Funeral customs in America

[danb]

Hello, A good friend's Chinese Mother past away this week. She was a very nice lady. She didn't speak English. I wish I could have spoken to her more. I am sure she had so many life's experience she could had told me about. She was about 85 years old. I always felt welcomed when I used to visit their home. I will miss her.

 

Her funeral will be this Monday. I was wonder how her funeral may differ from a western funeral. Wonder what kind of different funeral customs I may encounter? Should I sent/take flowers or something else? Are sympathy cards or money appropriate? Is there a version of a red envelop given? I just don't know. Anyone have any idea? Thanks. Danb

[Doug]

Well how was it. I am curious.

 

I had a Chinese man from church here in America speak at my mother's funeral. He did a fine job, and surprisingly in both languages. (My Mom was not Chinese.) Anyway in talking with him & friends from China visiting at the time,& wife, the Chinese take death VERY hard. Of course our culture has so many Christian ideas in it, whether a believer or not, that maybe it is a lot easier for us. Anyway, I am curious about your funeral.

[danb]

I went Monday but found out when I got down there that the funeral had been reschedule for this Friday. I was told that my auntie was close to 91 year old. Boy, I wished that I had been able to talk to her about the old China. I have been told that there will be a funeral(service) at the funeral home then the burial and then some type of reception afterwards. Not sure if I will be able to make the whole things. Family is pretty important to my friend. I am sure that her Mother's death must have hit her hard. I will try to post what I do get to see. Danb

[Catherineli]

Hello, guys, please know the biggest difference is the color at a funeral. American people may wear anything they like, colorful or dark. For a traditional Chinese funeral, NEVER wear bright-colored clothes including shoes. It's a big offend to the funeral family.

 

Chinese people don't laugh or smile at a funeral moment which is second taboo. Make sure not to greet your friends with a smile at a funeral. You're welcome to shed tears to show your sympathy but it's okay if you don't cry. It's known to many people that All Chinese people were required to cry when Chairman Mao decreased.

 

We don't present flowers to the family but a funeral wreath is welcome. Usually very special relatives offer a wreath. Friends offer some money.

 

I'm Christian but I still fear death. I love living above the grass lol

[danb]

I was able to attend the funeral on that Friday. I was introduced to the pastor, a Chinese man. Didn't really realize that my friend belong to a church. Just knew that her children went to Chinese school on Sunday when they were younger. Most of the family who were there were women. They were all wore black. No hats or veils that I recall. The pastor said some words. A Chinese man translated the words for the non Chinese people who attended. There weren't too many flowers. There were a couple of banners laid at the foot of the grave. One of my friend's son thanked us for coming to the service. (Not typical for a western funeral? ) At the end we did receive a white envelop ( like a fong bao). It had Chinese written on it. Inside was candy and some money. After the funeral we were invited to a Chinese restaurant later in the day. I am glad that I was able to make it to the funeral. Sorry that I wasn't able to make it to the dinner or the services before the funeral.

 

Catherine, you said that : "We don't present flowers to the family but a funeral wreath is welcome. Usually very special relatives offer a wreath. Friends offer some money.

I'm Christian but I still fear death." I didn't know about the money. How is the money given to the family? A white envelop or a card or just a check? Any suggestions of how to follow up on my friend's mother death? Take my friend to lunch. Don't take my friend to lunch. Visit the grave with her? Should I wait for a certain amount of time? 30 days? Any suggestions? Thank You, Danb.

[Catherineli]

Hi Danb, whatever you do will not offend the family because they know you're American. What I know or where I know is only from China. I'm new in America.

 

(1) For a Chinese funeral, you avoid everything in red color. Women should not wear red lipstick or any make up. No balloons are needed either. Envelope is white. You may use white, plain envelope to donate money. Make sure you put your name on the envelope to let the owner know who is offering. Some day when you have a wedding or funeral, the family will bless you back. Traditionally we don't use envelopes, just a bill of cash. The money is given only on the funeral day not other days. For a common friend, one hundred Yuan is alright. For a close friend, 200 Yuan. For family friend, it may be more. It depends. We sometimes don't donate money. We once went to our chairman's funeral a couple of years ago, we didn't spend a penny which is in the same way we didn't give a penny for Chairman Mao's funeral lol Here, in America, you may give a check, or just cash. I guess card is alright, as long as the card is not too bright-colored.

 

(2) In China, the family make a reception on the funeral day for visitors who come to the funeral using the money from everyone's donation. However, not everyone goes to the feast because they want to be thoughtful to the family. Those who come to the dinner should never stay too long and should never laugh and smile. If you like to take the person out for a dinner to comfort her, it's alright but that is not what Chinese people do. You may ask the person whom you want to take out for a dinner.

 

(3) Don't be surprised if you see someone crying loudly. At some places in China, the funeral family even hire people to cry for the family.

 

(4) You may ask for permission to visit the grave, only if you want to. You're not expected to, though. Chinese family, above 90 percent, burn the yellow paper at the grave because they think the yellow paper will become money in the dead people's world. It's the culture we can't judge them being ridiculous. My father is never happy with me not having burned the paper for my decreased mother. I don't think there is such paper for any family to burn in America.

have a good day!

[Catherineli]

You can't give money after the funeral day because the money is given only on the funeral day. You don't hope them having another death so you don't have any chances to make up the donation. The custom varies with different places in China.