Curing little empress syndrome

[griz326]

My gal's 18 year old daughter has a bad case of the little empress syndrome.

 

I'm a real easy going guy until I'm not. When we arrive in Montana, I want to nip this behavior in the bud without taking out my chainsaw and that mask.

 

How do you win over an 18 year old and discipline her at the same time when this behavior was tolerated in China? Any suggestions?

[dnoblett]

18 year old is pretty much set in this behavior. Not much you can do at this point other than just not cater to it, and perhaps deal with some hard feelings.

[shushuweiwei]

My gal's 18 year old daughter has a bad case of the little empress syndrome.

 

I'm a real easy going guy until I'm not. When we arrive in Montana, I want to nip this behavior in the bud without taking out my chainsaw and that mask.

 

How do you win over an 18 year old and discipline her at the same time when this behavior was tolerated in China? Any suggestions?

 

Griz,

My 2 cents, for what it is worth. You're dealing with an adult, even though the behavior may not be what you expect from an adult. If you and your wife are not on the same page, you are probably doomed and it will be a tolerate or toss situation.

 

So the most important conversation may be with your wife. Be clear about the behaviors you are not willing to tolerate but be careful to be very clear that you aren't criticizing or even discussing her daughter. You're discussing behaviors. Describe the behaviors in clear but neutral words. You might tell her that certain boundaries might be different in Montana as opposed to China. Be sure to say that your goal is to head off any misunderstanding. You don't want your daughter to piss you off because she doesn't know what the boundaries are. Get agreement on as many of the boundaries for behavior you can. Be prepared to give a little on some (but I'm sure you knew that). Be sure the wife is on board and not just agreeing to make you happy (tough, I know). Repeat over and again that your goal is peace and harmony in the home. I'm sure that's a goal she'll want to pursue as well.

 

Then have the discussion with daughter together and present a united front. If you can define what the consequences will be for non-compliance lay them out clearly. Set clear boundaries that don't invite the "yes you were, no I wasn't" kind of argument. (For example, you can't be on your cell phone all the time will get interpreted as if I hang up for 1 second each day, I'm cool. You can use your cell phone within these parameters works better) Try to lay out in detail what you will be doing for her in return and note that it is to your mutual benefit and not just demands you are making. Lay out the behaviors you will not engage in as well so it is not one sided.

 

If you are able to it is always good to make a written contract and both sign it. It gives you a little distance in saying, "I'm not nagging you to do this. You signed the agreement to do it. I'm only asking you to honor your word to me."

 

If you lay out consequences be sure to follow through or she'll know its all a sham and she can do what she wishes. I think that doing this prevention up front can keep you out of a situation where mom's been tolerating a behavior in Montana that Dad is unwilling to tolerate. Then it will become you vs them and no one can win that. Its more work up front but many people find it pays off in the long term.

 

I hope there's something helpful in there. Good luck. I hope you (and all of us) can find that domestic tranquility we seek.

Joe

[Urkidding]

18 year old is pretty much set in this behavior. Not much you can do at this point other than just not cater to it, and perhaps deal with some hard feelings.

 

I would agree here and just let her mother deal with it.

 

In China, since the one child policy took affect, this left a bunch of little emperors and empresses run wild. I hear the horror stories from my wife regarding her nieces and nephews.

 

Hell, we have a little emperor in our own house. That¡¯s the problem with being or having only one child.

[Randy W]

I would suggest above all to not give her any more attention than you would any other person in the room. When you treat it like she's the most important thing in your universe, she gets the same impression. It can be hard to shake and very difficult for them to deal with later in life.

[warpedbored]

This is not a child. She is an 18 year old woman. She will be off to college soon and out of your hair anyway. Trying to take control of the situation will just pit you against her mother. Let her mother deal with it and just ignore her when she is being difficult. When she is being pleasant pay more attention to her. She will soon learn that in dealing with you if she wants attention she has to be nice. Certainly rising to the bait and becoming angry will just cause problems with your wife. She will feel obligated to defend her daughter. This is not a battle you can win.

[tonado]

Nothing you can do. She is old enough to vote.

[dnoblett]

Nothing you can do. She is old enough to vote.

True! Yet, she wont be able to until becoming a US Citizen though!

[yuehan123]

recommend

 

1. You change your question to 'will other step-dads with teenage Chinese step-children (she's an adult as repeatedly pointed out) please contact me by PM.'

2. Focus on the arrival and inevitable transition turmoil of them moving.

3. Deal with Montana "empress behaviors" after y'all arrive and have lived together in Montana a month or two.

4. Be aware that almost as soon as you are no longer 'an easy going guy' she's going to figure out everyway possible to avoid your presence.

5. Consider your own teenage years and how your parent's dealt with your behaviors- how successful were they?

6. Do what I presume Joe said- plan on focusing on your communication skills, all of yours- mom, daughter and you.

 

The one, and only, teenage girl we know demanded to be returned to China during her first year here. She wouldn't leave now....

[Sebastian]

Ya, she'll be taking a stance against the topics and activities that she's not engaged in. Best thing? Ease into engaging her into topics and activities slowly, so that she has made time to build up some rapport with you.

 

THEN, and only then, once that rapport has been made, you can discuss behavior and whats acceptable and unacceptable. At THAT stage, she won't feel yer laying down the law and instantly strive to rebel against it, but she'll listen to you because she trusts you and has some feelings for you.

 

Sure, it's a Chinese problem because of the one-child rule outcomes, but if she's in instant rebellion mode? Nothing you do will matter.

 

Ease into it... A hard handed approach, IMO, will be immediately caustic and will take a long time to overcome. Remember, you just gotta hang in there till's she's off to school for the fall semester.

Edited July 8, 2008 by Darnell (see edit history)

[jim_julian]

Hmmm ... my experience is a little different.

 

First of all I concur 100% that you must have her mother on the same sheet. It's won't be productive for your marriage or long term happiness if you try to do something that your wife doesn't genuinely support.

 

Second, it's my experience that Chinese teens are less mature than their US counterparts so I wouldn't automatically line up behind the "she's an adult" theory ... sure, she is for legal purposes but emotionally she may not be close.

 

Coming to the US will be a giant change for her, obviously. If she considers you her father as opposed to her mother's husband you have a chance to lead. Set up a system of logical consequences. You might try my "When in China we do it the Chinese way; when in America we do it the American way" guideline, which has served our family well. In America the family helps each other ... give her some regular chores to do ... if she doesn't like those what would she like to substitute? Have logical consequences from not doing the chores. Be her guide in figuring out US culture. Be a real father, I think you'll gain her respect in return.

[credzba]

In this I am 100% with Jim. Our daughter is only 16 (so some difference) but about 12 or 13 maturity wise wrt. American teens (and I already survived 3 teens). Also, I am lucky in that my wife is totally frustrated at how spoiled her daughter is, and really wants my help solving the problem.

 

While I was in China for the interview, and before our daughter makes the trip to America, I took Jim's approach. I explained what my expectations of a 16 year old in America were, and explained that I didn't want misunderstanding because her (chinese) and my (american) expectations were different.

 

I explained that in america we consider a 18 year old should be an adult. As a good parent we train on an age based schedule to develop an independent 18 year old. That meant for our 16 year old she should be about 2 years away from being able to do everything for herself.

 

In my expectation, a 16 year old should be able to keep her own room and bathroom clean, wash her own clothes. I expect her to help out around the house when asked, sometimes go to store for us, that kind of thing. Her current development area is to learn to cook, so she will cook one night a week.

 

She very much (as all 16 year olds) wants to learn to drive, so the "go to the store for us" was a little motivation that some maturity goals are fun for her as well as good for her.

 

I was a little worried, and had discussed the goals ahead of time with mom. During the talk mom even reminded me of some growth goals I forgot. As a 16 year old that wants to go to America, she took it pretty good. When she gets here and it goes into practice ... we'll see.

 

My 19 year old stated it best though. He said "Dad, in America, in your house, it is your way or the highway. And she doesn't know the way to the highway". He knows me, and yes the other children are all very independent adults.

 

Anyways, I don't know if it helps you, but many of us have this emperor/empress problem. Being an adult was never easy, a melded family always was harder, and adding a language barrier just ups the challenge a little more.

 

Good luck, and good thread, we all want to read other peoples ideas.

My ideas came from a child parenting series called "Raising the odds for responsible behavior". Years ago I did foster care, and this was a really good lecturer/child psychologist that I heard.

 

http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-178-rai...e-behavior.aspx

[ameriken]

I think the first step is discussing the issue with your Lao Po, which would have been better to discuss long before they came here. Now that they are arriving, if you act without Lao Po knowing what is going on, there could be trouble between all of you.

 

Before you do anything, have a good talk with your Lao Po. And be careful......if the easy going guy suddenly becomes a not-so-easy-going guy upon arrival (which is how your first post sounds), your Lao Po may wonder "What happened to the easy going guy I fell in love with?" "Why did he change as soon as we got here?"

 

Step lightly.....

[LeeFisher3]

Try laughter, if she becomes demanding just a small laugh is enough. If she ask why tell her you thought she was making a joke because people don't act that way here.

 

By treating it as a non-issue you are not the bad guy and she will get the point a fight.

[griz326]

My gal is with me on this, so that part is under-control.

 

Even though the empress is 18, she often behaves like a 12 year old. I'll take a closer read of the suggestions when I get home. I do not have experience with teenaged girls (my daughter spent her teen years with her mother in another city), so all help is appreciated.