Best Way to Deal with Chinese Wife's Ex-Husband

[ling and wa]

I am French and I met my ex-wife in December 1986. She¡¯s a Chinese woman who belongs to the overseas Chinese community of Madagascar. She¡¯s 2 years older than me and is a really beautiful woman. We lived together for 22 years and had 3 children: daughter, 19-years old; son 14-years old, and; daughter, 10-years old. For some reasons, we separated in August 2008 and I live now in Canada (Montreal) with my 3 children. I am a truck driver, I am not rich but not poor either, I have a decent life and a good education. But as I knew that sooner or later we would separate, I didn¡¯t make any effort to buy a house so I can say I have nothing. I admit that my ex and I had many very good times together, but now we have had a different evolution, so that bit by bit the common life became impossible.

 

Even though we don¡¯t live together, I keep very good relations with my ex¡¯s family, I really appreciate them and reciprocally, they are good persons. But about my ex, I can¡¯t say that our relations are good (they are rather cold) and I think she has difficulties accepting our separation. But, up to today, there has been no real war between her and me.

 

In September 2008 I met another woman, Ling, by Internet: she lives in Zhanjiang (Guangdong) and we really felt a reciprocal attraction to each other. She¡¯s 5 years younger than me; I am 46 years old now. Our communication is in English. This was the occasion to make our efforts to improve our English ¡­ We talked of all subjects and we understood that we really always had the same way to think about all sides of the life. She¡¯s divorced; she has one son, 17-years old, who lives with her. She¡¯s an accountant in an import-export company and uses daily a computer and internet in her office. I know that sometimes we can meet scammers and gold-diggers on the Internet, so I really had asked her many questions about her life and after some weeks I considered that she never lied to me. She sent me some photos of her with make-up, taken by a professional photograph, and some photos of the daily life, where I could see she really has an average physical appearance. She never tried to hide anything from me and always answered my questions honestly.

 

Ling's ex-husband is a rich businessman, 10-years older than her, and she told me that the main reason why they divorced is because of the very bad temper of her ex husband. She understood early after their marriage that maybe one day they would have serious problems so she always kept her job. But when they divorced they shared their goods, she got (with notarized document) an apartment. So I can¡¯t say he was selfish with her and I think he had deeply loved her, despite his bad behaviors. So, we agreed that, if we really were honest and if we really are like we said, there wouldn¡¯t be anything against a marriage project. So I travelled to China in February 2009, and the physical contact confirmed our genuine relation.

 

Some days after my arrival, we had a meal with her sister, and her son, the contacts were good. But after that, her ex-husband heard about my presence here in Zhanjiang and she got big troubles with him, many phone calls from him, because he can¡¯t bear her to have relations with another man. So one day (while we lived at the hotel) he came at the door of the room with another man, he hit hardly the door and began to speak very loudly, yelled. So Ling went out, she remained in the corridor and they had a shouting match. When she went out of the room she had told to me it¡¯s better for me to stay inside and so I did. I didn¡¯t want to excite him more, but I looked through the hole of the door, ready to get out if the ex became violent. I said to myself, as long as he doesn't touch her, I would let them speak to each other. Then after 15 minutes they went out of the hotel. About one hour later, she came back and I could see she had cried, she still had tears in her eyes. Her ex was with her and¡­ I couldn¡¯t believe, but he insisted to invite me to lunch!

 

I really didn¡¯t know what to think at that time, it was a surrealist situation, but despite the fact that I really was amazed, I understood that it would be best to accept, to make him keep his face. The lunch was in an individual room of the restaurant and he invited about 10 friends of his too. He sat at my left and she sat at my right and, even though I have mastered the chopsticks use, she put all the foods in my bowl. I felt her really treating me as if we were married. Her ex-husband treated me as well as he could and everybody could think that we really were good friends. But I felt that inside him, he made his effort to keep the face. And I returned a good behavior to him of course. At the end of the meal all their friends wished a good future to Ling and me, and I thanked everybody to have welcomed me.

 

Then Ling and I returned in the hotel room, and Ling explained that she must return the apartment to her ex if she want to live with another man, and she signed a paper for that! I couldn¡¯t believe she gave up so much, because of me! I understood at that time, that she really loved me and I could trust her 100%. No doubts for me, she must be my wife soon. We passed the rest of the holidays in Hainan Island. At the end of our holidays she presented me with her parents (I felt they don¡¯t really agree 100% with her decision to marry me, but they must accept) and I returned in Montreal, after 2 weeks in China. I won¡¯t describe the tears she had when I got back!

 

After that, she told me her ex-husband tried by all ways to have her again, he apologized for all his bad behaviors, he proposed her to give her back the apartment and a lot of money if she accepted to re-marry him, etc. Of course she refused. We spoke about our marriage, and she told to me that I would have to pay a bride price. I had heard about this custom, so I wasn¡¯t really surprised and I told her I would give 39999 RMB to her parents.

 

I made another trip in China one week in April 2009, and we married at that time . I offered to her some nice gold jewels and I gave the bride price to her parents during a meal, and a gold jewel to her sister. The sister gave to me a jade bracelet in exchange. We agreed Ling would come in Montreal with her son to live with us and I plan to buy a house soon for that, before they will arrive. But we must be patient because it takes much time to make the visas.

 

After I had returned back at home, she told me that she has another apartment 200 m2 in a new building, she didn¡¯t dare to tell me that before. She told me she pays the bank 4000 RMB each month with her salary, and she proposed to me to put this home in our community. If I would not be interested, then she would sell it before coming in Montreal. Again I really was amazed, but I accepted. I send now 800 dollars each month for the apartment, this money is my contribution because she already has paid since beginning 2007, so it¡¯s my turn now. We plan to retire in China, so this apartment is a good deal.

 

And I made another trip, one week in July 2009. I visited the apartment, it is really nice but we must make the decoration later.

When I was back again at home, I made all the papers to process the visas. She must ask her ex-husband to sign a paper, an agreement because it is required to make her son¡¯s visa (he is not still 18 years old). Her ex-husband had a terrible behavior, but at the end he signed.

 

However, I wonder, what should I do about her ex: I mean, should I return to him the invitation to lunch, give him face and try to have a correct relation with him (because of his son who will live with Ling and me). After all, he always had a correct behavior with me and I am not supposed to know he tried but failed to get Ling again when I was back in Canada. I don¡¯t really worry about that, it¡¯s not a problem for me but I think it¡¯s better if we can normally speak together instead of having cold relations. Ling told me, I don¡¯t need to speak to him but maybe she¡¯s emotionally involved so I would like an external advice. What do you think about the amazing behavior of the ex husband?

 

I can say I am really happy, my story is a good one and I wanted to share it with some other people. I am sorry for my poor English, I hope my story is understandable. Thank you!

[david_dawei]

Ling told me, I don¡¯t need to speak to him but maybe she¡¯s emotionally involved so I would like an external advice. What do you think about the amazing behavior of the ex husband?

She said exactly what I would say. No need.

 

I understand his actions and in the end, he invited you out to save and give face; I think that is what we might call 'closure of an issue' in the west. So now, let it go.

 

I've see nothing that amazing in the whole scenario (by her or him); But the way fate has played out with the few twists and turns should make you feel more secure in her. I've seen and heard such things before; some of it as close as you did. Focus on her and the child, that is enough. thanks for sharing. best to you.

[Guest Pommey]

yes, I agree with David and welcome to CFL.

[3timescharm]

Sounds like you have a winner. Good luck in the future and yes....welcome to CFL

 

Robert

[tkgert]

I think he knows now who she loves and wants to be with, make her happy, she made her choice and that was you. Wish you the best

[Robert S.]

Thank you for coming here and telling your story. That took a long time for you to write I'm sure and it was written quite well.

 

The ex-husband will find out over time how you are taking care of your new wife and the young man. He will be reassured by that.

[Robert S.]

Anything new to tell us about?

[Guest Tony n Terrific]

You are being set up by this woman. You are supporting her and that dead beat con artist husband (if he really is) by sending her $800 buck a month. You are a trucker and if you don't back up 10 and see what is going on here. The best is yet to come for her and the worst nightmare of your life is approaching.

Edited January 24, 2010 by Tony n Terrific (see edit history)

[chilton747]

You are being set up by this woman. You are supporting her and that dead beat con artist husband (if he really is) by sending her $800 buck a month. You are a trucker and if you don't back up 10 and see what is going on here. The best is yet to come for her and the worst nightmare of your life is approaching.

 

 

I kinda have the same feeling.

[chengdu4me]

I cannot speculate one way or the other. But, from what I have observed, when two people divorce in China, they are dead to each other. There is no contact of any kind. I know more than a few divorced men and women here in Chengdu. None of them will even speak of their ex's, much less meet with them. But, this is China! Different things happen in different places.

[ling and wa]

You are being set up by this woman. You are supporting her and that dead beat con artist husband (if he really is) by sending her $800 buck a month. You are a trucker and if you don't back up 10 and see what is going on here. The best is yet to come for her and the worst nightmare of your life is approaching.

 

Thank you Tony for your reply. I must admit that I don't really understand exactly all what you said and what you mean (You are a trucker and if you don't back up 10 )... my english is so poor

But I clearily understand your idea.

 

She's really divorced, I've seen her houku because I needed this document in order to process the visa. Tony, I respect your opinion about my story, but you don't give any element which makes you see it with a so negative way. I would be interested to know more, and why do you think she's a scammer and her ex husband acts in collusion with her? Isn't it normal to pay for the appartment if I want to keep it for the future?

 

Chilton, you share the same opinion. So would you please, tell us more and explain why you have the same feeling.

 

I stay tuned and will reply again after

[chilton747]

You are being set up by this woman. You are supporting her and that dead beat con artist husband (if he really is) by sending her $800 buck a month. You are a trucker and if you don't back up 10 and see what is going on here. The best is yet to come for her and the worst nightmare of your life is approaching.

 

Thank you Tony for your reply. I must admit that I don't really understand exactly all what you said and what you mean (You are a trucker and if you don't back up 10 )... my english is so poor

But I clearily understand your idea.

 

She's really divorced, I've seen her houku because I needed this document in order to process the visa. Tony, I respect your opinion about my story, but you don't give any element which makes you see it with a so negative way. I would be interested to know more, and why do you think she's a scammer and her ex husband acts in collusion with her? Isn't it normal to pay for the appartment if I want to keep it for the future?

 

Chilton, you share the same opinion. So would you please, tell us more and explain why you have the same feeling.

 

I stay tuned and will reply again after

 

It's just a gut feeling in line with what Chengdu4me posted. From what I have learned as well, Chinese couples that divorce are dead to each other. Of course as always, I could be wrong and wish you the best of luck.

[credzba]

It's just a gut feeling in line with what Chengdu4me posted. From what I have learned as well, Chinese couples that divorce are dead to each other. Of course as always, I could be wrong and wish you the best of luck.

 

 

My wife and I have been married for 2.5 years, she is in America with me, and our marriage is good.

 

I start with that because ling and wa story is very similar to mine at first.

When I meet my wife, she has apartments from the divorce.

When we get married, he ex came to our house in China, and yelled. He even went to neighbor house and bothered them complaining of my wife.

 

I met him one day because we need his signature for the daughter to come to America. I went with my wife, because I fear for her, but in the end he signed the paper.

 

 

I only relay this information because I want to encourage ling and wa. While anyone can be a cheat, the story he tells is similar to my own in many parts, and I was not cheated, in fact I have the best wife of any!!

[weiaijiayou]

I can't say for sure whether anything is wrong, but a few things strike me as red flags. The main thing is communication.

 

When your wife agreed to give her apartment back to her ex-husband, where did you believe she would then be living when/if he decided to take it back? Did this not concern you? Furthermore, it turns out that she had a separate apartment available but didn't mention it to you until she wanted your financial input. Shouldn't the existence of this alternative apartment have come up sometime in your discussions in the aftermath of her signing over her home? Finally, this other apartment sounds huge and extremely expensive. Even though you've been sending $800 per month, nothing you've said gives me the impression that you'd know whether or not this one is also somehow related to the ex-husband.

 

It's your life. No one here can say with any confidence anything about your wife's character, her ex-husband's intentions, or their relationship, or, correspondingly, how you should respond to the ex-husband. The main feeling I get is that you're investing huge amounts financially without having a deep understanding of the situation and relationship histories that you've walked into. If that's a leap of faith you're willing to take, then go for it. Since you're probably already tens of thousands of dollars into the relationship, whether or not to treat her ex-husband to dinner seems like small potatoes. You might as well.

[Guest Tony n Terrific]

You are being set up by this woman. You are supporting her and that dead beat con artist husband (if he really is) by sending her $800 buck a month. You are a trucker and if you don't back up 10 and see what is going on here. The best is yet to come for her and the worst nightmare of your life is approaching.

 

Thank you Tony for your reply. I must admit that I don't really understand exactly all what you said and what you mean (You are a trucker and if you don't back up 10 )... my english is so poor

But I clearily understand your idea.

 

She's really divorced, I've seen her houku because I needed this document in order to process the visa. Tony, I respect your opinion about my story, but you don't give any element which makes you see it with a so negative way. I would be interested to know more, and why do you think she's a scammer and her ex husband acts in collusion with her? Isn't it normal to pay for the appartment if I want to keep it for the future?

 

Chilton, you share the same opinion. So would you please, tell us more and explain why you have the same feeling.

 

I stay tuned and will reply again after

The saying backoff another 10 simply means slow down a little and make sure you are heading in the right direction and not heading off some cliff.

When I was in Nanning with my wife I met a man from England. He just married his new wife. His wife wanted to become friends with my wife and I after I returned to the States she told me this man from England bought his wife a home and car in Nanning. Great. When I returned to Nanning to visit my wife I asked her about the Englishmen and his wife. She told me that she was nothing more then a con artist looking for a foolish love struck man to take advantage of. She did divorce her husband but it was all a show so the two of them could latch on to some guy and take him for alot of money. She told me that her and quote ex-husband staged an argument in front of the Englishmen. They did this to show her "love" for her new British husband and to be on the safe side she needed to get a new place to live so he could never bother them again. This poor Brit was taken in by this sting. It maybe just a coincidence with you with your wife. However it is too similar what happened to the British man.