Familys U.S/China

[Zhenghong]

Sorry i have not make letter for some time now.

I been busy with my family.

 

Again I'm sorry for all question i ask.

 

But i need to understand why U.s family not very close to each other?

 

Michael bother live very close to our house and brother never come to our house.

 

he and hie wife only come to our house hen they want something.

 

Michael and his father are very close and talk on phone every day.

 

Me and michael and his bother and his wife work together everyday.

But do not spend no time together on off time.

 

My question is Why do U.s familys do not spend time together.

 

In my country of chongqing we spend many days and hours together with family.

We eat food together and spend good time as family.

 

Why U.s not same???

[Sebastian]

Hey Hong...

 

I thought about a longish answer to your question - maybe I'll write it later - but - mostly ...

 

The parents' main job is to teach the child to be totally independent. Once the majority age is reached, it's time to go.

 

The measure of 'how well the parent did' - is how often (or not) the child moves back with his/her parents AFTER getting the first job after college.

 

IMO, it all hinges around 'face' - the 'face' of the parents.

 

Nota.Bene.: The Above Was Opinion - if it doesn't match yours - hey !! come here, have a beer, lets talk about fishing and horse manure instead..

[GZBILL]

Some families are close, some not. My brother lives on the other side of town and we may exchange an email or two in a year. Every few years we might get together for lunch or something, but we just live different lives and seem to both like it that way.

 

By the same token, if he ever needs help I'll do anything in my power to help him or his family. I know he would do the same for me. We just don't socialize together.

 

 

I think OP raises a very valid and interesting observation.

 

I see families in China as, in general, much more cohesive than in the States -- especially with the "modern" American family. Part of the reason may be economics and part may be the one-child policy, but I don't think that explains it all.

 

In any event, it is one of the many advantages that China has.

[Zhou Zhou]

I have seen how close families are in China...and friendships from school days will last forever...it's all amazing to me. My family is spread out all over the world w/o communications or reunions. Those that preach family values are the worst at visiting or being around when we want to visit them...Usonians have forgotten about family ties, connections or loyalties.

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

 

My question is Why do U.s familys do not spend time together.

 

In my country of chongqing we spend many days and hours together with family.

We eat food together and spend good time as family.

 

Why U.s not same???

 

This is a question that can be so easily dismissed as being a cultural issue or that American people tend to move away from one another. In truth, it's a relatively recent phenomenon that American families rarely spend time with one another. While family anywhere varies from person to person, and family to family, in truth, family holds little value with most employers and in the American culture in general.

 

When you look back 40-years ago and beyond, Christmas and Thanksgiving were an important time for families to be together, and Easter also. These were predominately Christian religious holidays. Everybody got together, and if for some reason you couldn't make it, it was heartbreaking for you and your family. These days, fewer and fewer workers have enough holidays and vacation per year to spend time with family. Mom and dad might be in one city, and sister and brother in another. It's hard for everyone to get leave at the same time, and meet in the same place. Many families have chosen that rather than trying to get together with family, they take a "family vacation" together, and Mom, Dad, and kids take off for a week or so.

 

It's all pretty cotton-picking sad really and there is no good excuse for it.

[knloregon]

In any event, it is one of the many advantages that China has.

 

So true, and it goes much deeper than most westerners realize, including extended family investment, counseling, and the expectation that you will not fail, or shame the extended family. Its huge, and its a distinct Chinese competitive advantage in this century.

[Guest Pommey]

This has been something Jin has commented on alot, but its not true of all. We have noticed and she really likes the closeness of the Native American and Latino families.

 

The contrast you see between them and the isolated white families is striking to say the least.

 

In saying that we are pretty isolated ,with our families in the UK and China (so thats our excuse) however even so Jin talks to her family every single day by web cam and email, I talk to my parents maybe once a month, my siblings very rarely.

 

Culture to some maybe is a part, laziness, too busy, bad relations or a mix.

[Guest jin979]

my impression is that westen culture teaches children to be selfice. independance is considered strenght and this has lead to seperation from/within families.

[samsong]

Times are different. Or, times have changed.

Advancements in technology is to blame for alot of it. Globalization is also to blame. Both of those factors has changed the family ties of yesteryear. It has made us superficial and not committed to family as we once were so many years ago when survival depended on it.

[Bert]

Life is a lot more complicated in the US. A typical family has 2 or 3 kids. Mom has to to Joey to football practice, Mary to piano lessons, an Mikey to swimming practice. Their lives revolve around their children, including the social circles. They simply don't have time for life outside their own family. If they do, it is usually with the wife's side of the family, it seems.

 

A young guy's wife recently had a baby. He started applying a year before the baby was born just so he could put the baby in the best day care. There's a heck of a lot of competition to get the very best for your kids. The younger generation is very family oriented, yet even more selfish. They put their family before work. They don't mind coming into work late and leaving early. I couldn't have gotten by doing that at that age. I had a colleague schedule a meeting with about 8 people. He calls while we are all sitting around waiting for him and explains that he forgot that he had to read to his son in class that day. "Sorry." But, they are not to concerned about there brother's and sisters families, nor their parents. The same guy's wife's mother, literally kidnapped her own mother, got power of attorney, dropped her mother off at a nursing home unannounced, sped off as fast as she could, and spent the money as fast as she could. There is no sense any more of taking care of your parents anymore, no dependency like in China. This is mostly due to the government safety nets. Social security is there to take care of your parents. If they get old and demented, taking all their assets and dropping them off at a nursing home seems to be the way it is handled today. The government will take care of them. I just saw Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino on the way back from China. He seems to make a similar social commentary.

 

If you loose your job, the government is there to help. You don't have to depend on family. I suppose some of it is due to the greater mobility of Americans. We are free to go any where we want in search of employment. It has scattered us over the US and the world. It is not necessarily a bad thing. I blame most of the disintegration of the American family, however, on the government safety nets. It allows us to be less dependent on family and one another.

 

That's my two cents.

[IllinoisDave]

The "ideal family life" is different for every family, no matter the culture. And as always, over-generalizations of any country or culture are never good.

 

While some may consider the lack of "closeness" among some families in the US after fledglings have left the nest to be a cultural deficiency, others may find the same defiency in the practice of some Chinese families to leave their children in the countryside while they work in the city and only seen them once a year for a week or two.

 

There are many dynamics at play in both countries that account for differences in the definition of the "ideal family life."

[jsa23]

my impression is that westen culture teaches children to be selfice.

 

I'm not sure if it's western culture as a whole, but there is a subset of parents who essentially treat their children as if they can do no wrong, and whatever they do is great, which I think is probably a reflection of your observation of "teaching children to be selfish".

 

My mother is a teacher, and I've heard her talk on numerous occasions about instances where a student doesn't show up to class/puts forth no effort/is consistently rude, and yet parents will act as if the teacher is to blame.

 

 

independance is considered strenght and this has lead to seperation from/within families.

 

I certainly agree with you that there's a big difference between Chinese and western cultures in this regard. However, independence can still coexist with being a supportive, caring family member. Just because you're not living next door to your parents, and are making your own decisions about what to do with your life doesn't mean you can't be a loving, supportive family member when your family needs you.

 

And I think we'd agree that Chinese families tend to be on the total other end of the dependence/independence spectrum from American families in this regard, but in my experience it sometimes can get carried to an extreme, and have negative impacts at times. I've observed situations where a child is burdened by parental expectations, and the parents are essentially giving orders to their adult child on how they should run their life based on the parents' beliefs, even if those orders cause the child unhappiness.

 

I think a feeling of closeness and responsibility to family members is generally a good thing, but I also think family members should support each other out of love, not because one family member is telling another what to do with their life. In my opinion, "independence" means making one's own decisions, and in itself is not a bad thing, as long as one is willing to be there for friends and family when needed.

Edited May 17, 2009 by jsa23 (see edit history)

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

 

I'm not sure if it's western culture as a whole, but there is a subset of parents who essentially treat their children as if they can do no wrong, and whatever they do is great, which I think is probably a reflection of your observation of "teaching children to be selfish"......

 

 

I think a feeling of closeness and responsibility to family members is generally a good thing, but I also think family members should support each other out of love, not because one family member is telling another what to do with their life. In my opinion, "independence" means making one's own decisions, and in itself is not a bad thing, as long as one is willing to be there for friends and family when needed.

 

Whatever the path it took to get there, the bottom line is people will be where they want to be. If they want to be with their family, then, they will do the things in life that allows that to happen. Many American children have sacrificed job promotion, economic and social gain so that they could be closer to their parents and siblings.

[Guest shutterbug]

The "ideal family life" is different for every family, no matter the culture. And as always, over-generalizations of any country or culture are never good.

 

While some may consider the lack of "closeness" among some families in the US after fledglings have left the nest to be a cultural deficiency, others may find the same defiency in the practice of some Chinese families to leave their children in the countryside while they work in the city and only seen them once a year for a week or two.

 

There are many dynamics at play in both countries that account for differences in the definition of the "ideal family life."

 

Well put.

 

Tens of millions of migrants work in cities, leaving children and elderly in the countryside; even some city couples live apart. Some of it is the legacy of the Hukou system, even though it is not the shackle it once was, it still gives parents headaches when their children reach school age; but some couples do make such a decision on their own free will, and in their mind by improving the family's financial well-being they are putting family first.

 

More closeness also means less personal space, where the right balance is really depends on the people involved. One example: most Chinese parents are absolutely terrified their teenage children may get sidetracked in school by attraction of the opposite sex, they are relieved when the children sail through school without incident; before long they are terrified again when the same children are not in a rush to get married, so they go to a park holding a cardboard with the children's vital information, looking for matches by talking to similarly terrified parents of the opposite sex. This is a rather extreme example, but it does happen. In the months leading up to the Olympics last year, I read in the papers that the authorities closed down such gatherings in various parks in Beijing. I thought it was as comical as the gatherings themselves.

 

Expecting someone to do something for you is a two-way street. The typically Chinese parents expect their children to take care of them when they get old; on the other hand the typical Chinese sons and daughters expect their parents to support them well into adulthood. In some parts of the country, parents (usually those of the groom's) are expected to buy an apartment for the love birds. I know an elderly couple who literally bankrupted themselves to get their first-born married, they had no idea on how to do it all over again for the younger son. (Of course, I find the traditions here expecting the bride's family to pay for the wedding just silly as well. The "average" cost of a wedding in the US is hardly pocket change for the "average" parents.) A few years ago my dad lamented the fact that many recent college graduates in China couldn't find a job so they lived with their parents doing nothing. He blamed the schools for dramatically increasing enrollment, when clearly there weren't so many jobs for them. Back in my days college admission was far more selective and everyone was guarantteed a job. I told my dad it was the parents' fault to raise children who feel entitled to financial support perpetually.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am all for close family ties and call my folks several times a week. I just don't see a "perfect" model.

Edited May 17, 2009 by shutterbug (see edit history)

[Guest shutterbug]

...The younger generation is very family oriented, yet even more selfish. They put their family before work. They don't mind coming into work late and leaving early. I couldn't have gotten by doing that at that age. I had a colleague schedule a meeting with about 8 people. He calls while we are all sitting around waiting for him and explains that he forgot that he had to read to his son in class that day. "Sorry." ...

 

It's utterly unprofessionaly to schedule a meeting and then fail to show up. I agree with your sentiment there completely.

 

However, I beg to differ on the part of coming late and/or leaving early. If someone consistently shows up late and takes off early, using family emergency as an excuse, that is outright wrong; but if I have to carry a BlackBerry 24 hours a day 7 days a week, and get called in the wee hours from time to time, not to mention the occassional evening or weekend work, then it is reasonable for me to show up late once in a while because I need to be home for a technician to repair the furnace, or to leave early from time to time in order to pick up my kids, provided that it has been communicated in advance to my colleagues and/or supervisor. My situation is a bit to the extreme, but it is true that for many there is no such thing as a 40-hour week anymore.

 

I remember one workplace where the company's slogan was "God, Family, and ***(company name here)". One colleague told me he had an issue with it. "First of all, not everyone believes in God", he said, "besides, there are a couple of things in addition to my family on my list of priorities above the company". He was actually a great colleague to work with.