LouRose Posted November 21, 2004 Report Share Posted November 21, 2004 The Chinese man/American woman thread made me think about this - the issue of being friends with members of the opposite sex. Some people want to restrict who their SOs hang out with and they think their SOs have a right to restrict who they hang out with too. I think thats unreasonable and my husband is pretty glad I feel that way, but I've noticed this concept is still a part of how he sees relationships. Here are some examples: We are friends with a couple that lives quite close to us and last week their shower broke so the girl came over here to shower. no problem, right? well i was at work and as he told me later, Li Zhuang was mortified while she was in the shower, though he did let her take her shower. when i got home he apologized saying he should not have let another woman be in our apt while i was not there because how will it look? and what will i think? haha i thought it was hilarious, i mean we both know this girl AND her serious boyfriend. He basically knew I wouldn't mind, but he felt weird about it. Then, today he was chatting on msn with a woman he met on 001. It turned out she thought he was a girl and when she found out he is a guy, she said she would never have started chatting with him if she'd known, because what would his wife (me) think? She was all worried about getting him into trouble, and probably about getting herself into trouble too. I'm wondering if this is part of Chinese culture or if its completely universal. Some Chinese people seem to have a clear idea of what is allowed and what is inappropriate, so what are the rules there? Any thoughts?*~Louisa~* Link to comment
sylinchinastill Posted November 21, 2004 Report Share Posted November 21, 2004 My husband says that he would feel weird about the shower thing too- but not about talking online to the girl. I don't know- you know how sometimes American girls do that as a way to flirt with a guy, "Oh- your girlfried would get so mad at me if she knew I was talking to you." Which makes the guy resent the girlfriend and think the new girl is very sensitive to have thought of your feelings- maybe that isn't the case here- but that seems like a tactic I have seen so many times before. My husband says that guys and girls aren't really friends anyway- at the beginning they are but in the end it is impossible- I have quite a few male friends who are married or ugly- that is the best way to go to prevent jealousy I think. Link to comment
owhite47 Posted November 21, 2004 Report Share Posted November 21, 2004 Hi You know , maybe I am just silly, but I dont think there are rules to follow,,,,,,,if we are in love this will keep us true to our spouces....no woman or man has the power to take our hearts from our SOs. If you have another relationship then something is wrong with the one we are in..........................Oscar Link to comment
sylinchinastill Posted November 21, 2004 Report Share Posted November 21, 2004 I don't think that is what lourose or I was saying- I think that Chinese do have larger divisions between male and female friends because in middle school they keep kids so separated because they think they might have girlfriends or boyfriends before they are twenty (it's even like this in college in China- when I taught college kids- they would laugh about a girl and boy holding hands in class and stuff but if you were caught having --- then you would be thrown out- even kissing was bad). I have never really had male friends before- just like my boyfriend's friends or something. But now that I'm in law school I only have male friends- because there are so many more guys than girls- I think there is a line and you shouldn't cross it- but just because you are in a relationship it shouldn't cut you off from all contact with people of the opposite sex.In China there is a big division- but my husband always had female friends in China as well as male friends- and I am a Scorpio- read- easily jealous- but I don't get that way if I know the conduct is innocent. Link to comment
Jeikun Posted November 21, 2004 Report Share Posted November 21, 2004 Jun had so many friends of the opposite sex when we met, and before we fell in love, that I just took it as something I needed to be accepting of from day one. Personally, I kind of always agreed with syl's husband's philosophy - but what it boils down to really is I don't have to trust THEM, I just have to trust HER, and I do. As for me having female friends, she's fine with it. Though I don't really have any "close" female friends, and they're all married or engaged anyway. Link to comment
Jason+Joanna Posted November 21, 2004 Report Share Posted November 21, 2004 Maybe I am old fashioned. maybe I got burned in the past. But, I think that friends should be shared. A couple, I think, should present a united front in every aspect of thier lives together. Having opposite gendered friends is okay in that sense. Otherwise it can cause problems down the road. Link to comment
awch Posted November 22, 2004 Report Share Posted November 22, 2004 I think what syl and Louisa are saying are true- some kinds of cultures have different ideas about divisions between males and females, and China is definatly one of them. Like if a Chinese guy sees a girl with another guy, he definatly wouldn't talk to that girl- it could start a fight. Xiao Ming always asks me before he hangs out with any of his "girl" friends. As for our relationship, he has a lot of "girl" friends here- he grew up here. And because the ratio of men to women teachers at my school is definatly in favor of men, I have a few "boy" friends here- but actually I'm not close friends with anyone at all in China- people come and go too quickly. So it's not really an issue for us, I think in my past relationships I tried to restrict my boyfriend's "girl" friends but this relationship is so honest and strong that I implicity trust Xiao Ming. Here's another twist- my best friend in the US is gay.... I think Xiao Ming is a little jealous of her!!! Link to comment
sylinchinastill Posted November 22, 2004 Report Share Posted November 22, 2004 That's pretty funny- I don't see why knowing that you are not- My husband never gets jealous- he even thinks my ex-boyfriend (the one I dated for three years and broke up with by moving to China) is a great guy- he said that he likes him because he took care of me. Pretty cool thing to say- I don't feel the same about any of his exes though. Link to comment
tonado Posted November 22, 2004 Report Share Posted November 22, 2004 No kissing on cheek (or anywhere) with opposite sex. Some Chinese may consider hugging with opposite sex a no no. Link to comment
tonyontherock Posted November 22, 2004 Report Share Posted November 22, 2004 What world do you guys live in? The China I saw seems to be quite different. Just hang out with 4 girls on Sunday, none of the girls' bf had a problem. Spent a whole evening with am attractive lady on Saturday, taking business. It seems that at least Shenzhen is pretty open about it. Depends really on people. One of the girls we hang out with, a 20 yr old did have about 10-15 bfs at the same time and her phone never stopped. But it was fun to watch how she lie and handle each one. She calls them all "la gong" so that she would not get the name wrong. It was hilarious! I mean, if the guy or girl are frank and honest about it and truely treats the opposite sex friends as true friends, no male or female. It is easy to handle. Be unisex! Link to comment
LouRose Posted November 22, 2004 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2004 Of course everyone who said trust is most important is right, and because of this Li Zhuang and I have never had any jealousy issues, what a relief. But what I mean about the rules is that in spite of this trust and the fact that having opposite sex friends is a non-issue in our relationship, there are still some guidelines that they follow, situations they are not comfortable in. I think you are right syl, it must be because of how they grow up, socialized to think its improper for girls and boys to have to much contact. Regardless of the old question can men and women be platonic friends, many Chinese seem to think even if they could, they just shouldn't. What I think is funny is watching the kids in my kindergarten because boys and girls hug and even kiss each other all the time, its so cute. Pretty soon they will realize each other are icky, and being Chinese this probably won't end until they get married.*~Louisa~* Link to comment
sylinchinastill Posted November 23, 2004 Report Share Posted November 23, 2004 Shenzhen girls are a whole different species. I used to live there Link to comment
oregonknl Posted November 23, 2004 Report Share Posted November 23, 2004 Syl ~ I was explaining the whole "Material Girl" concept to Fei during my visit this summer and her reaction: "SHENZHEN!!" Link to comment
sylinchinastill Posted November 23, 2004 Report Share Posted November 23, 2004 Exactly Link to comment
warpedbored Posted November 26, 2004 Report Share Posted November 26, 2004 I think women can be friends with men more easily than men with women but I also think that men and women don't make all that great of friends anyway. The sex thing always seems to get in the way of a true friendship if you're single and jealousy if you're attached. Maybe I'm old fashioned too but I think it is better to socialize with other couples. I am not a jealous type and I trust my wife implicitly but still I would wonder about the guys motives who wanted to hang out with my wife when I wasn't there. Link to comment
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