chinese woman with child

[John C]

Hello all,

First I would like to say thanks to this site and all the great members, I hope all of our dreams come true and life will always be what we hoped.

My question is as follows: I have been seeing a wonderful woman in China, she is like no other and has given me hope that there are real people still in this world. The only thing that bpothers me is her Son. She is divorce and her ex has custody of her son. Her son is being raised by his Grandmother and is very well taken care of. She see's her son for short visits and the grandmother is very protective of the grandson.

We have talked in depth about her coming to USA if we are approved of course, and leaving her son behind. She feels left out of his life due to the divorce and says her son will be well taken care of. I guess I feel bad for the son and feel responsible. I have spent time with the boy and it is strange of the lack of bond as i have with my own children. Is this normal in there culture, with the whole picture.

She is a wonderful, warm and caring person, yet I could never leave my child behind.

Any input would greatly be appreciated....

Thanks

John

[Dennis143]

Very, very common. Seems almost every Chinese woman I meet has left their child behind to be raised by the grandparents. Displays of affection between parents and children are very uncommon. These are probably the biggest and most glaring of all the cultural differences.

 

I wouldn't make an issue of it and just accept it.

 

Welcome to the Candle and good luck.

[John C]

Very, very common. Seems almost every Chinese woman I meet has left their child behind to be raised by the grandparents. Displays of affection between parents and children are very uncommon. These are probably the biggest and most glaring of all the cultural differences.

 

I wouldn't make an issue of it and just accept it.

 

Welcome to the Candle and good luck.

Thanks for your reply, It has always bothered me, yet Like I said I never have found such a sweet and sincere woman in my life. The grandparents have money and worked for the government. When we took her son for the day the grandmother called her three times in a period of four hours.

[IllinoisDave]

Welcome to Candle.

 

The boy will be very well taken care of. As Dennis said this situation is very common. No need for you to feel guilty about "taking his mother away." His mother has an opportunity, with you, to have a happy life, something that might otherwise elude her on her own in China. If things work out for the two of you then everyone has a better chance of being happy.

 

And it'll give you an excuse to visit China more often. Good luck.

Edited February 10, 2009 by IllinoisDave (see edit history)

[warpedbored]

Dennis and Dave are right. Unlike the US fathers usually get custody if they want it in China. There is a slight possibility though that once your wife is here the grandparents may decide the child has more oportunity here.

[chilton747]

My wife left her son in China as well. At first she wanted him to come but when he got accepted to a university and got lined up with a government job then she knew he would be well taken care of. I think this is first and foremost in their minds.

Welcome to Candle!!

[lostinblue]

Yan also left her son in china. Her ex had custody. She saw the son on weekends. Does she love him very much. YES Right now he is in a boarding school. He returns weekends to his father's home. He was 13 when she came to this country. We are in the process of bringing him over here as my stepson. The ex agreeded to give up custody so the son can study in the US,If he decides to return to china in the future after he receives his degree more doors would be open for him in china. A US diploma looked upon very well in china. With Yan she hopes he might get a job with an american firm and work in china. (the dream job )My marriage to yan is as good as I could of hoped for. She is a warm loveing woman. In the chinese culture hard decisions are made that we THINK we could never make. A husband and wife both leave the children to seek work in another city . Only to return once a year to the grand parents home during spring festival time. They have learned to "eat bitter". This is so at least one child can go to a good school and university. Everything is about surviving. It is a call that is made in million's of households across china yearly. Just be prepared for the day she would like him here in your household sometime in the future. If not then money will be sent back across the pond to support him and put him in a good university.In a nutshell none of this is strange for the chinese.

[Guest Pommey]

you will do just fine, welcome to CFL

[TootTaLu]

Hello all,

First I would like to say thanks to this site and all the great members, I hope all of our dreams come true and life will always be what we hoped.

My question is as follows: I have been seeing a wonderful woman in China, she is like no other and has given me hope that there are real people still in this world. The only thing that bpothers me is her Son. She is divorce and her ex has custody of her son. Her son is being raised by his Grandmother and is very well taken care of. She see's her son for short visits and the grandmother is very protective of the grandson.

We have talked in depth about her coming to USA if we are approved of course, and leaving her son behind. She feels left out of his life due to the divorce and says her son will be well taken care of. I guess I feel bad for the son and feel responsible. I have spent time with the boy and it is strange of the lack of bond as i have with my own children. Is this normal in there culture, with the whole picture.

She is a wonderful, warm and caring person, yet I could never leave my child behind.

Any input would greatly be appreciated....

Thanks

John

My experience is similar to yours.

 

After you get married,you'r wife will do what she wants about her son.

If she wants,SHE WILL DECIDE to bring her kid here or not.

 

My wife has taken up with a lesbian who adopts Chinese babies,and my wife thinks that lesbian friend is going to get her son here faster.

My wife needs to convince her ex-husband in China to give permission to let the boy go.

 

I dont concern how honest or nice this lady is.

No matter what she is telling you,once she gets to America ITS UP TO HER what to do about her Chinese child.

 

Also,IT DOES NOT MATTER that you like this child.

If she finds another way to get her kid over here YOUR FEELINGS are in the toilet.

[LeeFisher3]

Unlike the negative post above, I had to press my wife for her son to come to the US and she had custody.

 

One of the real issues is that you are an unknown. The family does not know if you are for real or a good guy, so the family will do what they feel is best for her son. In China it is not always the parents decision, it's a family decision.

 

We had to do some convincing with the family that he would have much better educational opportunities in the US, I say this as he is watching Johnny Test on TV while waiting for his school bus. The family needed to be convinced he would be in a good situation, step children in China are tolerated, but not considered part of the family of the new spouse.

 

Give it time, but leave the option open. After your fianc¨¦e receives her visa her son can receive a K-2 visa within 1 year without much effort, in most cases it's a given that the child's visa interview will be only a formality, especially if your she attends with him.

[Chad]

John C,

 

Like already mentioned this is pretty much normal, jsut the begining for some cultural shock for both of of you. They really push for their kids to have better then them.

Edited February 10, 2009 by Chad (see edit history)

[Guest jin979]

Hello all,

First I would like to say thanks to this site and all the great members, I hope all of our dreams come true and life will always be what we hoped.

My question is as follows: I have been seeing a wonderful woman in China, she is like no other and has given me hope that there are real people still in this world. The only thing that bpothers me is her Son. She is divorce and her ex has custody of her son. Her son is being raised by his Grandmother and is very well taken care of. She see's her son for short visits and the grandmother is very protective of the grandson.

We have talked in depth about her coming to USA if we are approved of course, and leaving her son behind. She feels left out of his life due to the divorce and says her son will be well taken care of. I guess I feel bad for the son and feel responsible. I have spent time with the boy and it is strange of the lack of bond as i have with my own children. Is this normal in there culture, with the whole picture.

She is a wonderful, warm and caring person, yet I could never leave my child behind.

Any input would greatly be appreciated....

Thanks

John

My experience is similar to yours.

 

After you get married,you'r wife will do what she wants about her son.

If she wants,SHE WILL DECIDE to bring her kid here or not.

 

My wife has taken up with a lesbian who adopts Chinese babies,and my wife thinks that lesbian friend is going to get her son here faster.

My wife needs to convince her ex-husband in China to give permission to let the boy go.

 

I dont concern how honest or nice this lady is.

No matter what she is telling you,once she gets to America ITS UP TO HER what to do about her Chinese child.

 

Also,IT DOES NOT MATTER that you like this child.

If she finds another way to get her kid over here YOUR FEELINGS are in the toilet.

 

 

Toot, try not to be so negative to chinese women or man, you had your experience, others are different.

to chinese (as i'm sure to many western here wife is #1) you must commit totally, if you are "cheapskate" then you start badly. all of us no matter from where are judged by our actions.

this is a mixing of 2 cultures and families we all have much too learn. please dont generlise about others from your experiences, you shaped where you are now as much as she did/does.

remember life is like a movie, you are your character but the story is not yet told, you need to except and live though your negative, its your place now, but better not progect that others, it does you no good.

 

toot face your pain walk into it, except it and you come through it, self presevation is self denial which leads to much disharmony. Breath, meditate, accept.

 

sorry very off topic

 

on topic you are fine, family is family

[John C]

Hello all,

First I would like to say thanks to this site and all the great members, I hope all of our dreams come true and life will always be what we hoped.

My question is as follows: I have been seeing a wonderful woman in China, she is like no other and has given me hope that there are real people still in this world. The only thing that bpothers me is her Son. She is divorce and her ex has custody of her son. Her son is being raised by his Grandmother and is very well taken care of. She see's her son for short visits and the grandmother is very protective of the grandson.

We have talked in depth about her coming to USA if we are approved of course, and leaving her son behind. She feels left out of his life due to the divorce and says her son will be well taken care of. I guess I feel bad for the son and feel responsible. I have spent time with the boy and it is strange of the lack of bond as i have with my own children. Is this normal in there culture, with the whole picture.

She is a wonderful, warm and caring person, yet I could never leave my child behind.

Any input would greatly be appreciated....

Thanks

John

My experience is similar to yours.

 

After you get married,you'r wife will do what she wants about her son.

If she wants,SHE WILL DECIDE to bring her kid here or not.

 

My wife has taken up with a lesbian who adopts Chinese babies,and my wife thinks that lesbian friend is going to get her son here faster.

My wife needs to convince her ex-husband in China to give permission to let the boy go.

 

I dont concern how honest or nice this lady is.

No matter what she is telling you,once she gets to America ITS UP TO HER what to do about her Chinese child.

 

Also,IT DOES NOT MATTER that you like this child.

If she finds another way to get her kid over here YOUR FEELINGS are in the toilet.

B)

 

 

Toot, try not to be so negative to chinese women or man, you had your experience, others are different.

to chinese (as i'm sure to many western here wife is #1) you must commit totally, if you are "cheapskate" then you start badly. all of us no matter from where are judged by our actions.

this is a mixing of 2 cultures and families we all have much too learn. please dont generlise about others from your experiences, you shaped where you are now as much as she did/does.

remember life is like a movie, you are your character but the story is not yet told, you need to except and live though your negative, its your place now, but better not progect that others, it does you no good.

 

toot face your pain walk into it, except it and you come through it, self presevation is self denial which leads to much disharmony. Breath, meditate, accept.

 

sorry very off topic

 

on topic you are fine, family is family

Thanks Again everyone, even the negative.....

Her son will have a slim chance of coming here, but that is ok, what ever happens, happens. Her son lives with his father and grandparents, they have much money and the child has everything he could ever ask for. They live in a great house, go on vacations and what I see lives better then many american children.

He would of course always be included in our lives and in our home.

My only concern was my own feelings on leaving a child behind, yet I see our culture and the way others think it is just what it is.

To my fiancee, all she see's is that her son has a great life, and is very well taken care of. Of course we will be back to visit often.

Again to all of you thanks for all the input and help

John and SiYi

[lilac6451]

Hello all,

First I would like to say thanks to this site and all the great members, I hope all of our dreams come true and life will always be what we hoped.

My question is as follows: I have been seeing a wonderful woman in China, she is like no other and has given me hope that there are real people still in this world. The only thing that bpothers me is her Son. She is divorce and her ex has custody of her son. Her son is being raised by his Grandmother and is very well taken care of. She see's her son for short visits and the grandmother is very protective of the grandson.

We have talked in depth about her coming to USA if we are approved of course, and leaving her son behind. She feels left out of his life due to the divorce and says her son will be well taken care of. I guess I feel bad for the son and feel responsible. I have spent time with the boy and it is strange of the lack of bond as i have with my own children. Is this normal in there culture, with the whole picture.

She is a wonderful, warm and caring person, yet I could never leave my child behind.

Any input would greatly be appreciated....

Thanks

John

My experience is similar to yours.

 

After you get married,you'r wife will do what she wants about her son.

If she wants,SHE WILL DECIDE to bring her kid here or not.

 

My wife has taken up with a lesbian who adopts Chinese babies,and my wife thinks that lesbian friend is going to get her son here faster.

My wife needs to convince her ex-husband in China to give permission to let the boy go.

 

I dont concern how honest or nice this lady is.

No matter what she is telling you,once she gets to America ITS UP TO HER what to do about her Chinese child.

 

Also,IT DOES NOT MATTER that you like this child.

If she finds another way to get her kid over here YOUR FEELINGS are in the toilet.

 

 

Toot, try not to be so negative to chinese women or man, you had your experience, others are different.

to chinese (as i'm sure to many western here wife is #1) you must commit totally, if you are "cheapskate" then you start badly. all of us no matter from where are judged by our actions.

this is a mixing of 2 cultures and families we all have much too learn. please dont generlise about others from your experiences, you shaped where you are now as much as she did/does.

remember life is like a movie, you are your character but the story is not yet told, you need to except and live though your negative, its your place now, but better not progect that others, it does you no good.

 

toot face your pain walk into it, except it and you come through it, self presevation is self denial which leads to much disharmony. Breath, meditate, accept.

 

sorry very off topic

 

on topic you are fine, family is family

Thanks Again everyone, even the negative.....

Her son will have a slim chance of coming here, but that is ok, what ever happens, happens. Her son lives with his father and grandparents, they have much money and the child has everything he could ever ask for. They live in a great house, go on vacations and what I see lives better then many american children.

He would of course always be included in our lives and in our home.

My only concern was my own feelings on leaving a child behind, yet I see our culture and the way others think it is just what it is.

To my fiancee, all she see's is that her son has a great life, and is very well taken care of. Of course we will be back to visit often.

Again to all of you thanks for all the input and help

John and SiYi

 

 

Thanks for being nice and considerate, not everyone will worry about the stepson being leftover here, let along take him over to America.

 

No matter what your So did, is doing or will do, one thing you can be sure, she will always love and treasure her son....The only reason she didnt include her son into the trip to USA could be she wants the best for him right now... You know there are a lot of uncertainties here... the job, the environment, educational system, the language... Just be prepared: One day, when she and he are both ready, he might ask you to get him to USA.

[LeeFisher3]

Thanks Again everyone, even the negative.....

Her son will have a slim chance of coming here, but that is ok, what ever happens, happens. Her son lives with his father and grandparents, they have much money and the child has everything he could ever ask for. They live in a great house, go on vacations and what I see lives better then many american children.

He would of course always be included in our lives and in our home.

My only concern was my own feelings on leaving a child behind, yet I see our culture and the way others think it is just what it is.

To my fiancee, all she see's is that her son has a great life, and is very well taken care of. Of course we will be back to visit often.

Again to all of you thanks for all the input and help

John and SiYi

I have found that my wife accepts things she can not change and does not agonize over them, I'd imagine the same is true of your fianc¨¦e.

 

One thing to remember, if you are married before the child reaches the age of 18 he is considered the child of a US Citizen for immigration purposes which keeps the possibilities open.