Culture Question.

[credzba]

Thanks for all the points of view.

 

My wife and I discussed this some more, and it became a very painful discussion.

Her perspective is she can do anything she wants with her property, and it is none of my business. She doesn't interfere in my pre-marriage property and I should not interfere with hers.

 

I agree with her.

 

My perspective was that it seems strange to give property to an 18 year old. I don't think she understood me.

 

She explained that transferring the apartment to our daughter after she married allows her future husband to claim half of it, and that is unreasonable.

 

I agree with her.

 

So, in the end, it still feels strange to my american way of thinking, but it isn't my business. I have to trust my wife knows best.

[weiaijiayou]

this is interesting -- i've never heard of chinese parents giving the daughter an apartment. for the chinese people i know, it's the expectation that the man should buy an apartment (or his parents should get one for him) and that will be ready when he finds a woman and gets married. my wife (from henan province) didn't get an apartment from her parents, but her brother did. her parents wanted to know whether or not i had already bought a house, but they definitely never offered to get us one!

[weiaijiayou]

no matter what you do, you should express your concern about equity as far as your own children go. cultural understanding is a two way street. i assume you'll eventually decide to give the apartment to her daughter, but she should understand your cultural point of view, too.

[Cathy]

The commonness is that you own something only after you put into your effort and earn it. Otherwise, it does not belong to you. And, it is better for you not think of something in other's possession.

[fineart]

What does she give to your children? Does she take your children as her children, as you do to hers? Will your children feel hurt that this new woman comes to your home and takes everything worth money from you and leaves nothing worthy for them? Why her family offer this idea to her, if the excuse is her family ask her to do this? Do her family ever consider you and your children need to live comfortably too?

 

If, say , once in a million, she divorced you after you transfer the appartment title to her daughter, what will you be left for your own life?

 

You mis-understood.

The apartment is my wifes, was hers before marriage.

She has every right to do with it anything she wishes.

 

She is not trying to take anything from me.

Oh, then I really misunderstood. I didnt know that was her appartment.

[david_dawei]

I think there's too much western thought being applied here to another cultural decision; I feel the peg is round and our heads are square on this one.

 

I've seen many issues surround house issues within chinese families. I find the common denominator as a protective one; family always think foremost that one needs someplace to stay (or own!); and that they take care of the children's future in some way is paramount. (Anyone ever realize how important it is to some chinese families that the man "owns" a house?)

 

I read in one post that it's more understandable if it's a big event (college); why can't the event be something pragmatic like turning 18? Maybe this is the legal age someone can "own" property... now I want to know if this is true or what age can.

 

IF there is distance from the action, I can only ask; who is the one feeling it? I hear too many questions where we are posing the situation into a competition of things; and have's and have not's. The distance isn't physical; it's mental and maybe emotional based on a 'thought' process. Some will like to say it's based on the action of having done this. If she were married to a chinese guy, I'm not so sure this 'thought' would cause any division.

 

Maybe she expected acceptance and support and the other side is expecting equity and fair share. Time to close that gap somehow.

[shadeOgray]

You are apart of her family now, there is no her family, your family. She is doing normal thing for a parent.

 

I think that is what bothers me.

I want it to be our family, our children, etc.

However, when it becomes she giving her property to her daughter, then my ideal breaks down.

 

Suddenly, it is her daughter, and my children.

It creates a distance between me and her daughter and she and my children (I try to avoid her/my but I need it in this context for clarity).

 

She agrees I should give a house to my 2 children as well, but that would leave us with nothing.

 

Perhaps it is expectation.

If I gave a house to my children, they would feel free to sell it, and use the money as they saw fit.

My wife thinks we can continue to live in the apt. after she gives it away, until we die.

 

Still thinking.. still not comfortable

Your still thinking like an American, you will no have "NOTHING".

Your children will take care of you as you get older, it's the Chinese way.

[Guest Pommey]

David and Shady nailed it, it should really be a non-issue

[david_dawei]

Your children will take care of you as you get older, it's the Chinese way.

right.. and it's a very reciprocative process: The return on the investment is only as good as the original investment, loosely speaking.

 

One cannot really leave out the bigger picture of what often is going on; it's a highly symbiotic process (good investments lead to good returns) most of the time.

[sweattrl1]

It,s her house let her do as she pease with it , my wife have one in china to , she owned it before we were married, so to my way of thinking it is her,s , and her way of thinking it is our,s, and my way of thinking is all we have will be hers after i am gone ,my children as well as her daughter get what ever she fell she wish to give them,i trust her decissions always , i only dout mine B) , peace out and trust her ways and her reason , she will surprise you,

 

JUST THINKING OUT LOUD

[amanda1969]

What does she give to your children? Does she take your children as her children, as you do to hers? Will your children feel hurt that this new woman comes to your home and takes everything worth money from you and leaves nothing worthy for them? Why her family offer this idea to her, if the excuse is her family ask her to do this? Do her family ever consider you and your children need to live comfortably too?

 

If, say , once in a million, she divorced you after you transfer the appartment title to her daughter, what will you be left for your own life?

 

 

you dont understand chinese woman or culture at at all do you

 

 

Help us out, Jin...explain it for us. In Chinese culture, how is thinking about children from prior marriages mixed with children from this marriage? What is the pecking order in relation to "our" children vs. "my" children vs. "your" children?.

Yes, it is Chinese tradition that parents leave apartments or other properties to their children. As Chinese parents, many of them are working hard to gather more money to get their children have better life. However, as my opinion, it is somehow not a better idea. Cannot you see children are raised with fortune that they do not have to make themselves or make efforts on their own? It is somehow problem to educate our kids in China that kids take for granted to get what their parents own. Many Chinese kids are too spoiled but do not have feeling to be thankful. Children should be educated that everything is not eazy to get but they should work out for themselves.How to get LAZY children? You have got your answer.

I got my parents help(money) to buy my 2 apartments during my difficult previous time. I am so grateful for my parents. I am going to pay off them after I finally sell them.

 

 

Amanda

Edited June 29, 2009 by amanda1969 (see edit history)

[chengdu4me]

My marriage to Yan came with a son. He is 14. Will I/we buy or give him a house...No..we won't! We will provide him with the best education we can afford and that he can get. We will provide him with all the financial counseling he needs to make sound and wise decisions. We MAY help with a down payment if it is necessary. He will inherit whatever we have when we pass on. Anything else he wants, he works and saves for, just like I did and just like his mother has done.

[samsong]

My marriage to Yan came with a son. He is 14. Will I/we buy or give him a house...No..we won't! We will provide him with the best education we can afford and that he can get. We will provide him with all the financial counseling he needs to make sound and wise decisions. We MAY help with a down payment if it is necessary. He will inherit whatever we have when we pass on. Anything else he wants, he works and saves for, just like I did and just like his mother has done.

A question: Is that 14 year old boy going to accept you? This is a question worth it's weight in gold. Something to think about and be aware of. I'm only asking.

[chengdu4me]

My marriage to Yan came with a son. He is 14. Will I/we buy or give him a house...No..we won't! We will provide him with the best education we can afford and that he can get. We will provide him with all the financial counseling he needs to make sound and wise decisions. We MAY help with a down payment if it is necessary. He will inherit whatever we have when we pass on. Anything else he wants, he works and saves for, just like I did and just like his mother has done.

A question: Is that 14 year old boy going to accept you? This is a question worth it's weight in gold. Something to think about and be aware of. I'm only asking.

 

 

Well, I think he already has! He calls me Papa and every time he sees me, he has a big smile and either a hug or knuckle bump (depending on who is watching)