Rocks in Head - Part Two

[jemmyell]

I'll add my two cents here. Rather than uprooting her daughter, she is giving her the opportunity for an American College education. These degrees are highly prized worldwide. My 17 year old step daughter is VERY MUCH looking forward to this. In the USA she has had many freedoms and opportunites she has not had in China. She is an A+ student who won 3 awards right out of the gate in a new high school and a new country. Coming to America is probably viewed by your SO as a BIG BENEFIT for her daughter, and I do believe that it is.

 

-James

Edited October 14, 2007 by jemmyell (see edit history)

[shanghaigale]

I am a little late getting in on this discussion but I will reinforce what the posters here have said. I married a gal from Shanghai almost 10 years ago now and she had a 5 year old son at the time who lived with the grandmother and father on the fathers side. They actually took care of our son from the time he was just a baby until my wife asked for custody when we got married. She couldn't afford to or legally get him until she could prove she could support him to. She didn't make enough money before that. In any case, we came to the USA with him when he was in the fourth grade, we also have a 5 year old daughter that just started school and after almost 10 years I think I can safely say there is no hidden agenda in our marriage. My wife now has citizenship and if she wanted to leave, she would have left long ago. We are still as close as we were the day we got married and I have never worried or even thought about locking up any of my assets from before into a trust even though I do have two grown children from a previous marriage. The situation with your wife is quite common in China. I lived there for 5 years and worked at an electronics factory where I met and became good friends with many chinese couples. Let me assure you that her situation is about as common as they get. I would reinforce what Don said and say that your friend is just concerned about you but just doesn't understand the chinese culture at all.

Gale

 

This takes the "have you got rocks in your head" discussion to a new level.

 

My dear friend called me today and I told her my plans to marry my gal in Nanning.

 

As an attorney one of the first questions she asked was: "Have you locked up everything in a trust yet?" The answer to that question is no, but with reluctance I will.

 

After that we continued to chat until I mentioned that there is a 17 year old girl involved. This set her off in a way I have never seen before.

 

Taking it to the bottom line, my friend questions the true character of my gal for the following reasons:

 

- her involvement with me rather than finishing the rearing of the child

 

- the current split living situation in which the child lives with her grandmother on the father's side during the school week (closer to the school the child attends)

 

--- a side bar...what sort of woman would not commute to work to be able to live with her daughter

 

- what sort of woman endangers her child by exposing her to a strange man (me - I never considered this, but then I am not a risk - my gal does not know that for certain)

 

- what sort of woman would turn her child's life upside down just to come to live in America

 

Long story short, the points must be considered. While I think the comments judge the Chinese by American standards, in fact, an American Catholic convert's standards, I cannot ignore a good friend's concern for me.

 

In my 20+ years as a single man, only twice did I seriously date women with children. I never became involved with the children because until the deal is signed, sealed and delivered all that I could possibly do to the children was harm them; break-ups are bad enough for the adults - but if a kid gets to like you - they get crushed too. I did not even consider my own standard with my gal's child.

 

The matter that most concerns me after the call today is the child living with her father's mother most of the time. I think the "whys" and "what fors" around that are important. She's told me that her mother-in-law loves her and is shamed by her son (my gal's ex). That situation would be a HUGE red flag were I planning a future with an American woman; it probably requires a much closer examination than I have given it so far.

 

My friend closed the conversation saying "If this woman is so selfish that she does this to her child, what might she do to you?"

 

A tough call from a good friend. Could I possibly have so misjudged my Sweetie?

[SirLancelot]

This takes the "have you got rocks in your head" discussion to a new level.

 

My dear friend called me today and I told her my plans to marry my gal in Nanning.

 

As an attorney one of the first questions she asked was: "Have you locked up everything in a trust yet?" The answer to that question is no, but with reluctance I will.

 

After that we continued to chat until I mentioned that there is a 17 year old girl involved. This set her off in a way I have never seen before.

 

Taking it to the bottom line, my friend questions the true character of my gal for the following reasons:

 

- her involvement with me rather than finishing the rearing of the child

 

- the current split living situation in which the child lives with her grandmother on the father's side during the school week (closer to the school the child attends)

 

--- a side bar...what sort of woman would not commute to work to be able to live with her daughter

 

- what sort of woman endangers her child by exposing her to a strange man (me - I never considered this, but then I am not a risk - my gal does not know that for certain)

 

- what sort of woman would turn her child's life upside down just to come to live in America

 

Long story short, the points must be considered. While I think the comments judge the Chinese by American standards, in fact, an American Catholic convert's standards, I cannot ignore a good friend's concern for me.

 

In my 20+ years as a single man, only twice did I seriously date women with children. I never became involved with the children because until the deal is signed, sealed and delivered all that I could possibly do to the children was harm them; break-ups are bad enough for the adults - but if a kid gets to like you - they get crushed too. I did not even consider my own standard with my gal's child.

 

The matter that most concerns me after the call today is the child living with her father's mother most of the time. I think the "whys" and "what fors" around that are important. She's told me that her mother-in-law loves her and is shamed by her son (my gal's ex). That situation would be a HUGE red flag were I planning a future with an American woman; it probably requires a much closer examination than I have given it so far.

 

My friend closed the conversation saying "If this woman is so selfish that she does this to her child, what might she do to you?"

 

A tough call from a good friend. Could I possibly have so misjudged my Sweetie?

 

Wow, this is very interesting to read.

 

From an American perspective, I can actually she her points. But from a Chinese perspective, I can't believe how wrong she is about everything.

 

Children living with grandparents at some point in their upbringing is completely the norm. There are millions of migrant working couples who leave their poor rural village for big cities--such as Beijing, ShenZhen and Shanghai--to work. The care of the child is placed with grandparents at the village. The parents only get to come back once a year during Spring Festival. Obviously this is not an enviable situation--even for the Chinese--but it's the practical reality.

 

Moving her child to the US is always considered a good thing with regards to education. I can't seriously imagine any Chinese person saying it's a negative thing to get an American college education.

 

One quote from her that has more validity, IMO, was: what sort of woman endangers her child by exposing her to a strange man

 

This concern is a little more legit in that Chinese divorce rate is still extremely low as compared to the US--especially the rural areas of China. It's not at all clear what the general viewpoint is within China on this concern. It could be argued that she's doing a disservice to the child by uprooting the child from her own culture and country but when mitigated with the opportunity of an American college education, it could still ultimately be seen as a positive.

 

Good luck griz326. I'm glad to see you're taking the time to sincerely and introspectively ponder all the ramifications. It's important to do so, as donahso pointed out.