Dramatic change: wife and child at 56 after 23 single years

[griz326]

I was last divorced 23 years ago and am now 56. Being alone is fine but sleeping alone without the comfort of a loyal and loving mate is another matter.

 

For the last 6 years I have looked high and low for a life partner and finally found my gal. Overall, I believe we have an excellent chance of making it together.

 

During the first week of my hunting trip I could only think about the joys of showing my gal and her daughter the wonders of Montana.

 

During the second week of my hunting trip I became concerned with how having a wife and a daughter will dramatically change my life.

 

Everything will change: disposable income; new responsibilities; loss of "do as I damned well please" freedom; delayed retirement; and so on and so on. (BTW - I stopped wolfing around many years ago. )

 

...and another huge concern is that by the time I get my sweetheart and her daughter here, my savings will be severely reduced.

 

I am certain that I do not want to spend the rest of my life without a mate, but the amount of change being married will bring is frightening to a guy who has been single for so many years.

 

 

I know my gal and her daughter also face dramatic changes - however - their changes are irrelevant with regards to the point of this post. Did any of you experience the "dramatic change revelation" moment? If so, how did you reason your way through it?

[jim_julian]

Not exactly the same situation but I'm sometimes amazed by the financial costs.

 

As some know, I've still not achieved financial settlement with my ex but so far it's cost me about half of my Navy retirement, about $500K from another retirement program, freezing access to virtually all investments including my equity in the very expensive home she's living in, plus $5000 per month ... and no final settlement in sight.

 

Bottom line: Well worth the cost. My life has totally changed and once again I'm a happy man ... there's no price on that!

[PhoenixRising]

Being in singledom for as long as you have been. You may wish to take a refresher course in Pre-Cannae on how not to so independent. I was divorced for many years also before getting remarried. The second marriage I had ended in a divorce also. When I was married the second time I was not use to having anyone around me. I had alot of test drives before her but like you I just could not find the right model or they did not want me as a customer. I made a number of mistakes in my second marriage with my new wife. I regret these errors now.

Allow her do to do things with you and for you. Show her that she is the most important person in your World. If she likes take her and her daughter camping with you. Show them the last of the great American Cowboy land and tell her everyday how much you love her and that you are so thankful you have a family again. That is priceless.

I found a wonderful lady in China and I am determined not to make the same errors again.

[Shenzhen K-1]

Being in singledom for as long as you have been. You may wish to take a refresher course in Pre-Cannae on how not to so independent. I was divorced for many years also before getting remarried. The second marriage I had ended in a divorce also. When I was married the second time I was not use to having anyone around me. I had alot of test drives before her but like you I just could not find the right model or they did not want me as a customer. I made a number of mistakes in my second marriage with my new wife. I regret these errors now.

Allow her do to do things with you and for you. Show her that she is the most important person in your World. If she likes take her and her daughter camping with you. Show them the last of the great American Cowboy land and tell her everyday how much you love her and that you are so thankful you have a family again. That is priceless.

I found a wonderful lady in China and I am determined not to make the same errors again.

 

Interesting thoughts so far??????????

 

Not quite as old and not single nearly as long, but it will be a change!! I have a life of season to season sports and very active with two athletic sons. I do not do what I want but do live a very different life then most my age for sure. I knew life was changed forever my first trip to China, and never looked back. I have never been happier then now and can not wait to spend the rest of my life with my two girls!

 

Never counted on the expense either, worry later I guess!!

[Dennis143]

I wasn't that far off from where you're coming from. Well, at least the marriage part, as I hadn't been officially married for ~21 years, but had live-ins...Those count, but I was pretty set in my ways and enjoyed my freedom too...

 

Anyway, a few thoughts...

 

Always remember IT IS NOW HER HOME TOO. Those old ways and order of doing and having things may or will become a thing of the past. Give in early and give in often. Don't lay down rules!!!

 

Shed your old skin and start wearing the new, married with children skin.

 

Don't look back to yesterday, but only look forward to tomorrow. Your path is now a future with a loyal, loving companion - no, not a dog - she won't lick your face and sleep at your feet, but she'll nurse you back to health when you are sick, she'll feed the correct foods and nourishment, she'll be someone whose only thoughts are the welfare of you and her child, someone who you know that from here until you leave this earth will always be by your side, someone who will mourn your passing no less than your own mother would have.

 

It is your obligation to be all that you can be for her. No sacrifice is too big. No amount of money is too much, when it comes to your new families welfare.

 

It took me some time to shed my old skin, but when I did, my life only became richer from it.

Edited November 16, 2007 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[pkfops]

Don't worry too much about money.

 

A Chinese wife's job is to run the house;

they do a very good job at it.

 

I won't say more; just enjoy the ride.

[Shenzhen K-1]

I wasn't that far off from where you're coming from. Well, at least the marriage part, as I hadn't been officially married for ~21 years, but had live-ins...Those count, but I was pretty set in my ways and enjoyed my freedom too...

 

Anyway, a few thoughts...

 

Always remember IT IS NOW HER HOME TOO. Those old ways and order of doing and having things may or will become a thing of the past. Give in early and give in often. Don't lay down rules!!!

 

Shed your old skin and start wearing the new, married with children skin.

 

Don't look back to yesterday, but only look forward to tomorrow. Your path is now a future with a loyal, loving companion - no, not a dog - she won't lick your face and sleep at your feet, but she'll nurse you back to health when you are sick, she'll feed the correct foods and nourishment, she'll be someone whose only thoughts are the welfare of you and her child, someone who you know that from here until you leave this earth will always be by your side, someone who will mourn your passing no less than your own mother would have.

 

It is your obligation to be all that you can be for her. No sacrifice is too big. No amount of money is too much, when it comes to your new families welfare.

 

It took me some time to shed my old skin, but when I did, my life only became richer from it.

 

Dennis very nice post and thoughts, first time I got a little choked up on CFL!

[Dennis143]

I am torn by posts like this.

 

Dennis has given you all the encouraging words that you should need, and I agree with his comments.

 

My comments, though, come from the other direction. I think that you should be sure that it is what you really want before you venture further down this road.

 

I have seen too many situations where there are regrets by both the male and the female, because we all have a tendency to discount the potential problems and believe that everything will work out fine. It isn't fair to you or to her to bring her here if you have serious doubts about whether this will be a successful union.

Amen to that, brother Lee.

 

But, once you've made that choice and total commitment...I refer you back to my post.

 

Trouble is, sometimes, some feel they have so much time, money and emotions invested during the long wait that it is rather difficult to not try and see it through fruition. Even at the expense of ignoring those red flags that would be a blatant glare had not so much been invested.

 

Pinning hopes on what could be a very difficult and risky venture...well, it's not for everyone.

[carl.hops]

I know kids are expensive, but I think she will be good with keeping the spendatures to a minimum if shes anything like my lady! I have many nick names for her, cheapo is one of em.

 

As for the reasoning bit, it seems you already made a reason, to not be alone! Its worth it. especially if you know you love her and visa versa.

[griz326]

I am not concerned about the sincerity of my feelings for my gal - and I am not concerned about her sincerity.

 

I am concerned about the extreme level of change to my life and my ability to handle that much change.

 

Perhaps this is just a normal part of the thought process in making a serious, life changing commitment. ...especially in the mind of a worry wart perfectionist.

[chilton747]

I am not concerned about the sincerity of my feelings for my gal - and I am not concerned about her sincerity.

 

I am concerned about the extreme level of change to my life and my ability to handle that much change.

 

Perhaps this is just a normal part of the thought process in making a serious, life changing commitment. ...especially in the mind of a worry wart perfectionist.

 

 

Hey man I did it once before. It's not too bad

[Aussie in love]

Don't worry too much about money.

 

A Chinese wife's job is to run the house;

they do a very good job at it.

 

I won't say more; just enjoy the ride.

 

Beware - Disclaimer

Every situation / relationship is different.

 

I agree totally. We are spending less now that when I was living alone. We prefer to stay home, Jane MUST hunt out the bargains. She always cooks. Tax relief (in AU) is more generous for couples (especially if one is a student).

 

BUT if you you are doubting whether to commit or not, do not until you are totally comfortable.

[Urkidding]

I was like you ¨C same situation ¨C Single for 10 years and dating a lot of Asian girls in my backyard¡­until I found my soul mate.

 

But let¡¯s put thing into perspective¡­

 

You go to the store and buy frozen dinners ¨C Instant Dinners Right!

 

You go to a drive thru and get your food - Fast Food!

 

You correspond with a Chinese Women for 12-15 months and get ¨C Instant Family!

 

At this age in your life, you need someone to take care of you!

 

In return you will get a feeling inside you that no one and I mean no one can buy! And you will exchange some of the greatest joys for memories that will last you a lifetime. This women (who puts all her trust in you) will overshadow you with Love, Joy, Happiness, and all other kinds of emoticons that you could never repay her with. You also will gain a daughter who will make you cry at times with joy seeing her excitement and happiness through her eyes.

 

Ya, you can still have your own fun, but remember what they will be giving you is priceless¡­

[jim_julian]

 

Interesting thoughts so far??????????

 

Not quite as old and not single nearly as long, but it will be a change!! I have a life of season to season sports and very active with two athletic sons. I do not do what I want but do live a very different life then most my age for sure. I knew life was changed forever my first trip to China, and never looked back. I have never been happier then now and can not wait to spend the rest of my life with my two girls!

 

Never counted on the expense either, worry later I guess!!

 

You may be surprised at how the girls like sports if they are anything like my two. They both watch football and basketball. Our daughter also likes hockey and every now and then watches a soccer match (by herself, I might add).

[Shenzhen K-1]

I was like you ¨C same situation ¨C Single for 10 years and dating a lot of Asian girls in my backyard¡­until I found my soul mate.

 

But let¡¯s put thing into perspective¡­

 

You go to the store and buy frozen dinners ¨C Instant Dinners Right!

 

You go to a drive thru and get your food - Fast Food!

 

You correspond with a Chinese Women for 12-15 months and get ¨C Instant Family!

 

At this age in your life, you need someone to take care of you!

 

In return you will get a feeling inside you that no one and I mean no one can buy! And you will exchange some of the greatest joys for memories that will last you a lifetime. This women (who puts all her trust in you) will overshadow you with Love, Joy, Happiness, and all other kinds of emoticons that you could never repay her with. You also will gain a daughter who will make you cry at times with joy seeing her excitement and happiness through her eyes.

 

Ya, you can still have your own fun, but remember what they will be giving you is priceless¡­

 

The most fun will involve my SO and being in the dark!!!!