I got caught up with my emotions...

[Dennis143]

Last night I found myself becoming more and more angered over another members post, (please, I don’t post this to bring up more discussion re that member or his post).

 

Poor David and Joanne had the mid-watch and tried desperately through their PMs to kindly tell me to cool it. Finally, and thankfully, the whole thread was deleted. I apologize to you both and thank you for your patience with me.

 

I’ve had some time to reflect on what it was that got under my skin. I think I realize where my frustration lies.

 

As most of you know, I live among many Chinese. Through our Church and through ESL, Leiqin and I have a large circle of (mostly) female Chinese friends, new women will come into our circle and then we may not hear from others for quite a long time, if ever again.

At first, many women are hesitant to approach me. Most are very shy and, maybe, just a bit frightened of this American man. Yet, over time, I have become a close and trusted friend to many. And, as new women enter our circle, my old friends tell them who I am and that they need not fear me. Maybe, I hope, it’s also my personality where I always smile and always try to make each student/person feel special. Anyway, after time, they learn to trust me. They know that they will never loose face through me.

 

Either through direct conversations or through translations by Mary or by Mary telling me, I have learned where many of these women come from and what their backgrounds are. And, I have heard horrendous and heartbreaking stories of abuse by both Chinese and American husbands towards some women. I will not go into the abuse that has been shared with me. I will only say that it’s a wonder how some of these women survive. At times, I become so overwhelmed with grief that I feel like I’ve been to war and back and live with PTSS.

 

But, this isn’t a pity post about me.

 

I won’t comment on abuse by Chinese men. I will comment on the abuse by my American brothers. And, I still believe that too many of them search for the docile, submissive Asian wife, when having failed miserably with American women.

I believe that many men are drunkards with a history of abuse. It is often easy to become abusive to someone whom they think they have trapped. And, when they realize that their little Chinese wife isn’t that timid little women who walks behind him and bows to everything he says they tend to snap and go over the edge.

Yet, little do they know the willpower and moxie of these women who most have been through much greater hardship than being with a domineering ogre.

 

Anyway, sorry, it just gets my gall when someone comes to this site, who's like some ninja striker to make a jab at HIS WIFE!! to simply disappear and then just to sit back to seemingly wait to reap praise and sympathy from all of his fellow Candle members.

 

Sorry, I can’t do it. I cannot sit idle while reading post of condolences.

 

If anyone truly owes someone an apology it’s members who think they can slam their wife here and not expect some of us to call them out for it.

Edited October 30, 2007 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[timb]

I also want to apologize if my questions I posed to the original poster had offended anyone.

 

When I seen the post, I thought immediately of a another situation, where the man posted his rant about what his spouse did and went even so far as to have her "blacklisted". If you just heard his side of the story, on the surface, she sounded pretty bad, and a mans worst nightmare, but when her side of the story became known, it was more the opposite. I was really just trying to understand the womans reasoning for what she was being accused of. So I'm sorry if I didn't take the posters word for what happened, I just wanted the "bird-eye" view of the situation.

 

TimB

[Gordon]

I didn't read the post you are talking about Dennis, but I'm sure it was deleted not because of what you said, rather because of the statement of the original offender. Stick to your principals dude.

[Randy W]

I didn't read the post you are talking about Dennis, but I'm sure it was deleted not because of what you said, rather because of the statement of the original offender. Stick to your principals dude.

 

 

Whoa - I did read it, and it was NOT deleted because of the OP. He posted HIS side of what happened, hung around a little while, and got out.

Edited October 30, 2007 by Randy W (see edit history)

[Gordon]

I didn't read the post you are talking about Dennis, but I'm sure it was deleted not because of what you said, rather because of the statement of the original offender. Stick to your principals dude.

 

 

Whoa - I did read it, and it was NOT deleted because of the OP. He posted HIS side of what happened, hung around a little while, and got out.

 

 

I would like to read it

[SinoTexas]

Dennis...my good buddy....and I can't sing, so you are spared, "Come ride the little train that is rolln' down the track to the Junction. Forget about your care, it is time to relax at the Junction. Lots of curves you bet, even more when you get, to the Junction". Amtrak time...

 

As aye,

 

Jim

[tywy_99]

Last night I found myself becoming more and more angered over another members post, (please, I don¡¯t post this to bring up more discussion re that member or his post).

 

Poor David and Joanne had the mid-watch and tried desperately through their PMs to kindly tell me to cool it. Finally, and thankfully, the whole thread was deleted. I

apologize to you both and thank you for your patience with me.

 

I¡¯ve had some time to reflect on what it was that got under my skin. I think I realize where my frustration lies.

 

As most of you know, I live among many Chinese. Through our Church and through ESL, Leiqin and I have a large circle of (mostly) female Chinese friends, New women will come into our circle and we may not hear from others for quite a long time, if ever again.

At first, many women were hesitant to approach me. Most are very shy and, maybe, just a bit frightened of this American man. Yet, over time, I have become a close and trusted friend to many. And, as new women enter our circle, my old friends tell them who I am and that they not fear me. Maybe, it¡¯s my personality where I always smile and always try to make each student/person feel special. Anyway, after time, they learn to trust me. They know that they will never loose face by me.

 

Either through direct conversations or through translations by Mary or by Mary telling me, I have learned where many of these women come from and what their backgrounds are. And, I have heard horrendous and heartbreaking stories of abuse by both Chinese and American husbands towards some women. I will not go into the abuse that has been shared with me. I will only say that it¡¯s a wonder how some of these women survive. At times, I become so overwhelmed with grief that I feel like I¡¯ve been to war and back and live with PTSS.

 

But, this isn¡¯t a pity post about me.

 

I won¡¯t comment on abuse by Chinese men. I will comment on the abuse by my American brothers. And, I still believe that too many of them search for the docile, submissive Asian wife, when having failed miserably with American women.

I believe that many men are drunkards with a history of abuse. It is often easy to become abusive to someone whom they think they have trapped. And, when they realize that their little Chinese wife isn¡¯t that timid little women who walks behind him and bows to everything he says they tend to snap and go over the edge.

Yet, little do they know the willpower and moxie of these women who most have been through much greater hardship than being with a domineering ogre.

 

Anyway, sorry, it just gets my gall when someone comes to this site, like some ninja striker, makes a jab at HIS WIFE!! And, then disappears just to sit back and seemingly wait to reap praise and sympathy from all of his fellow Candle members.

 

Sorry, I can¡¯t do it. And, if anyone truly owes someone an apology it¡¯s members who think they can slam their wife here and not expect some of us to call them out for it.

 

 

Dennis, you share my emotional make-up, so I have always appreciated your thoughts and your posts.

 

You have called me down when you believed that I was out of line. It hurts, but I appreciate it when you do. Sometimes I wonder why you are being hard on me, but later I recognize your intentions.

 

We all can over-react about things. Frankly, the only posts I saw from you on this topic were restrained, IMHO. But perhaps there were posts that I missed. I have particularly appreciated the cool and calm way that David has counseled me at times, so I feel sure he was giving his best guidance.

 

When I see something that I have strong feelings about, I usually don't post at all. That may be the way of a man with no courage to support his convictions. Perhaps. But it may also be the way of a man who recognizes the potential explosiveness of his opinions.

 

Either way, I don't feel like you need to apologize or explain. You have earned my respect. You aren't going to lose it for defending the integrity and honor and worthiness of our Chinese ladies. I applaud you for your courage.

Well said, Lee. My sentiments exactly!

We all have are down days and we all react to situations that touch us most. I think this site stays very much in line, much more than it has in the past, and has been that way for a long time now. For the most part, it is well behaved.

We all share a comradery which I think holds us together. That's what I like about Candle and why I am still here.

So I say, "what's a few words between friends?"

[Shenzhen K-1]

It was a very touchy and emotionally charged topic that I also got in the middle of. We all hate these stories, because somewhere inside of us we are all afraid of bad things that could happen to anyone of us. When you have this much time away from someone you love it is too easy for your mind to have thoughts of could this happen to me??

 

I am sorry if I said anything improper, but hope this is always an open forum that we all say what we feel, say what we think, and want heard always. Blowing off steam does feel better some days, but not at the expense of others.

 

To the original post, please good luck, and hope it all ends well, and I mean that from my heart!!

[Don]

I think we have enough of a community to understand each other here a little. We all have ideas or events that are important to us. There is nothing wrong to support or present your thoughts here. A well placed correction is to be admired, no need to apologized. Our discussion and passion is what makes it worthwile to post here.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Didn't see the exchange, so can't comment about it. No matter what we hear from a person, there is always the other side of the story.

[Guest Rob & Jin]

Didn't see the exchange, so can't comment about it. No matter what we hear from a person, there is always the other side of the story.

 

I did not see it either (i think),so cant really comment ,but I'm sure you all were appropiate

[Joanne]

I understand you, Dennis. As Jesse said, every story has another side. Unfortunately, CFL has no power to bring both sides together to defend their cases. In most situations, we can only hear what the member is saying and make our own judgement on what the true situation really is. Then some of us will elect to defend the other side, which is OK. But, we do need to listen before making a judgement.

 

I just feel that CFL don't qualify/disqualify members. Since we don't have a way to judge a case, we can at least give a place for the members to vent. We give our understanding (towards member's side of the story), offer advices on how they can best handle the situation and treat their other half and thus, we all learn from their lessons.

 

Yesterday, I picked Dennis's post to reply only because I can use it to bring out my own argument better, not because he is the one making the most nasty comments. In fact the counter comments towards Dennis was worse and hurting as well. (Dennis' post today shows that he forgave me on this. Thanks, Dennis! )

 

let's try our best to avoid personal attacks while showing different opintions.

Edited October 30, 2007 by Joanne (see edit history)

[Joanne]

By the way, the thread was deleted due to OP's request.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

I understand you, Dennis. As Jesse said, every story has another side. Unfortunately, CFL has no power to bring both sides together to defend their cases. In most situations, we can only hear what the member is saying and make our own judgement on what the true situation really is. Then some of us will elect to defend the other side, which is OK. But, we do need to listen before making a judgement.

 

I just feel that CFL don't qualify/disqualify members. Since we don't have a way to judge a case, we can at least give a place for the members to vent. We give our understanding (towards member's side of the story), offer advices on how they can best handle the situation and treat their other half and thus, we all learn from their lessons.

 

Yesterday, I picked Dennis's post to reply only because I can use it to bring out my own argument better, not because he is the one making the most nasty comments. In fact the counter comments towards Dennis was worse and hurting as well. (Dennis' post today shows that he forgave me on this. Thanks, Dennis! )

 

let's try our best to avoid personal attacks while showing different opintions.

 

 

My compliments Joanne. I continue to be impressed with your ability to express yourself. You are truly mastering communication in English.

 

[Joanne]

Thanks, Jesse. CFL made me practice a lot.

Edited October 30, 2007 by Joanne (see edit history)