Do I keep quiet or do I spill the beans?

[Dennis143]

My wife¡¯s 22yo niece, Jin, in Nanning, has been corresponding with two American men (Al and Kurt) through the help of her mother, my wife¡¯s sister, Yue.

 

Yue is the one who corresponds with these men, (through a translator service) not only for her daughter but for many Nanning women by pretending to be the woman whom these men think they are writing to, (sometimes using the woman¡¯s words, sometimes her own). Got it?

 

OK, Kurt visited Jin last year. Jin and Kurt fell in love and got married and their immigration application is in process today.

 

The other man, Al, doesn¡¯t know that Jin is married and he recently wrote to me saying that his flight to Nanning is all set for March 1st. Al¡¯s very excited about finally meeting Jin and wanted to know if I had any tips or information that I could give him about his visit and/or about China, as this is his first trip ever outside the US and, of course, he¡¯s a bit scared.

 

I tell my wife about the email from Al and ask her what the heck is going on? She tells me not to worry and not to say anything to Al. They (her sister and Jin) plan to introduce Al to Jin¡¯s cousin, Jie. Leiqin tells me that Jie is very beautiful and will make Al a much better wife than Jin, as Jie is more traditional and mature in taking care of the home. Jie (not Jin) will be meeting Al at the airport.

 

Anyway, Leiqin (my wife) says that they¡¯re not about to throw this catch back (my words) when there are so many women very eager to marry him. And, all¡¯s fair in love and war, and especially love (my interpretation).

 

Still, I don¡¯t like the dishonesty. It¡¯s not fair to Al or any man to be deceived like this. Yet, I can¡¯t seem to get that point through to my wife and her sister. The bigger picture is the end result of the common good (for both Al and Jie) is what¡¯s important, more important than any deception.

 

Personally, I believe my wife, and I think that Al will be getting the better of this deal even though he probably won¡¯t agree, initially. If my wife says that Jie is more beautiful and would make a better wife then I believe her (for whatever that¡¯s worth ). If it were me, knowing what I know now, I¡¯d be one excited man.

 

Yet, I wonder how this will go down with Al. Maybe, he¡¯ll be disappointed that he was set-up after getting his heart set on Jin. I suppose it will boil down to whether there¡¯s an attraction between he and Jie. If there isn¡¯t an attraction, he¡¯s probably going to be upset for being duped.

 

So, what should I do? One thought was to wait and spill the beans a day before his flight. Another is to just stay quiet and let the chips fall¡­

 

This still puts me in a delicate dilemma¡­my loyalty to my wife and her family vs. being honest and trying to explain all I know to Al.

 

How say you all?

[Richard & Li]

I would take the path of least resistance.

 

If you confide in Al (which is probably the purely ethical thing to do) the repercussion will be in your home.

 

If you don't confide in Al (which makes you a small part of the deception) Al may be upset (or, as you said, he may be very happy). Whichever: The repercussion will be, at worst, an angry email. You can always deny you knew anything about it if Al is really angry.

 

IMHO

[Batmaniac]

Hope you changed the names of Al and Kurt!

 

How can Al ever trust anyone in that family again assuming he figures it out. If it's all translator service stuff, then maybe he never would. But the whole thing is screwy IMO. I think I would never be so brave to meet someone who didn't speak English and we had to use a translator service. I'd just feel manipulated.

 

Maybe you should play dumb rather than risk souring the relationship with your wife?

[Randy W]

I say you need to tell him - no need to explain all you know - just tell him what he's facing.Traveling to China to meet someone is a major undertaking for anyone - the shock and confusion on his arrival won't do anyone any good.

[Richard & Li]

I say you need to tell him - no need to explain all you know - just tell him what he's facing.Traveling to China to meet someone is a major undertaking for anyone - the shock and confusion on his arrival won't do anyone any good.

 

If you wife told you something in confidence, would you shatter that trust to 'fill in' a stranger?

 

I think this situation is not fair to Al. No doubt about that. But, I think Dennis could damage his marriage by getting involved.

[Randy W]

I say you need to tell him - no need to explain all you know - just tell him what he's facing.Traveling to China to meet someone is a major undertaking for anyone - the shock and confusion on his arrival won't do anyone any good.

 

If you wife told you something in confidence, would you shatter that trust to 'fill in' a stranger?

 

I think this situation is not fair to Al. No doubt about that. But, I think Dennis could damage his marriage by getting involved.

 

 

 

The other man, Al, doesn¡¯t know that Jin is married and he recently wrote to me saying that his flight to Nanning is all set for March 1st. Al¡¯s very excited about finally meeting Jin :Dah.gif: and wanted to know if I had any tips or information that I could give him about his visit and/or about China, as this is his first trip ever outside the US and, of course, he¡¯s a bit scared.

 

He's not a stranger. Given the man's expectations, yes I think he owes it to him.

 

No, it won't damage their marriage (will it, Dennis?)

 

Anyway, I've said my piece.

[Richard & Li]

Al might not understand. He might feel like he's being treated like a 'piece of meat'.

 

Or, he might understand that a couple matriarchal women are trying their best to arrange a good life for a couple young women in their family.

 

As long as this is 'in the family', I can't put it into the category of 'pimping'. Nobody is trying to make a profit.

 

Life is tough in China. To an American, the actions of these women may be disturbing. But, I (and many others here) have spent enough time in China to have a modicum of understanding.

[Richard & Li]

Anyway, I've said my piece.

 

I guess, me too.

 

I don't agree with the situation. I think Al should know the truth.

 

But, I can empathize with these women. And, I could not break my wife's trust.

[Dennis143]

Would it damage my marriage? Not in the long run. Would it damage my relationship with her sister, her niece, her sister's husband? Yes, but they'd get over it. Do I care what Al thinks - more than what damage it would do to my relationship with my wife family and me? No.

 

The thing is, this happens all the time. There are men whose marriages today were deceived in the same manner. This deception is being played all over China. The end justifies the means to these women. And, the end is to have a good marriage with a good American man. My wife's sister has been doing this 'service' for years. And, my wife knows and talks many of these married women throughout the US today. Most all have good marriages except where some American husbands have turned out to be flakes.

 

Because Al was naive, is it my responsibility to clue him in (to what many of us who are more astute in the ways of Chinese women), so that I can rescue him? Should I risk that he might cancel his trip, lose his ticket money and the possibility of having a trip of a lifetime not to mention a potential future wife?

 

One thought that I've mulled over is to tell him (close to his leaving date) that Jin isn't all that she's made out to be. And, that the family feels that the cousin (still family), Jie, would be a better match. And, that don't be surprised if Jie greets him on arrival instead of Jin...

 

At least, that might prepare him.

 

 

 

BTW, yes all names here were changed.

[timb]

If I were Al, I would want to know the truth. If he shows up there and they try the bait and switch routine, he is likely to feel deceived. So much so, he might just turn right around and give up on the idea of Chinese woman.

[JimS.]

They see it as taking care of the Family and making a good life for all involved...Me to Al, "are you sure her name isn't Jie?"

[whutthapho]

Could you hold the beans forever, in the event Al & Jie marry? If not, then perhaps you should spill them now.

 

IMHO, the problem with holding the beans is that Al asked "you" if you had any tips...so by not spilling the beans, you're now part of the conspiracy.

[george lee]

dennis,

 

you must save face for your wife by not snitching. chinese people do not like a snitch within a family; especially among women, they will bad mouth you and wife forever. i would keep my mouth shut and play dumb.

[Wendy W]

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Edited January 16, 2009 by Wendy W (see edit history)

[Cathy]

Al deserves to know what is really going on with him. He emailed you and asked for your advice, so you are obligated to help him to realize his situation ASAP.

 

The thing is, this happens all the time.

Say, if there are 1000 criminals out there, it doesn't mean it is alright for you to become the 1001.

 

Should I risk that he might cancel his trip, lose his ticket money and the possibility of having a trip of a lifetime not to mention a potential future wife?

This will be a decision that he needs to make. If you tell him the truth ASAP and also introduce him to this CFL site, he would have plenty of time to think through and decide.

 

Do I like to be trapped? No. Do I trap others? No. Do I help anyone to get out of a trap? Yes. Truth always pleases me, no matter how harsh it is.

 

MHO.