Forgive me as I am new here and this is my first post. I have filed for a K-1 for my fiancee in China and I have come here to learn from you. I hope I am welcome here. I also hope I can give something back as well. I'm not sure its a "cultural issue" as much as it is a generational issue. I have had similar problems with my 20 year American daughter so perhaps these suggestions might help. First off, I respectfully disagree with some of the other posters here. (I hope diverse opinions and respectful honest differences of opinion are welcome here - though from lurking and reading some prior posts it appears that sometimes this is not always the case.) I would not start picking up after your son or baby him. What you are asking him to do, put his dishes in the dishwasher and pick up after himself is certainly not "unreasonable". Now if you asked him to plow 5 acres and milk 10 cows before school every day, I might have a different opinion. (1) Accountability is important. It's time to have a family meeting to divide up the chores, establish back-ups (people DO get sick) and make sure everyone is doing his or her fair share. I will say if you and your wife and any other family who live there are doing your fair share then he should be embarrassed not to live up to his responsibilities. However, if you also have a 20 year old American daughter living there or any other family member not pulling their weight they also should receive a fair share of the chores and be held accountable. (2) Now what happens when someone doesn't "follow through"? There must be consequences to their actions (or failure to take action). What to do? Well, you note that you "gave" your stepson a Grand Am. A nice thing to do and more than my dad ever did for me. Perhaps it is more than your dad ever did for you. Our generation grew up having to earn our keep. I'm sure you did this in good faith, hoping your step son would pitch in with family chores and toe the line. An old American saying is - "The Lord giveth and The Lord taketh away." In your home, as head of the family, you are the lord. Maybe if you took the keys away and let him walk to the bus stop for a few weeks, he'd have some time to think about pitching in around the house. I would discuss with your wife first. I'm sure she will agree it is only fair for everyone to do their share. Again, everyone must be accountable, not just your step son. If he works at McDonalds, I'm guessing you are subsidizing his car insurance, rent, meals and possibly his tuition, as well. Be sure he is clear that your subsidy comes with some conditions - namely good grades, good behaviour and pitching in at home to do his fair share. (3) ShaQuaNew is right to compliment his daughter on her strong points. Positive rewards help reinforce good behaviour. Be sure to thank your son for doing his fair share and reward his good behaviour (since he's tooling around town in a Grand Am I think you already did) but even a verbal thank you from you and your wife goes a long way. (4) I don't know all the facts, but on the surface of it I do think you may be unfair for criticizing him for asking your wife to help him move furniture in his room. Furniture is big and awkward to move. Often the help of several people is needed to rearrange this. Is your criticism here because you noted that your wife is small and unable to help? Did he come to you for help? Let him know you are available and happy to help. A family is a team and all should help each other. (5) If your wife is new here and he is also new here, he may be testing your limits. As head of the family, you should set a good example (as I am sure you do) and also set limits. It is important to make sure everyone understands his/her duties in the household. It's only right that everyone pitches in to help the family. Turn the tables and ask him "Son, how will you handle this in 20 years with your family? When your son sits on his butt and leaves his room a mess what will you do? That may get him to thinking. If not, a good stretch of the legs walking to the bus stop for a couple of weeks while you hang on to the car keys might provide him with some time for thought. Afterward once he realizes there will be consequences for being a slob, maybe he will try to do a better job of picking up after himself. It is important he realize that you are just asking everyone in the family to do his/her fair share. It's only right.
