Chinese Prejudicial Chef Redux/Repost

[Cerberus]

It has been a while since I last looked at this article, which I posted a long time ago. It was briefing discussed by RobertS, in the posting of “Finding the Hamburger Helper,” which was recently began in Twisted Candle.

 

I thought about RobertS’s requests, and I remembered that some past CFL members thought it was a bit funny, and perhaps newer CFL members might have their own stories to add. Therefore, I thought to myself; “What the Hell!” I finally found the article which I originally made, and was horrified to see the computer language which works into some old CFL codes, and really screws up the language. Please remember that this posting was made about 3 servers and five upgrades way back when.

 

Therefore, I went back and cleaned the language up to make reading easier for the reader. To keep myself honest, I have included the original hyperlink, so that the reader is able to see I didn’t change the content.

 

The stories are just a bit more humor for newer members, who illustrate the development of a intercultural marriage, between a Chinese woman and Westerner. Yes! There is some exaggeration to make it a bit more fun to read. However; the basic story is true. I also want to remind readers that this was when I was a CFL “newbie” back in 2004 & 2005 and was just starting out in a Chinese marriage when this was first posted. Six years or so later, my wife and I are totally different people, matured in our marriage, and still are fortunate enough to a very strong marriage.

 

To new CFL readers; I encourage you to watch your own developing relationships, with a caring, but humorous eye. These happy, naive and developing marriage/language on both people's parts; only comes around once! There isn’t a day that goes by, when I wouldn’t like to turn the time clock backwards to where m wife and I started out at. Please have fun, and of course some humouerous antecedotes from other members will always be appreciated by the entire CFL forum.

 

 

The Original “Sichuan Prejudicial Cooking,” The first post.

 

 

Prejudicial Chinese Cooking

http://candleforlove...wtopic=12339=

 

 

 

The following anecdote I recently experienced when I was with my wife in China in July of this year. I have titled it Chinese Prejudicial Cooking. The logical course of thought, of why I chose this specific title. Some of the statements have been alleviated by the author to add interest and spice. However, the conversations between she and I are as accurately as I can remember. I should add one final note. Yin is really this funny

 

I should set the stage for the reader, since we are arriving in the middle of the act. The two actors will portray the escapades of mates in a typical Chinese American intercultural marriage. Note: There isn't any mop slapping for the faint of heart, or readers who have been mop slapped previously and still suffer the effects of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) you are allowed to read the story in small portions (LOL)

 

Playing the lead lady is the sexy, beautiful, aspiring young Chinese actress, Yin. Yin stars in the role of the talented young wife of Cerberus, in the role of his wife.

 

Playing her opposite, is the sexy, mild-mannered, young American (who am I kidding?!?) Better start this one over. Playing her opposite is the very untalented, ugly, crude-mannered, clumsy, oafish, reprobate and totally naive in the way of Chinese culture...Cerberus. (Note: This looks a lot better doesn't it? To be perfectly honest, not better, just more honest!) Cerberus attempts to play the role of model husband of the husband of Yin.

 

Scene 1:

 

An apartment in the city of Chengdu, China in mid-March.

 

Yin: Honey, we always stay in a hotel. We have been married for 3 months and I still haven’t made you any food by myself. We are always eating out in hotels and restaurants. You don’t love me, anymore!

 

Cerberus: (looking up from paper) “Huh? What did you say?”

Yin: “I said I haven’t prepared any food for you after we married. How do you know that I can cook food?”

Cerberus: “Darling, I'm sure that you can cook very well. For tonight, do you want to eat fish at the restaurant or go to the Hogo restaurant?”

Yin: (Getting PO’d) “I said I haven’t made any food for you by myself! That is Chinese woman’s job. I cook very good food. You should try, langoun.”

Cerberus: “Lampo, there are so many excellent restaurants in Chengdu. You don’t have to cook. Besides, they are probably cheaper. You have to spend a lot of time preparing dishes. Then you have to wash the dishes and clean kitchen. Let’s go to a restaurant and eat.”

Yin: (Really PO’d now) “I’m not going to restaurant. I’m supposed to cook! Besides I cook, you eat. Then you clean dishes! Chairman Mao once said women hold up half the sky. You help me.”

Cerberus: “Lampo, I see your point! (while attempting to protect his vital pieces of anatomy that is exposed) Look, honey. I’ll be returning in July of this year. Instead of a hotel room, let’s lease an apartment, with a kitchen, sink, etc. You can bring you dishes, whatever you need and cook to your Chinese heart’s delight.” (Note: Cerberus, the product of a corrupt Western society slyly thinks that he has 3 months until July. By this time, she’ll have forgotten about this cooking notion. This clearly demonstrates that Cerberus has the all the brains and initiative of a box full of hammers. This man doesn’t even has the vaguest notion of the resiliency of the typical determined Chinese woman) Yin simply smiles to herself.

 

Scene 2:

 

Cerberus is sitting at his desk, at his school, attempting to study neutron gamma radiography procedures and Eddy Current principles of NDT testing/inspections.

 

In the past week; Yin has sent 4 shopping lists and countless menus to him for his review. Cerberus is quickly coming to the inevitable conclusion about Yin and himself. Cerberus is screwed! His wife has not only remembered that she will be cooking for him, she has turned her full resolve into accomplishing her task. Menus are sent via E-Mail, oxen offal, swine chitlins, duck and chicken feet, pigeon brains, goats. The only thing that hasn’t been placed on the menu is Cerberus himself.

 

Cerberus has few choices.

1) Suicide? Nah, too painful, have final tests in three weeks. The instructors would just send the test to him in Hell, to be completed and returned via college electronic drop box!

2) The dog ate the plane ticket? Nah! Too stupid! She never would believe this anyway.

3) Maybe a meeting with a VO in Guangzhou, for 30 days! Nah! She would just come to Guangzhou and cook there.

 

Cerberus has now become resigned to his fate. He reservedly packs his bag, places Yin’s 4 boxes of favorite chocolate reptiles in his bag ( Yin’s manner of describing Nestlé’s Chocolate Turtles s Turtles). This is another bizarre story that truly happened) in his carry-on bag. He then departs for the airport two weeks later.

 

Cerberus has a two-day layover stop in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Cerberus calls Yin telling her that he will be there in Chengdu a day later. Yin is ecstatic. She happily states that she will meet him at the airport with flowers, kisses and hugs. She also says that she has another surprise for Cerberus. She will bring the recipes and the menus to the airport so he can look at them. Cerberus attempts to tell her that she must be very busy; I’ll get a cab and ride to the apartment. Yin will not hear any of this, besides her mother is coming to the airport and will also offer advice and counsel to her daughter and son-in-law, of particular unique aspects of Chinese Cuisine. Inevitably, Cerberus is a broken spirited horse. The last words heard from Cerberus to Chinese Customs and Immigration officer’s is that I have drugs in my bag. They immediately check. They find the drugs! We no arrest you sir! Why not? These weightlifting drugs! They not illegal! Look, can you "sort-of" arrest me? Maybe for two hours? We no can do! It’s not legal! Why we arrest you? Gentleman, my Chinese wife is outside with recipes to show me. She wants to cook for me! Laowei, that not so bad, good wife! Is that your wife waving her arms with papers in her hand? Yes, officer! She is beautiful! I think she cook is good! I’m sure she does, but her mother is also going to advise her and the finer cuisines. Officer looks glumly at Cerberus. We would help you, but she is Chinese woman. Her mother there. Both have hot tempers! They would report us to our comrade supervisor! You have to leave! Sorry! We not help!

 

At this time Cerberus exits and his wife kisses and hugs him deeply. She has a flower bouquet for her husband in her right hand. Cerberus also discerned that she does have the recipes still clutched in her left hand.

 

Cerberus and family arrive at apartment that has been rented. Small, but efficient with a kitchen, balcony, large bed. Cerberus retrieves a 4-fingered glass of Glenfiddich malt whisky and makes his way to the shower with the drink. Yin and mom are now making last minute pointers and plans for food preparation.

Cerberus exits the shower and see that mother has left.

 

Cerberus: “Where’s your mom?”

Yin: “Mother went home so we can be along darling Languon.”

Cerberus: “I’d like to get some sleep.”

Yin: “I don’t want to sleep. But, I want to be with you.”

Cerberus: (thinking quickly to himself) A lot of passionate love and she won’t have to cook, she’ll want to sleep. Besides, I didn’t see any dishes in the kitchen. (This again demonstrates a naïve gullibility of Cerberus’s part. Clearly showing that Cerberus has the all the brains and initiative of a box full of hammers. This man still doesn’t even have the vaguest notion of the resiliency of a determined Chinese woman)

 

Scene 3

 

2 days later in the Kitchen. It is 06:30 in the morning.

 

Cerberus awakes to the sound of pots and pans being moved in the kitchen, Lampo is missing. The date of Cerberus’s infamy is nigh.

Yin: “Lampo, please help me. I can’t find my small pot.” Chinese cursing is heard, and more dishes rattle.

Cerberus: “Languon, what are you doing?”

Yin: “I want to make breakfast for you.”

Cerberus: “What type of breakfast?”

Yin: “Chinese style breakfast!”

Cerberus: “Hold on a minute and I’ll help you.” (Cerberus entering the kitchen see great disarray. The pots are being banged together so much it sounds like a Tong war in a tin kettle.) Cerberus and Yin both get kitchen into some semblance of order.

Yin: “Get out of kitchen now!”

Cerberus: “You don’t want any help? Remember; "Women hold up half the sky?" "Men hold up the other half of the sky."

Yin: “NO! American man not know kitchen. Chinese man not know kitchen! Chairman Mao not cook here either. He is man too! They just make mess! Get out!”

To make a long story short Cerberus soon found out that his wife does indeed make wonderful Chinese food. Several days afterward she makes many Chinese dishes, which would rate very well to a good portion of restaurants in Chengdu. <br style=""> <br style="">

 

Cerberus: “Yin where did you learn to cook? Your mother?”

Yin: “No I watch TV show and learn from there. I see them throw some of this, some of that, and the food tastes very good. Right Languon?”

Cerberus: “Yes, darling your cooking is very excellent. I’m fortunate to marry such an intelligent cultured Chinese woman with great talents.”

Yin: “Tomorrow I make special cake for you for both of our birthdays. You like?”

Cerberus: “Lampo, are you sure that you can make a cake?”

Yin: “Of course! Very simple, for a Chinese woman. American woman is hard; they go to store and buy cake. I love my languon, so I make special cake from my heart, hands and mind.”

 

Scene 4

 

The next day. Yin has prepared a very fine feast stir fry vegetables, roast pheasant and duck with stuffing, oriental red sweet potatoes with honey, honey glazed carrots, marbled eggs as appetizer, white wine, and for dessert a 4 layer German Chocolate Cake. (Diabetics are already probably swooning at this type of food.)

 

The meal has been finished, both Cerberus and Yin are enjoying some wine.

 

Yin: “Cerberus, do you love me? “

Cerberus: “Yes, darling. Very much”

Yin: “Do you like my cooking?”

Cerberus: “Yes, darling you are an excellent cook.”

Yin: “Am I better than most restaurants?”

Cerberus: “Darling I would say on an order of 1 being the best, and 10 being the worst, the food you prepare I would rate at about 7.5 to 8.”

Yin: “That’s because I’m Chinese.”

Cerberus: “I would agree with you that as a Chinese woman you cook Western food very, very well. Most especially since no one trained you. You had to learn by yourself. It’s amazing how well you do. I wonder what your secret is?”

Yin: “My secret is that I’m a banana!”

Cerberus: “You’re a banana?!?!”

Yin: “Yes, I’m a banana and proud of it!”

Cerberus: “Darling, I don’t quite understand what you mean by a banana?”

Yin:: “Langoun! Are you from the US? You don’t understand what a banana is?”

Cerberus: “Honey, I know what a banana is, but what does your expression of banana have to do with cooking?”

Yin: “How can you be so stupid? I’m a banana. Yellow on the outside, but white in the middle! I make beautiful western food and very good Chinese food too.”

Cerberus: “Honey, the term banana is a racial disparaging term. It is like calling an African American the N word. Oriental people are called bananas in a disparaging way. Didn’t you know this? “

Yin: “I didn’t know this. I can’t say that I’m a banana in the US?”

Cerberus: “Between us you can say it all the time. Just in public, I don’t think it would be a very good idea.”

Yin: (pondering over her new language discovery. Suddenly she brightens) “Langoun, then I’ll call myself and A.B.C.!”

Cerberus: “Yin, an American Born Chinese. Darling, you were born in Chengdu, not SF or LAX. How in the name of Hell can you claim to be an ABC?”

Yin: “You’re right langoun! I can’t be an ABC. I’ll have to stay a banana. If the Visa Officers ask me about my cooking, I can tell them that I cook excellently, because I’m a banana! I’m proud of it. They should give me, "the banana," my Visa right away, don’t you think so Langoun?”

Yin: “Langoun, you look sick again. Was there too much food?”

Member’s of this forum. There are few times when such a comedy act is able to come to you in this manner. When my wife receives her interview I will inform this forum I feel confident that the tickets to her interview will bring top dollar. This of the shock when Yin demands her visa after clearly stating that she is a banana. Please try to imagine the look in the Visa Officer’s face. I know that I want to be there. I should remember to bring a movie camera, so that Yin and I have something to laugh about later.

 

On a more serious note; Members, when I married Yin this was the exact type of woman that I had sought for 48 years. She also related that she tried to find me for 39 years of her life. Fate and the blessings of God have brought us together. I’m very sure that this same comedy schtick, will go on for many more years. I hope that all of your life’s will have the same humor that Yin and I have found.

 

Cerberus

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Chinese Prejudicial Chef Strikes AGAIN!

 

Story #2: Free-Range Chickens

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...c=21856&hl=

 

Note To Readers: The major change in this topic was my wife’s adopted Western name of Alice, which has since been nchanged to Yin.

 

 

 

My wife Yin has struck again. Of course, it would be in this particular discipline or area of expertise. To refresh members of where this discourse starts, refer to the link here:

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...c=12455&hl=

To be honest, my wife is truly an excellent cook. She makes every dish from her native Sichuan province imaginable. At the risk of sounding insulting to some members, she turns her nose up with disdain at other Chinese regional cooking. I personally enjoy all of the five major cooking styles of China and always want to try every one of them, when I’m in China. My wife’s words as best as I can remember them with a bit of paraphrasing; “They are not “real" Chinese and DO NOT know how to cook! Sichuan people are the best at cooking!”

Now readers understand where the title of “Prejudiced Chinese Cooking” originates. This original setting was approximately 2 years ago in the city of Chengdu. Let’s us fast-forward to today!

Lately my wife Yin has been complaining about the taste of foods that she obtains in America. Most especially, the pork and chicken. She smells them prior to cooking of the meat and will turn her nose up at them. She concisely and clearly states that they “Don’t smell right, and are not butchered and dressed in Chinese style!”

Obviously, I am just a poor dumb Laowei with only 270~ years of culture behind me. Her culture has 5,000 years, (which I think that she delightedly and gleefully, emphasis on the gleefully) informs me of all the time. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the ultimate Weapon of Mass Destruction, available to any Chinese woman, to establish their premise in any disagreement.

As of late, we are more or less forced to do all of our shopping in Oklahoma City. This locale is NOT the Mecca of Chinese culture needless to say! Shopping for foodstuffs is a clever combination of other Asian culture (e.g. Vietnamese, Thai) grocery stores, attending open flea markets, and a variety of American stores.

This more or less sets the stage of the following observations and saga.

We stop by a Vietnamese grocery store, which specializes in foodstuffs for both Chinese and Vietnamese shoppers. We have an extensive shopping list and this is first stop of the day. The conversation at the meat counter: The players: Yin, one very confused and unsuspecting Mexican clerk (here after referred to as CM) and myself.

 

Yin: “Langon (while standing at meat counter) we do not buy pork." I just want free range chicken!”

Dave: “What is a free-range chicken?”

Yin: “Sagwah! This is chicken that walks around and has good exercise with legs and eats very good to eat. They taste very good!”

Dave: “Exercise does this?”

Yin: Yes! (She waves at CM to come over for service)

CM: “May I help you?”

Yin: “I want to buy two free-range chickens!”

CM: What?

Yin: (speaking slower) “I want to buy two free-range chickens!”

CM: I don’t understand you! What do you want?

Yin: (speaking very slowly and enunciating every word) “I…want…to…buy…two…free-range… chickens!”

CM: What is a free-range chicken?

Yin: It is a chicken that walks around.

CM: (Looking a bit confused) “Ma’am” all chickens walk around!

Yin: (becoming a bit exasperated) I know they do! But I want one that walks around wherever they want to.”

CM: (quickly approaching the point of mental overload looks at me for help!) “Senor, what does she mean by this free range chicken?”

Dave: “Don’t look at me!” I asked and I was called a Sagwah! I know that she wants a chicken to make soup. I know that every times she does this soup it still has the head and feet on it.”

CM: (immediately brightening) “I know what she wants now, senor!”

CM: “Please come here ma’am.” Here is your chicken you wanted.” (He proudly holds one up that has recently come from the freezer. Crisis has been averted!)

Yin: “It is frozen!”

CM: "We have too. It is health Dept rules."

Yin: “Stupid rules!”

CM: “I know but it is law!”

Yin: “This is man chicken!”

CM and Dave: “What?”

Yin: “It is man chicken!”

Dave: “A chicken is a chicken, what does a rooster or man chicken have to with anything?”

Yin: “Man chicken is very bad and doesn’t taste good!”

Dave: “Why?”

Yin: “Man is a man!” Same as man-chicken. They walk around and party, drink and do not do anything. They do not taste good, are too tough!”

Dave: “Never mind! Just buy the damn chicken!”

Yin: "But Langoun, it is a man chicken! It won’t taste good."

Dave: "I don’t care if it is a man chicken, a woman chicken or a hermaphrodite chicken. We don’t have a choice do we? Besides, a man chicken is called a rooster. A woman chicken is called a hen. OK?”

Yin: “No I guess not! But soup will not taste good, because it is a man chicken! Are you sure these are the right words for calling chickens?"

Dave: Yes, Yin! I’m pretty sure of the English language. OK?"

Yin: "OK I trust you. It is still a rooster, not a hen. Very bad taste. We Chinese people know. We have, 5,000 years of culture.”

Dave: "Darling, I love you and your cooking. I will somehow eat the soup! OK?"

Yin: "Are you sure Langoun? It will taste bad you know."

Dave: "Yes Darling, I’m very sure!"

Shortly thereafter, we departed the store with our groceries and Yin’s “man-chickens.” That night she prepared Sichuan style chicken soup with one of the man chickens. The one thing that bothers me is to open the pot up and see a chicken’s head sticking up and looking at me. I usually keep my piece about her cooking. However, I asked why she cooked the chicken with the head on. She has stated that it is for flavor.

I don’t know about the rest of you in this forum. I think most American’s would have a great deal of trepidation in seeing KFC, Church’s or Pioneer Chick outlets, sell fried chicken heads, so the product has a distinctive flavor. This sounds like the original source of another urban myth. I wonder if this myth will make it’s way to the Discovery Channel for the “Mythbuster’s” program. This is one show that, I do NOT want to miss! LOL!

 

On with the saga. We ate the chicken soup over the course of the next few weeks. Needless to say, it was very good. However, there were many times when Yin would remark that the soup would be much better if she had a live chicken and cut Chinese way. I didn’t have a clue of the following:

One: Where to get a live chicken?

Two: How to kill the chicken in a condominium complex, without violating some rule or another.

Three: Who got to do the killing? Mainly because I know that my wife is a “city slicker” and the closest that she came to a farm was when she was employed at the PRC Agriculture Bureau, looking at rice paddies and aphids.

However, love is love. I began inquiring of people, where I could purchase live chickens. I got some seriously weird looks from people. When they asked why, I would explain the desire for live chickens. They looked like the poor clerk (CM) I spoke of earlier. Many of them were smirking, as I would leave their company. Twice, I imagined that I laughter! (Probably, just my imagination!) I suppose that it good to bring some levity into people’s lives though.

I will now set up the next scene for you. Yin and I frequently volunteer at the city animal shelter. I’m the son of a veterinarian and have loved animals all of my life. Yin at first wasn’t too sure about the shelter, since she didn’t have many pets or association with animals (besides rice aphids in her previous employers care). However, she took to it like a champ and began exercising some of the dogs, cats etc. I will point out that the shelter gets a myriad of animals, from raccoons and coatimundis and goes all the way to kittens and dogs. The point; the shelter also has chickens which have either been maltreated or use in cockfights. They are restored to health and later returned to the farm, adoptive home, etc. This is when Yin’s eyes lit up with a new novel and original idea.

CHICKENS! In fact LIVE chickens! We now go to the animal shelter:

 

Yin: "Langoun, I want to adopt chickens!”

Dave: (me thinking quickly, Uh-oh! Something is up!) “Why?”

Yin: “They need good home right?"

Dave: “I suppose so! Why chickens? Get a dog or cat if you want”

Yin: "But Langoun, I want to adopt some chickens!" I don’t want another dog!"

Dave: "Darling, we can’t have a chicken in a condo! First our home is in city limits, which means no farm animals.

 

In the second place I don’t even know what the condo rules are for chickens.

Third, how would you feed them?"

Yin: “We don’t need to feed them, Langoun!”

Dave: (This gentlemen is where men need to have SAW. * Military term meaning situational awareness. I could see the gleam in wife’s eyes. Suddenly, harsh reality set in! ) “No Yin! You are not going to adopt chicken from the shelter, take them home with you and provide a pot for them to live in! Are you crazy, or what?”

Yin: “It’s OK I think. No one is adopting them. They have been here three weeks. I am helping Oklahoma. I’m a very good Chinese woman.”

Dave: "Darling, I love you! But do you want me to get arrested? The Oklahoma Police Dept would be pissed that I am killing chicken in our yard, with kids running all over the place. The animal shelter people will personally hang me up by my thumbs! Are you kidding? YOU ARE CRAZY!"

Yin: "Then I can’t adopt chickens, Langoun?"

Dave: "Not for eating them! NO!"

Yin: "If you say so, Langoun we won’t adopt them."

Dave: "Thanks honey!"

Yin: “But, I still want live chicken for soup! You find for me, OK?"

Dave: (sighhhhhh) "I’ll try darling."

 

I finally found her chicken at a flea market near Oklahoma City. Went there and purchased three of them. Yes they were alive! I’m thinking that my wife will get off my butt for a while. To the readers remember when I sliced my own thumb in a previous post? To me I cut myself. To my wife, she swore that police and paramedics should have been called. My wife is deathly afraid of blood.

Yep! You guessed it! I ‘m selected as the executioner of the chicken! Better half wanted to do in a tree in the front yard. Why and how is that some Chinese women, don’t look out of the window and see about 10 to 15 kids playing in the yard. This site alone should be a clue to even the slowest idiot!

However, I bound their feet, performed the task very quickly and mercifully! Gave the chickens to Yin, who was tasked for dressing the carcasses. Finally! I’m thinking the end has arrived!

Later, that night wife proudly set the table with her “Chengdu potted chicken.” Albeit with the head and feet still attached and strewed also (for that “particular”) Sichuan taste.

It was obvious in her eyes that this was a meal meant for Chinese past memorable Chinese emperors of the Tang, Ming, and Song dynasties. And now for the reign of Emperor David, in Oklahoma City! I see the pride in her eyes at her culinary creation. I have now set the stage for the final segment. We began eating and the conversation approximately was as follows.

 

Yin: “Langoun, how does hen chicken taste?”

Dave: “Darling, it is delicious.” (I was saying this, as the omnipresent and baleful eye of the chicken head stared at me from the plate. Can a dead cooked chicken still be pissed off at me?)

Yin: “David I told you female chicken is the best. We Chinese people know this. Wal Mart and American people don’t know!”

Dave: “Yes, you are right again darling. Chinese people know what is better!” (I have learned to pick my battles carefully!) Thanks honey, for the delicious food”!

 

I’m thinking that the battle has been won. Yin has her chicken. Now my life can return to normal again!

 

Yin: “Darling there is something else though…”

Dave: “What is it Lampo?”

Yin: “American pork tastes funny too. I think American’s do not now how to make pork properly? Can you find Chinese style pork for me?”

 

My closing thoughts are CRAP! What Frankenstein have I created? Is it my imagination, or do I hear the same people I talked to previously, laughing again at me?

Well! I did marry her for better or worse! I wonder what the condo rules are regarding pigs?

The Sichuan Chef and her kitchen slave will now fade to black! Take care all and Merry Christmas. Both of give to you our sincerest regards for continued prosperity, fortunes and continued health to your families and yourselves. .

 

Dave

 

P.S. Yin thanks for all the material you give to me. Thank you for your making my life never to be boring, ever again. I love you.

 

Edited: to remove residual codes

Edited August 1, 2010 by Cerberus (see edit history)

[RobertH]

Funny storie Dave. My wife said the same thing the chicken here dose not taste good. She has asked if we can raise chickens... I like you livein a condo so I say sure btu they gotta sleep on your side of the bed...

[Rob and WeiLing]

I don't quite have the same touch for theater that Dave does, but I'm just remembering a story that happened the other day. WeiLing is really looking forward to the States; she doesn't entirely know what to expect, she just knows that it's totally different from the country she's lived 25-years in. Oh, and she likes oatmeal, breakfast cereal, Western salads, and steak. Of course, not as much as she loves Chinese food though.

 

In any case, we were discussing pets that our future children might raise:

 

WeiLing: I don't want to raise a dog. American's don't like the idea of eating dog, so why would we raise one?

Rob: Because they're like a friend. We could also raise a cat, they aren't as dependent on humans as dogs are, but can be very sweet and sit on your lap more easily.

WeiLing: No. We need to raise something else. When our kids are still young, we'll give them a chicken as a pet. Then, when it's grown fat, we'll all eat it together!

Rob: No! That's traumatizing to kids. A pet is a pet, and you can't eat it.

WeiLing: So when the kids are away, we'll secretly kill it, and then serve it for dinner when they return!

Rob: No! Do you really think that our kids are going to be stupid? Am I stupid? (Yes) Are you stupid? (Angry look) Then why would our kids be stupid? They wouldn't fall for such a transparent trick.

WeiLing: Okay. Fine, since it would be their friend we couldn't eat a Chicken. How about a Cow? We don't have to kill the cow right away, and it will still give us milk we can drink!

Rob: Where in hell are we going to keep a cow? And you would probably STILL want to eat it.

WeiLing: You're right. We could keep the cow for milk until the kids are teenagers, and then we'll all eat it together. American's like beef, right?

Rob: Why are you only concerned with eating the animals? They're raised as friends for the children.

WeiLing: Better question: Why shouldn't we eat the animals? They're delicious!

Rob: We don't live on a farm. City people don't eat animals they raised themselves.

WeiLing: Then we need to live in the country-side.

Rob: ...Sigh... We'll talk about this later.

 

Of course, this was all in Chinese, and I've added a bit of flourish to the story in translation. But that was the general idea. I'm sure we'll probably raise a dog... And NOT eat it. I do wish she was more keen on the cat idea, though. She does sometimes defer to me, but only if I've been "right" multiple times in the past. Multiple. I just won't let her read Dave's story with the free-range chickens. Especially not that man-chickens just walk around and party, drink, and do a lot of nothing. Man, I was chuckling at that...

 

Before I end, I've gotta say that I've come to like eating chicken feet when I'm drinking with Dad-in-law at the nearby SaoKao. Part of it is that I'm drunk, part of it is that I'm stuffing my mouth so he's not telling me that I'm not full yet, and part of it is that I'm pretending it's lamb (which isn't served in summer )!

[Cerberus]

Rob,

 

Yep listening to Chinese logic regard to chickens, cows, cats, dogs, etc, is an eye opening experience Just watching their logic unfold is to say

 

And you are absolutely correct. My wife wanted me hang the chickens upside down, cut their throats with a razor, so blood could be collected. This is to be 1) Done outside in a tree. 2) Swimming Pool not more than 50 meters away. 3) While kids are running around, and would be watching me! 4) In the middle of a condo complex with 25 units!

The SPCA would have turned my butt every which way but loose! Tried to explain this to the wife, but you imagine how far that got? I believe the words were "Stupid Laws!"

 

This aside it does make for an interesting and not a dull marriage!

[Rob and WeiLing]

Rob,

 

Yep listening to Chinese logic regard to chickens, cows, cats, dogs, etc, is an eye opening experience Just watching their logic unfold is to say

 

And you are absolutely correct. My wife wanted me hang the chickens upside down, cut their throats with a razor, so blood could be collected. This is to be 1) Done outside in a tree. 2) Swimming Pool not more than 50 meters away. 3) While kids are running around, and would be watching me! 4) In the middle of a condo complex with 25 units!

The SPCA would have turned my butt every which way but loose! Tried to explain this to the wife, but you imagine how far that got? I believe the words were "Stupid Laws!"

 

This aside it does make for an interesting and not a dull marriage!

 

Oh yeah. Interesting is a word for it. Even with my in-laws, I learn new things about Chinese logic every day. (And I never quite understood how logic was subjective before I married WeiLing.) I've got another quick story, not about WeiLing, but about my dear mother-in-law...

 

We had just moved everything back to Hubei from Zhejiang. Classes finished and now we're hanging out until the flight to the US. I normally use a large towel when I'm done showering. Chinese use things smaller than what I'd call a "hand towel", and expect me to use the same. I do, of course, because Hubei is so damn hot that I'm soaked in sweat as soon as I "dry off". But in any case, I was getting ready for the shower, and Mom ran to grab me a small sized towel, stating that it would be easier to wash. As soon as she brought it in, she took it straight to the sink and got it all soaked. I was just thinking "WTF? I wanted to DRY off with that, or at least TRY with something so small." It turns out, she was worried about the dust that would be on it from being out in the sun all day.

[Robert S.]

Raising chickens in Dalian, in the city limits

 

http://i375.photobucket.com/albums/oo194/possumrex/DSC03029.jpg

 

Dave, it is good that your stories will now be preserved, thanks for re-doing them.