Marrage money?

[jamin55]

Hellow good people.
My fiance lives here in Jiang Xi Province. Just North of Guangdong Province.
She lives 40 kilometers from the city of GanZhou.
We are planning to get married there in March.
She ask me if I would or could give her Mother (her father is deceased)
3000 U.S dollars to cover expenses for the reception or "Marrage Party".
I was a bit taken back. I wasn't expecting to spend that much on top of all the other expenses. Others have told me that even a Marrage bbanquet for 55 people in China can cost as little as 300 U.S dollars.

I was wondering how this sounded to anyone else out there.
Maybe it is a custom to give a parent some money for the hand of her daughter in this Province or area?
Also when I was in Southern China last Nov. I bought her an expensive engagement ring. I was sort of kicking myself for that because later I found out diamonds and such are MORE in China.
But I was thinking maybe she is basing how much money to ask me for based on what I put out for that ring or something?
Well just wondering if anyone hsd some thoughts on that.
Thank you-----Ben S.

[Randy W]

Discuss with them what the money would go for, and what you are or are not willing to pay for.

 

If this is outside the range of what you want to (or can) pay for, you might tell them to tone it down a little.

Edited January 22, 2006 by Randy W (see edit history)

[tonado]

It is customary to give money to the parents of the bride (especially in the GZ region). $999 is typical. However, the $3000 will be used for a party which is not bad.

[tonado]

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?...=11406&hl=dowry

[tonado]

http://www.chinabridal.com/etiquette/grand.htm

 

Traditional Chinese Wedding Grand Gift List

 

"Grand Gifts" is a set of elaborate gifts to be presented to the bride's family by the groom's family. All gifts should come in even numbers, meaning "good things double"...

 

Some gifts on the list are seasonal, or not readily available in some parts of the world. As long as you present some of the gifts on the list in even numbers, it is a wonderful gesture that shows respect to the bride's family.

 

1.Li Shi Money. The amount is determined by the groom's family, usually contains the number 9, such as $99, $999, etc.

 

2.Jewelries, such as gold dragon-phoenix bangle. Two families discuss the design and cost before purchase.

 

3.Two pairs of dragon-phoenix cakes, and certain amount of Chinese and western cakes.

 

4.Dried seafood and mushroom and Fat Cai. Fat Cai is a must as it symbolize fortune and prosperity. Seafood to be presented in four, six or eight items, which include sea cucumber, clam, shrimp, squid, shark fins, etc.

 

5.Three poultries. Two pair of raw chicken, two males and two females; 2 to 4 kilograms of pork, shoulder-cut, meaning "double fly".

 

6.Fish. Two pair of fish to bring "fish smell", same pronunciation as "lively air."

 

7.Coconut. Two pair of coconut, which pronounced as "ye zi", same as "grandfather and son."

 

8.Wine or liquor, four bottles together.

 

9.Four Peking Dried Fruits, dragon eyes, leechy, chestnuts, shelled peanuts, contained in a red, wooden decorated box named Tie Box. Other items in the Tie Box include lotus seeds, lily, cypress leaf, sesame, red beans, green beans, red dates, and red string, Li Shi money, dragon-phoenix candles a pair, and red banners one set.

 

10.Raw fruit, certain amount, to indicate "sheng", a word to express liveliness.

 

11.Bin Lang, two pairs.

 

12.Tea, two cans. Tea is planted with seeds. Tea as a gift implies that the family will have more seeds after the wedding.

[chef4u]

Ben...saw something like this question on another site not to long ago. I beleive that the above advice you are receiving makes a lot of sense. If I remember correctly, the guy from the other site was involved with his SO for about nine months. Unfortunately, the guy was advised to jump ship ASAP. They thought the guy was getting had. Anyway, my feeling is that you should get and idea of what your SO has in mine for make this a wonderful day for the two of you. I would expect that it would be the same if you were engaged to someone here in the USA. Questions like where are we going to get married, how many people to invite, are we having a reception, where are we going to have the reception, What will the menu consists of, (my personal favorite as a chef...haha), open bar - close bar, music/dancing, (although I do no think that this is customary in Chinese weddings as it is here in the USA). Then, put a budjet to it and see if it makes sense and if it can be afforded. Bottom line.....no pun intended......just talk it over.

Edited January 22, 2006 by chef4u (see edit history)

[artmill4]

I had to smile when I read your post. I too was taken back when the “grand gift” was brought up. When I was first asked I refused. Flatly. I explained I understand that this is a custom in China but I’m not in America. I am in America. After a day or two I sent the money. I believe it is just a difference in customs. I would hope you would honor your wife and her family to the extent you can.

 

Diamonds are not less expensive in China. There are many things more expensive in China.

 

I hope the best for you and your wife.

[Dave G.]

I paid the $3000.00. It was worth every yuan. The result? No hassels. No grief. And, her father has a little more security. He gets $100.00 per month for his gov't retirement. At 67, he never knows what might come up.

 

Maybe it helped me make my decision cuz I had it in the bank. If I didn't, I would have come up with something else. NO WAY I'd go into debt for that kind of coin and for that purpose.

[Dennis143]

Ben, You haven't told us whether you have already met your SO or will your visit in March be your first?

 

There are many men here in CFL who's Chinese wives never asked, nor accepted a plug nickle from them, prior to their marriage.

 

$3000 is a very large lump sum to hand over. And, I hope you're not doing this on blind faith and trust alone.

 

All the best to you and good luck. Keep us posted on your outcome, however it should end.

[ameriken]

I was wondering how this sounded to anyone else out there.

Maybe it is a custom to give a parent some money for the hand of her daughter in this Province or area?

185059[/snapback]

There is a book called "Your Bride is in the Mail" by Gary Clark, which specifically discusses (and supports) the 'mail order' method of meeting women in Asia. On the weblink are some excerpts from his book, which is very intersting reading for those with Chinese/Asian spouses/fiances. You may want to check it out....in the below quote and link, he talks about giving money, and he makes a specific mention of China.

 

http://www.planet-love.com/gclark/gclark24/

 

 

Don't pay a bride price

 

One final thing to beware of is a thing called a bride price. In many cultures, it is common for a man (or his family) to pay a sum of money to the family of the bride. This "bride price" is like a dowry in reverse. It is common in many parts of Asia where the old traditions are still followed. It's no longer practiced in China (since the communist revolution) but was common there up until then. The best way to handle this sort of thing is to tell all your correspondents early in your letter writing that this sort of thing is absolutely unacceptable to you. Tell them that you refuse to pay any kind of bride price or anything else in order to marry a woman. If this isn't acceptable to her or her family then look elsewhere.

 

You should also be aware that, in cultures where a bride price is (or once was) common, it is expected that the groom will pay all the wedding expenses. If this is not acceptable to you, you need to say so early.

Edited January 23, 2006 by ameriken (see edit history)

[johnxiaoying]

You are correct that a wedding dinner can cost as little as $300 for 55 people. For $3000 you should be getting the Shangri-La.

 

You should ask for details as to where a $3000 wedding dinner would be held and the specifics of what you would be getting for that kind of money.

[sylinchinastill]

If they are going to use the money for the wedding that is fine- but you should make sure that you get to keep the money people give you on presents- a lot of people make money off of their weddings.

[mercator]

Hellow good people.

My fiance lives here in Jiang Xi Province. Just North of Guangdong Province.

She lives 40 kilometers from the city of GanZhou.

We are planning to get married there in March.

She ask me if I would or could give her Mother (her father is deceased)

3000 U.S dollars to cover expenses for the reception or "Marrage Party".

I was a bit taken back. I wasn't expecting to spend that much on top of all the other expenses. Others have told me that even a Marrage bbanquet for 55 people in China can cost as little as 300 U.S dollars.

 

I was wondering how this sounded to anyone else out there.

Maybe it is a custom to give a parent some money for the hand of her daughter in this Province or area?

Also when I was in Southern China last Nov. I bought her an expensive engagement ring. I was sort of kicking myself for that because later I found out diamonds and such are MORE in China.

But I was thinking maybe she is basing how much money to ask me for based on what I put out for that ring or something? 

Well just wondering if anyone hsd some thoughts on that.

Thank you-----Ben S.

185059[/snapback]

I paid for a wedding feast for about 40 and it was 1300RMB, but it was in a smaller town, but the hotel was a chinese 5 star hotel. 24000+ RMB sounds like alot of money, but then I also know it is not uncommon to see a man put up a dowry of 100,000 RMB (12,500 US) for a woman who is from a society family.

 

I'd definitely find out what it is for. I'd also suggest you just pay for each thing as it comes, if you are worried about being swindled. Understand many Chinese think Americans are all swimming in cash...

[Thomas Promise]

3K sounds like alot of money in China. However as we know weddings can go as high as you wish or can afford. Many Chinese still practice the "Bride Price" which means you actually pay to marry her. It is a dowry in reverse sort of. Also many Chinese believe that all Americans are drowning in wealth (I wish it where true). I would present my SO a budget for the wedding and all the necessary costs you and her must face bringing her to America and what you can afford or be willing to spend and pay as you go only and have her and family agree to it. No lump sum payment. If she and her Family insists on a lump sum payment IMHO this is a HUGE RED FLAG!!!

Good Luck

Edited January 23, 2006 by Thomas Promise (see edit history)

[marksbetterhalf]

Hellow good people.

My fiance lives here in Jiang Xi Province. Just North of Guangdong Province.

She lives 40 kilometers from the city of GanZhou.

We are planning to get married there in March.

She ask me if I would or could give her Mother (her father is deceased)

3000 U.S dollars to cover expenses for the reception or "Marrage Party".

I was a bit taken back. I wasn't expecting to spend that much on top of all the other expenses. Others have told me that even a Marrage bbanquet for 55 people in China can cost as little as 300 U.S dollars.

 

I was wondering how this sounded to anyone else out there.

Maybe it is a custom to give a parent some money for the hand of her daughter in this Province or area?

Also when I was in Southern China last Nov. I bought her an expensive engagement ring. I was sort of kicking myself for that because later I found out diamonds and such are MORE in China.

But I was thinking maybe she is basing how much money to ask me for based on what I put out for that ring or something? 

Well just wondering if anyone hsd some thoughts on that.

Thank you-----Ben S.

185059[/snapback]

I lived in Shangrao , Jiangxi province . I know the customs well there . Yes , when some guy marries his wife , usually he has to pay for the wedding party and some other stuffs as wedding gift money . It is called in Chinese " Li jing " .If you don't give the money to her parents , their parents will lose " face " . But many parents will give back the money you gave him . If you were a Chinese guy , they would buy big TV and refrigerator washing machine with the money you gave them as " Jia zhuan " .

Anyway I don't like these kind of stupid customs. Thats why we had a very simple wedding party . We just invited my family members and some of my good friends _ about 50 people . We payed for the party about 2000 RMB . I didn't want any gift from them ( usually they will give you some money when they come to your party . )

If you have any questions , you can IM me .

Good luck to you

Dannie