Culture, Custom or What?

[credzba]

Can I ask one question here? Why ameircan men dont like hear " the other men do it ,or my friends husband do it" . For you guys ,it is crap, but for women, we wondered why other husband can do it for their wifes, why my husband cant???

 

I think it is not always crap Paula, it depends on the situation.

 

I will describe the worst situation I can think of:

 

If the wife wants the husband to do something just because "my friends husband do it" then I think she is using me to impress her friends, but doesn't treasure me as a husband. It seems like when she finds another man who will impress her friends more, she will leave me and take him.

 

The reverse situation would be if the man didn't love or care for his wife, but wanted the wife because she looked good, and all his friends had a wife that looked good.

I think this would make the woman feel very bad about the marriage.

Same way as the previous example, she would feel like when she is old, or a better looking woman comes along she will get left.

 

If you put both of these bad situations together you have

1) a man who doesn't love his wife, but keeps her to show off for his friends.

2) a woman who doesn't love the man, but keeps him so she can have his money.

 

That pretty much describes a prostitute situation, and NONE of us want that for our relationship.

 

Thats the best I know to describe my thoughts on this.

 

The "not crap" situations are where the money or showing off is extra, but the MAIN relationship is caring for and respecting each other.

 

1) the wife really needs something. It is my responsibility to my wife to do what I can for her.

 

2) my wife "shows me off" to her friends sometimes, and I know it gives her face to have a foreign husband.

 

It doesn't bother me at all for either of these situations because I know that FIRST she loves me and cares for me. Needing money, or showing me off are just the extra things to the relationship, not the main reason.

[jbray]

I agree with what others have said, to me, $100 seems fairly small... I wouldn't add it as a flag...

 

There are 2 sides to this issue that I have seen... One is where the Chinese SO is looking for money, and asks for a lot each month. That's not good... The other side is, once she comes to the US, the American SO refuses to pay for ANYTHING, so the Chinese SO has to get a job and pay for their own visa, air tickets, American cell phone, cloths on America, anything Chinese related that they want in the US....

 

To me it seems like your SO is just trying to see if you will support her, or leave her out in the cold... Remember, she probably has a goup of peope telling her about selfish evil American's.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. What I would do is, (if you can afford it), ask if she needs any more.

[Joanne]

About comparison. I want to say that please don't feel so resentful that your wife is comparing you with other husbands (or American husbands).

 

She certainly wants to make sure you are right for her. How? She has to hear what you say and watch what you do and then make judgements. Some judgements are done based on comparison, just like you do here-comparing notes with other Americans about their Chinese wives. The comparison method is used more because you come from a totally different value system. She could not stick to her own principles anymore. Then to compare, she could not compare you with the Chinese men she knew or according to Chinese standard. She would have to use other American men as a benchmark to decide.

 

Of course, all said above is nil, if your relationship is completely based on romantic love (like mine years ago when I was young and had no other responsibilities but feeding myself).

Edited September 12, 2007 by Joanne (see edit history)

[stacato]

She is testing you. Sens her the money - pass the test. You won't regret it B)

[SinoTexas]

I have to add on to what Lee said. I have been on this site for just over two years. I have heard time and time again about the pragmatic approach Chinese women take in a relationship. They have been restated here by David, Jim, Yimi and others. I am not going to disagree with their assessments. It takes two to make a relationship. If one member is uncomfortable or see's red flags because the other member is asking for money from them, then he/she needs to pause for a moment. Perhaps it is time to rethink the relationship and what one wants out of it. If my fiancee had asked me for money on a constant basis, I would have walked because that's not what I want. Yes, I'm talking about me, who is also part of this relationship and I have to live with myself on the way I handle it. If the Chinese woman is as pragmatic about her wants and needs, then if the guy breaks it off because of the money issue, then all she needs to do is wait for the next guy to come along. Maybe he'll meet her pragmatic needs. If it is not about emotional feelings, and only meeting her pragmatic needs, then she should not become emotionally hurt if he walks. There is always another guy on the net out shopping.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

 

PS. I want to qualify this in that I am not talking about couples who are married or about to be married.

Edited September 12, 2007 by SinoTexas (see edit history)

[Guest Rob & Jin]

I have to add on to what Lee said. I have been on this site for just over two years. I have heard time and time again about the pragmatic approach Chinese women take in a relationship. They have been restated here by David, Jim, Yimi and others. I am not going to disagree with their assessments. It takes two to make a relationship. If one member is uncomfortable or see's red flags because the other member is asking for money from them, then he/she needs to pause for a moment. Perhaps it is time to rethink the relationship and what one wants out of it. If my fiancee had asked me for money on a constant basis, I would have walked because that's not what I want. Yes, I'm talking about me, who is also part of this relationship and I have to live with myself on the way I handle it. If the Chinese woman is as pragmatic about her wants and needs, then if the guy breaks it off because of the money issue, then all she needs to do is wait for the next guy to come along. Maybe he'll meet her pragmatic needs. If it is not about emotional feelings, and only meeting her pragmatic needs, then she should not become emotionally hurt if he walks. There is always another guy on the net out shopping.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

 

PS. I want to qualify this in that I am not talking about couples who are married or about to be married.

 

By "about to be married" I assume you mean are waiting for their visa ? personaly as im in a loving relationship with Jin and already consider her to be my wife (which she will be once shes here) and as she has no job I dont see any problem in sending her money to pay for the visa stuff or the dentist bill etc, thats just me.

If you dont want to help your fiancee/wife finacially or if she has a good job thats fine, circumstances are different for all.

If she insists on money and you really dont want to give her any, then its something you are going to have to talk about to resolve. If you cannont resolve it and continue, I guess your relationship was probably not meant to be, and your lucky you found this out early.

I think a marriage between 2 different cultures requires a melding of both cultures and a deep understanding of eachother, I think its called love & comprimise. As Jin says "I am learning you"

Edited September 12, 2007 by Rob & Jin (see edit history)

[PhoenixRising]

My SO and I chatted again this early morning. She never mentioned the living allowance. We did talk of me returning to China at the end of this month. I do not have a problem helping her out if the need is there. ie Dental, illness etc. Afterall she is my future wife. As far as me dumping her because she asked for money that would be going to the extremes. We all have heard of the bad stories on how men are manipulated for money. This is true be it in American Culture or Chinese Cultire. Hell we have fought wars for the love of a woman in our turbulent human history.

I am sure we will work this out.

[david_dawei]

I'll give my short comment and then an explanation:

 

Send her money and dont' ask what it's for at all. JUST DO IT.

 

(I might ask why you didn't offer this before making her feel she has to ask, but I won't).

 

She's going to english classes quite frequently and has a daughter of 20 years old.. why does she suddenly need the money?

 

She's needed it all along.. just that now she has someone with whom she is intending to spend her life with; anyone else would represent a loan and chinese generally do not ask for money in terms of loans without deep feelings of how responsible they are to repay it.

 

I agree with Jim's comments and they should be read over and over... long term financial stablity and security are at the top of their heap. And JimSino drives it home; they are pragmatic to their core and explains why she asks, IMO. This is all balanced by Randy's comment of a little 'peer pressure' makes them feel they should ask; the problem is, she maybe should not of had to ask if it was already offered.

 

For paula, I'll only say it's because of ego... we in the west are too attached to the "me" factor of life. It's hard to let someone else tell us what to do or how to do it. I'm glad your making some progress.

[lostinblue]

My SO and I chatted again this early morning. She never mentioned the living allowance. We did talk of me returning to China at the end of this month. I do not have a problem helping her out if the need is there. ie Dental, illness etc. Afterall she is my future wife. As far as me dumping her because she asked for money that would be going to the extremes. We all have heard of the bad stories on how men are manipulated for money. This is true be it in American Culture or Chinese Cultire. Hell we have fought wars for the love of a woman in our turbulent human history.

I am sure we will work this out.

From reading your former post's on this board she seems like a well rounded person . Send her a little money if you can afford it and roll with the punch. She may suprise you and have it all on her when she arrives here in the US to marry you

[jemmyell]

After I found out my wife was working about 15 hours a week extra to make about $50 (sometimes) I started sending her an 'allowance' so she could concentrate on the task at hand. In addition I paid all signifcant expenses of the visa process and my visits. She did insist on taking me to dinner every night and she paid for that on my first trip. I paid all expenses on my second trip which was for her and her daughter's visa interview.

 

Now we are buying an apartment in her home town. Now that we are married we are investing 50 / 50. Not monetarily but percentage wise. She has allocated 50% of her Chinese savings and I allocated 50% of a CD we had here.

 

I believe it is the USC's obligation to pay all costs until your SO is here and you are married. Our wives take such incredible risk to join us here, we should at least pay their way...

 

JMHO...

 

-James

[Thomas Promise]

After I found out my wife was working about 15 hours a week extra to make about $50 (sometimes) I started sending her an 'allowance' so she could concentrate on the task at hand. In addition I paid all signifcant expenses of the visa process and my visits. She did insist on taking me to dinner every night and she paid for that on my first trip. I paid all expenses on my second trip which was for her and her daughter's visa interview.

 

Now we are buying an apartment in her home town. Now that we are married we are investing 50 / 50. Not monetarily but percentage wise. She has allocated 50% of her Chinese savings and I allocated 50% of a CD we had here.

 

I believe it is the USC's obligation to pay all costs until your SO is here and you are married. Our wives take such incredible risk to join us here, we should at least pay their way...

 

JMHO...

 

-James

Both of us are taking an incredible risk when we enter into any relationship. It is not a one way street. The sword can cut both ways.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

I asked my wife about this and to share her thoughts. Though Lan never directly asked me for money, I simply felt the need to do so in my bones. I explained to her that this thread had opened some debate with a wide array of opinions and suggestions.

 

Lan summarized it very simply for me by explaining that Chinese people in general are not a greedy people. Many families have survived for years on very little, but it's simply accepted that everyone will help others to the extent that they are able. It isn't so much that there is a certain amount to give, but to give something is very meaningful. She further explained that one American dollar can but so much more in China than it can in America. We Americans tend to hold tight and suspect quickly.

 

In China Lan says, "You want a good horse, but you don't you don't want to feed him."

Edited September 15, 2007 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

Lan summarized it very simply for me by explaining that Chinese people in general are not a greedy people. Many families have survived for years on very little, but it's simply accepted that everyone will help others to the extent that they are able. It isn't so much that there is a certain amount to give, but to give something is very meaningful. She further explained that one American dollar can but so much more in China than it can in America. We Americans tend to hold tight and suspect quickly.

 

In China Lan says, "You want a good horse, but you don't you don't want to feed him."

Now there is some sage advice.

 

I remember a coworker saying how pennies are worthless and how our Government ought to just do away with them. I told him how hard people work, in many parts of the world, for just pennies a day. I didn't mean to sound preachy, but my trips to China were eye-opening for me. So, I relayed to him how hard many work for that 1 Yuan that was worth ~12-1/2 cents. That 1/2 cent was something of value to them.

 

Certainly, we can't send all our spare change to our fiance's in China. My point is simply that with just a little feed one can have a strong horse.

 

One is either in all the way or not. Why would any one not want to help the person whom they plan on spending the rest of their life with?

[david_dawei]

After I found out my wife was working about 15 hours a week extra to make about $50 (sometimes) I started sending her an 'allowance' so she could concentrate on the task at hand. In addition I paid all signifcant expenses of the visa process and my visits. She did insist on taking me to dinner every night and she paid for that on my first trip. I paid all expenses on my second trip which was for her and her daughter's visa interview.

 

Now we are buying an apartment in her home town. Now that we are married we are investing 50 / 50. Not monetarily but percentage wise. She has allocated 50% of her Chinese savings and I allocated 50% of a CD we had here.

 

I believe it is the USC's obligation to pay all costs until your SO is here and you are married. Our wives take such incredible risk to join us here, we should at least pay their way...

 

JMHO...

 

-James

Both of us are taking an incredible risk when we enter into any relationship. It is not a one way street. The sword can cut both ways.

IMO, it's not as big an issue as to who gets cut rather who is holding the sword.

[IllinoisDave]

There are many wise opinions in this thread. I agree with many of them and many of them make sense even though some take opposing views. And I think that's the most important thing that can be taken from the diverse opinions here, the fact that there ARE so many different views.

 

I mentioned going with your heart,head and gut earlier. That's what I did. My SO never asked for anything and still hasn't. But after four months of emails and daily phone calls and then 10 days together in China, I made the decision to leave my extra debit card with her to use as she saw fit. I hadn't planned to do that and she sure didn't expect it. I did it because I felt I had come to know her well enough that she wouldn't take advantage of the situation, and she hasn't. It just felt right to me based on OUR relationship.

 

Everyone's free to make blanket statements like "Just do it" or "Dump her". But only each of us, based on what our heads,hearts and guts tell us can really make a determination about whether it's the right thing to do for our particular situation. Things could always change and what feels right now may not feel right a month from now.

 

If you think,based on what you feel and know about your relationship, that it's the right thing, then by all means do it. If that feeling goes away you can always re-assess later. If it doesn't feel right, that doesn't mean you have to "dump" her. Just talk it over with her and let her know why your not comfortable doing it now.

 

Only you know your SO and only you can make a decision based on that knowledge.

 

Best of luck either way.