Starting Over - Needing some Advice

[honeybun]

I would also reconsider this. Something about that message from her sets off alarm bells for me. It looks like she wrote that in response to what you described was the process for applying for an immigrant visa, and she replied that you need to set her up with money in the bank, property, and a business so that she can get a tourist/business visa as a workaround (i.e., fraudulant) way of getting into the US. The wording of the message, and please don't take offense to this, sounded like you are her tool. I'm sure her other messages are different, but this one might be the most revealing one. It sounds like a con job, where manipulation and red flags are easily overlooked when you still have a hole in your heart/life from the recent exit of your last leading lady.

 

Yes, I may be reading a lot into this, but you sound like a nice, wonderful guy in a vulnerable position with an open heart, and this person is coming off as someone who needs you for a purpose at this moment -- for a "project" that needs to be handled, where "moves are made," and she needs you to just listen to what she says so you can avoid paying big. On top of that, she knows you'll be easier to convince once you go and get "phsysically acquainted" with her. Even how she inserts your name in there, "you must come here 1st jim," does not sound right to me.

[jtaylo69]

I'd suggest much more time together.

 

I haven't been to the Philippines, but its got some obvious advantages, in that many (if not most) speak English. Is she Catholic ? If so, are you? ---are you going to Church with her---and her family?

 

Is she from a large family? If so, have you met them?---and how do they feel about you? ---from what I have read, the age difference is probably of even less importance in the Philippines than it is in China, but like China, there is a strong family bond---she may push that to the background to get what she wants, short term---travel to America---with you---but if you aren't part of her extended family back in the Philippines.........

 

..... Will it last any longer than round one?

 

From what I can gather, she's not from a big family. No, I have not been there yet but soooooo Ready to go. We;ve chatted online for about a year, called her more times than my phone bill can handle, LOL. She's not very religious. I want so much to learn more about their culture, but many places on the net only gives bits & pieces. If I knew more, it would hopefully help me to understand more about them, LOL

Allow to add to Kim's question a bit...

 

From your posts you seem wild eyed and giddy again, which is good, but does that cloud your judgement? Meaning, what did you learn from your first try? What warnings, red flags, did you ignore that you won't this time?

Why not search for someone already here? If it's an Asian woman you want, there are many here looking for a good man. Have you given them a try?

 

From what others on this board did successfully on their second try was to marry in China, live a while or visit frequently with extended stays to develop very solid relationships before attempting to file. Are you also considering how important it is that you leave no doubt in the VO's mind that your relationship is more than just infatuation after a visit or two with email promises?

 

Good luck to you.

 

yes, in some ways you are right, I am a bit giddy, however this go round, I think I am going into this with my eyes wide open. This time, "I AM" looking to see just how well she communicates with her family and those supposedly close to her network. I AM looking at things like, How well does she keep her home, does she pay close attention to the needs of her children (if any), does she & will she prepare meals, paying attention to what others like etc. Is she more focused on her work or her family. That allone can say alot about the person. If they are more focused on their work, more than likely they are only focused upon themselves and to what they can achieve out of life for themselves.

 

I AM looking at other things as well. Things like, Is she pushing to come here or if it really matters to her if she & that special someone could live happily in her native land....How well and often does she respond to emails or chatts. Does she seem to keep to the subject at hand in those messages or does she go off on a tangent on something else, totaly disregarding anything you say. How close to attantion does she pay towards special dates, achievements, promotions etc. Also, I Look to see if she puts me on a pedistal in her life, or am I just another family member or close friend etc.

 

Yes, maybe I am over reacting and scrutinizing things a bit much. But these are just a few of the small things that I should have been paying close attention to with the first one. With the first one, I was soooooo deeply in love with, I failed to noticed things like, her family only came over to see her, when she called them. She only cleaned the house when a certain friends would come over. She always insisted in eating out. And lets not get into the constant shopping for "Bargins"....When it came to dealing with the immigration folks and various paperwork, she always seemed 2 steps ahead of me, knowing what to file & when.........After getting her here to the states, it was like we could not get married fast enough for her. ...Next, it was all about staying on "HER" timeline to get things filed, telling me as to where we needed to go and when.....Once she had her 3yr card, it was straight to work for one of the local chinese restarunts, working 18hr days for money under the table..then she just had to learn to drive, she wanted to do things on her own (Which to me, ok great! less running around for me) Bought her a new car she just had to have.....Next she just had to go back to school to get her cosmitology lisence (Which I had to pay for-she insisted), even though I tried to explain to her that unless one worked in places like LA, NY etc, she would most likely never make much money in this field, unless she was prepared to stay right at it, build her clientel and accept the fact that 90% of those going into this field here in the USA, will drop out of it within the first 3 years due to the low income.(which she finally came to realize that I was right)

 

Yes, I am a truck driver. Yes, I am gone out on the road for most of the week. But when I get home for my 34hr restart, it was Me playing catch up on all of the house cleaning, clothes, floors, stacks of dishes, going through the bills, taking out a weeks worth of trash, cleaning shower stalls etc Never once had she helped me in keeping the house presentable any one who might come by. And if someone from my family did come by, she was just down right rude. Almost like her getting on her Menstral Cycle and running them over on it..

 

You mentioned something about why not look at those Asian women already here? I would, IF there were any around my area. those that are already here, are either Already married, WAY TO YOUNG (barely off momma's skirt tail), gay, or so damn rich their noses are stuck up in the air and wouldn't see a mack truck if it hit them in the face. And those that could have been available, the ex (I later found out) would go around asking other women if they would like to have "her husband. If so, she would give me to them" That alone by itself told me I was nothing more than a piece of cattle at the auction block. I can only imagin what those ladies were thinging about me.

 

But as far as the current lady at hand....While yes, I do like her very much, I am in no way going to just keep my eyes foused on her. This go round, I am looking at a total of 6 young ladies, ages from 26 up to my age, paying very close attention to those things I mentioned before. Each one knows that they are "In a Pool with others from their area" and in no way, am I about to get tottally serious or attempt to get my dip stick wet until it's down to the final one. And so, also knowing how things rapidly chances with USCIS, I figured that it might be best if I get brought back up to date, this time, hoping that my fellow CFL'rs will be able to help me see any possible red flags as well as assist me in various decision makings.

 

Thanks guys & gals

[knloregon]

"...I figured that it might be best if I get brought back up to date, this time, hoping that my fellow CFL'rs will be able to help me see any possible red flags as well as assist me in various decision makings...."

 

"...I AM looking at things like, How well does she keep her home, does she pay close attention to the needs of her children (if any), does she & will she prepare meals...."

 

Holy Shit! Jtaylo, you don't even know if she has kids or not ~ !?!? ....And this is the gal you want to marry???

 

---ok, here comes the advice---and Red Flag--- from (this) fellow CFL'er ---- you either get on a plane, and spend time with her ---( I prescribe months---in your case) , or IMHO--- stop posting here---it makes us all look like a bunch of Neanderthals if we are going to engage you on some kind of rational basis, knowing how casually you take relationships. And in the case of your first wife, everything you post about here, seems like she's the rational one, IMHO ---

 

 

 

 

 

[warpedbored]

I don't know your new sweetie so I won't in any way judge her. I will advise you to be very careful though since there seems to be a lot of Filipina scammers.

[dnoblett]

I don't know your new sweetie so I won't in any way judge her. I will advise you to be very careful though since there seems to be a lot of Filipina scammers.

Very true, why do you think Philippines is in a class by itself on the visa bulletin, and WAY over subscribed?

 

http://travel.state.gov/visa/bulletin/bulletin_1360.html

 

There is a sub forum at VJ for PI...

 

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/forum/129-philippines/

[DennisLeiqin]

You mentioned something about why not look at those Asian women already here? I would, IF there were any around my area. those that are already here, are either Already married, WAY TO YOUNG (barely off momma's skirt tail), gay, or so damn rich their noses are stuck up in the air and wouldn't see a mack truck if it hit them in the face. And those that could have been available, the ex (I later found out) would go around asking other women if they would like to have "her husband. If so, she would give me to them" That alone by itself told me I was nothing more than a piece of cattle at the auction block. I can only imagin what those ladies were thinging about me.

 

 

Wait a minute...just because there aren't available Asian ladies in your immediate area you choose to look on the other side of the world for one?

 

Doesn't make any sense.

Edited April 16, 2012 by DennisLeiqin (see edit history)

[Doug]

Dennis is right about that. I found a few that would talk to me right here in the USA, from New York, to Chicago (lovely lady) to Kansas, to Arizona, ot CA. I just was not ready. I am in my 2nd go round... well in a holding patern.

 

Also, you need to go visit her and not get so dang serious and se how it goes. Then if OK see her agina and again and DON"T LET HER QUIT HER JOB, or rearage her life expecting you to bring her to the states. If you see she is not it, you will want her to survive and you don't need a guilt trip put on you. If she is the wrong one she will tell you years later that you should have left her and let her figure out how to survive. I say this because it gets so ugly as we all know in split ups, one way or the other. Make dang sure she keeps doingwhat ever she is doing to live. Don't make promisis. YOU need to find out what is right for you and make sure what her motives are.

 

PS: I also thought her letter was a red flag. I didn't like the tone, and the demands for her being set up, leaves you hi and dry. I chated with some from the Phillipeans. Never again. Too poor of a contry and lots of scaming. Just my opinion.

Edited April 18, 2012 by Doug (see edit history)

[Bigguy_33]

--- stop posting here---it makes us all look like a bunch of Neanderthals if we are going to engage you on some kind of rational basis, knowing how casually you take relationships. And in the case of your first wife, everything you post about here, seems like she's the rational one, IMHO ---

 

 

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[William Lee]

I didn't read everything and I don't know the whole story. If I you were you test her. Since you and her are not married, I would ask one of your friends to help and travel to the Philippines. How did you two meet ? Ask your friend to try to meet her the same way. Ask your friend to pick her up and date her.

 

Ask your friend to ask questions. Like if there are any other relationships and see how truthful are her answers are.

 

You could also test her by telling her both of you are living in the Philipines for 10 to 15 years. She is not going to the USA that soon. She will be about 35 to 40 by that time. It seems like she wants to get to the USA as soon as possible by any means.

 

I wonder what she will say and do ? Will she leave you now instead of later ?

Edited April 19, 2012 by William Lee (see edit history)

[jtaylo69]

You mentioned something about why not look at those Asian women already here? I would, IF there were any around my area. those that are already here, are either Already married, WAY TO YOUNG (barely off momma's skirt tail), gay, or so damn rich their noses are stuck up in the air and wouldn't see a mack truck if it hit them in the face. And those that could have been available, the ex (I later found out) would go around asking other women if they would like to have "her husband. If so, she would give me to them" That alone by itself told me I was nothing more than a piece of cattle at the auction block. I can only imagin what those ladies were thinging about me.

 

 

Wait a minute...just because there aren't available Asian ladies in your immediate area you choose to look on the other side of the world for one?

 

Doesn't make any sense.

 

While I have "TRIED" looking into a couple of dating sites here in the usa (ie. Match.com, ehaemoney.com etc) none of them seemed to have the kind of lady I was looking for. I've been trying to look in areas that I drive to (Philly, Jersey, & Tampa) but I'm never there long enough to just sit down and talk. So yeah, any suggestions, I'm all ears.

 

To knloregon, it appears to me that "MAYBE" you did not read everything before you casted your vote for me to leave this site and stop posting here. That's all well and good, we are all human and sometimes we just don't take the time to see the big picture. I forgive you. No, I am not a casual person when it comes to relationships, and no, (just in case you are thinking this) I am NOT using CFL as a dating site. I am still here because I know from the past, (Those of us who have been around for a while) we joined together like brothers & sisters to help each other to see things what we ourselves could not at the time, saving each other from possible heart breaks. I personally feel that we here at CFL, WE ARE A FAMILY. Some of us, after we get married, we go on with our lives and forget about or we get so wrapped up in our personal lives, we forget about not only our own familes, but also, our extended ones as well. But sooner or later, we tend to come back, if for nothing else to catch up on old times and to see how others are doing, and to share what has been going on in our own lives.

 

So....

Like I had mentioned, there "were" a total of 6, and after a few more rounds of Q&A's We are now down to 4. When I stateted : "I AM looking at things like, How well does she keep her home, does she pay close attention to the needs of her children (if any), does she & will she prepare meals" what I was saying here was, to those that I am speaking with, some have of them have kids, in which one of them, I'm finding myself chatting with the kids as well, which is actually cool. Why, because not only do we talk about what they did at school, we also chat about what "momma's doing, how she reacts when we chat or on the phone, what they did or where did they go, etc. (Sometimes, kids can be a great window to see what others may not).In this paticular case, this lady has two fine young boys, one 13 & the other 8. Both of them tell me that there are many nights when momma stays up late just waiting to see if I am going to come online, knowing it may be a possibility with me being out here on the road all of the time.

 

The boys are sooo eager to want to learn to fish (something they had never had the chace to do) while the younger one is always sending me emails about his day at school was and which girl he teased that day. Sometimes he tells me that his mother has made comments about what did he thought if I were to come there to live with them, in which case, as all young kids get, he gets all up and excited, telling me that his mom told him that she's keeping her fingers crossed & how he's been watching her to see who she chats with, to only see that she now only chats & writes emails to me & her sister. (Which, I guess could be a good thing) but only time will tell, right?

 

There are two lovely lady's now that I am leaning more towards mainly because when I tossed the Idea of going over there to live verses living here, it was like they were cool with that and wanted to know what all my skills were so as to try and help me look for possible jobs. So to me, (Don't know if it's a smoke screen or not) but to me, that tells me that they couldn't care less either way of either staying there or comming to the USA, just as long as they were able to find the right guy.

 

The one that I was really looking into (at the start of this thread) I've decided that may she's "NOT THE ONE" based upon what a couple of you had stated, as well as a hunch I got. I began looking back over all of the emails, letters and chatts that we had, & It dawned on me that she had only been comming online alot when ever she thought she could use me as her personal banker or get her out of a financial bind. (why I did not see this before is beyond me) But thanks to those that pointed me in the right direction as to what to look for.

 

Well, I guess that's all for now, got to hit the hay for my next load. But will check in hopefully later this week. Thanks all for your input. It's worth millions.

[DennisLeiqin]

You mentioned something about why not look at those Asian women already here? I would, IF there were any around my area. those that are already here, are either Already married, WAY TO YOUNG (barely off momma's skirt tail), gay, or so damn rich their noses are stuck up in the air and wouldn't see a mack truck if it hit them in the face. And those that could have been available, the ex (I later found out) would go around asking other women if they would like to have "her husband. If so, she would give me to them" That alone by itself told me I was nothing more than a piece of cattle at the auction block. I can only imagin what those ladies were thinging about me.

 

 

Wait a minute...just because there aren't available Asian ladies in your immediate area you choose to look on the other side of the world for one?

 

Doesn't make any sense.

 

While I have "TRIED" looking into a couple of dating sites here in the usa (ie. Match.com, ehaemoney.com etc) none of them seemed to have the kind of lady I was looking for. I've been trying to look in areas that I drive to (Philly, Jersey, & Tampa) but I'm never there long enough to just sit down and talk. So yeah, any suggestions, I'm all ears.

 

 

J, you may know or not that I live in SoCal within the largest concentration of Asians living in the US. I am pretty active within the community too. Seems like not a week goes by that my wife isn't asked by some Chinese woman to help her find an American husband. Unfortunately, most of these women do not belong to an internet introduction site. Sitll, Chinese ladies often ask me how to go about getting connected with American men and I explain to them about Match, eHarmony etc. I have even helped a few times with help joining a site and sometimes with their profile etc. In fact, I met my wife through AsianFriendFinders where I stated in my profile that I was only looking for Asian ladies already living in the US and who could speak English. My wife was living in Alaska when we connected.

 

The point is, there are many ladies out there. Instead of planning your vacation to PI or China you would simply plan to visit the US or Canadian city where the prospective woman lives.

 

Anyways, that's my pitch. Can't say that I blame anyone who chooses to go on another fantasy trek to the orient either.

[knloregon]

Point taken, Big Guy....

[Doug]

I found plenty of Chinese ladies in the states on chineselovelinks.com (CLL) Sure most are in China but You can search by location. There are plenty here. I imagine other sites are the same. I don't care for the domestic websites. I bought a year on CLL but turned it off for awhile. I used to post uner "SheLikesMe?" before the divorce. If I wanted I could let me ex line me up, and she even had a lady over for dinner once.

 

Glad to see your searching more. I had decided I wanted domestic and blondes, but the more I think about it........... the Asian ladies are sure put together right.

[jtaylo69]

That's for the Advice & I'll definately be looking into it Here in the carolinas. Like yourself, I too am on that Asian site, and like yourself, I find that most of them are from china etc. I've tried looking into Match.com, however, seems there isn't much activity (like you said) so in about 6 months, I'll most likely let the Subscription go.

 

So you see folks, like I said before, this is why we hear (those who've been her for quite sometime) are still here. We ARE A CLOSE KNIT FAMILY. we already know the challanges that each of us have, already have or those that are just beginning their trek. So when antoher is having issues, or, what ever, we are here to help.

 

Thanks Guys.

[Zhou Zhou]

I would sure visit her a few times to learn more about her, family and culture. And then use the fiancee visa to check things out when she comes to the US. Can't be to carefull, imho. Good luck, amigo!