Culture, Custom or What?

[PhoenixRising]

My SO and I had a long discussion early this morning. She has informed me that she will need a monthly living expense now. She is working in the medical field and now she wants me to send her a $100 per month. This is not alot of money but my question to her is why? You where making a living before you met me why now this extra cost. Her response was I could ease her burden if I would do this. She said that many woman she knows who have American/British Fiances help their Fiancees out in this manner.

I do not now why all of a sudden she needs a living allowance. She lives in Guangxi Province and I do not know if this is a custom there or what. I do not wish to seem analytical here but I have concerns now. I hate to use the words Red Flags. However this is an issue we must resolve one way or the other.

[chilton747]

You are planning on being husband and wife. I would think that money matters should be discussed frequently. This is a very important subject in a relationship. Do you know everything about her finances and does she know everything about yours?

Personally I hate it when my wife says that "other USA men do or do not do this" statement. I think my wife understands this now. Good luck to you.

[Randy W]

You can dial a little bit of "peer pressure" into that custom, as I'm sure you're aware.

 

But you need to play it by ear and keep an open mind.

[Joanne]

There could be many different reasons. Don't add a flag yet. $100 is too little for a flag. She might not even need that money, but she might want it as a kind of gesture from you? Like Randy said: keep an open mind. Talk more to find out what was the underlying reason for this change. Maybe she just thought you should have offered it at the first place to show your sincerity?

[tywy_99]

She said that many woman she knows who have American/British Fiances help their Fiancees out in this manner.

 

The statement above may sum it up. Maybe she feels that you should be doing this since people she knows is doing it. This is her thinking. That may be all it is. Talk it out with her.

[warpedbored]

I sent my wife money the last 4 months before her interview. In her case she lost her job and rather than find another one I told her to concentrate on learning English and preparing for the interview. There are many reasons why she may need it. It may be she needs to help her family. Don't jump to conclusions but keep one eye open anyway.

[chilton747]

My wife also had quit her job to move back to her home town and learn english. I gave her money all along the way. Then I kept noticing that she was telling me that I did not have to send her much money as often. A few months ago she surprised me by telling me she had been saving most of the money I gave her all along. What a sweetheart

Many times I would ask her if she needs money. She would always say "no." She was and still is very shy about me giving her money. But then again, she is a country girl.

[Guest Rob & Jin]

My wife also had quit her job to move back to her home town and learn english. I gave her money all along the way. Then I kept noticing that she was telling me that I did not have to send her much money as often. A few months ago she surprised me by telling me she had been saving most of the money I gave her all along. What a sweetheart

Many times I would ask her if she needs money. She would always say "no." She was and still is very shy about me giving her money. But then again, she is a country girl.

 

I send Jin money every now and again, for example to pay for translation/ notary fees, for the vaccinations/ medical, etc. Jin does not have a job either so sending her some pin money is not a big deal, we have discussed it and like Chiltons lovely wife jin always tells me i send too much.

Jin suggests that the expectation to send money can be a regional thing as she thinks woman from Shenzhen, Shanghia, HK etc are more money orientated than say from the western provinces.Its just a opinion(not a moral judgement) dont want to offend anyone, but maybe theres some truth to it.

 

[SinoTexas]

I did not send my fianc¨¦e any money during our dating period. We met in person and thus I was somewhat familiar with her lifestyle. When I was over visiting with her I covered the expenses, just as I would have on any date (in the US or China). I was treating this relationship as I would as if I was dating in the US. She had a job that covered her living expenses long before we met I was of the similar opinion that she had a life before I came along and other than a few minor expenses, she would live her ¡°normal¡± life. I never provided financial support to anyone else I had ever dated and I guess it was just a cautionary issue with me.

 

I felt that any expenses that were incurred as part of our visa process, I would cover. This included things like translations, copies, travel expenses, fees and so on¡­things that I would consider not part of her normal living expenses. I did help out with her long distance phone calls to me or other things that may have incurred expenses because of distance.

 

There were a couple of times that she asked for money in the course of our relationship and explained the circumstances. I think there was one time that I did not send the money because I felt it was out of line. That particular issue was never brought up again.

 

Like Charles, there were times when she said ¡°other USA men do or do not do this¡± and I explained that there is one thing that drives me crazy and that is gossip. I explained that I was not into ¡°keeping up with the Jones or the Wu¡¯s¡± and that we would do things our way.

 

I guess the bottom line for me was that if finances and financial support were an issue with her during our dating time, then it would certainly blow up in our faces in a marriage, if we got that far. Good luck to you.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

Edited September 11, 2007 by SinoTexas (see edit history)

[jim_julian]

PR, your SO works as a nurse, has a daughter in college, and studies English at night ... not an easy life.

 

I agree with others that there is likely to be peer pressure here from those in her English class or other ladies she knows.

 

Since the daughter is remaining behind this probably also concerns your SO and perhaps she is trying to build up a little nest egg.

 

How well do you know this lady? I don't think we've ever seen your time line.

 

This is a normal topic for a Chinese lady to discuss. In general, it's my experience that Chinese ladies are more concerned about the future financial stability than similar ladies in other cultures. They often put their family first and, to some extent, when they leave their family in China and go to the US they are going to have heightened concern about the welfare of those left behind.

 

I would recommend that you try to develop a deeper understanding of her request without grilling her or causing embarrassment. If you can afford $100 and her story is reasonable then I wouldn't hesitate to provide it. If you do provide it then drop the subject; don't rehash it ... she knows you're doing it and you know you're doing it and you'll get "credit" for your good works without needing to remind her.

[credzba]

Like others, I can tell you my experience, but my gut feel is she is asking you "Are you serious about taking care of me?"

 

Keep in mind the things you read here about the chinese perspective on a relationship. It seems (to me) that the chinese women I know rate security and support from a prospective candidate WAY above love or other emotional attachments.

 

The only right answer to this is You and She must discuss this, and make your own decision. If you can't solve this small issue, you will never survive in the long term. No one here can really help you except to send you back to your honey.

 

So, my own story.

During dating time my (now)wife and I discussed our future plans.

Those plans include purchasing property in China, and one day retiring there.

 

We married on May 8, and I flew home on May 13.

I arrived home and on my email was "I placed a contract on a new apartment for us!".

She was so excited and proud of the great location and price she had found. I was scared about coming up with the financing.

Believe me, we are not talking $100 here.

 

Granted we were married by this time, but just barely. The apartment is great, it is a good investment, and we got together the funds we needed, working together. So it worked out fine.

 

Still to this day though, I think there were two things involved in this purchase.

1) Would I support her decisions and her to the best of my ability.

2) She would help with our future plan.

[IllinoisDave]

I can't do any better than what these guys have done. You've got some excellent advice and observations here.

 

The only thing I would say is that you're the only one who can have a "feel" for your SO and whether her request makes you comfortable or uncomfortable based on your relationship.

 

If you're comfortable, go with it, at least for the time being. If not, some more conversations probably needs to take place.

 

You know her best. Go with a combination of your head, heart and gut.

 

Best of luck.

[PhoenixRising]

My SO attends English classes 3-4 times per week plus works 8-5:30 at a clinic. She is a worker for sure. She asked if I could help her out in this fashion she would always be indebted to me. I do not wish for her to be indebted to me for anything. All I wish for is to have her and our love grow to full blossom and to have her for my very best friend in the whole world.

After we finished chatting today she sent me an e-mail telling me how much she enjoys having me in her life and loves me and misses me. She did not mention anything we talked about in our conversation today.

A yard is not alot of money as we know but it all adds up.

Embarking on an International relationship is a long tedious process and expensive as we are fully aware of.

It maybe a thing that her friends are saying to her. Gee my Zhang Fu sends me money to me why is yours so cheap. I don't know if it is peer pressure or something like this.

[Gordon]

It sounds like you are getting some good advice here. But having been burned by women before, I am cautious about such matters. I paid for everything when I went to China. All the paperwork and the engagement ceremony and all. But after everything was paid for My Ying would not let me give her anymore money while I was there.

 

After I returned to the U.S., I asked her if she needed any money for anything and she refused but told me if she did she would let me know. I even offered to help with our daughters college expenses. To me this really showed that she was not in this for the money. It made me feel good. If she had asked for money, with the only excuse being that "other men do it" I would definately consider it a red flag.

 

Maybe some customs from different parts of China are different, but people are people, and I believe that if you are finding things that are red flags to you already, then I think you need to keep your eyes open.

 

Good luck.

[tonado]

Make her happy. Just send her the $100 a month.