Chinese Love

[IluvmyLi]

I am very confused about something. I am a Western man and I tell my SO I love her very much. I say this too often she says. She tells me that I am a man and I should not be like this. She says I worry too much and that I think she will leave me. This is completely incorrect. I thought it was normal to worry about someone you love. I only care abour her well being and safety. Of course I'm the type of man that wants to be continually reminded that she loves me. Maybe it's from past horrible relationships that cause me to be a bit insecure. I don't know. Is the word "worry" have a different meaning to Chinese then what I use it as? When I tell her I no longer worry or think so much about her, then she is happy. I have never been in a relationship that requires me NOT to show my love. She tells me I need to be stronger. Please tell me this is normal. I know some of you have wives and SO's that talk often and chat almost everyday. Even my SO's cousin has said that I think too much. I am hoping that she just wants to make sure that I am strong minded and is concerned about her security for the future. She wants my "Job good, break good, and body good". So now I will pull back a bit and try not to show so much love. It is a very hard thing to do. But as long as she is happy, then I am happy.

[Dennis143]

Yes, these feelings, of not stating our love, are alien to us. I believe all of us west men learn this early on.

 

Chinese have a saying about love: Don't say it, live it.

 

And, they live it too. They definately will not say it much, but enjoy displaying their love. Listen to Li and "be strong" for her.

Edited November 2, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[cocomonica_37]

I am a Chinese woman, I think I little understand your So thinking, her really meaning is: first,you should trust her, trust her love,alos trust she could take well care herself,second,you should believe yourself,if you always say 'I love you" to her, maybe she is thinking you always worry about she would leave you and which alos means you don believe yourself and her love.showing your love to your SO is pretty things, every women enjoy it, but not too often ,I not know how is western women thinking it, but for Chinese women, sometime can cause them some pressure.hope it is useful for you and you can understand my real meaning.good lucky

[IluvmyLi]

Dennis and cocomonica, Thank you so very much. I am now beginning to understand what my Li has been telling me. I feel better already!

[Dennis143]

Stand by. I am sure that when everyone wakes up and reads your post you will receive many more responses.

 

Admin will probalby move your post over to Culture and Language Discussion, however.

 

I just want to add that the WORDS of love seem meaningless, but the ACTS of love....keeping her safe and secure, staying healthy for her and being loyal are the acts of love that she wants and needs.

Edited November 2, 2005 by Dennis143 (see edit history)

[shutterme2]

Of course I'm the type of man that wants to be continually reminded that she loves me.  Maybe it's from past horrible relationships that cause me to be a bit insecure. She tells me I need to be stronger.  Please tell me this is normal?

I can shed my experiances, that are similar to what you have been feeling....

 

In the western world we have been brought up to express our feelings through words, and the ones we love we often tell them "I love you" I think we say those 3 words to express our feelings, not to show that we are insecure.

 

Chinese women dislike a man to express their feelings using words, they require action! It's hard to show our women action when we are 1/2 way around the world, they like to live in "The Now"

 

From what I have learned, Chinese women like a man that is confident, show no sign of insecurity. They get their happiness from what we are projecting, our health, frame of mind..... They also think when someone is always telling them that they love them, that it loses it meaning. That is where the action comes into play. (talk is cheap)

 

It is very hard on us as much as them, being seperated from the ones we love, and the grueling process.

 

I hope that this will help

 

Scott

Edited November 2, 2005 by shutterme2 (see edit history)

[warpedbored]

My wife often tells me "american man say I love you too easy" In the chinese way of thinking actions speak louder than words. Often it is the little things, bringing me some fruit or tea, fussing over whether I eat right, doing some little thing for me. As an American it is easy to take this for granted. She will probably not tell you that you are expected to reciprocate.

[mercator]

My SO worries about me on occasion and will tell me so. I tell her I worry about her sometimes, and I tell her so. I agree that my SO is also more into actions than words, but right now, at this distance, words are what we have, so we use them liberally. I give her gifts and she sends me gifts. When I was in China she doted after me like warpedbored mentions his wife does. Little things, but I appreciate them. When I could, I would do the same, but when I was at her family home, it was not allowed since I was the guest, so I would do little things, like rub her back in the evening to reciprocate.

 

Expressing love is as important as communication. Perhaps it is communication on a different level. I was in a relationship with my 2nd wife where we said the words all the time, but the actions were not always there. I vowed to take more action to back up those words.

 

I tell her often that I love her, in every email and usually a few times in each phone call. She says the same. I don't sense any pressure or feel like I am pressuring her. Just make sure you aren't subliminally or intentionally giving your love with strings attached. Give it freely. I think that is advice I was given in the past, and I don't think it is specific to Chinese SO's.

 

My 1 jiao 6 fen

 

Merc

[amysina]

Hi, guys. first i want to say nothing wrong to say " i love you "to your SO" ,i think for both of you, you /him is the only one you both want to express love to each other. i am chinese woman, i am already used to hear my husband says those three words to me, that makes me happy and full when we have to suffer being apart 8000miles away each other and still have no idea when this visa process ends...... when we were stay together, his kisses, love, hugs....show he loves me so much......s it too much blah blah for those three words? no, no, not enough at all.....i want to hear he says" i love you" when i wake up, go to bed......that's my special food,

[tywy_99]

A day doesn't go by without my wife and I saying "I love you" to each other.

 

-"to each their own."

[Thomas Promise]

Shakespeare wrote: If you love someone... Tell them. My SO and I tell each other how we Love one another everyday either on the phone or by e-mail. Each to his own. Actions do speak louder then words. Try letting the eye buy and the ear here with her.

Good luck.

[mrjones]

Culture has something to do with it, but relationships are as varied and complex as the individuals that comprise the relationship. From my own experience, I cannot categorize how Chinese women choose to express love any more than I can American women. I've never seen exactly the same expression from any two individuals. Like the US, China is a big country with a variety of cultural differences within each province. Each individual is a product of their culture and personal life experience.

 

In responsding to your question, a baby boomer vintage television commercial tag line paraphrase comes to mind "Only your SO knows for sure".

[david_dawei]

I agree with many of the comments.. and some share based on experiences which is nice to hear.

 

I would add that you are early in the process with her and having only meet her for the first time about 90 days ago... I think you will see that it is quite different from the first 90 days together in the US !

 

Words are important, but action more important. It is hard to do 1/2 way around the world, but pay close attention to her words and your talks. Do something that comes out of a comment.

 

The other day, my SO was talking about not being able to find a certain chinese medicine yet. The next day, she found me looking through the yellow pages and the internet and asked me what I was doing (I did not bother to tell her--ie: no words).. I said I was looking for that medicine. You could see a glow on her.

 

The chinese believe that health is paramount, whether mind (worry) or body (food). Take care of yourself in a holistic way (mind and body), and she will indeed be happy. Your health (physical and mental) is her future; Longevity means a long life together. Show her this is your goal as well.

 

Finally, you must immediately put out of your mind that she will leave you. I don't believe this based on what I hear. She shares so much caring for your as a person and as her future husband.

 

Best to you two !

[paula]

Culture has something to do with it, but relationships are as varied and complex as the individuals that comprise the relationship. From my own experience, I cannot categorize how Chinese women choose to express love any more than I can American women. I've never seen exactly the same expression from any two individuals. Like the US, China is a big country with a variety of cultural differences within each province. Each individual is a product of their culture and personal life experience.

 

In responsding to your question, a baby boomer vintage television commercial tag line paraphrase comes to mind "Only your SO knows for sure". 

165344[/snapback]

I think different women have different requirments from marriage life. I love to hear my husband speak sweet words to me all time. I love it very much. Honestly I think that is a big difference westners and chinese man. My ex husband didnt like to speak sweet words to me after we got married and he even refused to say I love you after marriage. He took it for granted because we got married, but after 12 years marriage, I cant figure out he loves my son or loved me to keep the family. For me I think if you love someone you need tell her/or him. My husband knows I love sweet words, love poems. He did it to me a lot, but one day we had big argument about he thought he was pushed when to speak sweet words sometimes as I kept asking if he loves me . I really hope we both will never be tired of speaking sweet words to each other

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

Quite an interesting thread developing here. Because most of my relationship with my SO has been by telephone we share a lot of communication that way. I do think that just like in the west that in China everyone is just a little different.

 

We share our feelings and exchange many Wah-eye-knee Bawbei's and Wah-ye-eye-knees.........followed by gung, gung, gung....no, I love you more.....

 

She's very comfortable at showing verbal affection and I've learned that it's important to her to hear it from me. She is however a great deal more patient than I in that she believes that positive things happen to those that wait. I've found her confidence is catching on this matter. She often tells me, don't worry honey, I will wait forever for you.