educating your fiance/wife on culture and safety

[lyscra]

Hello,

 

I had a question for those of you that have anyone that may have experience on this. My fiance is a very old fashioned and easygoing lady. Just as an example, she is tiny, and when I first got to china she walked in front of me at her own pace and people walked into her and bumped her and she got knocked about (to my dismay) but it was normal for her so she just kept on going (that ended about, oh, 28 horrifying seconds after I recognized the trend). She is very laid back and accepting. My question here is: what others have done to re-educate their fiance/wife culturally to keep them safe here in the US?

 

Thanks!

[dnoblett]

I let Yu know that people in cars, and motor vehicles tend to not look and watch for pedestrians and people on bikes, so no just stepping into the street and assuming that the motorists will just drive around her like they do back in China.

[tywy_99]

Hello,

 

I had a question for those of you that have anyone that may have experience on this. My fiance is a very old fashioned and easygoing lady. Just as an example, she is tiny, and when I first got to china she walked in front of me at her own pace and people walked into her and bumped her and she got knocked about (to my dismay) but it was normal for her so she just kept on going (that ended about, oh, 28 horrifying seconds after I recognized the trend). She is very laid back and accepting. My question here is: what others have done to re-educate their fiance/wife culturally to keep them safe here in the US?

 

Thanks!

They're smart enough to learn it on theirselves, I feel. I'm reminded of the time I saw my wife cut right in front of this little old lady in the produce section like it was nothing to it! Of course, there is nothing to it in China but here in the states it's considered rude and a violation of ones space and privacy. I'll never forget the look onthat old lady's face! And my wife, not noticing anything, only getting the vegetables she was after.

I think your gal will be okay. It will come natural to you in explaining the do's and dont's of things as they come to mind or present themselves, as you will soon see!

[lyscra]

She told me last night that she had never seen Star Wars

 

I take nothing for granted now

[dnoblett]

She told me last night that she had never seen Star Wars

 

I take nothing for granted now

Yep same with Yu! Some serious catching up to do.

[tywy_99]

She told me last night that she had never seen Star Wars

 

I take nothing for granted now

...and never do! Never take for granted that she knows what you are thinking about or doing the same way that you think about it. That is the first lesson you will learn because we, as couples, never think the same. It's "east meets west". It's nothing like "the girl next door."

Remember this. It may save you one day.

There is so much involved in an interracial relationship that no one can tell it all to you. You will see for yourself. There's nothing bad here that I'm saying. I'm only saying that it can, and will be a challenge in all steps. Just be aware of it and give her all of your love. It will all work out.

Edited April 9, 2007 by tywy_99 (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

this is a worthwhile topic.. and probably belongs in culture..

 

My approach to my wife's insensitive, incosiderate, rude, bumping behavior is to attempt to see it from her point of view; electronics don't apologize for following the path they natural follow

 

Due to her lack of english on arrival, it was difficult to attempt any explanation; and they work better by interacting with the environment and learning/adjusting. A very few times, I have grabbed her arm and pointed out the issues and she gets better.

 

As to bumping into people.. that's always an interesting one, how people consider it rude... the incredulous stare back is something to frankly get a chuckle about IMO... people are really caught up in themselves too much at times. But I guess that comes with a highly moralistic society based on expected formalities and rules to follow.

[lyscra]

She told me last night that she had never seen Star Wars

 

I take nothing for granted now

...and never do! Never take for granted that she knows what you are thinking about or doing the same way that you think about it. That is the first lesson you will learn because we, as couples, never think the same. It's "east meets west". It's nothing like "the girl next door."

Remember this. It may save you one day.

There is so much involved in an interracial relationship that no one can tell it all to you. You will see for yourself. There's nothing bad here that I'm saying. I'm only saying that it can, and will be a challenge in all steps. Just be aware of it and give her all of your love. It will all work out.

 

Wow! That was like taking a punch... LOL

 

There is probably no finer advice than this on this web board.

 

Thanks tywy_99!

[SheLikesME?]

I let Yu know that people in cars, and motor vehicles tend to not look and watch for pedestrians and people on bikes, so no just stepping into the street and assuming that the motorists will just drive around her like they do back in China.

I had a boss who stepped right out in front of an oncoming car in Downtown Ft Worth. I tried grabbing him but lost. The lady in the car couldn't believe her eys but stopped in time. I had to explain to him it was a different way of being polite. Pedestrians should be polite to the cars. He had lived in CA too long and was arrogant about it. I see this in western states, so maybe our OP is OK in AZ.

 

David I don't want to debate and I am not sure of all the reasons but I remember an America that was as close to their neighbors as what I saw in China. Touching, helping, going in and out of other's property was always open and OK. I would say everyone was more moralistic then than now. I think Airconditioning and afluence has more to do with it than anything else. We got isolatedfrom each other and into our entertainment on TV more and more and selfish. I just think we are more selfish not moral. Maybe definition of terms are different between us. Just thought I would comment. I LOVE THE BUMPING & closeness in China. Bejing being the COLDEST place I have been in China. Wife and I just discussed this.

 

FINALLY she is sharing her words on her culture to me. All this time I wonder if she has been trying to be too Western in front of me!!!!! I think so especially if you read my comments about how she came to my house trying to be so non-chinese. Her return to China after her short USA visit has done what I had hoped it would do, I think & HOPE!

 

On to the topic: We have had some threads about this. I personally think it is a HUGE responsibility. I FEAR for her life and injury in driving a car. She does things expecting others to be watching her, like in CHina. You just can't pull out in front of a speeding teenage girl with her cell phone to her ear and a teenage girl passenger giggling and talking to her too. Wife said she has brakes.

 

Look it isn't that bad. Just tell her to be herself and bring her chopsticks. You love her the way she is. Everything will be fine.

[SheLikesME?]

My biggest worry before she arrived was the lonelyness in America. David hits on such a key thing that surprised me on my first trip away from the Americas. I had no idea we had the walls between us the way we do. In Madrid there is very little "MY SPACE". It is even better in Asia with China being the best place I have been. I still don't know her reaction to not being able to do much without going in an isolated car. She didn't notice how she violated several paoples space in the stores like tywy_99 said. BUT, on the otherhand, strangers felt SOOO comfortable coming up to her and asking about her boots, or grabbing her to pull her out of the way of a wet floor. SO, her open free (people loving?) attitude I think was refreshing for them. I saw some people in the store who spoke with her, study her a little and analysed and realised she WAS aproachable. She was kind of a magnet. So from that point of view.........well of course she didn't cut those people off, HAHAHAHAHA

 

Even with fluent English my wife felt terrible about her English. She couldn't understand anyone. Thay all talked too fast. But she was a trooper.

[david_dawei]

I remember an America that was as close to their neighbors as what I saw in China. Touching, helping, going in and out of other's property was always open and OK. I would say everyone was more moralistic then than now. I think Airconditioning and afluence has more to do with it than anything else. We got isolatedfrom each other and into our entertainment on TV more and more and selfish. I just think we are more selfish not moral. Maybe definition of terms are different between us.

People used to think of terms like "thou shalt not..." as pointing to themself.. I think now we tend to want to project that what we expect others to be doing (more than ourselves).

 

So, I think there is a shift in morality.. a shift from self accountabilty to a more social one.. thus, I tend to see a social morality in society which I think takes the focus off one's own responsibilities to society and looks rather at everyone else's instead.. creates the 'victimization' culture IMO.

 

What's replacing the individual morality is individual selfishness and materialism that you mention... I think I do agree with your point but as a shift and replacement kind of process that occurred.

Edited April 13, 2007 by DavidZixuan (see edit history)

[SheLikesME?]

I remember an America that was as close to their neighbors as what I saw in China. Touching, helping, going in and out of other's property was always open and OK. I would say everyone was more moralistic then than now. I think Airconditioning and afluence has more to do with it than anything else. We got isolatedfrom each other and into our entertainment on TV more and more and selfish. I just think we are more selfish not moral. Maybe definition of terms are different between us.

People used to think of terms like "thou shalt not..." as pointing to themself.. I think now we tend to want to project that what we expect others to be doing (more than ourselves).

 

So, I think there is a shift in morality.. a shift from self accountabilty to a more social one.. thus, I tend to see a social morality in society which I think takes the focus off one's own responsibilities to society and looks rather at everyone else's instead.. creates the 'victimization' culture IMO.

 

What's replacing the individual morality is individual selfishness and materialism that you mention... I think I do agree with your point but as a shift and replacement kind of process that occurred.

So we have become PC

 

I see what your saying Dave. Takes me awhile

[ameriken]

People used to think of terms like "thou shalt not..." as pointing to themself.. I think now we tend to want to project that what we expect others to be doing (more than ourselves).

 

So, I think there is a shift in morality.. a shift from self accountabilty to a more social one.. thus, I tend to see a social morality in society which I think takes the focus off one's own responsibilities to society and looks rather at everyone else's instead.. creates the 'victimization' culture IMO.

 

What's replacing the individual morality is individual selfishness and materialism that you mention... I think I do agree with your point but as a shift and replacement kind of process that occurred.

Very very interesting observation David. I have to agree.

[tywy_99]

People used to think of terms like "thou shalt not..." as pointing to themself.. I think now we tend to want to project that what we expect others to be doing (more than ourselves).

 

So, I think there is a shift in morality.. a shift from self accountabilty to a more social one.. thus, I tend to see a social morality in society which I think takes the focus off one's own responsibilities to society and looks rather at everyone else's instead.. creates the 'victimization' culture IMO.

 

What's replacing the individual morality is individual selfishness and materialism that you mention... I think I do agree with your point but as a shift and replacement kind of process that occurred.

Very very interesting observation David. I have to agree.

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[Randy W]

 

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GET AWAY FROM THE TV, TY. NOW !!?!

 

Check out Mike's movie. It looks good.