Advice please

[sfarkas103]

I would appreciate some guidance here. I met my wife in 2002 in China, she was my student at first and then after she no longer was we dated. We had lived together in China the 14 months leading up to her K-1 visa and are now in the USA (for 6 months). I am concerened as she tells no one we are married, outside of those necessary for her green card (she is now in conditional status). She receives emails from friend's in China asking what's new; no mention of being married or being in the USA. She used to claim it was because she was embarassed being with her former teacher, not a valid excuse to me as most of these emails from friends are pre or post college so they have no idea about our former status as teacher/student. I have asked her about this repeatedly but receive no valid answer, if one at all. Any idea what is going on here? Thank you

[frank1538]

Just curious how she refers to you in her e-mails or on the phone and what type of marriage ceremony you had in the US.

 

I've been "lao gong" ever since our ceremonial wedding in China. The actual civil marriage in the US was a non event for Jingwen.

[sfarkas103]

We do not speak on the phone or email as she lives here with me in the US. We had a civil "non-event" ceremony in January, mutually agreed upon. As earlier stated we have been together a decent length of time and lived together in China for over a year before coming to the US together.

[david_dawei]

My wife (who came on a k1) was originally going to come to the US without telling her family (particularly her mother and oldest brother; oldest sister was to know).. Long story short; her mother died and that changed plans.. everyone knew by the time she left.

 

You have to make a very clear distinction if you are encountering relationship problems or just having a mental block about this...

 

There can be deep embarrassements for certain things.. maybe we just won't understand them or certainly we wouldn't concern ourselves with them..

 

What i did was completely let it go and leave it in my wife's hands (at that time).. it's her issue and she was dealing with something that I never to this day got out of her, and I don't plan on trying to. My wife often says to me, "it's my issue, I take care of it" as to the reason why she might not tell me something, and I respect that.

 

I think the important thing is that she feels comfortable and secure in the US.. Is she working or too idle ? Does she talk about going back to China? There's a whole life ahead to build.. don't let it stumble on one issue like this (IMO).

[sfarkas103]

I try not to push the issue but it is starting to concern me. She is anything but idle, she works 40 hours a week at a respected law firm as a legal aide (she has superb English skills). We live in a comfortable home within a 20 minute drive of a metropolitan area, a clean environment, blah-blah. No talk of returning to China, but she spends the bulk of her time watching Chinese movies online or just at the computer on Chinese websites. There are a good many Chinese here in the community, several of whom she works with and others we have met through friends so I doubt there is any homesick issues. I just did not understand that when a friend of hers (post-college) wrote from Beijing and said she gotten married and had a child and asked my wife what was new she mentioned nothing of our marriage or that she was in the USA. I asked her nicely out of curiosity and I got no response. This is/was not an isolated incidence.

[Guest pushbrk]

I would appreciate some guidance here.  I met my wife in 2002 in China, she was my student at first and then after she no longer was we dated.  We had lived together in China the 14 months leading up to her K-1 visa and are now in the USA (for 6 months). I am concerened as she tells no one we are married, outside of those necessary for her green card (she is now in conditional status).  She receives emails from friend's in China asking what's new; no mention of being married or being in the USA.  She used to claim it was because she was embarassed being with her former teacher, not a valid excuse to me as most of these emails from friends are pre or post college so they have no idea about our former status as teacher/student.  I have asked her about this repeatedly but receive no valid answer, if one at all.  Any idea what is going on here?  Thank you

226055[/snapback]

It may be as simple as her considering her personal life, personal. While this may not seem valid to you because your values are different, I would be careful about characterizing her values as invalid.

 

If she doesn't want to tell acquaintances, she married her former teacher, I can understand that. If it was ever valid it still is. "Oh, you got married. How wonderful. How did you meet him?"

 

Some people like to compartmentalize their lives and share personal details on a need to know basis or only with more intimate friends and close family. Perhaps you could explore her feelings on sharing her personal life without directly challenging her to tell people about you. Maybe she'll shed the needed light for you to understand without it becoming an issue in your relationship.

[sfarkas103]

I myself am very private and have considered that aspect. She really has never been this way prior to our marriage during the 3+ years we were together in China. I was very impressed by the way she didn't "flaunt" me there as I saw many other women do, but she did make it obvious we were together. It's all I can do to get her to hold my hand in public here, where no one even gives a second notice of us.

For those of you who have lived & worked in China you are aware that (generally wrongly) westerners are highly regarded. I was a big deal there and I have thought that since coming to the US I am basically a nobody so the allure is gone.

[Guest pushbrk]

I myself am very private and have considered that aspect.  She really has never been this way prior to our marriage during the 3+ years we were together in China.  I was very impressed by the way she didn't "flaunt" me there as I saw many other women do, but she did make it obvious we were together.  It's all I can do to get her to hold my hand in public here, where no one even gives a second notice of us.

For those of you who have lived & worked in China you are aware that (generally wrongly) westerners are highly regarded. I was a big deal there and I have thought that since coming to the US I am basically a nobody so the allure is gone.

226122[/snapback]

Then it would appear that you are describing a symptom when you need to get to the bottom of and solve some underlying issue.

[frank1538]

We do not speak on the phone or email as she lives here with me in the US.  We had a civil "non-event" ceremony in January, mutually agreed upon.  As earlier stated we have been together a decent length of time and lived together in China for over a year before coming to the US together.

226114[/snapback]

I was thinking more about when she talks to or corresponds with her friends and family.

[egolessvegan]

We do not speak on the phone or email as she lives here with me in the US.  We had a civil "non-event" ceremony in January, mutually agreed upon.  As earlier stated we have been together a decent length of time and lived together in China for over a year before coming to the US together.

226114[/snapback]

I was thinking more about when she talks to or corresponds with her friends and family.

226130[/snapback]

Maybe to her it is an arrangement, and not really a marriage.

 

Ken

[sfarkas103]

Sorry Frank; when she send emails they seem upbeat, exclamation points and so on (normally in Chinese). I learned a woeful amount of Chinese in 3 years there, but overall I think the talks are good with her folks. She calls home once a week generally. Someone told me that this may be a defense mechanism, but against what I have no idea. She says she genuinely enjoys work, our love life is fine, everyone here (friends/family) have been overly supportive and kind to her.

[Guest pushbrk]

Sorry Frank; when she send emails they seem upbeat, exclamation points and so on (normally in Chinese).  I learned a woeful amount of Chinese in 3 years there, but overall I think the talks are good with her folks. She calls home once a week generally. Someone told me that this may be a defense mechanism, but against what I have no idea.  She says she genuinely enjoys work, our love life is fine, everyone here (friends/family) have been overly supportive and kind to her.

226151[/snapback]

When she speaks to her family and friends on the phone, do you hear her referring to you as Laogong or any other "husband-like" name?

 

If your relationship feels like a marriage to you, I wouldn't make a big deal out of some relatively unimportant behavior. Instead, I would try to get to know the things about her that would help me understand her feelings about marriage and about YOUR marriage.

[A Mafan]

I agree with the general thrust of pushbrk's emails:

If she is with you and not cheating on you, it doesn't matter what she actually says.

 

I've heard Chinese (men and women) say that words are only words, it's the actions that count. Okay, she doesn't hold hands in public...she might be a conservative Chinese.

 

Is she affectionate in private? If not, does she say why not?

 

Don't get hung up on words...bottom line: are you happy with her treatment of you and your relationship? If so, you may have to just accept she's not going to be verbal about her feelings; many Chinese relish the freedom of America in the emotional realm...but just as many don't, and stay reticent.

 

How important is your marriage? How important is your love? How important is your relationship? Those three things are not necessarily identical...

[Dan R]

If life is good why worry about what she says to others? Do you have any contact with her family?

 

One possibility that comes to mind is that if she had a good job in China it could be continuing a small salary and insurance in the way of retainer. This would end if it got back to the company that she left China and married. On actual termination the insurance can be negotiated for a period covered by the company. Sometiomes even for life. This is just one possibility that comes to mind.

 

But if the U.S. friends and home life seem good for you why question her motives for hope she deals with China?

 

If you are worried that she is keeping it open to return to Chinese single life you may jinx your chances for a future. It is not uncommon for Chinese to keep an alternative open while they make sure of the direction they are going. This in no way indicates they are not commited to the relationship. It is just prudent.

[sfarkas103]

I would have to agree with most of the comments; if it isn't 'seriously' broke don't fix it. I suppose I have been lulled into the American method of doing things again....after only a short six months of being back. That is namely to say, psychoanalyze it to death or throw money/pills at the problem. Our private life is superb, we both have decent careers...so in short I'll relax a bit. Thanks for the dose of tonic.