native ) I always catch me speaking too much French with family ( they speak English ) in front of my Chinese wife, whose French is pretty much limited to...Merci... So I switch to English half the way so wifey is OK, although my family's English is not that great..

Compromises boys and girls, the key to relationships :-)

[2mike&jin]

My wife has been here for a little over a year now. All she makes is other chinese friends. Even though their english is perfect, she just wants to talk in chinese to them and they speak chinese to her, she doesn't even try to improve her english. She always wants me to go with her so I'm stuck with a bunch of people that don't want to speak english, then my wife gets mad at me 'cuz I don't look happy.

 

I have been trying to improve my chinese for the last 2 years, and even went to college for one semester. But when I try to speak chinese to her, she gets mad at me, complaining that she needs to learn english and asks why am I trying to learn chinese and flat-out refuses to teach me anything.

 

So, my question to you is: what do you do in a group of people that only want to speak chinese, you can not add to the conversation, you can't comment on anything they say. Do you just sit there and wait for the evening to end? Or do you just let her go on her own and let her do her own thing while you stay at home?

 

Any help would be great,

 

Thanks

 

Interesting post and I have "mixed emotions" about my perception of this issue...and of course it is an issue regardless of the "group language". Last night as I was in Xiamen, Coyote Mexican Restaurant - and my American friend with his Chinese wife and my chinese wife - I was taking care of baby and they were talking at "warp speed" in Chinese. He just passed his Chinese HSK at level 7 so he pretty much can read the newspaper and talk - normally. I found it very interesting looking at his American face and the two Chinese wives talking - that I had to really struggle to take care of the baby and to "stay abreast" of the conversation. Every few minutes I would have to interrupt and ask what a word/phrase meant - but they were OK with it. Regardless - I found the experience "thought provoking".

 

Ok, my bottom line - is that your Chinese wife will continue to make Chinese friends whenever possible - and trying to change that would be like changing the Moon and Tides. I would suggest - that you "continue" your studies - focusing on one of the two hardest things in the language,Listening at Warp Speed. I know it's hard - but I think the rewards are exponential in terms of the family environment. I know it's tiring to hear a language that is spoken fast and it's hard to focus after 10-15 minutes - but again, I think the rewards are worth it. I know I have an advantage, as my wife supports any effort that I make to learn the language and will often, several times a week, break into a new idiom or work on my tones/understanding of a set of phrases. All good stuff and she knows that I tire easily. One advantage - I am learning a lot of new "Baby" words - as she speaks and plays with our son. It is has been my experience, (although I am old and not too bright) that it takes a good year+ of hard work to be able to have the ability to relate to any given conversation with some degree of competency. Forget the grammar, forget the writing, -- concentrate on the listening, speaking and reading if you are so inclined. Learn some idioms and learn some structures - (yao bu yao, dui bu dui etc) and relax in the process.

 

Ok, again I'm old and not too bright - but I am curious and I "Don't like to be left out of conversations or active interchange of ideas". This motivates me to learn and "keep going" although I am getting quite lazy in my old age. Enlist your wife to help you - I can't believe that if she sees you making a continued and concerted effort she will not come to your aid....best of luck in this most interesting area of our bi-cultural lives.

Edited October 11, 2010 by 2mike&jin (see edit history)

[credzba]

I have been trying to improve my chinese for the last 2 years, and even went to college for one semester. But when I try to speak chinese to her, she gets mad at me, complaining that she needs to learn english and asks why am I trying to learn chinese and flat-out refuses to teach me anything.

 

I sit in a crowd of Chinese, and listen as hard as I can (as Mike Suggested). Just letting my brain get used to the sound of the language is actually useful.

 

I have a suggestion...

I use ChinesePod online to study, I have a 20 minute drive to work, and their lessons tend to be about 15 minutes in length. I can listen to one lesson over and over in the car until I learn the key phrases to speak, and learn to understand the lesson. When I come home I ask my wife to help me.

 

Now to your situation, my wife is not overly helpful to my learning, but she HAS found that ChinesePod can be used in both directions. In other words, the Chinese I am trying to learn is given an English translation so I can learn. This gives my wife the opportunity to learn the English words that go with the Chinese she knows.

 

Bottom line, like Mike said, speaking in your native tongue is both easier, and a habit, and around other Chinese it is normal she speaks Chinese.

For learning, you can facilitate her English and your Chinese simultaneously.

 

Good luck.

[david_dawei]

Her saying she needs to learn english (so you shouldn't talk to her in chinese) and her not wanting to talk english when around chinese (so you feel left out) may feel like a contradiction but it really is not. But the speed with which they appear to study and learn chinese varies greatly from person to person. My 'ex' spoke no english when we first meet and by her second year in the US, her english was quite good. She studied almost around the clock. Despite that, she usually talked in chinese since she could articulate herself more easily; and honestly, they can talk privately to their friends, even if a westerner is there. One of her friends who knew english very good would sometimes say what they were talking about. But this revealed the friend's experience in the US and better understanding of relationships. At some point, it can be indicative of her experience in certain issues.

 

I knew a guy who told his wife she was not permitted to talk in chinese if another english speaker was around. This caused so much frustration and face issues for her, but the husband did not see this occurring in her. He could only see his point of view. When my 'ex' asked me what I thought about that husband's approach I said, 'I like hearing your guys talk in chinese. It's like music and I can hear you are both happy.' I might ask at times what is being discussed.

 

If she truly wants to learn english (over your learning chinese), I would encourage her more as there are many methods for her to use. She only makes chinese friends. This is how she feels safe/secure. At only 1 year in the US, she is about 1/2 way there to being quite secure; I often say it takes at least 2 years. She may or may not really want too much contact with western friends; this is an issue which varies person to person and only time will tell how much that changes.

[Scott@Hong]

Difficult situation you are in, but ont thing you might want to mention to her is you would like to be able to talk to her family when you visit them.

 

My wife studies constantly and her English is very good, and at the same time she is teaching me Chinese for this very reason. I want to be able to sit at dinner table with her family and effectively communicate. I see this as a very important aspect of a long term relationship, because you are not just marrying one person, your are marrying a family and she is marrying your family.