Difficult to leave parents behind

[Joanne]

Fifteen years ago, when I was packing up to go to US, my heart is full of excitement and expectations. I was young and ready to embrace the new world across pacific ocean. Life over there was full of wonders. My parents are still working, my sister was still single and was living with my parents. I knew I would miss my family but I worried nothing about them.

 

Now I am doing this packing again. The task of sorting though things and discarding piles of stuff is a piece of cake to me at this eighth home moving. However, looking at my aging parents without being able to promise a good care to them really tears my heart apart.

 

My parents are just like a lot of Chinese elders, they depend largely on Children to provide a home feeling to them. Too sad to say that they haven't yet learned how to enjoy a tranquil and happy life together just by themselves. Even though they are financially well off comparing with most people their age in China, they still need Children's presence to ease the tension between them. After we leave, they will depend solely on my sister to provide this needed comfort. Thinking about future, I don't know how often we can afford to come back to visit, don't know whether or not they will be able to visit us in US. Don't know what to do if we have to continue living in US after my husband has earned his law degree. I know if I would wait a few years and become a US citizen, my parents might be able to come and join. This doesn't seem right. I know in my heart that I am a Chinese and will remain a Chinese through out my life (even though I am not necessarily loyal to Chinese government). Why do I apply for US citizenship just because I want to be able to take care of my aging parents? Besides, if they live in US, their hard earned retirement and health benefit will be no use. I know then they would be able to recieve social benefit from US government. This doesnt' seem right either. Why should they be entitled to these benefits without earning them? This is a difficult dilemma. I feel selfish to leave them behind and add another load to my sister's shoulder while we have our own family reunion.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

It is especially sad Joanne. As you know many Americans don't share the same sort of connection with their parents as their Chinese counterparts. Surely this is something VERY important to consider before you leave your country, which in your case you certainly seem to have done that.

 

It's a good "WHY" question regarding what the hell our immigration department is doing by making it so difficult to keep families together. Surely, one of America's greatest weaknesses in the international community is that it places little emphasis on the family structure while rewarding those having significant social status and MONEY.

 

I wish for strength for you and your family in what will be a difficult separation.

[jim_julian]

Joanne, I think I understand completely what you are saying. Lao po's Mama and Baba are wonderful people who have accepted me, after a little time, as part of the family.

 

Even though, chronologically, they are only ten years older than I am, there is a giant difference in our "real" ages. It will be sad when Lao Po leaves them and then when her daughter leaves after finishing high school. We are trying to train Baba to be able to turn on the computer and link with us on video chat ... I'm not sure if this will ever be successful although Mama and Baba are always excited to look at me and my surroundings on camera when Lao Po hooks us up.

 

Of course we will have the issues of Advance Parol and Green Card to work through when Lao Po and Er Mei come to America. I pray that there is no crisis with Mama and Baba while our hands are tied and we cannot travel freely. Yes there are 5 other sisters and brothers but Lao Po is the primary support mechanism for Mama and Baba. After all of the paper is finally in place we hope to spend a month or two each year in China to be with Mama, Baba, and the rest of the family. Mama and Baba are just too old fashioned Chinese to bring to America. They will be happiest remaining in their life long culture.

 

Life is not easy. There are always trade offs. In one way I hate to have "the girls" leave Mama and Baba but on the other hand life will be better we think with the girls in America. We have discussed this at length inside my Chinese family. As usual, parents are more than willing to sacrifice for the children and grandchildren.

 

There is great strength in Chinese families ... I respect this very much.

[warpedbored]

This is probably on of the biggest issues for Chinese coming to the US. I know my wife had the same stress when she was packing to go. While you will physically be very far away it is still very easy to keep in touch. You can get phone cards to call China for as little as 1.6 cents a minute. My wife is on the phone to China every day.

 

As far as social programs in the US go I don't believe your parents could take advantage of them anyway. In order to bring them here you would need to fill out the I-864 which pretty much says you guaranty they won't become wards of the state.

[tywy_99]

I think there are many good Chinese women who have these feelings. It's not easy and the first step is always the hardest, which is evident by my wife. It will take some time to adjust.

I wish you all the luck, Joanne.

[Randy W]

Jiaying may have told you that she'll be taking the train to Beijing with her son and mother, and flying (by herself) from there to Houston.

 

Her two brothers are married, one still lives in Yulin. I'm sure she'll be spending a lot of time on the phone to China. Hopefully, her mother will be able to visit soon.

 

Be sure and check into the Social Security before your parents come to the US - it is dependent on their employment history, which, of course, they have none in the US.

[Yuanyang]

Joanne, I understand very well. I love my Mom very much. I know that enormous sacrafice that my wife is making in leaving her family. Gosh, the cell phone rings all day long with calls from sisters and Mom. I miss them also. The support that the family provides in China is so great. It's the thing that once existed here in the USA. Now we're all off wathing our favorite TV show or video/computer game on one of the 4 TVs in the house.

[mercator]

I am perhaps in a little different situation, but I do worry my wife will be homesick sometimes. She lives in GZ, nad has for a dozen years, while much of her family lives in her home town. She is the youngest of six, five of whom are still living, so her mother has familial support. Her brother lives in the same family home, and another sister lives nearby in her husbands family home.

 

The other difference is that her family has no desire to move to the US. They are quite happy in China, and 'big fish' in their town I guess. Perhaps it would be a different story if we were to have children (which is highly unlikely), as her mother would want to help raise the child.

 

I know she'll be on the phone talking to her mother and her 5th sister often. Onesuite has been a boon to us, and with rates continuing to drop it will be even easier.

 

Time will tell.

[Joanne]

Thank you everyone! Your understanding words really make me feel warm inside. Thank you!

 

From the very begining of our marriage, we have already realized the difficulties we may have to face when our parents are aging. We can't be at both countries at the same time. In our mind, it would be unthinkable to pull my parents out of their deeply rooted place. Same will be true for his parents. Although his parents are very independent, his sister is severely handicaped due to an automobile accident. She is receiving full care from her mother at the moment. We know some day, better sooner than later, we should become capable of taking over the responsibilities.

 

We had our naive plans: we would first establish ourselves financially, better have skills which would work at both countries; then, we would live in China so being close to my family (my parents are older); afterwards when his parents need us, we would move back to US.... I just realized that it would be ill intentioned if we ever expect this plan to work out for us. So I started panicking. Have a lot of guilt feelings also.

 

Reading your kind replies, receiving your words of wisdom, the knot gradually untied. I begin to see lights coming through heavy clouds. Acturally comparing with some of you, my situation is better. At least I don't have to leave my daughter or son behind; I still have a sister my parents can rely on; I don't need an Advanced Parole if I want to come back to visit. On top of that, I can still keep my position in Shanghai, which will ease my mother's bigest concern about me going to US.

 

Well, no point of worrying about things not happening. I should have already know that things we worry about almost never happen. Why bother?

Edited November 30, 2005 by Joanne (see edit history)

[skibum]

Joanne, ]

 

I admire you. You are one sensitive woman. I think I miss my in-laws more than my wife does but she does call them very ofter.

 

My wife will become a USC as soon as she can just for the ease of traveling with a US passport.

 

I believe that if you sponsor your parents to come here, you have to agree to support them just like the Americans do with their SOs. It would probably be cheaper to send them money.

 

My in-laws seem to get along well on her pension. It willbe even better when he starts getting his but we have offered to send them money for a trip to Thailand if they can get the visas. Should be no problem as my wife took a trip there.

 

Good luck.