Culture Question.

[credzba]

Next year our daughter (via marriage) turns 18.

My wife told me she will transfer one of our apartments in China (hers before marriage) to her daughters name when she turns 18.

 

One part of me thinks, that is okay, it was yours before marriage, do what you want.

Another part of me says, wait a minute, I pay for everything since we are married, and will pay for our retirement and home(s) in the future.

 

It seems a bit strange to me (American thinking) to transfer the ownership of property to an 18 year old.

 

If she was getting married, or graduating from college.. maybe as I understand that is normal.

But transferring it just because she turns 18 .. I don't know. It feels wrong.

 

There are also equity issues, as I had 2 children before marriage. These two deserve equitable treatment, so should I transfer $100,000 to each of them, and then my wife and I would be broke and property-less?

 

Just wondering about you guys thoughts.

I know my wife is a good woman, but her family is pushing her to do this transfer, and it really makes me uncomfortable.

The truth is I can't put my finger on exactly why it makes me uncomfortable though.

[Guest Tony n Terrific]

I have heard that when the son of the household gets married you are expected to buy him a home.

Edited June 20, 2009 by Tony n Terrific (see edit history)

[warpedbored]

Seems to me that what you and her aquired before your marriage is yours and hers to do with as you wish.

[chilton747]

Just my 2 jiaos worth but you say her family is pressuring her to do this? Is she only wanting to do this to please her family? She has a new family now and this new family takes priority.

[chengdu4me]

What is good for the goose..and all that...

 

If you owned your home before you got married, then amend your trust to give $100,000 (cash or like value)to each of your children before any other inheritance priorities.

 

If you are in a state that your estate goes to your surviving wife, then you will need her approval/signature to do this.

 

Fair is fair and equal is equal....now that all the kids are all taken care of, you can go back to working OT to set you and your wife up for retirement(again)

[Bert]

I certainly don't know how normal it is; I can only relate my experience with the two Chinese women that I have known. My first girlfriend had a younger sister. When she got married, the apartment that her parents inherited from her grandparents was transferred to her younger sister. Her parents moved to Shanghai from Wuhan long ago. The apartment in Wuhan was transferred to my ex girlfriend. I don't know when, but she has never been married.

 

My fiancee was supposed to be given an apartment in Wuhan when she got married. Now that she is marrying a foreigner, that seems to be off the table. She said it would probably go to her younger sister now.

 

My fiancee also says it is normal for the groom to give his wife a new house once they are married. We'll see how that works out.

[Guest jin979]

You are apart of her family now, there is no her family, your family. She is doing normal thing for a parent.

[credzba]

You are apart of her family now, there is no her family, your family. She is doing normal thing for a parent.

 

I think that is what bothers me.

I want it to be our family, our children, etc.

However, when it becomes she giving her property to her daughter, then my ideal breaks down.

 

Suddenly, it is her daughter, and my children.

It creates a distance between me and her daughter and she and my children (I try to avoid her/my but I need it in this context for clarity).

 

She agrees I should give a house to my 2 children as well, but that would leave us with nothing.

 

Perhaps it is expectation.

If I gave a house to my children, they would feel free to sell it, and use the money as they saw fit.

My wife thinks we can continue to live in the apt. after she gives it away, until we die.

 

Still thinking.. still not comfortable

[fineart]

What does she give to your children? Does she take your children as her children, as you do to hers? Will your children feel hurt that this new woman comes to your home and takes everything worth money from you and leaves nothing worthy for them? Why her family offer this idea to her, if the excuse is her family ask her to do this? Do her family ever consider you and your children need to live comfortably too?

 

If, say , once in a million, she divorced you after you transfer the appartment title to her daughter, what will you be left for your own life?

Edited June 21, 2009 by fineart (see edit history)

[Cathy]

If your wife acquired and owed the apartment in China totally before the marriage, which means you two did not pay for any mortgage on it in your marriage, then it is better for you not think that apartment is a part of your property. It belongs to your wife, and she decides whatever she thinks appropriate.

 

The same suits in your current house. If you two are still paying the mortgage on it, then this house is a property within this marriage. It belongs to two of you, and it does not necessarily go to your children from previous marraige. You and your wife need to discuss and decide on it.

 

Whether you and your wife could live in the apartment in China after retirement is really up to the relationship between you two and her daughter. It will be her decision then.

 

Just my opinion.

[Guest jin979]

What does she give to your children? Does she take your children as her children, as you do to hers? Will your children feel hurt that this new woman comes to your home and takes everything worth money from you and leaves nothing worthy for them? Why her family offer this idea to her, if the excuse is her family ask her to do this? Do her family ever consider you and your children need to live comfortably too?

 

If, say , once in a million, she divorced you after you transfer the appartment title to her daughter, what will you be left for your own life?

 

 

you dont understand chinese woman or culture at at all do you

[chengdu4me]

What does she give to your children? Does she take your children as her children, as you do to hers? Will your children feel hurt that this new woman comes to your home and takes everything worth money from you and leaves nothing worthy for them? Why her family offer this idea to her, if the excuse is her family ask her to do this? Do her family ever consider you and your children need to live comfortably too?

 

If, say , once in a million, she divorced you after you transfer the appartment title to her daughter, what will you be left for your own life?

 

 

you dont understand chinese woman or culture at at all do you

 

 

Help us out, Jin...explain it for us. In Chinese culture, how is thinking about children from prior marriages mixed with children from this marriage? What is the pecking order in relation to "our" children vs. "my" children vs. "your" children?.

[Guest Tony n Terrific]

Blending families is a tough road to hoe much less 8,000 miles away.

When you remarry you are starting anew. The prior assets before marriage should be yours however these assets should be shared.

This is why pre-nups are so popular today. Is it fair for a person who worked all their lives be forced to give half of everything to their spouses after a year marriage that went south? Look at Paul McCartney's fiasco.

[fineart]

What does she give to your children? Does she take your children as her children, as you do to hers? Will your children feel hurt that this new woman comes to your home and takes everything worth money from you and leaves nothing worthy for them? Why her family offer this idea to her, if the excuse is her family ask her to do this? Do her family ever consider you and your children need to live comfortably too?

 

If, say , once in a million, she divorced you after you transfer the appartment title to her daughter, what will you be left for your own life?

 

 

you dont understand chinese woman or culture at at all do you

Ehrrrr, you are right. I dont know Chinese culture includes this issue. Might you know it better. Better wait until you are in the similar situation then say everything is a culture. Until that time comes that if you have children from prior marriage and married to a woman has her own children from her prior marriage, and if you will give your property just because her children turn 18, I will believe you are truly an executor of the "culture" you know. But even if there is a chinese culture like that, now, a new marriage with his children, his children should be considered using another culture view. Otherwise, to my opion, it is selfish.

 

A culture sometimes includes essence and garbage. There is no need to inherit the garbage part just because it existed before. If you think as long as it is called "culture" , it should be accepted. Then you should not marry a Chinese woman, because Chinese culture doesn't include encourage their women to marry foreigners. But you did marry to a wonderful Chinese woman, so you guys are modern-minded and seek real happiness indeed instead of obeying some "culture" blindly.

[credzba]

What does she give to your children? Does she take your children as her children, as you do to hers? Will your children feel hurt that this new woman comes to your home and takes everything worth money from you and leaves nothing worthy for them? Why her family offer this idea to her, if the excuse is her family ask her to do this? Do her family ever consider you and your children need to live comfortably too?

 

If, say , once in a million, she divorced you after you transfer the appartment title to her daughter, what will you be left for your own life?

 

You mis-understood.

The apartment is my wifes, was hers before marriage.

She has every right to do with it anything she wishes.

 

She is not trying to take anything from me.