Sa Jiao

[Guest Rob & Jin]

"Sa Jiao" (Èö½¿) doesn't have a corresponding English word.

If you look it up in the dictionary, it probably says something like: "to act like a pampered child."

 

 

Is "whining" a synonym of "Sa Jiao"?

 

IF you dont know you are in for a world of fun

[A Mafan]

"Sa Jiao" (Èö½¿) doesn't have a corresponding English word.

If you look it up in the dictionary, it probably says something like: "to act like a pampered child."

 

 

Is "whining" a synonym of "Sa Jiao"?

It depends on your attitude. If you want to have a big fight, then, "yes".

[Jeikun]

You have a good intellect, AMafan. I especially like what you said about understanding the language and how words are used being a key to understanding thought processes. But being as we were/are both linguists of course I would like that

 

At times reading your posts I thought perhaps you were subjecting yourself to too much, but I can see from how things are now for you that for your situation, and your commitment, you are the one who has prevailed.

 

I dare say 90% of us (including me) would be divorced if we had been in your situation. And while yours may have been an extreme example, I think there is some wisdom in there that most of us could take away (as demonstrated by many of the replies you have received).

 

I also really liked the 4 points (stages) in cultural adjustment that Jesse pointed out. Anyone who's fiancee/wife has not arrived in the USA yet would do well to pay attention. After step 4, either things begin to get better, or they break. Sometimes it is completely out of your control, as in many ways it is a personal transformation your wife endures, and all you can do is give support. But if you drop the ball, you may look back with regret.

 

I'll break my own rule just for this post, and say that my marriage was almost destroyed primarily by this process and failure to get past step 4. So I can't emphasize paying attention to it enough. (Though I ask to please respect my wishes for now and do not discuss my relationship in detail on the forum. I will post eventually when I know the outcome of the next few months.)

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say I respected AM's and Jesse's posts. Both good to absorb and concider how they apply to you and yours.

[Joshua + Wang Zhuo]

This has actually been one of my favorite posts on this forum. I have not replied, but I think I have learned a lot. Although I have not had a serious fight with my fiancee yet, I am sure there will be fights to come. I asked her about sa jiao and she just laughed and told me to get ready Although I know all relationships are different and this may never be a big issue in my relationship, I still think it is good to be able to sit and read about someone else's trials a tribulations .......Who knows, they may help me one day. Thanks for sharing all of your thoughts.

 

Joshua

[tsap seui]

Thanks for this thread.

 

tsap seui

[Guest Rob & Jin]

This has actually been one of my favorite posts on this forum. I have not replied, but I think I have learned a lot. Although I have not had a serious fight with my fiancee yet, I am sure there will be fights to come. I asked her about sa jiao and she just laughed and told me to get ready Although I know all relationships are different and this may never be a big issue in my relationship, I still think it is good to be able to sit and read about someone else's trials a tribulations .......Who knows, they may help me one day. Thanks for sharing all of your thoughts.

 

Joshua

 

According to Jin, Sa Jiao" (Èö½¿) is not about fighting its about affection, its a kind of game, a tease, a test. It is something woman and children do . Between husband and wife it is a great show of affection, woman will only do it with the man she loves and we have to know how to play the game.

[A Mafan]

According to Jin, Sa Jiao" (Èö½¿) is not about fighting its about affection, its a kind of game, a tease, a test. It is something woman and children do . Between husband and wife it is a great show of affection, woman will only do it with the man she loves and we have to know how to play the game.

Exactly. The only reason I said it might cause a fight is if the man considers it to be "whining", i.e., doesn't react with love, but instead reacts with irritation, dismissiveness, condescension, or otherwise cold.

 

It is affection, it is a game. It implies great intimacy. If the male handles it right, it absolutely brings you closer.

[credzba]

I asked my wife about sa jiao and she tried to explain, but I was still too dumb.

 

So, then when we were talking about something and she pretended to whine she says "sa jiao" I say oh!

So, I am thinking I wont like sa jiao.

 

Later, we are talking about .. well something else, and she gives me this loving, inviting tone of voice, and she says sa jiao.. Now I think I like sa jiao.

 

All in all, I still don't have a clue exactly what this means, but I think maybe it will be a good thing.

[Joanne]

I asked my wife about sa jiao and she tried to explain, but I was still too dumb.

 

So, then when we were talking about something and she pretended to whine she says "sa jiao" I say oh!

So, I am thinking I wont like sa jiao.

 

Later, we are talking about .. well something else, and she gives me this loving, inviting tone of voice, and she says sa jiao.. Now I think I like sa jiao.

 

All in all, I still don't have a clue exactly what this means, but I think maybe it will be a good thing.

 

This is cute!

[Guest Rob & Jin]

I asked my wife about sa jiao and she tried to explain, but I was still too dumb.

 

So, then when we were talking about something and she pretended to whine she says "sa jiao" I say oh!

So, I am thinking I wont like sa jiao.

 

Later, we are talking about .. well something else, and she gives me this loving, inviting tone of voice, and she says sa jiao.. Now I think I like sa jiao.

 

All in all, I still don't have a clue exactly what this means, but I think maybe it will be a good thing.

 

This is cute!

The beauty of words and phrases like sa jiao and yuan fen is that you can't explain them, they just are and ya either get them or you don't. That's a good thing, especially when you finally get them!

 

YUAN FEN ? whats that

[DMikeS4321]

You guys are scaring me !!

 

I am married to a woman who I would do anything I can to make her happy.

Yet, when I read what you guys are saying, you may as well be talking rubbish.. I don't understand a thing your saying.

 

So, it scares me. What is it I need to know to make my wife happy?

I know you have tried to explain, and I read your words, but I dont understand at all

 

If someone can explain to me in really simple words, maybe I can get it?

 

I wouldn't worry. I think we're looking at individual differences as much as anything.

 

I'm married to a traditional Hakka girl. She comes from the "countryside" but is successful and open-minded. For reasons I don't understand, my wife worships me. I don't get it; the hardest part about knowing her is having to ratchet up my own self-esteem; I've just never been assertive in that way and, after some spectacularly failed marriages, I've gotten real used to "ducking and covering".

 

I fell in love with my wife almost immediately because of her kind, sweet and gentle demeanor, among other things (she's also extremely intelligent and so HOT!!!). It took me a while to figure out that she was indeed genuine and did indeed love me. In fact, it took me a while to even figure out what it MEANS to be loved by a woman.

 

As our relationship has continued I have developed as a husband. I would do ANYTHING for her and she knows it. She would do ANYTHING for me, and I know it. She has no temper, she demands nothing (but fidelity, not hard at all) and wants only to be loved in return. I've encountered extreme financial difficulties, starting about a year after we first met in person. We are united as one in everything we do, every problem we face and every opportunity God has and will give us. Her expectations are simple, mine are likewise. I can't even describe it, really. I suppose I've slipped a couple of times, said something that wasn't clear, maybe was a little less than considerate, but she never, ever says anything about it. She knows I love her, why even comment. I'm so besotted that I don't even notice; I swear, she has never done anthing that bothers me. So hard to believe, but so true. Love IS blind!

 

Different people have different ways of dealing with life. I think it is hard to generalize. As time goes on and I read more and more on Candle, I've come to realize how incredibly blessed I am to have found my wife. We are just so compatible that we truly are "two halves of a whole".

 

Once again, don't worry. AMafan is telling you how things are working in his relationship. Imagine all the different personalities types in the world, throw in cultural differences, then take that number and square it. That is the number of possible combinations. AMafan is doing a very good job of working with the personality and cultural differences facing his marriage. Some people have a more difficult road while some people seem to float above that road, not even having to walk. Almost everyone falls in between those two extremes.

 

Best Regards

[DMikeS4321]

I used to work with American women, British women, Filipina and their way of thinking and behavior is not much different from ours. We are all talkative, talking about kids, women's stuff. We talked about things which we don't want guys to hear. Women are women, universal.

 

You've nailed it, Eunice, as you so often do.

 

A good friend of mine, PhD in Psychology, once told me that female humans have more in common with female apes than with male humans, and male humans have more in common with male apes than with female humans. He was talking physiological differences and similarities. I tend to agree. There is a HUGE gap between men and women, their attitudes, feelings, biological and phsychological imperatives. It can be daunting or it can be fun. It's how we DEAL with the differences that makes it easy or hard, good or bad, but the differences are there. Best to recognize that, no?

[DMikeS4321]

But if I am so smart, why did I have so many problems with Yatou for so long?

 

Some people would say you are an idiot, some would say she is a bitch. THOSE people wouldn't be well suited to either one of you, would they? Cultural differences or no, personality plays such a HUGE part in all this. YOU have to be willing to learn about Sa Jiao, SHE has to be willing and patient while you do learn about it. Truth is, smart or not, you are working on the hardest puzzle of your life, as is she.

 

You ARE philosophical. I've been reading your posts for a long time now. You are deeply analytical. That is a credit to you and a blessing to your wife as she NEEDS someone to deal with these issues. See, you two ARE ideally suited to each other. She needs what you bring to the relationship and I think you are growing through your relationship with her.

 

You care so deeply; she obviously does too. THAT is what matters, that you two are working together.

[DMikeS4321]

It's not just language.. it's thinking and doing as difference.. it's a worldview which is also different. The good news is that I would guess the chinese adapt better (to the US as opposed to a USC moving to china).

 

I constantly tell people that the differences between China and the U.S. far, FAR exceed those that are often vaguely described as "cultural".

 

For a Westerner, being in China is more like being on a different PLANET!

 

I tend to agree with you, David. People in China do have a little more exposure to and understanding of American culture, if only on a superficial level. Even after being interested for years, I knew (and still know) very little about the Middle Kingdom. That is part of the fascination.

[SirLancelot]

I tend to agree with you, David. People in China do have a little more exposure to and understanding of American culture, if only on a superficial level. Even after being interested for years, I knew (and still know) very little about the Middle Kingdom. That is part of the fascination.

 

I'll support Mike on this. There is more awareness of American and Western culture in China but it's definitely on a more superficial level. It is not a true or deep understanding at all. But it's better than our understanding of China here, which mostly consist of images of Guilin hills and peasant farmers or the commie "Red Army" in TianAnMen Square massacring their own people.

 

I think most Americans will be quite surprised if told, sometimes this year, China overtakes Germany as the world's 3rd largest economy as calculated with GDP figures, behind the US and Japan.