Questions from a Newbie

[Yuanyang]

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  Others are right about unmarried couples, especially East-West couples staying in the same hotel room.  It's technically not allowed, but enforcement takes one of three forms.  It's ignored, it's strictly enforced. Or, it's enforced solely for the purpose of extracting money from the man. 

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173301[/snapback]

Welcome!

Oh was my wife surprised when we checked into a hotel in Beijing last week. This is the 7th hotel we've been in from all of my visits and they wanted to see a marriage certificate. Yes, I had my copy

 

I think the difference here is that this particular hotel is owned by the one of the provinces, therefore it strictly follows the rules. Your Lady will decide if you need one or two rooms and she'll pick the hotel.

 

Another point if not already covered is this: Family! Family is the most important part of the Chinese society, far more than all the talk we have about it here. Take geniune interest in her family members and try to get to know them as much as possible. Their opinions matter.

Edited December 4, 2005 by Yuanyang (see edit history)

[mercator]

In a previous post, it was said that Chinese women think American men are sexually active. In fact, they think we are all sex-crazed maniacs. LOL. I still ask my wife if I can hold her hand in public, when I am in China. She always says yes, but I think that she appreciates being asked. I think it shows her I respect her as a lady.

 

I also wouldn't think to kiss her in public. If she kisses me (she did only once, and shocked me) then great, but I don't expect it. When she comes here, it will change, but how it will change is one part of many things I look forward to but don't dwell on.

 

I'm also a cheeto eater and the mop is in the closet. I don't suspect it will poke its head out for 8-12 months, when I see the long K-3 timelines... I call her every day and think about her quite a bit, but I try not to dwell on it. We have a relationship, and we work on that relationship every day, just in a different way than many other people might. In some ways maybe it is awkward, and it is surely slower. The chefs in the audience will tell you, however, slow cooked food has much more flavor than a quick nuked Swanson. Savor your time in China and think of it as an old-timed courtship. You won't go wrong, and I think it will benefit the relationship.

 

And yeah family is HUGE. Filial piety is the translated technical term for it. Obedient to your parents. Something uncommon here anymore, but there it is key. Taking an interest (hopefully a genuine one) in her family will show you to be in it for the long haul, and not just sewing your oats.

Edited December 4, 2005 by mercator (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

Welcome to CFL !

 

She may also like you to stay in a hotel for personal reasons... to avoid rumors and stares at her apartment or housing area. It's a smart move to always ask her for her advice and direction on every matter while in the country to help avoid any public embarassments or attention drawn to her. I would meet her outside the hotel and then she can let you know if staying inside would be ok.

 

I would personally advise that holding hands is quite enough affection in public... although she states kissing on the cheek is acceptable, I would take note if you see it occuring in the area or not.. if not, then I'd refrain.

 

In private? You don't hold any punches...

 

Well, maybe you'll find out and maybe you won't... I wouldn't be presumptuous, but would just follow the flow.. if she doesn't like it, you should realize it; whether french kissing or oral issues.

 

I would not take the first encounter as an example of her normal way either.. let your relationship evolve as will private matters as well. Your bound to find differences and how much you are willing to work in a relationship as such will be your true measure..

[Rakkasan]

Thank you everyone for your replies. As for some of the questions asked:

 

1) She lives in Nanning and has just moved out an apartment that she owns and back into her parents home. She has a Food stand in the street market and felt home was a better place to be in order to be able to prepare all the food needed.

 

2) She is 31 y/o and has been married before with no children.

 

3) When I asked her about public displays of affection ,she stated she looks forward to holding hands in public and would kiss me on the cheek, but not in front of her parents. (This protocall is being tatoo'd on my arm as a reminder of how to act in front of her parnets. lol)

 

4) When Isuggested hiring a translator for us during my first trip, she said we would use a dictionary, translator machine or sing language because she didn't want a translator to "break our couples world". I take this as a good sign, but maybe she just doesn't want to hit me with a mop in front of a translator.

 

Right now she is trying to get help with Yahoo Messenger w/ camera so we can practice her English and my so called Mardarin..sheeeeeeshhhhh what a tough language...I thought Russian was tough when I was in school, but this language may be more than an old man can be taught. LOL

 

As far as things to do while there, she has suggested, the zoo, parks, and going to Qing mountain to see the peach blossoms and Temples, also climbing some tower to see the whole city. She would like for me to come for the Chinese New Year at the end of January but I don't see that happening this year since I am just starting the process and my passport hasn't even arrived.

 

Another question I have. I get asked by women at work why I would be interested in Asian women and what's wrong with dating American women (this should fall in the heading of don't aska question yuo don't want to hear the answer too).....does anyone else get asked this and how do you tactfully say "Because I think American women are selfish, self-centered,greedy, shrews with no manners or self-respect"? It's not that I hate American women, but whenever I go out with female co-workers I leave feeling lucky that I am going home alone to check my email from China and not married to them. I have thought about it and have yet to come up with a non-offensive answer for these women.

 

My oldest brother says to just tell them that "As part of the eligibiliy requirement for our family trust fund the youngest child of every third generation is required to marry someone from an Asian country and that you don't want to, but the rest of the heirs are counting on it." ROFL What do ya think!!!

 

Thanks again

The Rak

[chef4u]

Rak....try this web site. www.v-touch.com/nanning/nanning_00.htm Very interesting pictures about Nanning. One set of pictures shows the tower you will climb in the grren mountain park. I did this in June. Just about done did me in...haha. But, the view was unbelievable!!! There is a guy at the top that rents binoculars for you to see the city better. Also, you should rent a small boat at the pond and you two can feed the ducks and the Coy fish.

 

Your second question has a long thread with what you are asking. Maybe someone can post it who remembers where to find it.

Edited December 5, 2005 by chef4u (see edit history)

[Dennis143]

Rakkasan, I must add, now that we know your lady is from Nanning, I would be very surprised if you even get a kiss on the cheek in public. IMHO, these southern girls tend to be a bit more conservative than the women from the larger northern cities, Guangzhou may be the exception, however.

 

If you have a chance to travel, Yangshou is a beautiful town by Guilin with many sites to see. Remember to dress warm. I was in Nanning last January and it is cold and drizzly most of the time.

 

The question that you are asked as to why you choose to travel all the way to China to meet with a potential wife, is a question that has been often discussed here in CFL. Here is one that I started:

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=12323

 

There's also been some recent discussions, but I can't seem find those threads.

 

Your life is about to change, my friend.....

[ameriken]

Hi and welcome to CFL.

As for the open displays of affection, I have noticed that in a big city like Shanghai it is not a problem. Your girl friend might feel comfortable holding hands or walking arm in arm. Going to a much smaller rural town, the standards are much different as everyone knows everyone else and public displays of affection could be taboo.

 

As for behind closed doors, you need to know her a little better than a first date. In your correspondence with her, has she ever mentioned a previous relationship with another man? Was she ever engaged? If not, she might likely be saving her cherry for marriage!

 

A very big generalization is that Chinese women see American men as very sexually active while Chinese women save themselves for the man they are to marry.

 

As for your own personal situation, you'll have to play it by ear and try to read the signs. If she sees you as a sincere marriage minded man, and you are, then you may get yourself a treasure!!!!!

 

Good luck.

 

P.S.  Dont worry about the mop. One of our members needs a good mop slap to the head occasionally to be reminded of who is the boss is in his (oops HER) relationship!!!   (Sorry Trigg!!!)

173347[/snapback]

I can agree with the big city thing and public affection....when we first met at the airport, I gave her a hug, and she gave me a shy hug back.

 

On the second trip, again when I arrived at the airport, in front of hundreds of people, she hugged me like a Koala bear, cried and would not let me go for about 10 minutes. This occured again before I left.

 

The same for sexual values in the city woman........I cannot speak for rural women.......but the values are there, however if she feels love and respect........well.....when she wants you.........she will drop all cultural mores and values for you.

Edited December 5, 2005 by ameriken (see edit history)

[philb]

Rakkasan:

 

You will enjoy NanNing. I got a kiss on the cheek at the airport and a translator to meet the family. After that, a pocket translator will get you by. The Buddist tower at Green Park is a must...rent the tram!

There is a nice cave...about 26 clicks out - I think it is Ying Ling.

 

I agree; Guilin and Yangshou if you have the time. You'll think that you are in dreamland.

 

Nanning - Cold in Winter...I mean bone chilling cold in winter and hot and muggy in summer. Dress for the occasion!

 

There are many folks here that have courted in Nanning...

 

Fire away!

 

Phil

[chef4u]

Rakkasan, I must add, now that we know your lady is from Nanning, I would be very surprised if you even get a kiss on the cheek in public.  IMHO, these southern girls tend to be a bit more conservative than the women from the larger northern cities, Guangzhou may be the exception, however.

 

If you have a chance to travel, Yangshou is a beautiful town by Guilin with many sites to see.  Remember to dress warm.  I was in Nanning last January and it is cold and drizzly most of the time.

 

The question that you are asked as to why you choose to travel all the way to China to meet with a potential wife, is a question that has been often discussed here in CFL.  Here is one that I started:

http://candleforlove.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=12323

 

There's also been some recent discussions, but I can't seem find those threads.

 

Your life is about to change, my friend.....

173589[/snapback]

Yo Dennis, ....I will be in Yangshou around the 19th of December. Any suggestions of were to stay and cost. Also, what to do...besides the behind the door activity

[Dennis143]

http://tinypic.com/i60ac0.gif

Richard, stop, you're making me blush....

http://tinypic.com/i60ajc.gif

 

Thanks for the indulgence, Rakkasan

Edited December 5, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)