Chinese Female Advice to Another Chinese Femal On Coming to America

[Urkidding]

When she was there and I was here, the biggest fib she told me was "I'll obey you". Since coming here, that's changed to "YOU must obey ME"!

 

What can I say... - just bow and say... I'm not worthy of you lao po!

[david_dawei]

I agree. I would trust Ping with my life. In fact, I am doing just that. But it is because she is smart, determined, eternally optimistic, positive, happy, and confident about life.

 

An astute observer will notice that I said nothing about beauty or sex appeal. Those may be important attributes, but I wouldn't bet my life on them.

Parts of life as you think you understood it will change...

 

I've said it before; trust is more important than truth... you must trust her.. let truth be more discovered (which is different slant and a more historical way of chinese culture).

 

I'm the same.. not going to talk about [her] beauty... doesn't buy me a cup of coffee... her pragmatic, business savvy will though

[michaelt]

Too much advice. She will tell you what she wants.

 

Did this come from Carl? Why does it sound like exactly what DavidZ would say?

 

For those who actually have their wives/fiancees in the US, I will accept their posts at face value. Some have been quite lucky to have Chinese women who have adapted relatively quickly and easily.

 

For the rest who still have their wives/fiancees in China, I would strongly urge you NOT to believe everything that is said over the phone or webcam and take that to be set in stone. Or try to set into stone what you heard over the phone/webcam. I believe you'll be very disappointed if you do.

 

As Tony pointed out, people change. It's a given. I believe 100% that most of the Chinese SOs have no idea what life will really be like in the US. No matter if they've seen 1000 photos of your home town and hundreds of videos of life in the US, they'll have no idea until they've actually lived it. Especially for the folks who live in more rural areas in the US where there's little to no Asians, there is no way you can or should believe your SO that it won't bother them not to see other Asian people. That's just ridiculous. For a race of people who are not use to seeing any laoweis and seeing 100% Chinese all day every day to suddenly be dropped into a strange place where there are no Asians, that will be bewildering to say the least.

 

America will be as strange to your SOs as China was strange to you the first time you went there.

 

I rarely talk about my wife because I like to keep our personal lives private but on this issue, I will disclose somethings, to use as a personal example.

 

My wife is from Shanghai, born and bred. She's relatively cosmopolitan compared with the rest of China. She lived with me for a while when I was in China and I had exposed her to a lot of western food. She worked at an education company which recruited foreigners to teach English in Shanghai. She was exposed to (and in fact managed) a group of loweis on a day to day basis. She was plenty exposed to the behavior of Americans. She embraced most things Western like so many of the urban youths in China today. She thought she would have no adjustment period to the US at all. She told me plenty of times in China not to be concerned and that she'd embrace the US easily and quickly.

 

Well, that was then, and this is now. After having been here 5 months, she's really starting to miss SH. We eat Chinese a lot at home, but she is still extremely hungry for real street food from SH. She's always talking about food from China. Even though she loves pizza, filet mignon and green salads, she's always talking about real Chinese food lately. I can sense how she's missing SH/China more and more. Additionally, she's talking more and more about going home for a visit sooner, rather than later. She's really starting to miss her parents--and her twin nieces. This has even surprised herself. She never thought she'd miss her parents as much as she does now. Speaking with her nieces on the phone can bring tears to her eyes. All of this is hitting her like she'd never have imagined. She admits she never thought she'd feel like this, but she does now.

 

I've disclosed all this for no other reason than to convey that Chinese people have no idea what life will be like prior to getting here. No matter how much you try to tell them, they really have no idea. It's only after they get here and have been here a month or two when reality will really sink in.

 

Too many CFL members have complained on here "But that's not what she told me when she was in China." "That's not what she said she wanted before." I've always hated reading those posts because how can you expect the Chinese ladies to foretell how their lives will be in the US when they really have no conception of what life will be like in the US. Even if she believes she knows, she really doesn't. It's like asking an American if he really understands what living in China for several years would be like if he's never been to China before. He can't! One can't sincerely expect our SOs to 100% keep to what they said back in China. If you do, you do at your own peril.

 

We've read stories such as Rak's and Jim's. I don't dispute their happy stories. Their ladies seem to have had a very easy adjustment, but there are plenty of stories which are either not told, or are only told on 001/002, where the adjustments have been miserable.

 

For all the folks advocating aggressive integration into the US culture, just imagine if you were to go live in China and had to always watch Chinese TV, always eat Chinese food, only befriend Chinese friends, and always conduct yourself with Chinese mannerism and etiquette. I think everyone, including myself, will utterly fail. So don't try to push this onto your SOs.

 

While I respect Jim_J very much and I hold his posts in high regards, I don't think his success with his wife will directly translate to everyone else. I support what he suggests in moderation, but I honestly believe the Chinese SO will be much happier to see a lot of Chinese things at home. Sawadee, being a Chinese SO, so eloquently described what it meant to her, even to have one Chinese newspaper or magazine. These kinds of small connections with the home country are truly priceless. They mean a great deal more than their actual cost in dollar amounts.

 

With all due respect to Sino and his lovely fiancee, I do find it very ironic that a Chinese lady who has been living in the US for three years being disregarded for giving--what I believe to be--wise advice. While it may indeed turn out that Sino's lovely fiancee won't need any of the things suggested by her friend in OR, I think what the friend suggested was very apropos. I would urge many of you to seriously consider what that Chinese lady said.

 

Yes, people are all different. But with all due respect, I certainly would take the advice of someone whose been living here for three years over someone who has not lived in the US for one day.

 

Just my two cents. Y'all are free to disagree.

 

As someone who's SO hasn't arrived yet, I find this post extremely enlightening. Not that those of others like JimJ aren't, they are. But whenever I've read a post about someone's SO who says she doesn't want much to do with anything Chinese when she gets here, I"ve always thought to myself that it sounds like she is saying what she thinks her SO wants to hear.

 

Lance's example of contrasting her coming here to live as opposed to us going there to do the same really makes the most sense to me. I've thought to myself after two visits that I could live in China easily. But when you really think about it in the terms Lance lays out, maybe not so easy. And the same goes for our SOs I think.

 

So I'll do as much as I can to prepare for her with her input and be ready to change ANYTHING after she's actually here.

Same here Dave. And if I come up with any enlightening ideas, I promise to share with all!!!

[david_dawei]

I agree. I would trust Ping with my life. In fact, I am doing just that. But it is because she is smart, determined, eternally optimistic, positive, happy, and confident about life.

 

An astute observer will notice that I said nothing about beauty or sex appeal. Those may be important attributes, but I wouldn't bet my life on them.

Parts of life as you think you understood it will change...

 

I've said it before; trust is more important than truth... you must trust her.. let truth be more discovered (which is different slant and a more historical way of chinese culture).

 

I'm the same.. not going to talk about [her] beauty... doesn't buy me a cup of coffee... her pragmatic, business savvy will though

Trust is more important than truth ... . I had never thought about that.

 

It fits nicely with my view that perception is more important than reality.

 

Beauty, as we all know, fades quickly. Honor, trust, respect, loyalty, and even intelligence, are much more lasting attributes.

 

One disturbing thought was given to me yesterday by the brilliant Chinese doctor who I dated briefly before I met Ping. She said that in her opinion most Chinese women are still bound by a tradition and culture that is dangerous because it will ruin their lives forever.

 

I told her that she is probably the most dangerous combination of beauty and brains I have ever met - except for Ping. She still chooses to be my friend, and I am grateful for her understanding and her continuing contributions to my effort to understand Chinese women.

I often question the perception of my reality, but rarely question the reality of my perceptions

 

The chinese doctor appears to still be inside a paradigm (perception) with boundaries and walls... on the inside, it is full of historical and cultural graffi... but the reality is, there is no wall, except in her mind.. she just hasn't figured that out yet. Is it the blue pill or the red pill... B)

[Joanne]

 

For the rest who still have their wives/fiancees in China, I would strongly urge you NOT to believe everything that is said over the phone or webcam and take that to be set in stone. Or try to set into stone what you heard over the phone/webcam. I believe you'll be very disappointed if you do.

 

 

To shorten the message, I only quoted part of Lance's post. Lance basically have said what I want to say.

 

Many (Chinese) females wish that you do something for her voluntarily while saying no need.

[Dennis143]

I often question the perception of my reality, but rarely question the reality of my perceptions

 

The chinese doctor appears to still be inside a paradigm (perception) with boundaries and walls... on the inside, it is full of historical and cultural graffi... but the reality is, there is no wall, except in her mind.. she just hasn't figured that out yet. Is it the blue pill or the red pill...

I think for many here, it's the blue pill.

[michaelt]

 

For the rest who still have their wives/fiancees in China, I would strongly urge you NOT to believe everything that is said over the phone or webcam and take that to be set in stone. Or try to set into stone what you heard over the phone/webcam. I believe you'll be very disappointed if you do.

 

 

To shorten the message, I only quoted part of Lance's post. Lance basically have said what I want to say.

 

Many (Chinese) females wish that you do something for her voluntarily while saying no need.

Amen to that! I must ask atleast 4 or 5 times before I get my Fang to finally tell me what she really wants. (or she's just trying to shut me up!)

No honestly, I believe it is considered polite etiquette for Chinese women to say "no" to accepting anything, or about their needs. I think soft persistance is sometimes necessary to find out what she really desires? Comments and thoughts?

[david_dawei]

 

For the rest who still have their wives/fiancees in China, I would strongly urge you NOT to believe everything that is said over the phone or webcam and take that to be set in stone. Or try to set into stone what you heard over the phone/webcam. I believe you'll be very disappointed if you do.

 

 

To shorten the message, I only quoted part of Lance's post. Lance basically have said what I want to say.

 

Many (Chinese) females wish that you do something for her voluntarily while saying no need.

Amen to that! I must ask atleast 4 or 5 times before I get my Fang to finally tell me what she really wants. (or she's just trying to shut me up!)

No honestly, I believe it is considered polite etiquette for Chinese women to say "no" to accepting anything, or about their needs. I think soft persistance is sometimes necessary to find out what she really desires? Comments and thoughts?

If you have to ask, then your not reading the situation/environment enough.. not that we have to be mind readers, but if you start to really pay attention, you will start to read her mind on some level...

 

The moral of the story is: she probably prefers not to be asked since it's an admission you don't know what to "do"...

[michaelt]

 

For the rest who still have their wives/fiancees in China, I would strongly urge you NOT to believe everything that is said over the phone or webcam and take that to be set in stone. Or try to set into stone what you heard over the phone/webcam. I believe you'll be very disappointed if you do.

 

 

To shorten the message, I only quoted part of Lance's post. Lance basically have said what I want to say.

 

Many (Chinese) females wish that you do something for her voluntarily while saying no need.

Amen to that! I must ask atleast 4 or 5 times before I get my Fang to finally tell me what she really wants. (or she's just trying to shut me up!)

No honestly, I believe it is considered polite etiquette for Chinese women to say "no" to accepting anything, or about their needs. I think soft persistance is sometimes necessary to find out what she really desires? Comments and thoughts?

If you have to ask, then your not reading the situation/environment enough.. not that we have to be mind readers, but if you start to really pay attention, you will start to read her mind on some level...

 

The moral of the story is: she probably prefers not to be asked since it's an admission you don't know what to "do"...

Interesting....and thank you David.

I always thought it was just the Chinese way? Somewhere a while ago, I had read that it takes atleast three offers of a gift (or several requests of her wants or desires) before it is accepted, or divulged. I experienced it first hand with my SO and her family when I visited. Didn't know if it was culture, manners or pride?

[david_dawei]

I always thought it was just the Chinese way? Somewhere a while ago, I had read that it takes atleast three offers of a gift (or several requests of her wants or desires) before it is accepted, or divulged. I experienced it first hand with my SO and her family when I visited. Didn't know if it was culture, manners or pride?

As to offering gifts or something.. yes be persistent if that's what you want.

 

I've gotten a little used to the 'game'... If I don't know some chinese too well or just formally, they will refuse something I offer. I have to present (push) it a few times.

 

I think this originates in the idea that someone doesn't want to be an imposition to you.. don't want you to feel like you have to do something (that's why some might downplay a gift given)... but our point of view is not that we have to do something but we want to... or better, that you do it because it's the natural thing to do...

[warpedbored]

If you have to ask, then your not reading the situation/environment enough.. not that we have to be mind readers, but if you start to really pay attention, you will start to read her mind on some level...

 

The moral of the story is: she probably prefers not to be asked since it's an admission you don't know what to "do"...

Is this the Zen version of a woman saying "if you loved me you would know"? My ex was very fond of saying that when I would ask her what it is she wants.

[griz326]

When my fiancee arrives in Eureka, Montana I am concerned that having more animals than people will alarm her. I have tried to prepare her, but I guess she will need to experience it for herself.

[C4Racer]

If you have to ask, then your not reading the situation/environment enough.. not that we have to be mind readers, but if you start to really pay attention, you will start to read her mind on some level...

 

The moral of the story is: she probably prefers not to be asked since it's an admission you don't know what to "do"...

Is this the Zen version of a woman saying "if you loved me you would know"? My ex was very fond of saying that when I would ask her what it is she wants.

 

I doubt it. I got the same crap from my ex. This is why we didn't make it. I don't get that from Lisa. Her thought is how do I know unless she tells me or reversed how does she know unless I tell her. What a woman.

[chilton747]

If you have to ask, then your not reading the situation/environment enough.. not that we have to be mind readers, but if you start to really pay attention, you will start to read her mind on some level...

 

The moral of the story is: she probably prefers not to be asked since it's an admission you don't know what to "do"...

Is this the Zen version of a woman saying "if you loved me you would know"? My ex was very fond of saying that when I would ask her what it is she wants.

 

I doubt it. I got the same crap from my ex. This is why we didn't make it. I don't get that from Lisa. Her thought is how do I know unless she tells me or reversed how does she know unless I tell her. What a woman.

 

My wife is EXACTLY the same way. Sometimes I will ask her why she tells me things I really do not want to hear. She says "if I no tell you then how you know what I think?" Yes indeed, WHAT A WOMAN!!!!!!!!

[Joanne]

It also depends on the message receptor, too. If you get upset every time you hear the negative views/news, then you will not be bothered with them for very long.