Chinese Marriage Customs

[James1]

What are the marriage customs in china? Are the parents expected to buy the children¡¯s house? My wife says her son borrowed money from one of her friends to buy a house for him and his fianc¨¦e, and wants us to start sending money to him to pay it back. She says I don¡¯t understand Chinese custom. She is 49 and I am 55. I have tried to tell her that we need to get better prepared for when we are to old to work. We have been married for almost 3 yrs now, and in almost everything else it is a good marriage. But this issue is really casing a rift between us. It seems to be a matter of ¡°Face¡± to her. She says I just don¡¯t understand and her English is not good enough to explain it to me. I am looking for others insight, and has anyone else faced this kind of issue?

[Beachey]

I have read in many articles where a Chinese man is expected to have an apartment, a car and a job before he marries. In other words, he is expected to have a lifestyle that the bride can enjoy. Contrast this to the American concept of building a life together. However, I think this is also a more modern Chinese concept and more true in the larger Chinese cities.

 

It is likely that your son's fiance would not have agreed to marry unless they bought the apartment. And borrowing money among friends and relatives is extremely common in China and in cases like this lending is close to obligatory. Again contrast this to America where lending family money is usually a bad idea.

 

Also keep in mind that traditionally her son is responsible for his parents in old age so there is no need for your wife to save for retirement. However, your wife living in America married to you is not a traditional situation.

 

Whether you are in a position to send the money only you can decide.

Edited September 24, 2011 by Beachey (see edit history)

[dan1984]

This is the case, generally speaking, in China. One reason now that many times a young couple would want to have a daughter as opposed to a son is to relive their financial burden. Beyond just raising a child, educating them, etc, it has now, in many cases, become the parents of the husband in a newly married couple who will buy an apartment for said couple. Housing prices, as you know, in China are sky high - especially in places like Beijing, Shanghai, Shenzhen, etc. Many times the price per square foot in a new apartment will be over 40,000rmb. What newly married couple just out of college has this kind of money, and what is the likelihood they will anytime soon making the average 2500-4500rmb/month during their 1st year or two out of college. Heck, that's barely enough to rent your own apartment, let alone buy one. I'm a 27 year old guy living in Beijing currently, and as many of my Chinese friends have gotten married, and just in talking with friends in general, it often is the parents who feel obligated/the pressure/etc to buy their son an apartment.

 

I know where you're coming from though. Unless a person is rich and money isn't tight, planning for one's own retirement is already enough of a burden, let along buying an extremely expensive apartment halfway across the world!

[Kyle]

I just don't know about all of this. I don't think you can find a blanket custom that fits all of China. While mentalities concerning marriage/duty might be more consistent throughout China, actions will ultimately vary depending on region and local tradition. I think a lot of time people say "You don't understand Chinese custom" which more accurately translates "You don't understand how I was raised to do it" The latter meaning will obviously vary from region-to-region.

[credzba]

What are the marriage customs in china? Are the parents expected to buy the children¡¯s house? My wife says her son borrowed money from one of her friends to buy a house for him and his fianc¨¦e, and wants us to start sending money to him to pay it back.

 

I think your missing the "face" part of this. It is not whether this is a Chinese custom or not, the "face" issue is not owing relatives money.

Certainly young couples are expected to have their own place to live, however that occurs.

In this case their relatives were comfortable with lending him the money to buy an apartment. The issue now is to pay back the relatives as quickly as possible.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable to send him money. Certainly the wife should not be asking you to send money if she is doing nothing.

I can only reflect on my own situation, and if my wife wanted to send all of her salary to family in China, I wouldn't care. I figure I paid the bills before we married, I don't need her money now.

 

If on the otherhand she wanted me to send a significant amount of my salary, then there would be a more difficult conversation.

Thats not to say I wouldn't help some where I could, but not at the expense of our own family.

[chilton747]

Wife told me long ago that it is the mother's position to buy a house for the son.

[garfield529]

I think Kyle hit it right on the head. My wife and I were talking about this post and she said that many people in China use this idea of a specific custom as an "excuse" to obtain financial or material leverage. If this is what your wife wants you to do, then that is what she wants you to do, but it is not a custom you can apply to all Chinese culture. Historically there have been many different types of customs that have come and gone and the cultural revolution certainly did away with many of them, yet they are back in vogue just like someone who wants to be a grocery-cart-Christian. Ultimately, you have to work it out with your wife, cuz you know how great an unhappy Chinese wife can be....

[honeybun]

agree with everything Beachey said. Buying house for son is common for many Chinese, borrowing money from friends and relatives is also common. (whether or not all Chinese do it seems irrelevant; of course not all do, people are different. but many do)

 

Whether you should be the one paying the loan back isn't clear to me. If you're going to be moving into the house with him when you get old, it makes sense to me. Is the son paying anything back on it? His dad? Can you afford it and still meet your retirement needs? Do you trust what your wife is telling you about the loan? All relevant questions that only you and your wife can answer, I think.

 

In addition to the issue of 'face' raised by Credzba, perhaps your wife is not confident that she'll be totally taken care of in the USA in her old age.

[dan1984]

Agree.

 

I just don't know about all of this. I don't think you can find a blanket custom that fits all of China. While mentalities concerning marriage/duty might be more consistent throughout China, actions will ultimately vary depending on region and local tradition. I think a lot of time people say "You don't understand Chinese custom" which more accurately translates "You don't understand how I was raised to do it" The latter meaning will obviously vary from region-to-region.

[david_dawei]

What are the marriage customs in china? Are the parents expected to buy the children¡¯s house? My wife says her son borrowed money from one of her friends to buy a house for him and his fianc¨¦e, and wants us to start sending money to him to pay it back.

 

I think your missing the "face" part of this. It is not whether this is a Chinese custom or not, the "face" issue is not owing relatives money.

Certainly young couples are expected to have their own place to live, however that occurs.

In this case their relatives were comfortable with lending him the money to buy an apartment. The issue now is to pay back the relatives as quickly as possible.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable to send him money. Certainly the wife should not be asking you to send money if she is doing nothing.

I can only reflect on my own situation, and if my wife wanted to send all of her salary to family in China, I wouldn't care. I figure I paid the bills before we married, I don't need her money now.

 

If on the otherhand she wanted me to send a significant amount of my salary, then there would be a more difficult conversation.

Thats not to say I wouldn't help some where I could, but not at the expense of our own family.

This raises another 'cultural' issue for some; that he chinese lady more often is the one who has charge and oversight of ALL the money in the marriage. That she has no control over the money is a big shock to some. And IMO, it isn't a small shift but can be a serious psychological and emotional shift.

[James1]

This raises another 'cultural' issue for some; that he chinese lady more often is the one who has charge and oversight of ALL the money in the marriage. That she has no control over the money is a big shock to some. And IMO, it isn't a small shift but can be a serious psychological and emotional shift.

 

 

 

I have tried to get her more involved in our finances, bur she says she doesn't understand American ways enough yet. I am still working in getting her more involved. I keep up with all the regular bills, but anything outside of I don't do unless we discuss it.

As for the other I just have a hard time with the idea of giving money to her son, when I will not do it for my two. It doesn't seem right to me, I don't feel I should do for one what I will not do for another. Her argument is they are in American and they don't need the help like he does in China. I don't mind helping him a little, but paying for all is another thing!

[Cassie]

What are the marriage customs in china? Are the parents expected to buy the children’s house? My wife says her son borrowed money from one of her friends to buy a house for him and his fiancée, and wants us to start sending money to him to pay it back. She says I don’t understand Chinese custom. She is 49 and I am 55. I have tried to tell her that we need to get better prepared for when we are to old to work. We have been married for almost 3 yrs now, and in almost everything else it is a good marriage. But this issue is really casing a rift between us. It seems to be a matter of “Face” to her. She says I just don’t understand and her English is not good enough to explain it to me. I am looking for others insight, and has anyone else faced this kind of issue?

In China,if you have a son, you actually want to work your ass out just for the son.Like my parents,they bought the house and car for my brother,even now ,he is taking care of everything for my brother.For Chinese parents,the son is everything for them.They can live a bad life but not the son.

But ,it also depends on how rich u r ,if you r not rich enough,not mention buying a house,you cant even pay your own bill.Anyways ,its up to you.But son is really important for the parents.

[chilton747]

James, does your wife work?

[James1]

James, does your wife work?

 

Yes

[haihai]

What I know of many sons in china is they sit on their lazy azz all day and drink, smoke and complain they can not find work. Sure was happy we had daughters, I find the women in china seem to work a lot harder than the men.

 

 

 

I am sure some will disagree but I did see it with my own eyes