Parental concerns

[jsa23]

My girlfriend and I are looking at moving forward with our relationship- hence why I've signed up for CFL, to understand the process.

 

However, one of the most difficult aspects of our particular situation has been finding a solution that will allow us to be together, while treating her parents with the care and respect they deserve.

 

Like most of her generation(she is 24 years old currently), she is an only child. In a culture where family loyalty is of great importance, and where children typically care for their parents as they get older, I'm sure everyone here understands the implications of this. While her parents were wonderful hosts when I went to visit, they are still extremely nervous about the idea of their daugher possibly moving to the U.S. with me, not so much for her, but with regards to their own future. And being a good daughter, my girlfriend wants her parents to be comfortable with the situation.

 

While I can make sure she has opportunities to travel back home to see her family, and provide financial assistance, she is also concerned about making sure her parents are taken care of as they get older, and become less able to take care of themselves.

 

For those of you that have been in this situation before, do you have any advice based on how you and your fiancee/spouse handled this situation? I want to do what I can to make sure my future in-laws are taken care of, but it's proven to be a difficult subject thusfar.

Edited March 7, 2009 by jsa23 (see edit history)

[True Blue]

Like most of her generation(she is 24 years old currently), she is an only child. In a culture where family loyalty is of great importance, and where children typically care for their parents as they get older, I'm sure everyone here understands the implications of this. While her parents were wonderful hosts when I went to visit, they are still extremely nervous about the idea of their daugher possibly moving to the U.S. with me, not so much for her, but with regards to their own future.

 

I understand you predicament. I have a similar issue, but from the parenting side. My future wife has a 24 year old daughter She has expressed that she expects daughter to take care of us when we are older. I have told them both that I can care for everything. I do not want to burden daughter with anything. She must be free to live and enjoy her own life. All that is expected from daughter is the love and emotional support that she already gives to her mother.

 

But I understand that your future in laws come with different cultural expectations than my own. Might I suggest that you invite them to visit you in the USA so they can see where their daughter will be living? This may go a long way in making them comfortable. Also as you spend more time with them they will gain a greater comfort level with you. Also are there other younger family members (cousins perhaps) nearby to the parents? They may be able to provide some temporary help until your new wife can return if there is an emergency.

 

Make sure your in-laws know that half-way around the world sounds like months away but in an extreme emergency, their daughter can be at their doorstep in 24 hours or so. Web cams (I don't know if our future in-laws have a computer or are computer literate) also help shrink the world and keep the family connection strong.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Dennis143]

IMHO you are not just marrying the woman, but also her family. It is also now part of your obligation to assure that her parents are taken care of in their old age.

 

Possibly, you don't fully understand that from her and her parents view, by marrying you and moving to the US, YOU now become their old age security.

[amberjack1234]

IMHO you are not just marrying the woman, but also her family. It is also now part of your obligation to assure that her parents are taken care of in their old age.

 

Possibly, you don't fully understand that from her and her parents view, by marrying you and moving to the US, YOU now become their old age security.

I am not being critical here by no means OK just enlightening. Dennis is right and you could be looking at some big expenses later on in life if one or both have a long debilitating illness or have to be taken care extensively.

 

I know that some members here are quite well financially stable for them it is no problem but if you are not it is something you should think about because you will certainly be called on and fully expected to antiup.

 

Larry

[jsa23]

I think perhaps I wasn't as clear as I could have been in my original post. It's not an issue of money.

 

It's not the element of financial support I'm worried about here - I understand that expectation of the parent-child relationship in Chinese culture pretty clearly, and it shouldn't be an issue. Nor is it a matter of trusting me as a person - they've given their approval for us to spend our future together.

 

Their primary concern(as I understand it) is the question - how to take care of her parents as they become less able to take care of themselves? - not a financial quandary, so much as a physical one. And not necessarily emergencies, so much as how take care of an elderly couple in a society that doesn't have the same systems in place to care for them.

 

I understand the expectations of financial support and the like and don't forsee it being a major problem - but the real concern, is not having someone there to physically help them as they become older and less strong and capable of doing everything themselves.

 

This is a topic where I'd really like to hear perspective from both sides(USC and Chinese spouse).

Edited March 8, 2009 by jsa23 (see edit history)

[Bert]

My fiancee and my former girlfriend have slightly different views. Both have a younger sister. Both have there ID in Wuhan, but the former girlfriend is more Shanghainese that Wuhanese. For my former girlfriend, it is her responsibility to take care of her parents. Her younger sister has no responsibility. When her mother went to the hospital for a cancer operation, for example, it was my former girlfriend that stayed with her mother and took care her everyday. The one day her younger sister reluctantly agreed to help, she backed out at the last minute. It just wasn't her responsibility and she had her own family to take care of. I've asked my fiancee about this before. She was blunt. That's the eldest son's responsibility. She doesn't feel any obligation to take care of her parents in their old age. But don't get me wrong. If a family member asks for help, you help them. Her younger sister needed help one day. All I did was question it. That resulted in the worst argument we have ever had. She is clear; that if her parents ask for help, we don't question it; we help. But, it also works the other way around. If we have a child, she fully expects her mother to help out, even come stay with us a year or so. It probably won't happen if we live in the US, but in China, I think so. At our apartment in Shanghai, during the day, it is common to see the grandparents taking care of their grandchildren.

[amberjack1234]

I understand what you are asking better now. You and your wife can hire someone to come to your in laws and take care of them. This has been fairly cheep in the past (10 years) but the cost in the last say 3 years have escalated about three times as much. Since the decline of the economy I would think that the cost of this service has fallen as well with so many out of work there.

 

You and your wife could move there and take care of them. That is what my wife and I are going to do. If that is not an option then there are nursing homes there. They are not on ever street corner but the major cities have them. My wife's grandmother (98 years old) was just put in one. Of course it is not free. All of the family forked up enough money to pay for it. I believe that it was in Shanghai.

 

There are homes like these that have just started that you can go to and volunteer your services and for every year that you volunteer you get a one year credit for you to stay there when it comes your time, if necessary. I wish I could provide you with more information about this but I only read about these places and did not take note of them beyond that and they are still very new.

 

Larry

 

Since I posted this I found one of the sites that I was looking at here is the URL.

 

http://www.chinagate.cn/english/news/49537.htm

Edited March 8, 2009 by amberjack1234 (see edit history)

[warpedbored]

Right now her parents are still fairly young and able to take care of themselves. Some financial aid from you should suffice for the time being. Once your sweet heart is here and has had a green card for three years she can apply to become a US citizen. As a US citizen she can petition to bring her parents here where she can take care of them in her old age.

[Randy W]

Right now her parents are still fairly young and able to take care of themselves. Some financial aid from you should suffice for the time being. Once your sweet heart is here and has had a green card for three years she can apply to become a US citizen. As a US citizen she can petition to bring her parents here where she can take care of them in her old age.

 

 

I hate to have to keep pointing this out, but she can apply to bring her parents here when she gets her green card (becomes an LPR). The status of the application will be upgraded when (if ) she becomes a citizen, so it may only take two additional years.

 

Net time is approximately 5 years, if she becomes a citizen (2 years after she becomes a citizen), or 9 years after she becomes an LPR if she does not become a citizen.

[Sebastian]

Ask yer lass what her plans were, if she was gonna marry a native PRC person.

 

Usually, the woman moves in with the husband's parents, takes care of them, OR the new couple gets a flat closeby (if not out of province for work).

 

If she tells you what her plans were, at least you have a base that can be shifted a bit.

Edited March 8, 2009 by Sebastian (see edit history)

[warpedbored]

Right now her parents are still fairly young and able to take care of themselves. Some financial aid from you should suffice for the time being. Once your sweet heart is here and has had a green card for three years she can apply to become a US citizen. As a US citizen she can petition to bring her parents here where she can take care of them in her old age.

 

 

I hate to have to keep pointing this out, but she can apply to bring her parents here when she gets her green card (becomes an LPR). The status of the application will be upgraded when (if ) she becomes a citizen, so it may only take two additional years.

 

Net time is approximately 5 years, if she becomes a citizen (2 years after she becomes a citizen), or 9 years after she becomes an LPR if she does not become a citizen.

There is no numerical limit to visas for parents of US citizens. Processing time from start to finish is about the same as an I-130 for a spouse. About 13-15 months. If she filed as an LPR after getting her green card it would languish at the USCIS waiting for a visa to become available until she became a US citizen at which time processing would resume. It may save a little time in this case but probably not much.

[amberjack1234]

Right now her parents are still fairly young and able to take care of themselves. Some financial aid from you should suffice for the time being. Once your sweet heart is here and has had a green card for three years she can apply to become a US citizen. As a US citizen she can petition to bring her parents here where she can take care of them in her old age.

 

 

Carl is quite right about that but it does depend a lot on your in laws age right now as this process will take several years. Then there is the cost of medical treatment here in the US. I don't think that I have to say more about that. I had two cardiac stents put in four years ago and only spent 23 hours in the hospital and the bill was $65,000 including the doctors bill.

 

You could get health care coverage but as Andrew (urkidding) has posted in another post that can be very expensive. I forget how much he paid but for me that would have been a lot however it was only for 3 months if I remember correctly.

 

It is very difficult to get health care coverage for someone permanently that is say 80+ years old. I have Federal BC/BS and I am sure that they will not sign a new customer up that is 80+ years old.

 

Taking into account that you can get them into the country and they can stay for 5 years they can,I think apply for some help from one of the Social Security branches. I don't know much about that but you could check into that. I think that it iscalled SSI. I am not sure as I will never draw SS so I don't know all of the tech. detail about how it works

 

Larry