BIG problems with Little Chinese Wife

[ameriken]

Tell me people. Is $200 sufficient??? Am I lowballing here???? I have had no one make a comment on this.

Drew.....before anyone can answer if $200 is sufficient, what exactly are you buying?

 

Think about that.

[IllinoisDave]

Sometimes, especially in our Sino-American relatinships, it's tough to know whether someone's concerns about money are due to being a goldigger or just being careful/frugal. I have to say that your descriptions so far don't point to the latter.

 

It is even more tough to know when to cut the cord and I would never tell anyone when that time is. It's just something you have to figure out yourself. It sounds like you've taken some steps to find out if you're there. Good for you.

 

As others have pointed out, you've got a helluva lot going for you. Your relatively young age, your new salary and promising career that allows travel to Asia? Man, I'm a little jealous.

 

Without telling what to do, I'll just say that you should weigh ALL options carefully and not rush into your decision as quickly as you may have rushed into the marriage.

 

Best of luck. B)

[Jay & Ping]

She would not let me pay for anything. She made me feel relaxed and comfortable in an alien environment. The point is, she went out of her way to be with me, to see that I was comfortable, and to learn about me.

 

What a great story Jay, I enjoyed reading that, and I certainly can ditto everything you said.

 

When I planned my first trip to meet her, she was trying to get time off from work. She wasn't sure she would get it. I told her it's ok, I can see her after work and on the weekend.

 

She told me "If they don't give me the time, I'll quit. I am not going to leave you stranded in Shanghai by yourself".

 

When I got there, she did the same thing with the money...was trying to pay for everything. Before I left, I was going to meet her whole family, mom, dad, aunts, uncles, etc (which is also a good sign). She said we would go to a restaurant, and that it was customary for the man to pay for everyone. Now, some men in that situation may think 'here goes Mr Moneybags, being the banker and paying for everything'.

 

I had no problem paying for it, but then she did the most amazing thing. You see, she had spent all of her remaining income on me during that trip. When we planned the restaurant dinner, it also turned out to be her monthly payday. She went to an ATM to see if the pay was deposited. It was......and she withdrew every penny, uh, RMB, and handed all the cash to me, and told me to use it for the dinner. She didnt want me paying for her family.

 

Like everything else she spent money on during that trip, I too had to fight with her over it, telling her I can cover it, and she refused to accept it.

 

The moral of the story......when a woman is truly looking for a relationship and falls in love with a man.......she will overcome all the obstacles, and will be a giver, not a taker.

Sacrifice is good, but quitting your job is too much to ask. Sounds like you found middle ground. I was able to pay for our first dinner with family. I asked for her to arrange the dinner and told her I wanted to treat. 14 people, private room, 4 huge beers. She very shyly showed me the bill under the table - you ok? I was breathless. I looked at the bill and said WOW! I was shocked $72. She froze - poor dear. She didn't realize what a great deal I thought it was. Anyway - back on topic. When I say I'm going to pay, I pay all. If I misunderstood, well live and learn. She does the same. No surprises. I met a German man that met a "lovely girl" bought her a chicken dinner - 550RMB. Should have been less than 100RMB. Evidently she gets a kickback from the owner. Live and learn. I see in Drew's comments many indications of such. A Chinese woman won't haggle! Wow! I can't imagine.

Drew, don't beat yourself up. It's what you do now that counts.

Edited January 27, 2008 by Jay & Ping (see edit history)

[ameriken]

She would not let me pay for anything. She made me feel relaxed and comfortable in an alien environment. The point is, she went out of her way to be with me, to see that I was comfortable, and to learn about me.

 

What a great story Jay, I enjoyed reading that, and I certainly can ditto everything you said.

 

When I planned my first trip to meet her, she was trying to get time off from work. She wasn't sure she would get it. I told her it's ok, I can see her after work and on the weekend.

 

She told me "If they don't give me the time, I'll quit. I am not going to leave you stranded in Shanghai by yourself".

 

When I got there, she did the same thing with the money...was trying to pay for everything. Before I left, I was going to meet her whole family, mom, dad, aunts, uncles, etc (which is also a good sign). She said we would go to a restaurant, and that it was customary for the man to pay for everyone. Now, some men in that situation may think 'here goes Mr Moneybags, being the banker and paying for everything'.

 

I had no problem paying for it, but then she did the most amazing thing. You see, she had spent all of her remaining income on me during that trip. When we planned the restaurant dinner, it also turned out to be her monthly payday. She went to an ATM to see if the pay was deposited. It was......and she withdrew every penny, uh, RMB, and handed all the cash to me, and told me to use it for the dinner. She didnt want me paying for her family.

 

Like everything else she spent money on during that trip, I too had to fight with her over it, telling her I can cover it, and she refused to accept it.

 

The moral of the story......when a woman is truly looking for a relationship and falls in love with a man.......she will overcome all the obstacles, and will be a giver, not a taker.

Sacrifice is good, but quitting your job is too much to ask. Sounds like you found middle ground. I was able to pay for our first dinner with family. I asked for her to arrange the dinner and told her I wanted to treat. 14 people, private room, 4 huge beers. She very shyly showed me the bill under the table - you ok? I was breathless. I looked at the bill and said WOW! I was shocked $72. She froze - poor dear. She didn't realize what a great deal I thought it was. Anyway - back on topic. When I say I'm going to pay, I pay all. If I misunderstood, well live and learn. She does the same. No surprises. I met a German man that met a "lovely girl" bought her a chicken dinner - 550RMB. Should have been less than 100RMB. Evidently she gets a kickback from the owner. Live and learn. I see in Drew's comments many indications of such. A Chinese woman won't haggle! Wow! I can't imagine.

Drew, don't beat yourself up. It's what you do now that counts.

She didnt have to quit......she got the time off! It's just the willingness I am speaking of.

 

BTW, we had a similar dinner.....13 people, 4 beers, etc. I was floored at the bill!

[ameriken]

Sometimes, especially in our Sino-American relatinships, it's tough to know whether someone's concerns about money are due to being a goldigger or just being careful/frugal. I have to say that your descriptions so far don't point to the latter.

Careful and frugal in a relationship will not result in not answering the phone, calling you small, hanging up on you, and all the other things mentioned.

 

Speaking of relationship, the one thing in all of this I have not heard from you Drew.....is how is your relationship?

 

How does she show you that she loves you and will stick by your side no matter what happens in the future?

Edited January 27, 2008 by ameriken (see edit history)

[Jay & Ping]

Tell me people. Is $200 sufficient??? Am I lowballing here???? I have had no one make a comment on this.

You are referring to the monthly stipen... Don't budge. You know what's reasonable. Tell her it's 200. You said yourself, she has to learn the value of money. You've already committed to that. Now, if you decide to divorce, the cuttoff is harder to determine. Personally I would pay that amount until the divorce was finalized. I don't know how comfortable you are paying that. You have expenses. Pick a cuttoff date or trigger (when she signs, or when it's filed) then cut it off. Be careful. If you say I will cut you off when you sign - she may stall. Perhaps 6 months after YOU file would be better. Then you can tell her up front and be civil about it. Make no new money commitments. Honor the ones you've made.

[Drew]

She tried to tell me her mother gives her $375 to $400 each month and would stop giving her this when married.

 

I ask again. Those that know Chinese culture.

 

What do you think? Full of it?

 

She already told me that the 45 yr old woman she knows married to a 55 yr old american gets $700. I see this figure half of that.

 

I think it's a bluff.

 

Though, age 24, she has a $25,000 Hyundai Coupe and seemed to think nothing of money.

 

But they live in what I call a dive. Here in the U.S., her living conditions are the equivalent of "slumming" here.

 

If I lived that way, like driving a Beamer and living in a mobile home, money sent to her of this much would be no problem. No real investments and obviously no real planning for the future.

 

So.... is $200 lowballing? Those that support their wives ... how much is the norm?

[Shenzhen K-1]

She tried to tell me her mother gives her $375 to $400 each month and would stop giving her this when married.

 

I ask again. Those that know Chinese culture.

 

What do you think? Full of it?

 

She already told me that the 45 yr old woman she knows married to a 55 yr old american gets $700. I see this figure half of that.

 

I think it's a bluff.

 

Though, age 24, she has a $25,000 Hyundai Coupe and seemed to think nothing of money.

 

But they live in what I call a dive. Here in the U.S., her living conditions are the equivalent of "slumming" here.

 

If I lived that way, like driving a Beamer and living in a mobile home, money sent to her of this much would be no problem. No real investments and obviously no real planning for the future.

 

So.... is $200 lowballing? Those that support their wives ... how much is the norm?

 

If that is what works for you then stick to your guns!!

 

I give more then that, but we moved daughter to a special high school and extra English classes on the weekend which I agreed to pay for!!

 

So tell her this is what I can afford for now............

[Drew]

What is the typical cost of English school?

 

She lives in Henan Province in a city near Zhengzhou.

 

Can someone give me a clue?

 

Thanks!

[ameriken]

Drew, are you convinced this is the 'woman of your dreams'? Is this what you want for your life?

 

I ask again: the one thing in all of this I have not heard from you Drew.....is how is your relationship?

 

How does she show you that she loves you and will stick by your side no matter what happens in the future?

 

Can you answer those questions?

[chilton747]

Drew, are you convinced this is the 'woman of your dreams'? Is this what you want for your life?

 

I ask again: the one thing in all of this I have not heard from you Drew.....is how is your relationship?

 

How does she show you that she loves you and will stick by your side no matter what happens in the future?

 

Can you answer those questions?

 

Exactly Ken and a house full of suspicion cannot harbor a loving relationship!

[Drew]

Actually.... to answer the question about sticking by my side no matter what happens..... she is not meeting that requirement by any means.

 

She is using silence like a weapon to get something from me that she will find will never exceed what I have now provided her.

 

If this is what I would have to deal with on a daily basis.... give me a heated argument ANY DAY!! I FAR prefer conflict because at least conflict gets resolved.

 

No conflict ... i.e. No words.... go nowhere... It's called COLD WAR and is known to go on for years and years without resolve.

 

So.... I am going to give this a last shot regardless and see if she comes to her senses.

 

What I REALLY REALLY WISH is that someone could talk with her MOTHER and tell me in HER words what the heck!! And if her MOTHER is the reason for the issues at hand... then I really need to stop everything. This means she has a greedy mother as well. I can't overcome that.

[ameriken]

Drew, I dont think talking to her mother is the right thing to do.

 

This is between you and your wife. If your wife doesnt want the interference of her mother, she will stop it.

 

IMO, for right now, why dont YOU go silent? If she wants the 'cold war', then give it to her.

 

Go cold and silent. Walking away (silence) may be the only way to break this pattern and find out the truth. It seems there is a control pattern going on...she pushes the button and you respond with money.

 

However, if you walk, she loses all control, loses all the money, and cant play the game anymore.

 

If she truly loves you, this is when she will realize what she lost and she will try to get you back....only money will not be as much of an issue. And you have to stand your ground of not being a bank.

 

If it were me (and I've been there) I'd start off by leaving her a message or email that that the games are finished. I am not a bank, I want a marital relationship, not a financial one. Now, it is my decision whether I will continue with the visa and this relationship, or dump her and find someone who will not treat me like a bank. Be strong and firm about it.

 

Let her stew, and let HER break the silence. Then, and only then, will you learn the truth as to whether she loves you or not. If she doesnt break the silence, then you also know the truth and you can continue to move on with your life.

 

Your other choice is to keep playing this game with her. Go ahead, be an ATM and punch out $20's, keep being 'small', let her measure you against all other men. Why not save yourself time, and send her everything you have right now, instead of waiting until another year or two when you are fed up, tired, broke, and divorced.

[ameriken]

So.... I am going to give this a last shot regardless and see if she comes to her senses.

What does 'last shot' mean? What's your plan?

 

To keep sending hundreds of dollars to see if she suddenly does an about-face and becomes totally uninterested in any more money? You really think she'll do that if you keep sending it?

 

As I said, I would walk and not send a penny. My 'last shot' would be dead silence, and I would use the time to seriously consider ending the relationship. The ball would be in HER court to convince me why I should stay married to her.

[chilton747]

So.... I am going to give this a last shot regardless and see if she comes to her senses.

What does 'last shot' mean? What's your plan?

 

To keep sending hundreds of dollars to see if she suddenly does an about-face and becomes totally uninterested in any more money? You really think she'll do that if you keep sending it?

 

As I said, I would walk and not send a penny. My 'last shot' would be dead silence, and I would use the time to seriously consider ending the relationship. The ball would be in HER court to convince me why I should stay married to her.

 

 

And there you have it. It's $200 or nothing!!!