A conversation with two Chinese women.

[Dennis143]

I had a very good 2-hour conversation this morning with my two good Chinese friends Mary (Asst Pastor of our Church, fluent in English, 42 years old from Nanning) and Tina (barely speaks English, looking for an American husband, 47 years old from Southwest Guangxi).

 

This was the first time that Tina and I got to sit down and talk uninterrupted through an interpreter. Tina has met a 49 year old man from Tucson through the internet. This man has traveled to visit Tina here in LA. She brought him to church a couple of weeks back, but Leiqin and I were at our mtn home working and missed meeting him.

 

Apparently, they¡¦re having the expected confusions about each other due to the language barrier, so Tina had many questions for me, mostly questions about American men. She also asked if Mark (her Tucson man) could call me and talk about China and Chinese women. Here are a couple of the questions and answers:

 

Q .Why do some American men want a Chinese wife?

A. Some people will look at us American men who are in our middle age and think that we seek a Chinese wife because we cannot cut the mustard with (I said the word control, as Mary does not know this expression) American women. Or, we only want a wife who is submissive and controllable. But, the truth is somewhere in between. Personally, I enjoy a Chinese woman¡¦s sense of modesty. Seldom will you see one who is flamboyant and trying to draw attention to her self. I believe that many of us look at our mothers, who were raised in a time and generation prior to the Women¡¦s Liberation movement in America. We see our mothers as reserved, conservative, and loyal to their husbands. I think many of us American men see this in Asian women and seek this for ourselves.

 

Q. Mark asked me how could I just leave my Children behind and come to America. He cannot understand how a mother would or could do this.

A. I explained to her how this is strange to Americans. That she needs to explain to him how in China it is typically the role of grandparents to raise the children, while the parents work. And, that her parents (Tina¡¦s mother and father) are raising her children. Mary added: In China, it is common that a mother or father will sacrifice several years away from their children if it means in the long run they can secure a better future for them.

 

Mark, has been to Beijing years ago with a travel/tour group. So, I doubt that this really counts as knowing much about China. I have to give him credit, Tina says he has been reading everything he can find about China and he has many questions to ask. Tina is going to tell Mark to phone me Sunday. I hope that I can be of some help.

Edited May 5, 2006 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[jemmyell]

I had a very good 2-hour conversation this morning with my two good Chinese friends Mary (Asst Pastor of our Church, fluent in English, 42 years old from Nanning) and Tina (barely speaks English, looking for an American husband, 47 years old from Southwest Guangxi).

 

This was the first time that Tina and I got to sit down and talk uninterrupted through an interpreter.  Tina has met a 49 year old man from Tucson through the internet.  This man has traveled to visit Tina here in LA.  She brought him to church a couple of weeks back, but Leiqin and I were at our mtn home working and missed meeting him.

 

Apparently, they¡¦re having the expected confusions about each other due to the language barrier, so Tina had many questions for me, mostly questions about American men.  She also asked if Mark (her Tucson man) could call me and talk about China and Chinese women.  Here are a couple of the questions and answers:

 

Q .Why do some American men want a Chinese wife?

A. Some people will look at us American men who are in our middle age and think that we seek a Chinese wife because we cannot cut the mustard with (I said the word control, as Mary does not know this expression) American women.  Or, we only want a wife who is submissive and controllable.  But, the truth is somewhere in between.  Personally, I enjoy a Chinese woman¡¦s sense of modesty.  Seldom will you see one who is flamboyant and trying to draw attention to her self.  I believe that many of us look at our mothers, who were raised in a time and generation prior to the Women¡¦s Liberation movement in America.  We see our mothers as reserved, conservative, and loyal to their husbands.  I think many of us American men see this in Asian women and seek this for ourselves.

 

Q. Mark asked me how could I just leave my Children behind and come to America.  He cannot understand how a mother would or could do this.

A. I explained to her how this is strange to Americans.  That she needs to explain to him how in China it is typically the role of grandparents to raise the children, while the parents work.  And, that her parents (Tina¡¦s mother and father) are raising her children.  Mary added:  In China, it is common that a mother or father will sacrifice several years away from their children if it means in the long run she can secure a better future for them.

 

Mark, has been to Beijing years ago with a travel/tour group.  So, I doubt that this really counts as knowing much about China.  I have to give him credit, Tina says he has been reading everything he can find about China and he has many questions to ask.  Tina is going to tell Mark to phone me Sunday.  I hope that I can be of some help.

212601[/snapback]

So, A yenta now you are also?

 

-James

[Dennis143]

So, A yenta now you are also?

 

-James

 

A Yenta? Wasn't that a Barbara Streisand movie?

[jemmyell]

So, A yenta now you are also? 

 

-James

 

A Yenta?  Wasn't that a Barbara Streisand movie?

212657[/snapback]

lol,

 

No, that was Yentl! BUT Yenta (a jewish gossip or busybody) was also the matchmaker in that movie.

 

Commonly used to mean 'matchmaker'.

 

-James

[mercator]

I have less 'control' over my lao po than I have had over any other woman in my life. Not only because she is 6500 miles away right now, but also because she is a fiercely independent woman who was seeking a Western man, in part, because she could be free to be who she is and NOT have to cater to the Chinese roles that women have to play.

 

I chose her because, while independent, has "an old head" as she calls it. She is traditional. This is her first and, god and yuanfen willing, only marriage, and she waited a long time and met a lot of people before she found a guy she could trust, enjoy the company of, and ultimately marry. She is very beautiful (I like asian women), smart (speaks 4 languages), and I can't imagine not being with her. I'm a lucky jerk, basically.

 

But I just want to break the stereotype, as not all guys are looking for some sort of submissive woman.

Edited May 5, 2006 by mercator (see edit history)

[cdrobin66]

I am not sure why lots of people think Asian ladies are submisive. I have found that not to be the case. My Lao Po caters to me, because she wants to. But she can hold her own. When she gets here, I am sure I will have to show her the "ropes" but for some reason, I feel she will catch on nicely and change my world for the better....I look forward to that.

 

Carl

[A Mafan]

Anyone who thinks Asian women are submissive is only looking on the surface, only seeing the public appearance.

Women are women are women are women. Society can only do so much to affect people.

 

Women who are truly in love are fully emotionally dependent. That's an extremely vulnerable feeling (I don't think guys can ever truly understand what that feels like, but we have our own vulnerabilities that women can't understand), and so they fight extremely fiercely to protect their love and relationship. That's true of any culture. Except I think in the U.S. our progressive society has tried to make us all gender neutral, and that's made our women not be women and our men not be men, and everyone is the worse off for it.

 

I'm happy with my SO, because she demands I be a man, and rewards me for it. I've never been happier in my life. For the first time, I'm not fighting at odds with myself, or guessing what I should try to be/do.

 

I still have to overcome selfishness to fully love her, but that's a given for any relationship, both men and women.

 

For what it's worth...

[Mick]

I am always amused when I hear folks say that American men want Asian ladies because they are submissive. I guess it is a common stereotype, but so far from the truth.

 

I lived in China for a long time and found most of the women to be polite, courteous and respectful, but far from submissive.

 

Li is anything but submissive. Our relationship is one of mutual affection, love, caring, compassion, service and respect. Neither of us is particularly dominant in our marriage. However, when push comes to shove, I would have to say she is the boss.

 

Submissive? Not a chance!

[Guest pushbrk]

I have to add my perspective here.  Submissiveness had nothing to do with my decision to think about a Chinese mate. Things that were factors (not in any particular order, and full of generalizations):

 

1.  Loyalty. 

2.  Appearance. It blows me away how American women just let themselves go when they reach a certain age or get married. My SO always tries to look her best, and certainly there are few fat Chinese women.

3.  Lack of baggage.  I don't know what it is about American women, but once they have a bad experience, they bring that baggage into every subsequent relationship.

4.  Compatibility.  Simply stated, American men and Chinese women are more in tune with their outlooks on life.

 

There are others, of course, but these are the Big 4 for me.

212882[/snapback]

I like and agree with 1-3 but it's anybody's guess what you mean by number 4. Some might think the compatibility is control/submissive.

 

If I had written number 4 I would have referred to the level of commitment to making a happy marriage that seems to come from both American men who seek a Chinese wife and Chinese women who seek American husbands. I don't know that the same holds true (generally) among American men and Chinese women. It might. I don't care.

[Dennis143]

This is really an old question that has been discussed many times, here in CFL. I should have noted that I would like to know how you would have answered this woman.

 

Of course there are many answers. Each person has their own reason and purpose for seeking an Asian wife. So, certainly, no one shoe fits all. But, her question to me was a general question. So, generally speaking, if you were to answer her, would it be much different than what I told her?

[david_dawei]

If I had written number 4 I would have referred to the level of commitment to making a happy marriage that seems to come from both American men who seek a Chinese wife and Chinese women who seek American husbands.  I don't know that the same holds true (generally) among American men and Chinese women.  It might.  I don't care.

212886[/snapback]

your just saying that two people who are committed to each other are .. uh.. more committed... really says nothing about it needing to be american men who seek chinese woman (and visa versa). That's just a mental attitude that both share [in common] towards the relationship or don't.

 

That #4 feels a little misplaced since the first three (I like all four !) are about her nature, the last one is relative to the couple.. unless what one is meaning is closer to they are 'adaptable' to relationships (since they are loyal and don't bring baggage).

 

To me, the lack of baggage is based on their world view...it's more holistic, group oriented seeking harmony and balance.

[jim_julian]

Hey ... I met her ... we fell in love ... she happened to be Chinese ... end of story.

[ameriken]

I have to add my perspective here.  Submissiveness had nothing to do with my decision to think about a Chinese mate. Things that were factors (not in any particular order, and full of generalizations):

 

1.  Loyalty. 

2.  Appearance. It blows me away how American women just let themselves go when they reach a certain age or get married. My SO always tries to look her best, and certainly there are few fat Chinese women.

3.  Lack of baggage.  I don't know what it is about American women, but once they have a bad experience, they bring that baggage into every subsequent relationship.

4.  Compatibility.  Simply stated, American men and Chinese women are more in tune with their outlooks on life.

 

There are others, of course, but these are the Big 4 for me.

212882[/snapback]

I think AAF hit it on all 4 points, and I see #4 as perhaps the most important of all: compatability.

 

I think, in general, American men are looking for a person who is more traditional and family oriented (as opposed to 'progressive' and career oriented) and perhaps has given up looking in America, while the Chinese woman is looking for the loyalty, respect and stability that an American man can give. Perhaps this is that compatability.

 

Of course, these are generalities, there are exceptions to the rule, and the final determination is the compatability of the couple, and how well you know, love and trust the particular person you are with.

 

And of course, let me add that #2, appearance, has its influence too. Gotta love them cute little Chinese butts.

Edited May 6, 2006 by ameriken (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

Very funny, Ken. And, so very true too!

 

Yes, generalities are what I would like to share with these women who seem to ask this question more frequent than you might guess. Each man have their own personal story. And, possibly, they (we) cannot say why we generally chose this path. As, we only know that in the end it just lead us to where we are now.

 

It seems to me that American men are a bit of an enigma to many Chinese women, (I am speaking about those Chinese women here in the US who have not integrated their lives in white-American society). It is such a joy for me to live in an area where I can become friends with these Chinese men and women and through Leiqin we are learning to bridge the cultural gap bit by bit.

[Guest pushbrk]

This is really an old question that has been discussed many times, here in CFL.  I should have noted that I would like to know how you would have answered this woman. 

 

Of course there are many answers.  Each person has their own reason and purpose for seeking an Asian wife.  So, certainly, no one shoe fits all.  But, her question to me was a general question.  So, generally speaking, if you were to answer her, would it be much different than what I told her?

212893[/snapback]

I'm afraid my answer would be seen as (inappropriate for CFL) bashing of American women.

 

The biggest material difference I see is related to the application of baggage to the new relationship. The Chinese cultural belief that the past is the past and we focus on the present and future seems to be the key ingredient for success.

 

There are lots of American women who think the same way but its more difficult of find and get to know one that is available. Most of them have parlayed their talents into successful marriages.

 

I'm thankful for the abundance of less than honorable and reliable Chinese husbands. Without them, few of us would have found the happiness we now have.