Lazy or just Stupid

[Joshua + Wang Zhuo]

I think we need to cut sweattrl1 some slack here. Raising a young Chinese stepdaughter myself, I can see exactly what he is talking about and it's not easy to say the least.

It is apparent, as sweattrl1 alludes to, that the ones who are quick to damn him do not have stepchildren themselves. I think sweattrl1 made this post only to vent his frustrations and to look for a little help and not damnation.

 

 

I don¡¯t think it was anyone's intent to provide the member any ¡°damnation¡± !!

 

There are some of us here who are very experienced parents of natural, adopted, and/or step children. I think some of us became concerned at the language and tone of some of what was offered within this thread, with respect to the approach to helping this [young] girl.

 

What was most [offensive] to some of us, was a response that what we had to offer was dismissed as ¡°B/S¡±.

 

Being a dad, is a full-time, hands-on job; a job which brings me great joy.

I think the guy was just venting in his post and maybe looking for some help and advice. Instead, he was cut down and denunciated. I'll be surprised if he ever post again the way he was treated. He didn't say anything that you or I or anybody else would'nt say. The guy is having a tough time and we should see that, or at least the ones who have experienced raising a step child should see it. No one else can speak unless. And the ones who can speak should see his pain. But I guess it's easier to just kick someone when they're down. That's the real B/S!

 

Thank you for deleting your previous/initial response to my post # 25.

 

Nothing I offered in my post, deserved that angry/harsh response.

 

Moreover, this is not [only] about a parent¡¯s ¡®feelings¡®¡­¡­.what defense, outlet or forum does a young child have, who has been thrust into an alien environment/situation, wherein they have no control ?? It breaks my heart to think about these issues.

 

I wish a family psychologist and/or licensed clinician could review/assess this thread and comment professionally about it.

 

I have been heavily involved, for many years, with CPS here in California, and I know they offer great assistance with family services and classes in parenting. I would imagine most states/counties also offer these tools to assist parents.

Yeah, it was harsh, but it was harsh for a reason. I don't like being talked down to and I don't like the attitude you display. What makes you the reigning mogul of child rearing? Why can't you just offer help and/or advice to the OP instead of making assertive remarks and innuendos? Furthermore, the focus here is on the OP and not the child. Your statements are exremely speculative and without basis or reason and your bold and underline words that you think mean something are especially annoying!

The point is, help the OP and take it no further. Leave the assertions, innuendos, and speculations out of it. This is a real, and serious situation. There is no place for show-casing or grand-standing here. Give it a rest. You are no pro in this type of case. Don't try to act like one.

Additionally, I saved the post I deleted just in case I need it. I do stand by it 100% but felt it was too extreme even for my taste.

U are right Ty no one post unless u really know what u are talking about

 

But that may cut our posts down dramatically...... Hell, maybe I should just leave the forum then.

 

Joshua

[SmilingAsia]

Prediction:

The kid will grow up just fine.

She will speak Chinese at home and English outside

of the home.

It still depends on in what kind of community kids grow up. I know quite a few Chinese Americans in 20s who don't write either English or Chinese. They only speak some words of both languages. This gives me the impression Chinatown or Chinese restaurant don't need written language at all, which saved tons of paper and thousands of trees.

This prejudice is only based on the people I know in person.

Edited October 9, 2007 by SmilingAsia (see edit history)

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Prediction:

The kid will grow up just fine.

She will speak Chinese at home and English outside

of the home.

It still depends on in what kind of community kids grow up. I know quite a few Chinese Americans in 20s who don't write either English or Chinese. They only speak some words of both languages. This gives me the impression Chinatown or Chinese restaurant don't need written language at all, which saved tons of paper and thousands of trees.

This prejudice is only based on the people I know in person.

 

True. Environment is a HUGE factor in development. Not only for the child, but the adult. The best thing you can do is surround yourself and your child with people who posess skills that would be positive to emulate. It's for this reason that I moved my family to a new neighborhood. Despite what parents want to believe, our children learn more from their peers than they do at home. Still, being a positive role model is ever so helpful.

[DMikeS4321]

 

 

I don抰 think it was anyone's intent to provide the member any 揹amnation?!!

 

There are some of us here who are very experienced parents of natural, adopted, and/or step children. I think some of us became concerned at the language and tone of some of what was offered within this thread, with respect to the approach to helping this [young] girl.

 

What was most [offensive] to some of us, was a response that what we had to offer was dismissed as 揃/S?

 

Being a dad, is a full-time, hands-on job; a job which brings me great joy.

 

As usual, I'm with you Roger. Being a Dad is the most difficult, but most rewarding thing I have ever done. It is also my legacy, the one thing I'll leave behind that will count for anything when I'm gone. I have NEVER spoken about one of my (3) kids that way, even "off the record".

 

When someone posts on this forum, they are looking for feedback. If they only want a certain kind of feedback, a certain point of view, maybe they should go to a bar instead and talk to drunken strangers.

 

Blind support isn't always best for those involved.

Edited October 9, 2007 by DMikeS4321 (see edit history)

[DMikeS4321]

Thank you for deleting your previous/initial response to my post # 25.

 

Nothing I offered in my post, deserved that angry/harsh response.

 

Moreover, this is not [only] about a parent’s ‘feelings‘…….what defense, outlet or forum does a young child have, who has been thrust into an alien environment/situation, wherein they have no control ?? It breaks my heart to think about these issues.

 

I wish a family psychologist and/or licensed clinician could review/assess this thread and comment professionally about it.

 

I have been heavily involved, for many years, with CPS here in California, and I know they offer great assistance with family services and classes in parenting. I would imagine most states/counties also offer these tools to assist parents.

 

Once again, Roger, RIGHT ON!!! We adults are (should be??) capable of taking care of ourselves, but who looks out for the kids?

 

We're discussing a young girl who has just moved to a completely different WORLD.... I don't think SHE can get too much support and understanding. I'll worry about the kids, anytime. The parents are on their own...

[rogerinca]

True. Environment is a HUGE factor in development. Not only for the child, but the adult. The best thing you can do is surround yourself and your child with people who posess skills that would be positive to emulate. It's for this reason that I moved my family to a new neighborhood. Despite what parents want to believe, our children learn more from their peers than they do at home. Still, being a positive role model is ever so helpful.

 

Sorry, but it doesn't work that way in my home; moreover, I don't think that is the way it is supposed to work, if mom and dad are doing their job ?? But what do I know; after all I am no pro.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

 

 

I don’t think it was anyone's intent to provide the member any “damnation?!!

 

There are some of us here who are very experienced parents of natural, adopted, and/or step children. I think some of us became concerned at the language and tone of some of what was offered within this thread, with respect to the approach to helping this [young] girl.

 

What was most [offensive] to some of us, was a response that what we had to offer was dismissed as “B/S?

 

Being a dad, is a full-time, hands-on job; a job which brings me great joy.

 

As usual, I'm with you Roger. Being a Dad is the most difficult, but most rewarding thing I have ever done. It is also my legacy, the one thing I'll leave behind that will count for anything when I'm gone. I have NEVER spoken about one of my (3) kids that way, even "off the record".

 

When someone posts on this forum, they are looking for feedback. If they only want a certain kind of feedback, a certain point of view, maybe they should go to a bar instead and talk to drunken strangers.

 

Blind support isn't always best for those involved.

 

This line of thinking smacks of hypocrisy. The OP was seeking advice and a few members took exception of his poor choice of words. Yes, a poor choice indeed, but yet the content of the question still remains. He is seeking advice and some choose to ridicule. I also see that he hasn't returned for further comment. I would expect that most people do best when they are gently directed.

 

I've read this thread carefully and have not seen one single member render "blind support." To the contrary, there are a wide array of opinions. Some I agree with, others not. If you think you're way of living, thinking, and rearing children is better than another, would you drive a bulldozer through their living room to make a point? Some of the most dysfunctional parents are either unwilling or unaccepting of input. If you can help another, taking a gentle hand will prove more productive. Frankly, I find the use of the word "stupid" reprehensible when referring to children. I saw the word though and looked past it to the person. If indeed you've been careful enough from refraining to use colorful language such as this around your children, why not exercise the same restraint when dealing with Candle members?

[chilton747]

When I read the OP I saw the word "stupid" being associated with the child he was referring to. It really saddened my heart greatly and I was really hoping that this word was not taught to her by any member of her family. I for one am not an expert by any means on how to raise children so I can't give any advice to help him. But I truly hope that perhaps he can read in between some of the lines here and find a little something that could help him.

[tywy_99]

Besides myself, ShaQuaNew is the only one here I see who has the forsight to go beyond the mere words that were used and into the heart and soul of the matter the OP is up against. I won't try to explain it but I will give you my thoughts on the word "stupid" that was used.

I think the OP used the word out of frustration and later realized it was not appropriate. Of course, he doesn't think his stepdaughter is stupid. He was acting out of from the heat of the moment when he was making this post. He loves her but he is faced with a terrible time in raising her and he was reaching out.

This is a serious issue and should not be taken so lighty nor should anyone be accused so viciously as the OP was. Lighten up and see what he really means, and feels. These are my thoughts. I think the guy is a good father and provider. He is just faced with a very difficult task. I wish him all the luck and give him all of my support. You all should do the same if you feel you need to post in this thread.

[credzba]

I raised 3.5 children, and now have a new daughter.

My children range in iq from very smart to not so smart.

 

I find it difficult to believe that NONE of you real parents ever asked your child "Are you stupid or just don't care?". I'll admit it, I did, with every one of them at one time or another.

 

Your self righteous attitude about the words a frustrated parent uses make me crazy.

 

Give the guy a break, it is WAY frustrating to love someone, know they can do better than they are, and know that if they do poorly in school they will have a difficult adult life.

 

Fourth grade isn't too early to want the best for our children.

I told my kids (when i was calm) that learning is like trying to empty a swimming pool.

If you study in 4th grade, then it is like emptying the pool with a cup, you can do it easily because you have 8 years to graduation.

If you wait to start till 8th grade, you better have a bucket, and its a much heavier burden.

By 10th grade, you better use a 50 gallon drum, and chances are you can't carry the load.

 

Anyway, I am just frustrated. It isn't telling the kids they are stupid that is the point.

 

Give the guy some advice (and I'll listen too) on how to motivate a child to do their best, and listen to your advice for their own future well being.

[Joshua + Wang Zhuo]

Well, the gentleman that originally posted may have used some harsh words but at least he cares enough about this child enough to seek advice. There are MANY children that would be much better off if they had someone that cared that much.

 

Joshua

[Guest Rob & Jin]

 

 

I don’t think it was anyone's intent to provide the member any “damnation?!!

 

There are some of us here who are very experienced parents of natural, adopted, and/or step children. I think some of us became concerned at the language and tone of some of what was offered within this thread, with respect to the approach to helping this [young] girl.

 

What was most [offensive] to some of us, was a response that what we had to offer was dismissed as “B/S?

 

Being a dad, is a full-time, hands-on job; a job which brings me great joy.

 

As usual, I'm with you Roger. Being a Dad is the most difficult, but most rewarding thing I have ever done. It is also my legacy, the one thing I'll leave behind that will count for anything when I'm gone. I have NEVER spoken about one of my (3) kids that way, even "off the record".

 

When someone posts on this forum, they are looking for feedback. If they only want a certain kind of feedback, a certain point of view, maybe they should go to a bar instead and talk to drunken strangers.

 

Blind support isn't always best for those involved.

 

This line of thinking smacks of hypocrisy. The OP was seeking advice and a few members took exception of his poor choice of words. Yes, a poor choice indeed, but yet the content of the question still remains. He is seeking advice and some choose to ridicule. I also see that he hasn't returned for further comment. I would expect that most people do best when they are gently directed.

 

I've read this thread carefully and have not seen one single member render "blind support." To the contrary, there are a wide array of opinions. Some I agree with, others not. If you think you're way of living, thinking, and rearing children is better than another, would you drive a bulldozer through their living room to make a point? Some of the most dysfunctional parents are either unwilling or unaccepting of input. If you can help another, taking a gentle hand will prove more productive. Frankly, I find the use of the word "stupid" reprehensible when referring to children. I saw the word though and looked past it to the person. If indeed you've been careful enough from refraining to use colorful language such as this around your children, why not exercise the same restraint when dealing with Candle members?

 

I think some of us have offered good support, have not made value judgements about their situation, we can all choose our words a little brashly sometimes especially when feeling at our wits end, or just not thinking before we speak, thats why men learn to duck from the mop very fast.

On the other hand its a open forum, if you ask a question you must be prepared to maybe not like some of the answers you get.

Finally I have to disagree with the posts that say its ok not to be able to read, write and talk english if living in the USA. If you want your child to fail school and work in a chinese restuarant in china town maybe ok, but they are not going to get into most universities and pass if they cannot talk the lingo.I dont remember any of my lectures giving their classes in chinese.

Any way i stand by my previous posts on this its got to start in the family then expand outwards

[DMikeS4321]

 

 

I don抰 think it was anyone's intent to provide the member any 揹amnation?!!

 

There are some of us here who are very experienced parents of natural, adopted, and/or step children. I think some of us became concerned at the language and tone of some of what was offered within this thread, with respect to the approach to helping this [young] girl.

 

What was most [offensive] to some of us, was a response that what we had to offer was dismissed as 揃/S?

 

Being a dad, is a full-time, hands-on job; a job which brings me great joy.

 

As usual, I'm with you Roger. Being a Dad is the most difficult, but most rewarding thing I have ever done. It is also my legacy, the one thing I'll leave behind that will count for anything when I'm gone. I have NEVER spoken about one of my (3) kids that way, even "off the record".

 

When someone posts on this forum, they are looking for feedback. If they only want a certain kind of feedback, a certain point of view, maybe they should go to a bar instead and talk to drunken strangers.

 

Blind support isn't always best for those involved.

 

This line of thinking smacks of hypocrisy. The OP was seeking advice and a few members took exception of his poor choice of words. Yes, a poor choice indeed, but yet the content of the question still remains. He is seeking advice and some choose to ridicule. I also see that he hasn't returned for further comment. I would expect that most people do best when they are gently directed.

 

Words have meaning. People who say such things should be made to THINK about what they are saying. If someone would say something like that on a bb or forum, God knows what they would say in the privacy of their own home.

 

Sorry if you were offended, but it's incumbent upon all of us to speak up for what is right. I've heard the same sentiments (as expressed by OP) coming from child abusers. This man needs to think about what he's saying and the way he is treating a sweet, innocent 9 year old child.

 

I've read this thread carefully and have not seen one single member render "blind support."

 

Maybe not blind support, but the rather harsh attack on Roger was SOME kind of support for (or defense of, same thing) OP.

 

To the contrary, there are a wide array of opinions. Some I agree with, others not. If you think you're way of living, thinking, and rearing children is better than another, would you drive a bulldozer through their living room to make a point? Some of the most dysfunctional parents are either unwilling or unaccepting of input. If you can help another, taking a gentle hand will prove more productive. Frankly, I find the use of the word "stupid" reprehensible when referring to children. I saw the word though and looked past it to the person. If indeed you've been careful enough from refraining to use colorful language such as this around your children, why not exercise the same restraint when dealing with Candle members?

 

I don't think I called ANYONE stupid, including OP. I don't think sensitivity is appropriate, though, when you read a post in which someone criticizes their own child (step or otherwise) in such an inappropriate way.

 

Look, if you are OK with it, fine. I'm not. I think people who say such things to children or describe THEIR children in such terms to others should wake up. If you think it's defensible, OK. While you "looked past" the reprehensible language (your term), I was sitting here wondering what that poor child's life is/will be like.

 

Nine year old girl, completely new to a completely new LIFE, and she is facing this???? Sorry, I just can't work up too much sympathy for the guy, but my heart goes out to the little girl.

 

God help us all....

 

P.S. Roger surely doesn't need MY help, but where was the outrage when he was attacked for pointing out the obvious? DAMNATION?? Where did THAT come from? Stupid?? Where did THAT come from??

Edited October 10, 2007 by DMikeS4321 (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

The OP asked for help. Calling him on his choice of words could, quite possibly, be the best help that anyone could offer him.

[DMikeS4321]

The OP asked for help. Calling him on his choice of words could, quite possibly, be the best help that anyone could offer him.

 

Thank you, Dennis. Your post is so much better than mine! How the hell do you reduce so much common sense into such a short post?