Feelings of Love

[Corbin]

Hi All,

 

It has been a little while since I have been on CFL. Is there a culture difference in the way Chinese and US couples show love. I meet Lilike on line and it has seemed to be going on good, but every so often we get derailed by her saying she does not totally believe that I love her. She was married before and from what I know, her ex lied to her about how he felt for her.

 

We have not been able to meet face to face yet and she does not want to trust all I say until this happens. Any thoughts on this and what do you think I should do. I am worried that we are doomed and don't want another fail relationship. One divorce is enough for me and I can't handle another one.

Edited July 5, 2007 by Corbin (see edit history)

[robert]

Hi All,

 

It has been a little while since I have been on CFL. Is there a culture difference in the way Chinese and US couples show love. I meet Lilike on line and it has seemed to be going on good, but every so often we get derailed by her saying she does not totally believe that I love her. She was married before and from what I know, her ex lied to her about how he felt for her.

 

We have not been able to meet face to face yet and she does not want to trust all I say until this happens. Any thoughts on this and what do you think I should do. I am worried that we are doomed and don't want another fail relationship. One divorce is enough for me and I can't handle another one.

I agree with you that one divorce is enough for anyone. After my divorce I stayed single for 26 years. She says that she does not want to trust everything you say until you get a chance to meet in person. I think she is wise. If you are communicating then she has the "interest" in a relationship with you but until you meet and spend time together how do you know if you love each other. This is not cultural...this is two people both hopefully desiring the same interest in life and who have both been thru one divorce. I would think that you would be more concerned if having never met she was telling you that she loved you and wanted to marry you. Meeting that someone special on line is only one way of meeting someone with hopefully the same interests as you. After that the development of the relationship is fueled by each other and I believe that this requires time spent together. Just my thoughts...Good Luck!

[yuan fen]

What is your definition of love?

 

A feeling?

 

A mental state?

 

 

 

 

 

To me,

 

It is a focus outward, not inward.

 

Saying "I love you," is inward to me.

 

Me bringing my wife something to drink without asking if she is thirsty would be outward.

[Corbin]

What is your definition of love?

A feeling?

A mental state?

-----------

To me,

It is a focus outward, not inward.

Saying "I love you," is inward to me.

Me bringing my wife something to drink without asking if she is thirsty would be outward.

 

I see what you mean here by what you said to the outward and inward love some what.

 

But should there not also be a inward feeling for her of the Love? I agree that when you do something for the person you Love without them asking it does show your love in one way. This is part of it the other part is what you say, what you feel and yes the physical contact. Lose any of these and there is nothing to save a relationship. You need to say your love, show your love and make physical contact to feel the love between two. Remove one and the death of that love will come, it may take awhile, but it will come.

[tywy_99]

Hi All,

 

It has been a little while since I have been on CFL. Is there a culture difference in the way Chinese and US couples show love. I meet Lilike on line and it has seemed to be going on good, but every so often we get derailed by her saying she does not totally believe that I love her. She was married before and from what I know, her ex lied to her about how he felt for her.

 

We have not been able to meet face to face yet and she does not want to trust all I say until this happens. Any thoughts on this and what do you think I should do. I am worried that we are doomed and don't want another fail relationship. One divorce is enough for me and I can't handle another one.

Why ask us? You need to go meet her in person and see how it goes. Hopefully it will be something wonderful for the both of you. Life is funny, I'm sure you know. Things have a way of running themselves but you'll never know until you meet her. Now go and see her!

 

-good luck

[izus]

from the experience i have had and heard as well, chinese women will show their actions must quicker then they will speak them.

 

it seems like you guys just started your relationship, get over and see her, see how it goes, see who she is.

how can you say you love when you have not even met her yet.

 

good luck

[yuan fen]

I have just recently come to some of my conclusions being my wife and I are together now. Some of them may be wrong also for others, it just works for us.

 

I used to feel that telling her that I loved her was needed.

 

Her answer, 100% of the time, when I would say it was "I don't know that."

 

So, I had to become more clever.

 

 

 

You are still in the early stages, right?

 

On screen and if by telephone it is hard to convey the message of inner feelings between the both of you. It may seem hard to do, but slow down a little. Your fear of being burned is a good thing. Go see her, make more than one trip if possible. I would bet that she has some fears also, so give her space to determine what she sees.

 

Don't anticipate failure, but realize that you may have to accept it if the chemistry is not there after meeting in person.

 

Set you relationship up for victory, not failure. If you believe in one path, or that the relationship will die because removing one of your beliefs that makes up love, it may die. Be open minded, but not to the point you become blind.

[credzba]

It is my understanding that Chinese culture very much believes in doing, instead of saying.

 

Say "Wo ai ni" till you are out of breath and it means nothing.

 

Act, showing her you care for and respect her, then you are saying "Wo ai ni" the proper way.

 

Same other way, do not expect her to say "I love you", but watch what she does for you, and realize every act of love she performs is saying "I love you" to you. Don't forget to appreciate her acts of love as much or more than the words. Otherwise you will frustrate her by making her feel you dont appreciate her love.

 

When I first met my wife online, she almost left me, I didn't know it at the time. She had made up her mind to dump me though.

 

I had told her my heart wanted to love her, but my brain told me I could not be in love with someone I had never met.

She was deeply troubled one day, I didn't know why (in her mind she was telling me goodbye but had not brought herself to say it).

I was so upset, because she was hurt about something that I wired flowers to her work, saying "I hope your day is better. I am sad because you are sad".

 

She changed her mind and kept me. Only 6 months later, did she explain all this too me. I never knew that one ACT of love on my part made the difference between a good bye and a good life.

 

Needless to say I appreciate, respect, and yes love her every day.

I have to actively think about the culture difference though.

I have to remember to act, not say.

[Dennis143]

I wonder how someone call truly tell someone over the internet that they are in love. Especially, so early in a relationship. Sure, there may be some traits about her that are endearing and that you love about her. Yes, you may have chosen to love her, just as I chose to love my wife early in our relationship, even though I wasn't necessarily in love with her yet. If this applies to you, explain your feelings of how you love certain traits about her and why you have chosen to love her. To simply say I love you without reason may sound hollow to her.

 

Otherwise, I would suggest not being so forward about openingly stating your love for her right now. Let your thoughts and kindness show through. That will allow her to trust you and possibly allow her fondness to grow into love for you.

 

These online courtships sometimes need to be slowly watered and tended to before they will blossom fully, if at all. It sounds as though she is leary and cautious and this is a good thing.

[david_dawei]

It is my understanding that Chinese culture very much believes in doing, instead of saying.

this is the crux of the issue... words are empty of proof. there is a very long history to the culture and a 'wise man acts when others speak' is the hallmark of their way.

 

If you could act like a married couple from the get go, what kinds of things would you "do" for her.. the quicker you are able to act towards her well being and security the faster she sees you care...

[Corbin]

Hey I wanted to say thank to all of the answers that I have received so far. I have to say that I did not think of these things and the internet courting is new to me. The idea of showing the love without saying anything is some what a new thing to me also.

 

All of these ideas give me some things to think about. I was thinking like a westerner more than looking at the bigger picture. If any of you have more ideas please tell me.

[david_dawei]

go visit her.. it's the only way you both know.. good luck..

[chilton747]

go visit her.. it's the only way you both know.. good luck..

Ditto..........face to face is the only way.

[yuan fen]

I have a....a.....a... what did you call it? a "holiday wife,"

 

She's called CFL.

 

 

 

Joking aside,

 

Don't run off just yet Corbin.

 

You seem like a real nice guy,

 

Really you do.........

 

You have nothing to worry about........

 

 

 

So, go see her.

 

Let us know in a few days.

 

Week, month, plan it out.

 

"You want to see she from." Right?

 

Go see her.

 

She has to be comfortable also,

 

but keep your eyes open if you cross over..

 

I don't want to read about you in despare, just keep and open mind

 

but don't be blind.

 

 

 

Oh, and tell us what you seen.

[Corbin]

I have a....a.....a... what did you call it? a "holiday wife,"

She's called CFL.

 

Joking aside,

Don't run off just yet Corbin.

You seem like a real nice guy,

Really you do.........

You have nothing to worry about........

 

So, go see her.

Let us know in a few days.

Week, month, plan it out.

"You want to see she from." Right?

Go see her.

She has to be comfortable also,

but keep your eyes open if you cross over..

I don't want to read about you in despare, just keep and open mind

but don't be blind.

 

Oh, and tell us what you seen.

 

Hey thanks and I do feel better after hearing what all of you had to say. I feel a little foolish now, mind you only a little foolish. I will get over the feeling of foolishness and be stronger because of it.