BIG problems with Little Chinese Wife

[Drew]

I have been having problems with my wife since we married Sept 7, 2007.

 

Within a few weeks of my return, she suddenly loses her phone and communications grind to a halt when she wants me to send her $400 for a new phone?!? I was in the process of moving half-way across the country here in the U.S. EXACTLY with her timing, just came back, was stretched on my budget finances... I bought her a NEW Motorola for $100 ready to send to her. She didn't seem enthused to receive and we had problems.

 

Several months of limited communications with her telling me I could not take care of her?!?

 

I am having alot of difficulties with this and have tried to explain the finance situation. 2 houses, moved, trip/marriage costs... so many things to look at. I'm an engineer making about $70,000. Just started my job, expect to get a bonus this spring after my 1st year review (I just started basically), waiting to sell my 1st house and jumped the gun buying a 2nd.... still paying back my education loans (how do you get a job without paying for your education??)... the list goes on and on.

 

My finances are tight at ths time but steadily stabilizing. Once I sell my 1st house, I expect to clear about $60,000 on that alone. Buying my 2nd house required me of course to make a large downpayment and I did this BEFORE I was married. Married in September 2007. Purchased house August 1, 2007. I had enough to buy a nice ring for $3500, fly over there, spend money to be married cost me around $8,000 if I recall.

 

She unfortunately seems to be comparing me to a person she knows that is 45 married to a man 55 who works in Saudi Arabia in the oil fields and travls back to china to live with his wife. He gives her $700 each month! Pays no taxes because he is an ex-patriat and is supporting a roof over his head and food on the table on 30 day rotations for his work. COMPLETELY ABSOLUTELY NO COMPARISON to myself.... except my new job deals with an oil services company coincidentally..... but I am 35.... not 55... gaining experience and working my way up the ladder. Paying bills and making ends meet as rapidly as possible.

 

My financial situation is rather good to be honest. I have budgeted $200 per month to place in a bank account for her to draw on. For her province this is very good money. For her status, 24 and no job living with her mother... this is FREE money and should be sufficient.

 

A man I spoke with told me he was sending his wife $325 to support her going to English school, her daughter in college, pay for her food and her own apartment!! $200 for my wife and freeing up my resources to pay for her visa, plane tickets, pay off loans while I am establishing myself in a new community..... all preparation for her arrival.

 

I have tried to explain this, sent my bank documents to her with the ATM card (which unfortunately from what I understand she cannot get to work at the moment, I gave her the passcode again and told her to try a few ATM machines)...... the issue keeps coming around.... she thinks I do not make enough to take care of her?!?!!!??

 

I KNOW my income is sufficient. I am extremely responsible with my finances. I do not go out to the bars like I was when I was young. I have been paying back everything to the banks as quickly as possible and waiting for my 1st house to sell. I do NOT want to provide her funds to be going out the bars or other things either. I think $200 is sufficient. I lived and worked in China in 2005.

 

I don't know what to think. She has given me such trouble. Not answering the phone so many times, no responding to my text messages..... told me this morning that I was "small" and hung up the phone on me when I told her I was placing $200 each month into the account that I provided her for the bank card.

 

I was going to put more money into the account also today in anticipation of her using the funds to purchase tickets to meet me in Shanghai in March. I just bought that ticket a few weeks ago and have been trying to make preparations for my arrival with her. She has been doing nothing but stalling.....

 

I hate to say.... but my experience with Chinese women at this point is absolutely horrific. The first one wanted to use me for access to our country...... kicked her to the curb. Now the one that I thought was for real.... only seems to want money and not a relationship. I have tried to explain, explain, explain.... she thinks I don't make enough to be married with $70,000 income??? I have a degree, moving up in my career field, and know that within the next 5 or 7 years I should be in the $100,000 range!!!

 

What should I do about this? I have received my I-130 receipt and now sent off the I-129F. I thought I had things back on track ... but then her behavior is disheartening.

 

If I want to buy a woman.... I will go to the local strip club. NOT be treated like an ass with OUR finances ignored and expected to simply pay up or no talk......

 

What should I do about a chinese woman playing this game with me???????????

[IllinoisDave]

I have been having problems with my wife since we married Sept 7, 2007.

 

Within a few weeks of my return, she suddenly loses her phone and communications grind to a halt when she wants me to send her $400 for a new phone?!? I was in the process of moving half-way across the country here in the U.S. EXACTLY with her timing, just came back, was stretched on my budget finances... I bought her a NEW Motorola for $100 ready to send to her. She didn't seem enthused to receive and we had problems.

 

Several months of limited communications with her telling me I could not take care of her?!?

 

I am having alot of difficulties with this and have tried to explain the finance situation. 2 houses, moved, trip/marriage costs... so many things to look at. I'm an engineer making about $70,000. Just started my job, expect to get a bonus this spring after my 1st year review (I just started basically), waiting to sell my 1st house and jumped the gun buying a 2nd.... still paying back my education loans (how do you get a job without paying for your education??)... the list goes on and on.

 

My finances are tight at ths time but steadily stabilizing. Once I sell my 1st house, I expect to clear about $60,000 on that alone. Buying my 2nd house required me of course to make a large downpayment and I did this BEFORE I was married. Married in September 2007. Purchased house August 1, 2007. I had enough to buy a nice ring for $3500, fly over there, spend money to be married cost me around $8,000 if I recall.

 

She unfortunately seems to be comparing me to a person she knows that is 45 married to a man 55 who works in Saudi Arabia in the oil fields and travls back to china to live with his wife. He gives her $700 each month! Pays no taxes because he is an ex-patriat and is supporting a roof over his head and food on the table on 30 day rotations for his work. COMPLETELY ABSOLUTELY NO COMPARISON to myself.... except my new job deals with an oil services company coincidentally..... but I am 35.... not 55... gaining experience and working my way up the ladder. Paying bills and making ends meet as rapidly as possible.

 

My financial situation is rather good to be honest. I have budgeted $200 per month to place in a bank account for her to draw on. For her province this is very good money. For her status, 24 and no job living with her mother... this is FREE money and should be sufficient.

 

A man I spoke with told me he was sending his wife $325 to support her going to English school, her daughter in college, pay for her food and her own apartment!! $200 for my wife and freeing up my resources to pay for her visa, plane tickets, pay off loans while I am establishing myself in a new community..... all preparation for her arrival.

 

I have tried to explain this, sent my bank documents to her with the ATM card (which unfortunately from what I understand she cannot get to work at the moment, I gave her the passcode again and told her to try a few ATM machines)...... the issue keeps coming around.... she thinks I do not make enough to take care of her?!?!!!??

 

I KNOW my income is sufficient. I am extremely responsible with my finances. I do not go out to the bars like I was when I was young. I have been paying back everything to the banks as quickly as possible and waiting for my 1st house to sell. I do NOT want to provide her funds to be going out the bars or other things either. I think $200 is sufficient. I lived and worked in China in 2005.

 

I don't know what to think. She has given me such trouble. Not answering the phone so many times, no responding to my text messages..... told me this morning that I was "small" and hung up the phone on me when I told her I was placing $200 each month into the account that I provided her for the bank card.

 

I was going to put more money into the account also today in anticipation of her using the funds to purchase tickets to meet me in Shanghai in March. I just bought that ticket a few weeks ago and have been trying to make preparations for my arrival with her. She has been doing nothing but stalling.....

 

I hate to say.... but my experience with Chinese women at this point is absolutely horrific. The first one wanted to use me for access to our country...... kicked her to the curb. Now the one that I thought was for real.... only seems to want money and not a relationship. I have tried to explain, explain, explain.... she thinks I don't make enough to be married with $70,000 income??? I have a degree, moving up in my career field, and know that within the next 5 or 7 years I should be in the $100,000 range!!!

 

What should I do about this? I have received my I-130 receipt and now sent off the I-129F. I thought I had things back on track ... but then her behavior is disheartening.

 

If I want to buy a woman.... I will go to the local strip club. NOT be treated like an ass with OUR finances ignored and expected to simply pay up or no talk......

 

What should I do about a chinese woman playing this game with me???????????

If you really think she's playing a game with you, then I think you've pretty much answered your own question no?

 

I'll be honest with my opinion. As I read your post I was thinking that she sounded pretty immature. Then when I saw her age it made sense. I'm sure there are plenty of very mature 24 year olds in China. She doesn't sound like one of them. Sorry.

[chilton747]

I have learned that if a woman desires a true relationship then she will overcome all obstacles, especially money.

[Dennis143]

Only YOU know what YOU can or should do, Drew. Nobody here is going to GIVE you an answer to YOUR problem. Only YOU can do that.

 

If you want validation of your point, you have it from me.

 

Tough stuff, indeed. BTW, it's no secret that many young, only-child girls (and boys) are very spoiled. Many young women look for either a rich Chinese husband or to marry a west man. I am not saying this is your wife, only you can decide if that is the case.

 

All the best...

[Shenzhen K-1]

I have learned that if a woman desires a true relationship then she will overcome all obstacles, especially money.

 

Great thoughts and Chinese women especially!!

[chilton747]

I have learned that if a woman desires a true relationship then she will overcome all obstacles, especially money.

 

Great thoughts and Chinese women especially!!

You read my mind.

Edited January 27, 2008 by chilton747 (see edit history)

[Guest knloregon]

Drew,

 

I read your post, and what struck me is that it is almost entirely absorbed with issues of materialism and money---not really problems of communication or understanding---by your own account, she seems pretty sure what it is that she wants.

 

You are the one who knows her, but as an outsider looking in, I'm not seeing the attraction---perhaps she's too young to marry? Perhaps her expectations of you were based on some representation of wealth on your part that she had reason to expect would come to fruition?

 

You seem like a "good catch" by Chinese standards; professional, hard working, stable, good future... Hard for to understand.. you have (or had) a meaningful, emotional, intellectual, eye-to-eye relationship with this young woman at some point?

[tonado]

That is one reason doing a K1 is better. Once you are married, of course she expects more of you. You are financially better than a lot of people. Hopefully, she doesn't demand more money when she is here.

[Guest Tony n Terrific]

It sounds like from your past posts that you and your wife have had many disagreements on money. Send $400 dollars for cell phone? She is not to enthused about it. You can not eat or party on a cell phone but in China you can on $400 cash. You have some serious thinking to do with your relationship here. Do you two wish to have a family? Or is your wife looking for a meal ticket?

Edited January 27, 2008 by Tony n Terrific (see edit history)

[Joanne]

If there is no misunderstanding from your side, you better run.

 

I know this is hard. You need some one who not only share your success but also can go through life's obstacles with you! Good luck!

[ameriken]

I have been having problems with my wife since we married Sept 7, 2007.

 

Within a few weeks of my return, she suddenly loses her phone and communications grind to a halt when she wants me to send her $400 for a new phone?!?

 

She didn't seem enthused to receive and we had problems.

 

Several months of limited communications with her telling me I could not take care of her?!?

 

She unfortunately seems to be comparing me to a person she knows

 

the issue keeps coming around

 

She has given me such trouble.

 

Not answering the phone so many times, no responding to my text messages.....

 

told me this morning that I was "small" and hung up the phone on me

 

She has been doing nothing but stalling.....

 

only seems to want money and not a relationship.

 

her behavior is disheartening.

 

What should I do about a chinese woman playing this game with me???????????

I isolated all the important phrases you are saying about her. Based on those, I am probably out of there, especially if I feel the relationship aspect is dead.

 

I know its tough because you've already married and spent a fortune, but if she is focused on money money money, it's time to stop being a banker.

 

If she cant handle that, then I think you're already on the right track as to what to do.

 

You mentioned she is 'comparing' you to other husbands......my wife has had the occasion to speak with a couple of other Chinese wives, and she is shocked to hear them talk about their husbands and 'rate' them as if they were commodities.

 

Chilton said it best......if a woman is truly in it for the relationship and love, and not for money, she will overcome.

 

You might want to confront her on the issue, tell her you are stopping the process, and go from there.......

Edited January 27, 2008 by ameriken (see edit history)

[Drew]

I try to call call call. Her cell phone will not ring?? It is just dead silence?

 

I call her mother's house. Her mother answered once... then hung up the phone when I asked my wife's name. Said nothing.

 

I think this has come to a head for me. 1 month ago she played this game also when I had a ticket to come Christmas. She would not help me make plane arrangements then either. Now I make plane tickets for March... and still this.....

 

I guess this is the end of the line for me as of today. I know what everyone is telling me.

 

I am currently out $8,000 between the ring, plane tickets, wedding photos, hotels, transportation, etc.

 

I could be out a lot more.

 

I married in China, so I guess just let her sit and stew for the 2 year mandate and allow her to go in for her own divorce if she insists. I don't care anymore. I have had it.

 

My mind, energy, efforts.... for what??? A girl that just expects a paycheck and won't involve herself in a relationship?

 

If she does not come to her senses and arrange to meet with me in March, then this will all be the end result. I will walk away and put this behind me.

 

The question I have for anyone is, since I am married legally, filed my I-130 and have invested what I have to date.... do I file married on my income taxes if I am going to end up divorced anyway? I do not fully comprehend the situation I am in because I NEVER anticipated this!

 

I will give this thru March like I stated... then cut it all off. Communication, efforts, emotions, etc.

 

What's messed up is every girl has done this to me... then wants back!!! I have a girlfriend from 7 years ago trying to get back with me for the past 4 years. I won't allow her but she keeps trying.

 

My ex from China also treated me so badly then wanted to fix things. She showed up pregnant with another man's child trying to pass off as mine. That was a nightmare. Then expected me to forget everything she did wrong and allow her back.

 

Several others in my past .... same situation. They always think the grass is greener on the other side.... then realize they lost a guy that actually cared about them.

[ameriken]

If there is no misunderstanding from your side, you better run.

 

I know this is hard. You need some one who not only share your success but also can go through life's obstacles with you! Good luck!

Joanne, I hope your husband appreciates how good a catch you are!!!

[Joanne]

If there is no misunderstanding from your side, you better run.

 

I know this is hard. You need some one who not only share your success but also can go through life's obstacles with you! Good luck!

Joanne, I hope your husband appreciates how good a catch you are!!! B)

 

He set me straight, when my affection to him was still fresh.

[ameriken]

Drew, I believe you can claim yourself as married, since you legally were, but I am not sure if you can claim her as a dependent yet. Gotta check with an accountant on that.

 

As for cutting things off, if it were me, I'd probably cut off the money right away, and then wait to see how things go in March. My guess is the trouble you have now will be the same trouble you have later.