I am facing a dilemma

[ameriken]

Honestly, if it were me, I'd move on.

I think I personally would do the same.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. If you were the one thinking about moving to China to marry her......if you really truly loved her, would you actually tell her 'lets split and just be friends'?

 

How much or how little love would you have for a woman to actually tell her 'lets split'? Ask yourself......would you actually tell someone you truly love and want to spend your life with that 'its over'??

 

We all suffer doubts and insecurities about a relationship....moreso in this intercontinental, cross cultural relationship. Especially the women, because they are the ones giving up their lives to start a new life with a man who is maybe 10,000 miles away. She can have the worries and doubts, but when true love is there, love will help her find a way to work through the worries and insecurities with you. Yes, the worries may be there, but I very highly doubt she would actually want to split with someone she was deeply in love with.

 

We cannot tell you what to do. It is your life, your decision, your risks, your relationship. But based on my own miserable similar past experiences, if I were told 'lets split and just be friends'....for those words to be uttered from the heart and mouth, to me are the kiss of death to the relationship. I have learned that you cannot make someone love you....love must be natural and free, not forced or coerced.

 

If it were me, based on what you have told us, I do believe I also would move on.

Edited March 31, 2007 by ameriken (see edit history)

[ameriken]

And by the way chinchillax, there was a former member who experienced a similar situation. Many people told him to go there, show her how much he loved her, do this for her, do that for her, etc etc etc, but in the end she was very reluctant to move to the US with him. I believe she also said 'lets split'....in this case it was divorce.

 

Well, it appeared that he did a lot to convince her to give it a chance, because she finally came, though it appeared to be reluctant. From all that I have heard through the grapevine, he and she are both very miserable right now, and I believe it is headed for divorce.

 

chinchillax....many words in this thread, and perhaps just my own, are pretty harsh. I hope you dont misunderstand....we all want to see you succeed in a relationship filled with happiness, trust, confidence, and love with the woman of your dreams, who knows you are the man of her dreams. We dont want to see you end up in a similar disaster full of pain and hurt. We wish you the best........

Edited March 31, 2007 by ameriken (see edit history)

[SheLikesME?]

I just got done talking to her dad and some friends of hers. They tell me she is unsure about her future here in the US and is afraid I won't give her unconditional love. She thinks I will only care about work and making money and not care about her or family. I've been thinking a lot lately about this....family should should come first and not money that comes second. Also I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn.

 

Also, I may have hurt her by saying bad things about China and such i.e. getting married just for green cards and money. Though I told her this happens to some, not everyone is like this. Her family is very well to be there, so no need to think that of her. I also told her i won't think that anymore and she accepted it. I just need to understand her more, and thats one thing her father mentioned is differences in culture. I am chinese born and raised in America, she is chinese born and raised in China. So things and thinking are different, but that maybe a barrier....hopefully one that can be overcome.

 

 

As for myself, I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn. I have to improve myself.

You need to put your 'self' aside and put her first... I think you've come to some understanding that you don't know her well enough, and as was said, she is talking quite normal on some level.

 

If you want to be sure about the relationship you should go see her. If I were in your shoes, I might ask my parents to go as well... let both sides of the family get together, etc. If it's not meant to be, then say your good-byes in person.

David I agree and it is why I asked his age.

 

ChinChilLax I like your last line. Whether you expand on this or not is up to you. We don't know you very well and probably never will know her side of the story, except what you care to tell us.

 

I know my wife desires me to think of her needs 100%. In a better way she demands as much or more than an American woman in noticing her needs that she prefers I figure out without her telling me. Yet she gets scolding mad if I overspend or use credit. Hard work is fine, but make time for dinner together and walks and vacations and real happy enjoyment with the family. I never saw a harder working woman in my life, YET she is just as enthusiastic for family play time. Do you 2 enjoy each others company and goofing off together?

 

How do I put it? I have a sweet mouth, as she says, but hard work to bring home the money to care for her really makes her feel loved. Hard work around the house. Planning on weekend fun and doing it. Being good at romance. She wants all of this. But she gives back more than I can give, I feel. Very strange for me. Not sure if I said what I intend here.

[izus]

have you proposed to her yet?

 

does she have a ring?

 

i talked with ChunYan about this and she said that if i had not proposed the first time i visited her she would not have thought i was serious.

[izus]

 

How much or how little love would you have for a woman to actually tell her 'lets split'? Ask yourself......would you actually tell someone you truly love and want to spend your life with that 'its over'??

 

how many of us actually have true love before the girl moves to the us and we begin our lives.....

 

i mean i barely knew my girl, i knew her as much as she wanted me to know her...

we would say "i love you" when we hang up the phone, but did we truely love each other. i mean we barely knew each other.

 

relationships like this takes more trust and faith then normal relationships do. only because there is no physical contact whatsoever.

it takes a certain kind of person to get through this procedure.

 

thats why i say put it all out on the line....

or dont do it at all.

ask yourself is she worth the risk?

if you think for one minute shes not....

then giveup

Edited March 31, 2007 by izus (see edit history)

[SheLikesME?]

have you proposed to her yet?

 

does she have a ring?

 

i talked with ChunYan about this and she said that if i had not proposed the first time i visited her she would not have thought i was serious.

I believe my wife would have been very sadly disapointed if we did not mary on that first trip. We figured a K-1 before I went over, but once in each others presence........marriage was the right thing to do. But then she went nuts over me too. I certainly didn't deserve it, but.... She doesn't let herself look back very much. She has been sorely tested, and I don't say that lightly. Lot of chalanges for her to come here. If I had known then what I do now? I would have prepared much better first. Lot of responsibility to care for them once they are here. Lot of burdon on us USCs. Not complaining, just wish I had prepared more.

Edited March 31, 2007 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[Guest knloregon]

Chinchillax,

 

At the top of this thread I thought your relationship was doomed. Now I'm not so sure.

 

You have a few things in your favor. 1. Her family supports you. 2. There can't be much of an age difference between you two (which is sometimes a reason a Chinese woman will back out.) 3. You were introduced through family. 4. You speak at least some Chinese, even if her English isn''t that good.. or confident.

 

Things to consider: You should have NEVER questioned her motives for being with you----why would you EVER assume (even mention) that she (or someone else) wanted you for a green card? ---Even if you didn't express that exactly, don't you see that it destroys a certain level of trust? I can see where a very conservitive woman would back out over this alone.

 

In your visits to China, did you listen to her about her concerns (and fears) about America? Even with graphic description of what American life is REALLY like, many Chiense women arrive unprepared. Mine did, and she was an English major, and teacher in China.

 

If I were in your shoes, and if you really love her, I would suggest this to her: "I will come to China, if you want, for as long as it takes. Just to be with you. If you decide to come to the US, good. If not, I will be with you in China."

 

1. That will certainly make an impression on her (are you sincere?--yes.) 2. It will also allow her family---and you to get together on this----that is a powerful force in China.

[SirLancelot]

I am new here, but I need help, she recently changed her mind and told me to not send in the forms.....now she is worried about so many things about this precedure. She is saying she will have a hard time adapting in the US. Also, she is saying that marriage is risky, a lot of pressure, and a lot of committment. She is wondering if we can even get along once married or will we have problems because of cultural differences and such. Another problem is she is very shy and very to herself (wants to have everything her way), sometimes she has a hard time to express herself. She wants to split up and doesn't feel like getting married. Her parents and relatives all want her to be with me, but what to do?

 

I'll give her time to cool off.....she thinks sometimes I don't understand her.

 

Anything I can do?

 

My impression is that she has another "true love" she's beholden to.

 

You have everything working on your side: 1) Chinese American. 2) Her parent's blessing. 3) Understanding of Chinese culture, even if you are raised in the US. 4) Can speak Chinese. 5) No age difference.

 

This should be a perfect match on paper. The only thing that would hinder this match would be no chemistry between you two or she has a boy she loves more in China. If her family has already begun to think of you as her husband, then in my opinion the only possibility is that she does not truly love you or that she has a deeper love for another boy in China. Otherwise you'd be a trophy husband and she should be quite pleased to be marrying you.

 

My suggestion is that you try to get in touch with a couple of her close friends and really dig to find out if she has another BF that she really loves. Are the parents forcing her to marry you? I personally don't think a relationship will work out in the end if the parents are forcing one, or both parties into this marriage.

 

You need to find the root cause of this problem before you can resolve it. My suspicion is that there's another boy but only you can find that out.

 

Best wishes with resolving this dilemma.

[chinchillax]

she now decided she doesn't want to come. I guess time to move on.

 

Her parents still love me a lot, but still they can't force her to be with me. Ultimately, its her decision. I respect that. Hopefully, she decides to be with me, but the way things are now I heavily doubt that will be the case. She doesn't listen to her parents that much anymore so it won't help.

 

She doesn't want to leave China or her family members there.

Edited April 3, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

She doesn't want to leave China or her family members there.

I think that is understandable... not everyone is interested to leave China... my wife never wanted to have a foreign bf... never wanted to leave china.

 

When her mom died (who was ill for 10 years), it was a devasting blow to her (her father had already died). I honestly think that this was the main reason she left (feeling a hugh void in her life); had her mom not died, I'm not sure it would of worked out in the US... she would of felt the weight of 'mom in china' too much.

[chinchillax]

Her family, relatives, and even some of her friends wanted her to goto America to be with me. However, I don't know what she was thinking in her mind.....she doesn't tell me or tell her parents her true thoughts. She has a hard time expressing herself a lot and doesn't talk much, shy. I am not clear on why, but she told me its risky to come to an unknown place she never been to and marry someone and be way from all her family members, but she never told me specifically.

Edited April 3, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[Stone]

Her family, relatives, and even some of her friends wanted her to goto America to be with me. However, I don't know what she was thinking in her mind.....she doesn't tell me or tell her parents her true thoughts. She has a hard time expressing herself a lot and doesn't talk much, shy. I am not clear on why, but she told me its risky to come to an unknown place she never been to and marry someone and be way from all her family members, but she never told me specifically.

How does she like the idea that you move to China to live with her in the foreseeable future, since you speak Chinese and is a Chinese American?

 

On the other hand, if you try very hard and finally she comes here to be with you, and you two are not happy living together, then let me tell you this: divorce will be an extremely painful and hurtful experience, the last something you want to happened to you in the world. Through my four years of dating with my wife, she never used the word "split".

[chinchillax]

Though I am not sure if the pressure from her parents got to her thinking this was an "arranged" marriage. Sometimes I wondered if she ever loved from the heart and thought her family was pressuring her to marry me. That may have regret in the end on her part, which made her decision.

 

The previous two gf's I had tried to come back to me even after we parted ways. They email me and stuff, but I told them I am taken.

 

We'll see, she may move on or she may come back to me.

 

Maybe she is just in this long period of thought, she knows I am a really caring person, a good Christian, respectful, and honest, etc. She even told me I am all those, we'll see what she does. I never abuse and I avoid tempers and arguments. I don't think she can find a guy that has all those attributes in China.

Edited April 3, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[tywy_99]

Well, however it may turn out, good luck to you, chinchillax.

[ameriken]

Sometimes I wondered if she ever loved from the heart and thought her family was pressuring her to marry me.

After you made your original post, this is what I was afraid may be the truth.

 

Just so this doesnt happen again to you, might I suggest something?

 

http://www.doclove.com/

 

His name is a cheesy one, but he really has a lot of awesome principles for finding the right girl, and recognizing if she really loves you. I bought it after my divorce and a subsequent failed relationship, and it helped me avoid further catastrophe, as well as recognize warning signals that could get you in trouble with a woman who may not be as serious as you are. It also helps you recognize when a woman is truly interested in you (not vice versa).

 

A woman who is absolutely in love with her man, will not make excuses why she cannot be with him. She will be there, she will find him, and she will help make the relationship happen.

 

Now its time to move forward......and find such a woman who will really love you and want to be with you without excuse! Good luck!

Edited April 3, 2007 by ameriken (see edit history)