I am facing a dilemma

[Dennis143]

As some of you know, my former SO got cold feet at the 11th hour. It was too big challenge for. She was Director/Controller of a bank. She held a fairly high position in the party. She had a lot to give up and her future was promising. She looked and found the smallest things to worry about and turn them into red flags, in her mind. In the end, I understood that I can never lose what I truly never had.

 

Give her space? Yes. That means no emails. No phone calls. No correspondence for a few days. Tough to do after being conditioned doing it for so long, but you've got to let her breath and think things through. It's her call not yours. And, no amount of pleading and cajoling is going to change her mind, especially after this long of time together.

 

Just my very humble opinion...

 

Good luck and stay strong.

 

she already said she wants to be friends and split, you think she might come back to me after giving her some space?

 

what is SO? and did you run into problems with her Dennis?

Although she continued to tell me to 'just believe', I could sense things had changed. Her emails slowed and it became difficult for me to just continue to JUST BELIEVE on blind faith alone. I traveled to her. We went to Bei Hai to reunite our love. Yet, in the end the love was gone. And, we parted ways.

 

Your ending could be different. I would go with the advice of others and back away for a few days and see if loosing you is important to her or not. What else can you do?

[Randy W]

My wife is a former SO.

[ameriken]

Do you want a woman who wants to come here of her own free will and choice, or a woman who was "convinced" to come here?

 

I think the best advice given here is to back off completely...as someone said, no emails, no calls, nothing. Dead silence. Meanwhile, move on with life. Date/talk to other women.

 

If she loves you.....I mean truly loves you......the silence will drive her crazy and you will hear from her soon.

 

However, IMO, once a woman says lets split, then in her heart, its over. A woman in love doesnt say lets split. If she doesnt love you anymore, and you try to be too forward, like sending flowers, calling, emailing, it likely will not change her mind.

 

Just tell her "OK, goodbye" and see how she reacts.

 

And yes, a lot of this advice is coming from divorced men who have gone thru the same things......getting dumped, and perhaps we have learned the warning signs. I personally know that when she says its over, the more you try to get her back, the more you push her away, and the more you lose your own dignity.

 

As for going to China? Big gamble....whether its her or someone else, save the trip for the person who is sure she wants to be with you.

 

But you know your relationship the best. Its your decision.

Edited March 30, 2007 by ameriken (see edit history)

[Joanne]

so just let her cool off and think it over? I know her parents keep telling her to be with me, they already treat me as their son. Does that make matters worse, since the pressure being put upon her?

 

Will she come back to me and want me to start the procedure? I know she has a heart for me, its just she worry about so many things.....especially being marriage is risky and takes a lot of committment....and she is a generally shy person and has a hard time to express herself. Her english is okay, she is able to understand quite a bit, but has a hard time to speak it. I am able to speak chinese to her though.

 

I never give advive lol lol I hate to. Sounds like to me that you too have a good head on your shoulders, you have answered a few of your own questions already. Hell you never know about things, maybe she had a bad day at work, bad dream, the time of month thing going on give her a few days. If you feel the need to catch a flight to China to go see her by all means do it if it is within your budget and you have vacation time. Just remember the people here giving you advice are mostly divorced and could not make there other marriages work lol lol.

 

There could be many different possibilities:

- it could be just like she said, she was not sure she could adjust to her new life in US. If this is indeed the case, more confidence from you are called for. Because she needs a husband as persistant as AMafan (a CFL member) and would stick with her to get through the difficult times. And in such case, readily back off from you is just what she feared.

 

- it could be due to a third party, then you would better let her go her way.

 

- it could very much be like what Mike suggested, a bad day, bad dream, monthly Psychological swing (a temperory symptom of depression)....Then, it is better to provide some comforting word and give her a few days to recover. In such case, you really don't need to get logical with her. But don't use hurtful words to leave a bad trace to be recalled in future.

 

......

You might have better idea than the rest of us about the root cause. Hope it is only a temporary state. Best wishes!

[chilton747]

Also, do not discount the fact that there might be things going on with her that you do not know about. Cross cultural relationships are full of the unknowns.

[chinchillax]

I just got done talking to her dad and some friends of hers. They tell me she is unsure about her future here in the US and is afraid I won't give her unconditional love. She thinks I will only care about work and making money and not care about her or family. I've been thinking a lot lately about this....family should should come first and not money that comes second. Also I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn.

 

Also, I may have hurt her by saying bad things about China and such i.e. getting married just for green cards and money. Though I told her this happens to some, not everyone is like this. Her family is very well to be there, so no need to think that of her. I also told her i won't think that anymore and she accepted it. I just need to understand her more, and thats one thing her father mentioned is differences in culture. I am chinese born and raised in America, she is chinese born and raised in China. So things and thinking are different, but that maybe a barrier....hopefully one that can be overcome.

 

 

As for myself, I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn. I have to improve myself.

Edited March 30, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[tywy_99]

Alot of good advice, chinchillax.

Most of is advises to back off which is good to an extent. She may just have "cold feet" about marriage and the uncertainty of moving to another country and culture.

My advice to you would be to go see her again and feel out the situation for yourself. Have a "heart to heart" conversation with her and see how she feels. She may need to see your love and confidence before making such a decision as marrying and leaving her country. Or, she might not love you at all, but afterwards, I think from the talk, you'll be able to tell.

"Go for it!" Go see her!...

It's best to find out for yourself now then to find out later.

[ameriken]

Its great that you are able to get some answers. It sounds like you are doing some introspection and self-improvement......congratulations and welcome to the club! Its a lifetime challenge and you can only become a better person by doing that.

 

You said she is afraid you wont give her unconditional love. IMO, there is another equally important question you may want answered: will her love also be unconditional and unselfish?

 

You also said "things and thinking are different, but that maybe a barrier....hopefully one that can be overcome." If the love is equal, giving, and unconditional on both sides, then I think YES....you can overcome virtually any problem.

 

Everyone here is giving you their opinions, suggestions, and experiences, and they are all excellent. But you have to decide which is best for your situation. You know your relationship better than any of us, so take in everything you read, digest it, learn from it, understand it, and then decide how to move forward.

 

We are all behind you.....please keep us up to date...we really wish you the best and hope this is just a bump in the road to a lifetime of happiness! Ken

 

 

I just got done talking to her dad and some friends of hers. They tell me she is unsure about her future here in the US and is afraid I won't give her unconditional love. She thinks I will only care about work and making money and not care about her or family. I've been thinking a lot lately about this....family should should come first and not money that comes second. Also I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn.

 

Also, I may have hurt her by saying bad things about China and such i.e. getting married just for green cards and money. Though I told her this happens to some, not everyone is like this. Her family is very well to be there, so no need to think that of her. I also told her i won't think that anymore and she accepted it. I just need to understand her more, and thats one thing her father mentioned is differences in culture. I am chinese born and raised in America, she is chinese born and raised in China. So things and thinking are different, but that maybe a barrier....hopefully one that can be overcome.

 

 

As for myself, I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn. I have to improve myself.

[dnoblett]

chinchillax:

 

Welcome to candle, glad to see good advice given, and taken. The members on this board are much more mature, and concerned about cross-cultural relationships as opposed to just the immigration process it- self, like over on VJ.

 

Listen to their console they have much to share!

[SheLikesME?]

I just got done talking to her dad and some friends of hers. They tell me she is unsure about her future here in the US and is afraid I won't give her unconditional love. She thinks I will only care about work and making money and not care about her or family. I've been thinking a lot lately about this....family should should come first and not money that comes second. Also I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn.

 

Also, I may have hurt her by saying bad things about China and such i.e. getting married just for green cards and money. Though I told her this happens to some, not everyone is like this. Her family is very well to be there, so no need to think that of her. I also told her i won't think that anymore and she accepted it. I just need to understand her more, and thats one thing her father mentioned is differences in culture. I am chinese born and raised in America, she is chinese born and raised in China. So things and thinking are different, but that maybe a barrier....hopefully one that can be overcome.

 

As for myself, I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn. I have to improve myself.

chinchillax, I like this last post of yours. I had been to China 2 times on business and just fell in love with the people and I guess the culture, and care people gave each other. I would prefer to live there in that culture even if living on a teachers salary.

 

Then one day I found myself single again. After some time alone and in need of moving forward there was only one clear place to look for friends and possible wife for me. I feel bad for those who have never been there at least once before meeting their gf/bf/SO/wife/husband whatever.

 

Maybe read around in CFL of some of our stories and struggles. Go back a few years on a few people maybe. Dennis was the first one to pop in my head when I read your first post. But it looks like you may have some hope.

 

Others of us have had wives with strugles to adjust to us and or America. Some of the women have posted this as well.

 

Looks like she needs reassurance and your kindness and patience. Oh, and never say anything about how much she eats and that perhaps you could set her in the yard to keep the grass mowed. I really hurt my wifes feelings trying to joke one time. They don't exactly joke the same way, unless your married to Mikey. He can get away with anything, to here him tell it.

 

PS: Wlecome to CFL and tell us more about yourself, if you care to. What is your age and stage in life? Have either of you been married before? Has she ever traveled out of CHina. Does she know english or you Chinese? Overall it looks like you care enough to ask around and get answers. Hang in there, relax, shoot the bull, etc, etc.

[chinchillax]

 

PS: Wlecome to CFL and tell us more about yourself, if you care to. What is your age and stage in life? Have either of you been married before? Has she ever traveled out of CHina. Does she know english or you Chinese? Overall it looks like you care enough to ask around and get answers. Hang in there, relax, shoot the bull, etc, etc.

 

I've been on VJ boards for a while, and was told about CFL.

 

I am 26 years old, never been married. This girl I know through a co-worker in that used to work for my parent's business, since she has a relative attending Harvard and others back in China. She does know some english, but its sometimes hard for her to speak it....kinda embarassed to speak. I am a chinese that was born and raised in the US. I mainly speak english, but my chinese is pretty good.

Edited March 31, 2007 by chinchillax (see edit history)

[SheLikesME?]

 

PS: Wlecome to CFL and tell us more about yourself, if you care to. What is your age and stage in life? Have either of you been married before? Has she ever traveled out of CHina. Does she know english or you Chinese? Overall it looks like you care enough to ask around and get answers. Hang in there, relax, shoot the bull, etc, etc.

 

I've been on VJ boards for a while, and was told about CFL.

 

I am 26 years old, never been married. This girl I know through a co-worker in that used to work for my parent's business, since she has a relative attending Harvard and others back in China. She does know some english, but its sometimes hard for her to speak it....kinda embarassed to speak. I am a chinese that was born and raised in the US. I mainly speak english, but my chinese is pretty good.

Wish both of you the very best. Relationships are in all forms. You can back off for cooling off or do as your doing and get enough dialog going to get to the root of the problems. If no love or liking it is one thing, if lack of understanding it is another.

 

Just a thought. My wife demands that the family is together for dinner. She cuts me some slack on work, but expects me to work hard so I have family time with her and our daughter, and to help with chores in the house and her to adapt to things in USA. How much time do you have? Heck I could let my job consume for 24-7 if zI wanted.

 

Again wish you the very best however it works out.

Edited March 31, 2007 by SheLikesME? (see edit history)

[izus]

 

PS: Wlecome to CFL and tell us more about yourself, if you care to. What is your age and stage in life? Have either of you been married before? Has she ever traveled out of CHina. Does she know english or you Chinese? Overall it looks like you care enough to ask around and get answers. Hang in there, relax, shoot the bull, etc, etc.

 

I've been on VJ boards for a while, and was told about CFL.

 

I am 26 years old, never been married. This girl I know through a co-worker in that used to work for my parent's business, since she has a relative attending Harvard and others back in China. She does know some english, but its sometimes hard for her to speak it....kinda embarassed to speak. I am a chinese that was born and raised in the US. I mainly speak english, but my chinese is pretty good.

 

how long did you know her before you traveled to meet her?

maybe your chick just isnt ready to get married, maybe shes just getting cold feet....maybe she met someone else.

could be anything.

 

i dont know where i read it on this thread but i say its all about the risks... i was engaged right from the 3rd day i layed my eyes on my beauty, i went to china knowing what i wanted and made her understand this.

 

i say she needs to see your face again asap and if your serious, bring a ring already if you have not yet. throw yourself out there. give everythng you got and then give more

 

best of luck

[Dennis143]

This thread and your question has got me thinking about my advise to back off a bit. Joanne, as well as others, posed several good possibilities and suggestions.

 

When the bond is not completely secure these can be very difficult and risky relationships, to say the least.

 

Back off and give her space? Maybe that will make her even less secure about you and drive her further away or maybe she will realize how much she misses you and the opportunity to change her life.

 

Travel to her and show her how much you love her? At 26, I wonder how financially set you are to spend time and money chasing and hitching a dream on someone who is already giving you signals that she is not sure about marriage with you.

 

How can you 'convince' someone half way around the world, with language difficulties and all that you are a good man?

 

This dilemna hits to the core of the difficulties in the courtships of these relationship. I doubt if there is any 'right' answer on how to deal with this. In the end, I suppose you can only trust your heart and instincts. And, only you know how much you are willing to risk your heart, not to mention your wallet too.

 

Honestly, if it were me, I'd move on.

[david_dawei]

I just got done talking to her dad and some friends of hers. They tell me she is unsure about her future here in the US and is afraid I won't give her unconditional love. She thinks I will only care about work and making money and not care about her or family. I've been thinking a lot lately about this....family should should come first and not money that comes second. Also I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn.

 

Also, I may have hurt her by saying bad things about China and such i.e. getting married just for green cards and money. Though I told her this happens to some, not everyone is like this. Her family is very well to be there, so no need to think that of her. I also told her i won't think that anymore and she accepted it. I just need to understand her more, and thats one thing her father mentioned is differences in culture. I am chinese born and raised in America, she is chinese born and raised in China. So things and thinking are different, but that maybe a barrier....hopefully one that can be overcome.

 

 

As for myself, I need to not be that self-centered and stubborn. I have to improve myself.

You need to put your 'self' aside and put her first... I think you've come to some understanding that you don't know her well enough, and as was said, she is talking quite normal on some level.

 

If you want to be sure about the relationship you should go see her. If I were in your shoes, I might ask my parents to go as well... let both sides of the family get together, etc. If it's not meant to be, then say your good-byes in person.