China's "Leftover Women"

[A Mafan]

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Xu, a pretty woman in her 30s, warily walked into a Beijing singles club in a bid to shed her status as one of China's "Unwanted".

Xu had not been to the "Garden of Joy" for more than a year but, with time and societal judgement weighing heavily on her, she returned with cautious hopes.

"I hope to find a husband," she said, as she sat in front of a Mahjong table and awaited her date for the evening, who had been hand-picked for her by the club based on their profiles.

"I just want someone with whom I share things in common, but who is also in a better financial situation than me."

Xu, who did not want to be identified, is one of China's so-called "Sheng Nu".

The term, which translates to the "Unwanted", is derived from a phenomenon in Chinese society which affects hundreds of thousands of women, particularly the urban, educated and financially independent.

The term, which is unique to China and which only applies to women, appears in China's official dictionary and refers to "all single woman above the age of 27".

Twenty-six-year-old Summer was at the Garden of Joy for the first time, desperate to meet a man before she hit the dreaded cut-off age.

"Nothing in the world will allow me to become a Sheng Nu," she said, lamenting that for many men in China youthful looks count for a lot.

"Men don't want a woman over 30. It's important for them that she's still pretty."

A widely publicised survey in 2010 by the government-backed All China Women's Federation proved the new social phenomenon beyond doubt.

The survey showed that there were 180 million single men and women in China -- out of a population of 1.3 billion people -- and that 92 percent of men questioned believed that a woman should be married before the age of 27.

Since then, books and films on the subject have flourished and women's magazines have sought to decipher why so many are single.

"On one hand young people today work very hard and have few places to meet outside of their work, which wasn't the case earlier," Wu Di, a sociologist who has just published a book on the subject, told AFP.

"On the other hand, traditionally the Chinese say one should 'make do' when marrying. Marriage has never been synonymous with happiness.

"The new generation of women don't want to 'make do'. Many live quite well alone and don't see the point in lowering their standard or life in order to marry."

Still, the pressure on women is huge.

Part of this is due to China's one-child population control policy, which adds to the desperation of parents for their only offspring to marry and produce a grandson or granddaughter.

"The real reason for coming to this club is that I don't want to disappoint my parents. I want to make them happy," admitted Xu.

The Garden of Joy's own slogan plays on this emotion in order to attract members. "Are you single? Think about the feelings of your father/mother. Don't cause them more worry," read a sign on the entrance.

And business is booming.

The club, which opened in 2003, has two premises in Beijing and more than 12,000 members.

But, after using fear to lure the women in, the Garden of Joy offers a friendly atmosphere in the basement of a high-end business centre where women can meet prospective husbands with more than 80 different activities.

These include table tennis, billiards, board games, movies and speed dating, or outdoor ventures such as organised hiking trips.

There are also small booths where couples can sit down in a more private setting to get to know each other.

Shelly, 34, a highly educated public relations consultant who had just returned from living in the United States, was among the new members.

Since her return to China, she had avoided her relatives and even some of her close friends because of their insistence in trying to arrange dates for her.

"I'm under pressure from all sides. I feel my mother is disappointed and sad when she sees the grandchildren of her friends," she said.

But with no potential partner on the horizon, Shelly is preparing to return to the United States to do a second Masters degree -- a decision partly motivated by her desire to escape her colleagues, parents and friends.

"I think I will return to China when I am 40. I want right now to be so old, so broken that they will leave me in peace," she said.

 

Ironically, the more desperate a "shengnyu" is, probably the more adamant she will be about her standards. For two reasons:

1) Finding the best husband and best life will justify her years of waiting. It will show her parents (and most importantly, herself) that it wasn't that she was single so long because there was something wrong with her, but there was something wrong with all the "inferior" men she was meeting/dating. Self-justification is one of the most powerful sources of self-deception there is.

2) No one wants to be taken advantage of. No woman wants to be seen as desperate. The point of a big diamond (or other jewelry) and flowers and LV/Hermes purses and ostentatious weddings is that a woman feels valued and loved by having someone willing to "waste" money on her. Possibly not every woman feels this way, but it also may be that any woman that doesn't display this tendency has something else going on, like being so hurt/burned previously that all they care about is not getting hurt again, even if it means accepting a lower status in life.

 

IMHO, based on general observation.

[david_dawei]

Well, this is a deep psychological issue with pressures from history, parents, friends, and even workers. Once you start 'raising the bar' your standards get above others and you find your alone where you stand... And while your point #1 may be valid, I would argue the opposite: The more desperate the more they will be willing to 'lower their standard'... the clock does not stop ticking in their brain and it only gets louder for most.

 

But the desperation is not just on the women, otherwise The Garden of Joy would not success; it needs men who are equally desperate. And for some who don't display this tendency, they might also be simply not willing to play the game; they got off the hamster wheel long ago and simply let others spin their own wheel of games and desperation. I think their are fewer of these than the desperate.

 

This is a very interesting topic and issue in china but it simply reminds me of cultural and historical games that can literally drive their people desperate and crazy.

[warpedbored]

With the imbalance of too many men and not enough women, I suspect that Sheng Nu will change and women will be able to be as choosy as they want'

[david_dawei]

With the imbalance of too many men and not enough women, I suspect that Sheng Nu will change and women will be able to be as choosy as they want'

From a statistical point of view, yes. From a 'higher standard' point of view, statistics help but if the men are still generally 'low', it doesn't help.

 

They want to be choosy because it is a part of the 'betterment' attitude; they want to be married prior to 27 because it is a part of the cultural and historical pressure cooker; Those recalcitrant enough are simply playing a fools game on some level.

 

The problem begins with an over-acceptance of external influences to admonish one towards deciding your destiny and fate. While I understand the group/family/herd mentality and it has great insulating protectionist results... it strips one of the essential commodity of 'self'. I write that in some reservation as I do feel the concept of 'self' is corrupted and a main source of all cultural problems, but it expresses my point if I just say it that way.

[A Mafan]

The gender/power imbalance already exists.

The impact is already showing.

But what seems to be happening the most is only the alpha males end up with a wife and multiple girlfriends. the 1% vs the 99% in sexual politics.

Men are also turning to foreign brides from the even poorer nations like Burma, North Korea, and Vietnam.

And where the imbalance seems to be worst (in the countryside), they are actually purchasing kidnapped/forced brides in greater numbers.

 

 

David, the way I understand it, women are raising their standards from a "sour grapes" viewpoint. If their standards are so high no man can measure up, then it isn't that no man actually wants them, right?

 

Just like the guys in "Say Anything" who are so smart about love, but are sitting alone outside the 7/11 on a Friday night by choice.

Edited July 22, 2012 by A Mafan (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

David, the way I understand it, women are raising their standards from a "sour grapes" viewpoint. If their standards are so high no man can measure up, then it isn't that no man actually wants them, right?

OK, Interesting query if I understand it.

 

I think they are raising their standards for complex but understandable reasons:

1. China was originally a matriarchal society and despite that it shifted to male-control for thousands of years, I think a very close look at the culture shows that women never really lost the controlling aspect. They only lost the label but not the control, at the family level.

2. Betterment is a driving aspect of the culture. Chinese women, are in my opinion, better at pursuing this than the men.

3. The influence of the western way is not well understood in china but it is viewed nonetheless... and then applied in disarray at times... but they explore new meaning to life beyond the chinese way without disavowing it.

 

Having said this, and to get back to your point: "that no man actually wants them, right?"

 

I agree. It is not that men don't want them... they are not the 'ladder climbers' as are the women. Mao said that women hold up half the sky, but he neglected to add that they hold up the heavier half...

 

If the women (the sheng nu) have a higher standard for self-achievement then the men are required to be even higher than them... the problem this creates is that a higher man would be seeking a lower lady (at least lower in his eyes). In the earlier years, both sides may be thinking they can use their 'higher standard' to their own choice but there comes a time (as Garden of Joy exploits) when they realize the standard has a kind of limitation; in the end, they will both accept something lower, but in fact it is only the chinese lady who accepts something lower than her original expectation. That is why it weighs much more on their psyche.

[Doug]

I am no expert here but here are some personal observations that may or may not apply:

 

27 to 30 somethings. I talked with many. It seems most have been burned by men promising marriage and then the guy marries someone else, usually behind her back, and then one day she discovers the truth and is CRUSHED. Or there is the lady who was a lover of a guy who wanted to marry her but his family did not like her, or she lived too far away and momma wanted her son near by. The result is it leaves them not a virgin and in some cases this is what a successful man wants and maybe his family demands, like a friend of mine over there I worked with. So I found a lot of these gals looking outside of China.

 

Of course some have an attitude that the sex is very much OK and she is open and honest about the maybe 5 lovers in her life but no true love found, except the recent Western married guy who lied that he was single, looking for a good time because he does not get what he wants at home. The guy falls in love with her unexpectedly, and she him, and then one year the wife calls the lady. CRUSHED now.

 

Others do move on and do find husbands and have a child and it seems a healthier attitude, even though this life hands out lots of bumps and bruises.

 

For me, I did notice the nitpicking of little things from almost all of them, like staying up too late when - geez woman I am talking with YOU and trying to get to know YOU, and I'm half way around the world and it is not ideal for either of us, cut some slack huh???. Their schedule does not vary for you - the rules of life are number one. Of course a lot of that could just be me . I had had enough CONTROL from my ex, so I was looking for something quite diff. I understand these young gals attitude of taking care of me, I just did not care for the method. I began to confront some and they backed off, realizing that maybe not all of their standards need to be fulfilled, but I know how that goes. It will come back eventually and haunt me if hooked up with them. (Others don't care how your schedule is affected as long as it does not affect theirs, so not the right one - move on.) The sensible ones who are the best realize there is too muc age diff. in my case.

 

Some ladies are carrying a lot of baggage inside. The lost love, and abortions along the way with whoever. Lot of deep trauma with some, though they hold some high position professional jobs.

 

I am not saying all are like this, just what I discovered story after story told to me. All have been burned, except the 47 year old virgin who seems too scared to let herself be burned, and she quit her job because of a boss she feared wanted to sleep with her for promotion - still does not work.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Doug (see edit history)

[pbatt]

Interesting comments, I also read the original article and found it to be interesting.

LiYuan's brother told me it takes 150,000 rmb to properly court and marry a woman in China, A fair amount of money for many young Chinese men to save.

I suspect that a lot of young Chinese men do not have that much cash accumulated yet and with the economic improvements many young women are looking for men with lots more money to provide a better lifestyle for themselves and their family.

LiYuan also said she would never marry a Chinese man after her BF.(he was Chinese) cheated on her with another woman and then told her his family would never accept her since she grew up in the countryside around Yulin.

 

I think the economic pressures to suceed are just as much a problem there as it is here, the same pressures that stress marriages on both sides.IMHO

[david_dawei]

and then told her his family would never accept her since she grew up in the countryside around Yulin.

Yes... old habits die hard... this is probably 'lower' than divorced with children...

[tsap seui]

Chinertucky wimmins do not have an easy lot over yonder in the 5,000 year old society. Gotta be a virgin, old at 28, brother gets everything handed to him, you get to do all the work, you get raped at an early age, who's gonna marry you, diddled at the doctors office, never trusted....always never trusted...

 

Glad I got me one of Chiner's abused leftovers....give her trust and respect, and a real lube job, and she's better than she ever was, good fer another 500,000 miles as she never lost her zest for life and knew it could be better.

 

I shake my head at life sometimes....any of them ol' boys in Chiner that thinks a virgin is the bomb, or them mad bombers who blow themselves up with visions of a bunch of virgins...man they jes ain't been around the block enough.

 

tsap seui

 

I always called Wenyan my lil' mail order bride, what is she now, my leftover mail order bride?