Chinese daughter going to college

[griz326]

My SO's daughter will attend a university in America when she arrives. She will be 19 by the time she gets her visa and ready to go to school.

 

My concern is for her safety: she speaks the language pretty well, but she is so naive it puts her at risk.

 

I believe she should live at home for the first few years of school which would require that I move from a rural area to a city. Her mother just wants to push her daughter out of the nest and I have been unable to convince my SO yet that we should be close-by.

 

First, am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

 

Second, without scaring the crap out of my SO, how can I make her understand the danger?

[credzba]

I think you worry too much.

 

Yes, she will be naive when she goes to school, but she can call home if need be.

 

MANY chinese students come here for their masters, and granted they are another 4 years older, but they survive the culture shock.

Often they come over alone, and deal with everything by themselves.

 

I don't blame you for being concerned, I will be exactly the same way (my daughter from China is 15). However, I hope I can give my daughter the room to make mistakes, and be there for her when she needs me.

 

I hope you will give your daughter the same chance.

 

Really what difference does it make if you move now, or wait and move if/when you actually are needed?

[Shenzhen K-1]

I know how you feel, my new daughter will be 16 when she gets here. We have put her in a foreign language school and she also goes to extra English classes on Saturday and Sunday. In two years when she is ready for college I am putting her in a junior college first. Safety, cost, ability to help her with any problems, and I will still not be ready for her to be gone full time yet!!

[jim_julian]

Our 19 year old daughter started college full time here in SoCal two weeks ago. She went to one summer school course at the same college this summer to ease transition.

 

She is living at home.

 

I understand your concerns. Our daughter is also very naive and Lao Po is not particularly comfortable in talking about life with her .... BUT she is more than happy to have me have such a conversation with our daughter.

 

After some discussion with Lao Po we created a few situations where the "subject" (sex, drugs, morals, etc) came up when the three of us were together and we were able to have a discussion. Lao Po did not say much. Our daughter was not the least embarrassed and seemed to be interested ... there was even some Q&A.

 

I encourage Lao Po to have a "what happened today" discussion on the ride home as she picks up our daughter every day. I have a similar discussion when I get home from work each day.

 

The communication seems to be open. I think she will be OK. I attempted to paint a balanced picture, not scare her. Of course we are only two weeks into this ...

 

With respect to the OP's question ...

 

I think there is reason for concern but I'm not so sure that you need to move. Is there a Freshman Dorm available for her? Will she be with you for a few months before starting school so you have time to talk with her and observe her reactions to the US? I wouldn't worry too much about your SO "getting it" ... I think this one might be largely between you and your new daughter. The best foundation for help is to ensure you and your daughter have a good and open relationship.

 

Good luck!

[Joshua + Wang Zhuo]

Well, she is 19 and she is an adult . I am sure it is hard for you to let her go out on her own, but I am sure she can handle it. As far as being Naive to the culture.....well, there are certainly some things that you and/or her mother should talk about with her. Just to give her a heads up as to the things she will be encountering such as young men and there quest for sex, drugs, etc... But all you can do is warn her. I believe that by the age of 18 most of a persons attitudes and behaviors have already manifested themselves. For this reason I believe the path that she chooses can not be changed much now, be it good or bad.

 

This being said, the more warning you can give her about what she is going to encounter the easier it will be for her to prepare herself. I am not as familiar with the culture of young people in China but I was recently a young person myself and in my humble opinion the thing to be most careful of on your part is talking down to her. Talking to her as a child might make her WANT to rebel.

 

You may want to talk to her about going to a community college too. I am not sure if there is one that is around you but it is a good way to transition into college life a little slower. Make sure that she understands it is her decision as to which way to go though. When I first started college I was determined to go to a private school I thought the education would be SO much better. Long story short, I am now finishing up school at a public university, getting a better education and not paying for a name. I have heard that a community college is an even better way to knock out your first two years of college as it is even cheaper and your lower level classes are essentially the same everywhere.

 

 

Just some thoughts

 

Joshua

[rogerinca]

Our 19 year old daughter started college full time here in SoCal two weeks ago. She went to one summer school course at the same college this summer to ease transition.

 

She is living at home.

 

I understand your concerns. Our daughter is also very naive and Lao Po is not particularly comfortable in talking about life with her .... BUT she is more than happy to have me have such a conversation with our daughter.

 

After some discussion with Lao Po we created a few situations where the "subject" (sex, drugs, morals, etc) came up when the three of us were together and we were able to have a discussion. Lao Po did not say much. Our daughter was not the least embarrassed and seemed to be interested ... there was even some Q&A.

 

I encourage Lao Po to have a "what happened today" discussion on the ride home as she picks up our daughter every day. I have a similar discussion when I get home from work each day.

 

The communication seems to be open. I think she will be OK. I attempted to paint a balanced picture, not scare her. Of course we are only two weeks into this ...

 

With respect to the OP's question ...

 

I think there is reason for concern but I'm not so sure that you need to move. Is there a Freshman Dorm available for her? Will she be with you for a few months before starting school so you have time to talk with her and observe her reactions to the US? I wouldn't worry too much about your SO "getting it" ... I think this one might be largely between you and your new daughter. The best foundation for help is to ensure you and your daughter have a good and open relationship.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Jim, your responses are always so thoughtful !!!!

 

I have, for a long time now, thought that you possess one of the most articulate and brightest intellects within this forum !! We are indeed, all fortunate, to have the benefit of your perspective and life-experience.

 

My daughter is age 11 and in the 5th grade, so I am thinking about these issues and the future, all of the time, too.

 

 

And yes Griz, where you live in MT, it is [more] than ¡°rural¡± and more than just cold, in the winter, especially for a sub-tropical Nanning girl !!

[David&Wendy]

Well, she is 19 and she is an adult . I am sure it is hard for you to let her go out on her own, but I am sure she can handle it. As far as being Naive to the culture.....well, there are certainly some things that you and/or her mother should talk about with her. Just to give her a heads up as to the things she will be encountering such as young men and there quest for sex, drugs, etc...

Just some thoughts

 

Joshua

 

One thing I want to mention is that it's an American concept for people to be "adult" at 18.

 

It really depends on that person's maturity level and life experience.

 

I've met 19 year old girls that were head smart and mature. Ready for college or life.

I've met 19 year old girls that were kept naive/innocent. Away from their parents attending college the first boy that says "I love you" is the one that steals her innocence and then he is off to the next flower.

 

I don't have the experience of being a Chinese university student but I did have several of them as friend when I lived there.

The difference in 'freedom' for lack of a better word at a university or even junior college here and one from China are immense.

 

Don't go the "Deliverance" route. Defintately have frank and honest conversations with your daughter.

What to do if she experiences a guy who won't leave her alone?

What to do if a "friend" who is a boy wants to have sex?

What to do if she is offered drugs?

What to do if she is offered to cheat on a test?

What to do if she sees someone commit a crime?

 

 

Think to yourself: What would you do if you were in China and something unexpected happened to you? How would you handle it?

 

Think of the same situation in America?

 

These skills and conceptual awareness would instill in her a sense of good judgement for living in her new country when you and her mom aren't around.

[Urkidding]

Well, she is 19 and she is an adult . I am sure it is hard for you to let her go out on her own, but I am sure she can handle it. As far as being Naive to the culture.....well, there are certainly some things that you and/or her mother should talk about with her. Just to give her a heads up as to the things she will be encountering such as young men and there quest for sex, drugs, etc...

Just some thoughts

 

Joshua

 

One thing I want to mention is that it's an American concept for people to be "adult" at 18.

 

It really depends on that person's maturity level and life experience.

 

I've met 19 year old girls that were head smart and mature. Ready for college or life.

I've met 19 year old girls that were kept naive/innocent. Away from their parents attending college the first boy that says "I love you" is the one that steals her innocence and then he is off to the next flower.

 

I don't have the experience of being a Chinese university student but I did have several of them as friend when I lived there.

The difference in 'freedom' for lack of a better word at a university or even junior college here and one from China are immense.

 

Don't go the "Deliverance" route. Defintately have frank and honest conversations with your daughter.

What to do if she experiences a guy who won't leave her alone?

What to do if a "friend" who is a boy wants to have sex?

What to do if she is offered drugs?

What to do if she is offered to cheat on a test?

What to do if she sees someone commit a crime?

 

 

Think to yourself: What would you do if you were in China and something unexpected happened to you? How would you handle it?

 

Think of the same situation in America?

 

These skills and conceptual awareness would instill in her a sense of good judgement for living in her new country when you and her mom aren't around.

 

Good Advice!

[Guest ShaQuaNew]

My SO's daughter will attend a university in America when she arrives. She will be 19 by the time she gets her visa and ready to go to school.

 

My concern is for her safety: she speaks the language pretty well, but she is so naive it puts her at risk.

 

I believe she should live at home for the first few years of school which would require that I move from a rural area to a city. Her mother just wants to push her daughter out of the nest and I have been unable to convince my SO yet that we should be close-by.

 

First, am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?

 

Second, without scaring the crap out of my SO, how can I make her understand the danger?

No, it's indeed a mountain, and not a molehill. Anyone saying different is naive themselves!

 

There are few challenges in life as large as those included in immigrating from China to the US and assimiliating. Add to that a scholastic challenge and you've gone from the rolling hills on the east coast to the formidable peaks of the Himalayas.

 

While it may seem controlling to some, consider that her living at home is simply a buffer that will help her when she does make bad choices in school, and in life. She needs to be watched for a while, though provided a good level of freedom. Achieving that balance is the key. Be open and communicate, talk often. Find out what's going on in day to day life. Any teenager or young adult may resist that, but it's the job of the parent to push through that.

 

This is a matter near and dear to my heart because I too have a Chinese teenage daughter, now nearing 17. She is becoming a woman, and experiencing too all the other urges that go along with it. Thank goodness for her strong mother. We've had many family hugs after experiencing intense disagreement because our daughter is strong willed. But in the end, a small reward is achieved when she comes to you and says: "I love you so much daddy. Thank you for helping me."

Edited September 5, 2007 by ShaQuaNew (see edit history)

[David&Wendy]

But in the end, a small reward is achieved when she comes to you and says: "I love you so much daddy. Thank you for helping me."

 

Words to melt a father's heart.

[Randy W]

Any university with a Chinese presence is going to have a house nearby where Chinese students live. Look for one. They'll take care of her.

[griz326]

Thank you for all of the good suggestions.

 

The "turn-around" time for the visa to the US and enrollment in a university will be VERY SHORT if my projections are accurate.

 

The girl is painfully shy, speaks very little and behaved as if she was afraid of me when we first met. I took her to dinner with her mom and did some close up magic for her before she smiled (I was a close-up magician in another life).

 

Perhaps increasing the "turn-around time" is the first step...along with those situational conversations.

 

I cannot imagine any thing worse than having some drunken bad man rape and murder my SO's girl because she is Chinese. I am concerned about that for my fiancee too, but not nearly so much as for this child.

 

I know bad people are everywhere. But in Montana, you can see the members of the Witness Protection Program - they don't fade into the crowd; and many bad people come here to evade law enforcement - they are proud to be outlaws.

 

I doubt that living in a big city would be any safer, but my fiancee and her daughter would not be such prominent targets.

[Joshua + Wang Zhuo]

I actually think universities are very good places for young people. I know that there are a lot of "evils" around . You know, Sex, Drugs and rock and roll . But there is a lot of good too. My fiancee is not much older than your step daughter and we have talked a lot about what she will do when she gets here. I have encouraged her to enroll in the University. She has already finished school in China and she does not need to go, but I think it would be a great way for her to meet some other Chinese (She agrees). Of course I have the advantage of living about 5 blocks from the University and it seems that you do not.

 

Would it really be possible for you to pick up your life and move somewhere that would be closer to a school for her? I am sure if you could that would make it easier for her to transition. She would have the best of both worlds. That seems like an awfully big step for you though.

 

Like someone earlier said, there will likely be a large Asian population at any large university and many of those students will have it even tougher than her. They will be thousands of miles away from their families and friends. I am sure that there is a support network that has been created at these universities to help those students adapt. She will have that, and she will have family that is relatively close as well

 

Life is tough sometimes, but it seems like she has a family that cares about her. That is the most important thing.

 

Joshua