The Great Santa Stories

[keelec]

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....ct=ST&f=1&t=448

 

From: Office of Gift Requests

North Pole Headquarters

Claus Philanthropic Fund

 

To:  Visa petitioners and their loved ones

 

RE:  Visa requests

 

 

Dear friends,

 

I wish to assure you that we here at the North Pole are taking all possible measures to meet the overwhelming number of requests for visas this Christmas season.  Unfortunately, we are not able to meet all requests that were received within the normal time frame of Christmas Eve.  Actions where taken to meet these requests, but matters beyond our control prevented us from doing so.

 

Screening for bad behavior and maintenance of extensive data bases are areas of expertise in which our organization takes pride in being the best in the world.  Therefore, a special detached unit of 1,000 elves was dispatched to Washington, D.C. for the express purpose of offering aid with processing name checks and entering the pertinent data into the U.S. Department of State’s computer data bases early in the month of November.  

 

Unfortunately, the new Homeland Security Department failed to honor the free passage treaties which have existed for over 200 years between the United States and Mr. Claus.  The aforementioned elves where arrested shortly after crossing over Lake Erie.  Department of State lawyers now insist that the treaties only applied to the free passage of Mr. Claus personally and that the elves will be held in custody pending the outcome of their name checks to determine if any are potential terrorists.  Also, the elves have reported being extensively pressured to reveal names on the “naughty list”.  All have held firm and refused to reveal this information. (The Claus Philanthropic Fund has a long standing policy of not releasing information concerning specific names on the naughty or nice list)  We have appealed this action on the basis that the elves where traveling under diplomatic immunity.

 

Needless to say, the loss of services of such a large number of elves has seriously limited our ability to grant requests.  In addition, the elves where traveling in Mr. Claus’s personal sleigh, NP-1 and utilizing three of the primary members of his reindeer team. (Since the sleigh was not fully loaded with gifts, an undersized team was being utilized.)  The loss of this equipment and deer will also have detrimental effects on Christmas deliveries.

 

Mr. Claus himself has intervened in the normal process and ordered the following steps to be taken:

1. Christmas season will be extended for one month to allow for overtime work by the remaining elves.  Special dispatches of visas will continue during this time.

2. A smaller unit of 25 elves has already been dispatched and is currently aiding The American Consulate at Guangzhou, China to issue visas for which clearance has been received.  

3. Certain key officials in the U.S. have been placed on the “naughty” list.  

4. A special operations team consisting of Computer Science and Information Technology trained elves was successfully infiltrated into the Department of State using new stealth sleigh technology and they managed by working late at night and early mornings to clear half of the backlogged names before being discovered.  All successfully escaped and managed to cross into Canada except for one squad of 12 elves.  These claimed to have been unable to make an effective flight to the north and are currently in Bermuda.  Their claims are viewed with suspicion by Mr. Claus and are being investigated.

5. The newest technology stealth sleigh having been proven in action, it will be utilized by Mr. Claus this season.  

6. Back-up reindeer are ready to replace the three team members being held in quarantine by U.S. Customs.  

 

Mr. Claus sincerely apologizes for not being able to meet all the received requests within the normal time frame and assures you that as soon as the current matter is resolved, serious consideration will be given to how to avoid future delays.

 

 

A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!!

 

Signed,

 

Santa Claus

[keelec]

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....ct=ST&f=1&t=466

 

Press release for immediate distribution: (North Pole)  The Public Relations Department of the North Pole Headquarters of the Claus Philanthropic Fund today released further information.  There have been many questions regarding the large number of elves that were arrested upon entering the United States.  The Department of Homeland Security has even stated that the large number indicated in itself more than just a mission of mercy.  In response, the CPF has released the following breakdown of the assignments of the elves involved.

 

Due to special dietary preferences of elves and in an effort to avoid any burden upon the taxpayers of the United States, the contingent was accompanied by their own commissary and quartermaster.  In addition a smaller number where teamsters and reindeer drovers. Due to these reasons, fully 1,000 of the elves where designated for support of the main contingent.  Another 1,000 made up the main working unit of the Special Field Investigation team.  These were specialists in investigating reported naughty behavior.  300 elves where computer specialists designated to aid in the update of what was reported to be outdated computer equipment.  A group of 600 elves where data entry personnel.  This group was unusually large due to the desire to complete the anticipated work as rapidly as possible.  The remaining 100 elves all had been with CPF for at least 150 years each and where assigned to management duties.

 

Mr. Claus himself has again repeated the statement that all the elves involved where traveling under diplomatic immunity and has appealed for their immediate release.

[keelec]

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....ct=ST&f=1&t=481

 

News Flash – All of the elves recently arrested for allegedly illegally entering the United States have been released from captivity along with their sleigh and reindeer and are currently in the Norwegian Embassy compound at Washington, D.C. awaiting approval of their flight plan.  They are expected to be allowed to depart in time to reach the North Pole for Christmas Eve.  It is reported that, acting as a neutral third party and after intense negotiations, the Norwegian government managed to secure the release of all the elves. The Claus Philanthropic Fund spokesman expressed their gratitude to the people of Norway and hinted that Norwegian children might want to put up two stockings this year.  The U.S. Department of Homeland Security insists that the whole affair was merely a misunderstanding caused by department employees not being aware of the free transit treaty between the North Pole and the United States.  

 

Mr. Claus has refused comment, but his evil twin, Belsnickel, has been reported sighted in the Washington, D.C. area.  Reportedly, Belsnickel’s elves have been working overtime at his coal mines in Antarctica.  Also there is an unconfirmed rumor of a break-in and unauthorized access to employee records at certain government agencies.  This was allegedly conducted by mysterious elves not clad in the green uniforms of the Claus Foundation, but rather black uniforms common to the Belsnickel Group.  Our source indicates that there appeared to be particular attention paid to names and addresses.

[keelec]

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....ct=ST&f=1&t=488

 

The Elf looked at the bald man behind a large ornate desk. He was trembling in fear for some reason. “Sir, they somehow got out from where we put them. I don’t know how they were able to get away.” The elf trembled some more and continued,” Somehow news got to the Norwegians and they were able to get out everyone involved.” He started to break down and cry,” There was nothing I could do sir! I tried to delay them for as long as I could! Don’t do anything to my family!”

 

The fat man behind the desk leaned over to the short elf. His black uniform wrinkled from being worn way too long. He also stunk of coal dust, an honest thing being here at the South Pole. That is all they do here, mostly mining the coal for all the bad people on Santa’s list. What most people didn’t realize is that Santa had a twin, and all the people on Santa’s bad list got put on the fat man's shoulders for him to deliver the coal. If only I was born first, the man thought. I would have made a grand Santa, but nooo… I have to be down here in the south taking care of all the BAD PEOPLE! It was days like these he wished he had never been born. That is neither here nor there though. He knew that there had to be a Santa for the “Bad boys and girls” “Well, I knew that the plan won’t work for long. My brother is very clever and has resources I cannot bribe or control.” He waved his hand in dismissal,” You may leave.” A look of relief appeared on the Elf’s face, but the fat man leaned in closer. “Your family will have a little less coal this quarter because of your bungling. The only reason I do not do more is because I need the coal you mine. Now be gone!” The Elf scurried away while the fat man slumped in his chair once more.

 

He looked at the fire that was burning. It’s flame licking the fireplace like a live thing. He also noticed a picture on the mantle that he hasn’t seen in quite sometime. He got up from his chair and wandered over to the mantle to take a closer look. It was a picture of a happy man with a smallish woman next to him. The man looked similar to the fat man, if he lost about 100 pounds and 20 years of his life. A tear came to his eye as he stared longingly at the lovely woman that was next to the man. He reached out with his finger and stroked the picture where she was. A feeling of sadness started to overcome him as a voice from behind said, “You still miss her, don’t you?”

 

The fat man turned and noticed he was looking in a mirror. Then his eyes noticed the difference in the suit, it was mostly red, with fuzzy white collars and a wide black belt. It was Santa Claus.

 

“There must be something in my eye, perhaps the smell of eggnog and chocolate chip cookies.” He frowned at his brother,” So, what do I owe the pleasure of your visit “Brother”. His emphasis at the last word made it sound like a bad word, uttered in contempt.

 

“My dear Belsnickel, don’t you think you have suffered enough pain?” His look that he gave his brother was of caring,” Mei Ling was a nice woman. I am sure mother would have taken her in as one of her own daughters. Why did you end it with her? You had never told me?” The fat man known as Belsnickel sat heavily into his ornate chair.

 

“Chris, You don’t know the pressure of being the bad guy, especially at this time of year. There are even bad people that I do not want to see, and they deserve all the coal I could give them.” He turned away from his brother, “ Why does this interest you? After all I did to mess your plans up. It certainly wasn’t concern over my feelings I am sure.” He snorted in distain. “I should have been born first, then you would be in this chair and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

 

“Maybe we would have Bel, You never know. My life would have been different, but this isn’t about us, this is about Mei Ling. I knew how special she was to you.” Chris reached out to his brother and he ignored the gesture and spat in anger.

 

“She was not special to me! What do you know!” His voice sounded as hollow as the lie he used to cover his real feelings.

 

“Don’t blame the governments over what happened 20 years ago Bel, it isn’t right.” Chris laid his hand on his brother’s shoulder and this time Bel did not ignore the touch. Bel turned and faced his brother.

 

“She was a wonderful woman!” Chris said. “Why didn’t it work?”

 

“Because, Damn it!” Bels real feelings showed on his face, he was in anguish, “She deserved better then to be Belsnickle Claus! I didn’t want her to be burdened with the thoughts of her husband being a bad man. Add that to the fact that no mater what I did in China, they always found a way to mess up the paperwork! I took great glee in handing out the coal the year that happened!” His anger spent, he sagged back into his chair. A look of melancholy was on his face.” I stopped talking to her, in hopes that she would stop writing me, but it seemed to make her more earnest in her pursuit of me.” He looked in Chris’s eyes and lowered his voice to a bare whisper,” Why Chris! What possesses her?”

 

Chris kneeled down and looked his brother straight in the eye. “I believe it is called love. She loves you for who you are, not for what you do.” He patted his brother on the shoulder. “People do strange things for love. You know how many lives you have influenced because of your attempt at petty revenge? Many people will be without their loved ones this Christmas because of what your Elves did by ferreting out mine,” Bels eyes lit up for a moment and then died down as Chris continued. “You don’t think I wouldn’t have spies keeping an eye on you did you?”

 

Bel snorted and said,” How else would you have gotten to me here? I am not the most available man you know.”

 

“You know, Mei Ling still asks to know how you are.” Santa looked at the mantle and noticed the picture there of the happy couple. He took it down and looked at it. “She was a real good catch, at least that is what mother said.” Chris chuckled and his belly shook with the laughter.” She had said it would open a whole new door for us if you were to marry her. Think of all the children there that do not believe in us!” He placed the photo back on the mantle. “It might have even caused us to make Christmas into a two day holiday.” He laughed merrily at his own joke and Bel couldn’t help but laugh with his brother. Then he turned to Chris again and said,” Mei Ling has asked, about me?”

 

“Every Christmas ever since you stopped writing her, she has wrote me asking for you to be with her. You were never the kind of person I could get a hold of. I think you taught those people in Washington D.C. a thing about infinite waiting.” His belly shook again with silent laughter. He reached into his sack and pulled out a bundle of mail. “Here are all her letters my brother. Won’t you please write her? She misses you terribly!”

 

With trembling hands, Belsnickle took the letters from his brother. It was a very large pile of letters, almost 4 inches thick. “I see she still spells my name wrong, although I think she does that just to be cute,“ Bel said gruffly. He pulled the red ribbon that held the letters together and began to look at them. Seeing her handwriting again brought tears to the old mans eyes. “perhaps I was hasty those many years ago. Do you think she will still have me?”

 

Chris, with a twinkle in his eye smiled and looked at his brother in merriment.” It’s the Christmas season my brother, anything is possible!” He Chuckled and hugged his brother for a very long time.

 

 

  <Guys! I couldn't help myself. I was thinking about this all day at work and had to write it down. Now we know what the real story is. I hope no one minds me writing it.>

 

Phil

[keelec]

SAnta called me...

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....ct=ST&f=1&t=493

 

Santa did. Yes... He's been lurking on this board since Mrs ran off with a naughty reindeer to the South Pole.

This was a satellite call on my GSM..5 .17 PM CST today

"I know what you feel dude. No goodies for those folks in Washington this year !"

 

Well, I just wanted you all to feel a bit better  

[keelec]

christmas wish for santa

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....ct=ST&f=1&t=485

Dear santa i have been a good boy the whole year  , my terri is the most loyal faithfull girl waiting patiently for her packet 4 notice for interview , do you think you could put a few of your elves on overtime to well , sort of speed up things   also santa many people have been waiting to long out here for results , so if you dont produce im filing a grievance with my union steward i dont believe we have to let this go to arbitration so lets solve this in a civilized way---merry christmas to all the people our government forgot    

[keelec]

Problems for Santa, I promise - the last one

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....c2b23e83cc5dcc2

Special press release from Santa:

http://dsc.discovery.com/news/briefs/20021...752.74252452986

Arctic Ice Cap Melting; Santa Concerned

By Larry O'Hanlon, Discovery News

 

Decade Comparison of Ice Cap  

 

In Depth: Explore Planet Earth  

 

On TV: Watch "Unsolved History"  

 

 

 

Dec. 23 — It's bad news for Santa Claus: global warming is melting the Arctic ice cap, and this September, ice coverage reached a record low.

 

Decades of satellite, submarine and other records on the coverage and thickness of Arctic Ocean sea ice show a dramatic thinning and shrinking of the ice on and all around Santa's North Pole operations center, said Mark Serreze, an atmospheric scientist at the National Snow and Ice Data Center at the University of Colorado in Boulder.

 

Serreze and a wide range of Arctic ice watchers presented their concerns at the recent meeting of the American Geophysical Union meeting in San Francisco.

 

 

 

September's Arctic Ice cover is usually the lowest of the year. The heaviest, widest extent of ice usually is reached in March. But this September was different. "It's the lowest (ice cover) since 1978, for sure," said Serreze, "and probably the lowest in the last 50 years."

In the winter, the Arctic Ocean ices up right up to the northern shores of North America, Eurasia and Greenland, which is especially handy for hauling Christmas supplies and reindeer feed to the North Pole.

 

But those shores make it hard to measure any changes in winter sea ice coverage. In the summer, on the other hand, the ice retreats northward and how far it retreats over the years gives researchers a good idea how the Arctic is responding to global warming, Serreze explained.

 

As for the thinning of the ice, that has been measured by looking at declassified U.S. and Russian submarine records from the 1950s through the 1990s, said Serreze. Submarines often travel under the ice and their crews need to know where they could break through for air or the occasional impromptu milk and cookie parties at the North Pole.

 

Arctic ice used to range from one to four meters thick, said Serreze. That's dropped by 40 percent over the decades, he said. What's worse, the thinner ice is lighter and easily pushed around and broken up by the wind.

 

Discovery News has learned that in recent years the thin ice has caused a number of incidents in which flying reindeer have punched through the ice upon landing. All the reindeer were safely fished out with large sticky candy canes, confirms Ilbereth, a spokes-elf for Santa Claus, who added, "That is, after all, really what giant candy canes were invented for."

 

Regarding the intensifying ice problem, Ilbereth would only say: "We are following the research with intense interest and Mr. Kringle is considering several options."

 

One immediate change that will be noticed by children who stay up past their bedtimes on Christmas Eve is that all Santa's tiny reindeer will be equipped with equally tiny personal flotation devices.

 

As for rumors that Santa might relocate to the South Pole or is being wooed by the Russian government to set up a new operations center in Siberia, Ilbereth offered no comment.

 

"All I can tell you is that Mr. Kringle considers the shrinking ice, as well as the continuing ozone layer destruction over both poles, less than jolly matters."

[keelec]

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index....ct=ST&f=1&t=466

 

I didn't write this.

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

I think Santa Claus is a woman...

 

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

 

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.

 

Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

 

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

 

Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

 

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.

- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.

- Men don't answer their mail.

- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

 

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...

- Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.

- Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

- Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

 

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!

 

 

[Mick]

Thanks for the hard work in researching and posting these Cliff. Sure brings back a lot of memories from nearly a year ago. At that time, Owen and I were both still in China, awaiting word like everyone else in the Black Hole. These sorts of posts were a lot of fun and show just how creative and special some of the Candle members are. I really enjoyed reading them again. Thanks.

[Eric&Yuhui]

Thanks for the hard work in researching and posting these Cliff. Sure brings back a lot of memories from nearly a year ago. At that time, Owen and I were both still in China, awaiting word like everyone else in the Black Hole. These sorts of posts were a lot of fun and show just how creative and special some of the Candle members are. I really enjoyed reading them again. Thanks.

yeah, but you were cranky too !

[Mick]

Thanks for the hard work in researching and posting these Cliff. Sure brings back a lot of memories from nearly a year ago. At that time, Owen and I were both still in China, awaiting word like everyone else in the Black Hole. These sorts of posts were a lot of fun and show just how creative and special some of the Candle members are. I really enjoyed reading them again. Thanks.

yeah, but you were cranky too !

Yeah, you're right Eric. I was cranky too. And I am starting to get cranky about some of this AOS bullc**p I have been reading about as well.

[Eric&Yuhui]

Yeah, you're right Eric. I was cranky too. And I am starting to get cranky about some of this AOS bullc**p I have been reading about as well.

I don't blame you. I decided to cool off as there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Right now, she can stay here, she can travel out, she can work...

The rest is academic and mere paper-shuffling.

Move back to Miami ! The wait is only 12 months ! Oct 2002 processing date for I-485.. Woooohoo !! I'm all tingly already....

 

Just kidding

[Mick]

Yeah, you're right Eric. I was cranky too. And I am starting to get cranky about some of this AOS bullc**p I have been reading about as well.

I don't blame you. I decided to cool off as there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Right now, she can stay here, she can travel out, she can work...

The rest is academic and mere paper-shuffling.

Move back to Miami ! The wait is only 12 months ! Oct 2002 processing date for I-485.. Woooohoo !! I'm all tingly already....

 

Just kidding

Moving back to Miami might not be a bad idea. It has been cold as the proverbial witches t*t around here this week. Below freezing every night and they are calling for snow flurries Friday and Saturday. The balmy south this ain't.

 

Seriously, after fifteen years in Miami and another five in Guangdong I am not adjusting well to the cold. But then, I didn't like the heat much either. Ah well, this too shall pass. If you get a chance, take Yuhui down to Miami to Santa's Enchanted Forest. Just go down the Palmetto Expressway until you get to Tropical Park. Can't miss it. Used to take my daughter there every year. It is kind of tacky in a Christmasy sort of way but still a lot of fun and it she give her a real feel for Christmas in the US.

[Eric&Yuhui]

I might just do that. Thanks..

Snow in AL/TN ?? Gulp !!!

[chinadave2001]

Yeah, you're right Eric. I was cranky too. And I am starting to get cranky about some of this AOS bullc**p I have been reading about as well.

I don't blame you. I decided to cool off as there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

Right now, she can stay here, she can travel out, she can work...

The rest is academic and mere paper-shuffling.

Move back to Miami ! The wait is only 12 months ! Oct 2002 processing date for I-485.. Woooohoo !! I'm all tingly already....

 

Just kidding

Moving back to Miami might not be a bad idea. It has been cold as the proverbial witches t*t around here this week. Below freezing every night and they are calling for snow flurries Friday and Saturday. The balmy south this ain't.

 

Seriously, after fifteen years in Miami and another five in Guangdong I am not adjusting well to the cold. But then, I didn't like the heat much either. Ah well, this too shall pass. If you get a chance, take Yuhui down to Miami to Santa's Enchanted Forest. Just go down the Palmetto Expressway until you get to Tropical Park. Can't miss it. Used to take my daughter there every year. It is kind of tacky in a Christmasy sort of way but still a lot of fun and it she give her a real feel for Christmas in the US.

Mick, how cold can it be down there? Up here in Connecticut it's a balmy 10 degrees with below zero wind chills.....why do I live here????

Chinadave