Need Help

[A Mafan]

My wife has gotten angry with me for not arranging more opportunities for her to interact with native English speakers here in the US.

 

On the other hand, she refuses to go with me to dinners with co-workers and other such activities, because she feels frustrated that she can't understand enough of what is being said.

 

And when we went out with just one other couple, even though she participated in the conversation and answered questions such that she demonstrated she understood the conversation perfectly, after we got home she still complained that she felt like she didn't understand a word they said.

 

And once she got into an ESL class, she only spent time out of class with the only other Chinese speaker. Not that much, though, because the girl annoyed her to no end...the reason they hung out was because the other girl kept on dragging my wife to act as driver for this girl's own activities (she couldn't drive herself) and my wife was too polite to say no very often.

 

Hmm...that anecdote may have given me a little insight into how to understand and describe "face"...

[Squonk]

My wife is also stuck at home all day, partly because of her own choosing.

My wife QQ's and Skypes to a plethora of people, some of them men.

I do not like it, but at least she does it in front of me, meaning that she does not seem to want to hide it from me. Based on her tone of voice the conversations do not seem to be romantic in nature.

I am assuming that these were people that she previously knew in China.

Although I have no idea.

Yes my wife should spend less time on the computer and more time carving out a life for herself in her new country.

Should I be concerned?

[Kyle]

My wife is also stuck at home all day, partly because of her own choosing.

 

Keep encouraging her to do things with you. I'm sure that if you're sharing your concerns here on CFL, that you've likewise made this known to her. Make sure she feels like it is important not only for her, but perhaps equally important for you.

 

I do not like it, but at least she does it in front of me, meaning that she does not seem to want to hide it from me. Based on her tone of voice the conversations do not seem to be romantic in nature.

I am assuming that these were people that she previously knew in China.

Although I have no idea.

 

Before Jingjing and I got married, we read a lot of books, specifically pertaining to interracial/intercultural relationships. In EVERY book that we read, it stressed the importance of communication. Not talking while watching TV, but getting rid of all distractions and talking/looking at each other. They suggested to do this daily for 15 - 30 minutes. For us increased communication has given us increased trust for one another.

 

Since, doing this, my wife and I have learned a lot about each other - things that just didn't come up in day-to-day conversations, and we have grown closer intimately as well.

 

If you're unsure about her conversations on QQ, I wouldn't interrogate her about it - as you're probably right that the openness of the situation suggest it's based in friendship.

 

I don't have a problem with my wife doing this. However, I know many of her friends (as many of them are mine) and we're both open about talking about it (perhaps sharing funny stories related to the conversation). Being transparent and open with my wife has allowed us to have complete trust. For us communication on a day-to-day basis has made all of the difference.

 

If you're wife is speaking to her friends on Skype and QQ, trying to compensate for a lack of communication in the home, then yeah, that's not so good. But, if she's touching base with her roots, from our own household's point-of-view, this is normal and acceptable.

 

Perhaps there are many roads that may lead to a desired outcome. This was simply our experience.

Edited October 24, 2009 by KJJ (see edit history)

[dongyan]

I could undersand many chinese ladies here new in usa get depressed.I was so excited when I just got here,the clear blue sky,the fresh air,the friendly people.but soon I got frustrated being home all day long.the language is a problem.the culture is definitely another problem.I found a lot of crazy and strange thing here.then I start miss the way we do in china.I miss my family and friends.I miss the traditional chinese food,the morning tea time.I miss the convenient bus running all around.yeah miss lol.talk to chinese lady who is also in usa would help.

[Guest jin979]

Thank you for posting your thoughts.

 

To move here as a fiancee/wife is very different than as a student visa or work which is just temepary thing. permanant is permernant.

I will add when I lived in china I saw many ex-pats from the west and they all seeked other ex-pats to be friends with, so I find it strange that some here believe their wives wont want this here.

 

American women do not share our culture or speak our minds, I find it inconcevible that USC men can talk of our needs/desires here, how do they know ?

seems like to put us in a box that makes them feel we are happy, so they are happy.I dont speak for all some are happy to have little or no chinese contact, but thats rare.