Another "cultural" question

[fortunecookie]

Hello All,

 

If you are tired of hearing from me - don't bother to read further. My last question drew a lot of fire - and I don't want this one to do the same. But this is a question that I really need to ask.

 

You will probably need to ask your better half about this - I doubt many of you will have any clue as to the correct answer - so please ask your wife and get back to me if you have any useable answer.

 

Is it "normal" in Chinese culture for other people (espcially Chinese women "friends" or "casual acquaintances" to stick their noses in other peoples business and try to cause trouble or even cause a divorce???

 

I always thought that in China the marriage was sacred.... And that it is very wrong for anybody to try and destroy a marriage of another. But I am receiving letters from people who know my wife and they are volunteering information about her (past mostly) that indicates that she was a bad person in China before she ever came here.

 

Any better understanding of this matter will help me a great deal.

 

Thanks All,

FC

[Dan R]

Hello All,

 

If you are tired of hearing from me - don't bother to read further. My last question drew a lot of fire - and I don't want this one to do the same. But this is a question that I really need to ask.

 

You will probably need to ask your better half about this - I doubt many of you will have any clue as to the correct answer - so please ask your wife and get back to me if you have any useable answer.

 

Is it "normal" in Chinese culture for other people (espcially Chinese women "friends" or "casual acquaintances" to stick their noses in other peoples business and try to cause trouble or even cause a divorce???

 

I always thought that in China the marriage was sacred.... And that it is very wrong for anybody to try and destroy a marriage of another. But I am receiving letters from people who know my wife and they are volunteering information about her (past mostly) that indicates that she was a bad person in China before she ever came here.

 

Any better understanding of this matter will help me a great deal.

 

Thanks All,

FC

 

Jealousy abounds perhaps even more in China then in the U.S. For someone to go out of their way to ruin something for someone else it is almost sure to be jealousy. Unless there is something to be gained by someone else by ruining the marriage. As for sacred, your marriage should be sacred to you, it is not of much concern to others. until recently marriage in China was strictly a civil arrangement not religious.

Use reserve in calling things in China sacred.

[SmilingAsia]

Her enemy may have tried to destroy her relationship with you.

Logically the enemy would tell you things that existed. The enemy didn't tend to invent or create things otherwise she'd get slapped.

[Randy W]

This is not unique to China, by any means, nor is it "normal" anywhere.

 

I'm sure most of us had some experience or at least knowledge of this sort of thing from our high school days.

 

Some of it may simply be good intentioned "alerts".

[tonado]

In China, there are more people more square feet than most places. Thus, gossips go around the neighborhood. Some will be your friends and some will be your enemies.

[yuehan123]

My wife said "what for to ask this question?" "You can have many answers, either you know or you don't the person who sent you the letter. Then you already know the answer. You married your wife, you can already see if she is terrible or not. This kind of thing is normal for some people, it is not normal for us because we don't have any bad thing in our past. You know your wife very well. Is she like this or not? Of course, somebody might have some reason to do this. What difference does it make? You married your wife, you know what she is like."

[mchina34]

Hello All,

 

If you are tired of hearing from me - don't bother to read further. My last question drew a lot of fire - and I don't want this one to do the same. But this is a question that I really need to ask.

 

You will probably need to ask your better half about this - I doubt many of you will have any clue as to the correct answer - so please ask your wife and get back to me if you have any useable answer.

 

Is it "normal" in Chinese culture for other people (espcially Chinese women "friends" or "casual acquaintances" to stick their noses in other peoples business and try to cause trouble or even cause a divorce???

 

I always thought that in China the marriage was sacred.... And that it is very wrong for anybody to try and destroy a marriage of another. But I am receiving letters from people who know my wife and they are volunteering information about her (past mostly) that indicates that she was a bad person in China before she ever came here.

 

Any better understanding of this matter will help me a great deal.

 

Thanks All,

FC

 

 

I'm not the better half, but I know the answer - jealousy and/or revenge.

 

Why, is your question to ask her.

Edited April 29, 2007 by mchina34 (see edit history)

[Cathy]

Believe what you find out and what your mind/heart tells you.

 

There is an old Chinese saying and it is still practised nowadays that, we would prefer to tear down 10 temples rather than breaking up a marriage. It shows marriage is very important in Chinese life. People would try to counsel the problems subjectively and bring the two parties together. And China is progressing too. People do can accept the idea of divorce when it is decided.

 

What other people say about your wife is not important. It is crucial that how you see her. Even people have the past, they still deserve a chance to start it again. I don't think anyone could be smart enough to grab a red flag in time and make a final decision when it happens for the first time. So in life, we are also giving ourselves another chance to learn. What brings our attention is not what is happening, but its frequency or a pattern of the happening.

 

You can't control what other people could do for you or for your wife, but you do can control how to responde it.

[Joanne]

My feeling is, in general, it at least worths concern if somebodies go out of their way to tell you about your wife.

 

Take myself for example. I cann't imagine anyone would want to tell my husband about me. I have got nothing to hide from him, except visiting CFL so frequently (which is called forum addiction).

Edited April 30, 2007 by Joanne (see edit history)

[sawadee]

Chinese people may stick their nose in others business, but normally we will not to break a marriage. It is considered immoral to do that.

[fortunecookie]

Chinese people may stick their nose in others business, but normally we will not to break a marriage. It is considered immoral to do that.

 

Thanks for replying.......

 

This is precisely my concern. Some people in china who at least know her casually are trying to break the marriage up. They tried back before she got her visa and came here - and are trying again now that they know we are "seperated".

 

It is either the information is true and they want me to know this - or they have false information - or they are just trying (for some reason) to cause trouble. My heart thinks one way - my mind thinks another way. If it becomes a draw - I tend to think I will continue to ignore the "friends".

 

I have received some very good comments here that does help a great deal. Thank you all.

 

FC