English help please please

[Catherineli]

Hi my every professor!

I believe that you're all my walking dictionaries to help me improve my English because as a Chinese I really need to learn more. I do appreciate all of you who come to this website. Today I wonder if someone could please help me make this little paragraph into a more dramatic way when I was describing my own story about our bed (Kang) in the past. Please help me to polish anywhere you think improper, esp, I want "baby crying from pain" more descripitive or vivid.

Thank you everyone and have another wonderful day!

 

Our woven Kang mat was made of cane. When it was new, the Kang mat

was braided tight and felt smooth. But when it was showing some wear, some spikes and crumbs would hurt our skin as we never put any blanket on the mat. As a baby of a few months old, once I was crying loudly twisting my body in Mom’s arms until I was tired and fell asleep. My mother recalled

that after I was lying still, she checked my body all over.

Then to her grief, she saw a big spike from the cane

penetrating right through a toe nail of mine

 

."

[Randy W]

I think that's very good, although this sounds a little severe - "she saw a big spike from the cane penetrating right through a toe nail of mine" (to me anyway).

 

It sounds like something that would draw blood - did you mean it that way?

 

Others I'm sure will have other ideas.

[Catherineli]

Thank you Randy, yes, it was severe. I was describing an accident. I pricked my toenail with a spike from the beginning to the root of my toenial, which was the way of our Kang or bed, a true story. But I guess there was no blood flowing out or my mom could have found it.

Thank you Randy! I just wanted to use some moving language to draw readers' tears out

[Doug]

spike could = sliver, or thorn

 

a big sliver of cane penetrating underneath my toenail from the tip to the root.

 

 

 

not exactly like that, but this is what I understand, I think.

[Catherineli]

Wonderful, I like this Doug!! This is what I meant, from the tip to the root with a sliver. Thank you!!

Edited May 20, 2014 by Catherineli (see edit history)

[danb]

Catherine, welcome to the forum. Your meaning of your story is pretty clear but perhaps the flow is just off a little. But it is fair better than any story I could try to tell in Chinese. That is probably because on a good day that I only know 100 Chinese words or so. Doug's suggestion of a thorn or spike is great. A splinter is another word that you could use. What is exactly a Kang?. What is it made out of? Danb

[Catherineli]

Splinter!!!! Wow, that is another word for me, a gift for me, thank you Danb. But do you mean the whole sentence is "just off flow" or you are only not sure of Kang? Do you have a better way to polish the sentence into a better one please?

Now what is Kang? let me paste the whole paragraph of "Kang." But please anyone, please let me know if there're some sentences that I should correct, I'll appreciate a lot!!

 

Our bed was called Kang. A Kang, usually two meters long or more, was a traditional platform for general living, working, entertaining and sleeping. It was made of bricks or brick-formed clay and more recently of concrete in some locations. Its interior cavity, leading to a flue, channeled the exhaust from a wood or coal cooking fire. Usually the fire would be fed from an adjacent room which served as a kitchen. A separate stove might be used for controlling the amount of smoke circulating through the Kang, maintaining comfort in warmer weather. Typically, a Kang occupied one-third to one half of the area in the room, and was for sleeping at night and for other activities during the day. While it might take several hours of heating to reach the desired surface temperature, a properly designed Kang-bed could remain warm throughout the night without the need to maintain a fire. The Kang warmth functioned like American fireplace but it was very hard to sleep on.

 

Our woven Kang mat was made of cane. When it was new, the Kang mat was braided tight and felt smooth. I could see some woven marks on my skin after a nap on it as we never put any blanket on the mat during the day time. But when it was showing some wear, some splinters or crumbs would hurt our skin As a baby of a few months old, once I was crying or rather wailing loudly writhing my body in Mom’s arms until I was tired and fell asleep. My mother recalled that after I was lying still, she checked my body all over. Then to her grief, she saw a big sliver of cane penetrating underneath of my toenail from the tip to the root.

There was another recollection. I was staying at my grandma’s family before I was three years old . A couple of interior bricks were broken with grandma’s Kang. So the broken bricks left a dent over the surface of our bed. No one knows that this pothole from the broken bricks became my first bathtub. Mom covered the dent with a piece of plastic cloth and made it a puddle to wash the baby me. Since I remember things, my parents or grandparents never allowed us children to run, kick or jumping on our Kang in case we might break some bricks or fired clay

 

 

[Randy W]

 

Splinter!!!! Wow, that is another word for me, a gift for me, thank you Danb. But do you mean the whole sentence is "just off flow" or you are only not sure of Kang? Do you have a better way to polish the sentence into a better one please?

Now what is Kang? let me paste the whole paragraph of "Kang." But please anyone, please let me know if there're some sentences that I should correct, I'll appreciate a lot!!

ba

 

Our bed was called Kang. A Kang, usually two meters long or more, was a traditional platform for general living, working, entertaining and sleeping. It was made of bricks or brick-formed clay and more recently of concrete in some locations. Its interior cavity, leading to a flue, channeled the exhaust from a wood or coal cooking fire. Usually the fire would be fed from an adjacent room which served as a kitchen. A separate stove might be used for controlling the amount of smoke circulating through the Kang, maintaining comfort in warmer weather. Typically, a Kang occupied one-third to one half of the area in the room, and was for sleeping at night and for other activities during the day. While it might take several hours of heating to reach the desired surface temperature, a properly designed Kang-bed could remain warm throughout the night without the need to maintain a fire. The Kang warmth functioned like American fireplace but it was very hard to sleep on.

 

 

 

Our woven Kang mat was made of cane. When it was new, the Kang mat was braided tight and felt smooth. I could see some woven marks on my skin after a nap on it as we never put any blanket on the mat during the day time. But when it was showing some wear, some splinters or crumbs would hurt our skin As a baby of a few months old, once I was crying or rather wailing loudly writhing my body in Mom’s arms until I was tired and fell asleep. My mother recalled that after I was lying still, she checked my body all over. Then to her grief, she saw a big sliver of cane penetrating underneath of my toenail from the tip to the root.

 

There was another recollection. When I was still less than three years old, I was staying at my grandma’s family before I was three years old . A couple of interior bricks were broken with grandma’s Kang. So the broken bricks left a dent over on the surface of our bed. No one knows that this pothole from the broken bricks became my first bathtub. Mom covered the dent with a piece of plastic cloth and made it a puddle basin to wash the baby me in. Since I remember things, my parents or grandparents never allowed us children to run, kick or jumping on our Kang in case we might break some bricks or fired clay

 

 

 

Now this is a good story! A couple of minor suggestions in red, but I hate to risk changing the flavor of the story.

[Catherineli]

Thank you Randy! I'm chewing every word you polished for me!! I'm soooooooooo happy!!! thanks again.

My greetings to everyone here who reaches out to me!!

[Randy W]

You're welcome! This is one of the more enjoyable threads in recent memory. Thank YOU!

[tsap seui]

As you can see ma'am, your writing only needed a little touching up as you are a pretty good English writer. Good luck with your writing, that was a nice story.

 

tsap seui

Edited May 21, 2014 by tsap seui (see edit history)

[Catherineli]

Thank you Mr tsap seui !! No one can finish learning a language. I just love English and its culture.

 

[danb]

Catherine, a charming story. Thank you for your explanation about what a kang is. I have never seen one except maybe on a tv show on China. But never realized that those platforms were heated. Is that type of bed more popular in the north. You can say that we have something similar in the west. A heated water bed. I wonder if a kang and a chuang the same thing? Danb

[Catherineli]

Danb, many years ago this type of bed in the north was popular both in the city and the countryside. Now only countryside uses Kang but their Kang mat is not woven cane or other grass material any more. They take use of plascitc flooring as Kang mat with beautiful patterns on. Here is the link to see the Kang pictures. In my writing of Kang, I should have added one more, "Kangs in no way promote a family privacy. Sometimes three geneations slept on one Kang one by one. More often than not, the father took the first place on the Kang, then the mother on the second position, the third one who was next to the mother was the youngest baby------ the far end of the Kang was the biggest child or the grandparent."

http://image.baidu.com/i?tn=baiduimage&ipn=r&ct=201326592&cl=2&lm=-1&st=-1&fm=index&fr=&sf=1&fmq=&pv=&ic=0&nc=1&z=&se=1&showtab=0&fb=0&width=&height=&face=0&istype=2&ie=utf-8&word=%E7%82%95

 

Catherine

Have a good day!

[Catherineli]

Hi Danb, I am very happy that I learned a new thing from you. Waterbed is so funny. I just googled it and here is a quotation I got. thank you Danb!!

Waterbeds primarily consist of two types, hard-sided beds and soft-sided beds.

A hard-sided waterbed consists of a water-containing mattress inside a rectangular frame of wood resting on a plywood deck that sits on a platform.

A soft-sided waterbed consists of a water-containing mattress inside of a rectangular frame of sturdy foam, zippered inside a fabric casing, which sits on a platform. It looks like a conventional bed and is designed to fit existing bedroom furniture. The platform usually looks like a conventional foundation or box spring, and sits atop a reinforced metal frame.

Early waterbed mattresses, and many inexpensive modern mattresses, have a single water chamber. When the water mass in these "free flow" mattresses is disturbed, significant wave action can be felt, and they need time to stabilize after a disturbance. Later types employed wave-reducing methods, including fiber batting and interconnected water chambers. More expensive "waveless" modern waterbeds have a mixture of air and water chambers, usually interconnected.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b3/Softside_Waterbed_Inside.JPG/220px-Softside_Waterbed_Inside.JPG

http://bits.wikimedia.org/static-1.24wmf4/skins/common/images/magnify-clip.png

Softside Waterbed 160 × 200 cm with two waterchambers and flexible chamberisolation inside

Water beds are normally heated. Temperature is controlled via a thermostat and set to personal preference, but is most commonly average skin temperature, 30 °C or about 86 °F. A typical heating pad consumes 150–400 watts of power. Depending on insulation, bedding, temperature, use, and other factors, electricity usage may vary significantly.

Waterbeds are usually constructed from soft polyvinyl chloride (PVC) or similar material. They can be repaired with nearly any vinyl repair kit.