Greatest Fear about bringing chinese wife to America

[Dennis143]

Dern, Byron, such a rapid-fire, shotgun post of points. Not so sure that I agree with them all, but that's OK.

 

This statement was facinating:

I have been to China many many times and at first everything seemed just like any other city in the U.S.

 

Don't know what cities you visited, but Nanning was so dissimilar to any US city it was down right freaky. I definately knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore.

[Guest Byron]

Dern, Byron, such a rapid-fire, shotgun post of points. Not so sure that I agree with them all, but that's OK.

 

This statement was facinating:

I have been to China many many times and at first everything seemed just like any other city in the U.S.

 

Don't know what cities you visited, but Nanning was so dissimilar to any US city it was down right freaky. I definately knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore.

 

Dennis, I have been to Dalian, shenyang, BJ, Chengdu, Xichang, all cities that seem similar to U.S. big cities, except Dalian is cleaner than any U.S. city. I have been to Xichang which is considered small city of half million, but seemed big city to me. Dalian is actually more advanced than most U.S. cities as they have futuristic monorail from the city to the development zone. Pictures of Shenzhen and Shanghai look like NY, etc.Even my ex wife when she first came here said the cities look just like Dalian. She came to Houston and said it looks just like Dalian. I am not sure if I agree with that but there are similarities.

[david_dawei]

Dern, Byron, such a rapid-fire, shotgun post of points. Not so sure that I agree with them all, but that's OK.

 

This statement was facinating:

I have been to China many many times and at first everything seemed just like any other city in the U.S.

 

Don't know what cities you visited, but Nanning was so dissimilar to any US city it was down right freaky. I definately knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore.

I did find it downright well written and funny... but an exaggerated western view that the eastern person will go through is a little presumptuous to me.

 

Shell shocked by free press: I don't think so. free to open one's big mouth is about what it amounts to.. She reads the chinese papers in the US, the paper is free. That's the kind of free she likes.

 

Get her own computer to keep in contact with family: I don't think so. that's what a phone is for. Everyone in china has a phone. Maybe use the computer to make the calls or check free email.

 

Get expensive cable to keep up with what goes on in china: I don't think so. She's only interested in her friends and her hometown. The phone covers it again. The computer gives us free TV over the internet, there's lots of free streamers from china.

 

(I'm surprised at how many chinese I ask don't seem to know about the new train lines from east china to Tibet... none seem that interested after I told them).

 

Shell shocked about difference in government: I don't think so.. but this does come closest to her eyes opening: How inefficient and how incompetent the US government and laws are (federal, state, local).

 

There might be some chinese who come to the US to get fully immerged and became a good old western, dualistic, moralist judging all things as good or bad relative to their homeland.

 

The chinese I've meet simply are chinese in america; living as they want and doing as they want within the structure of this country.. which means they build up networks of people to help them get around all the inefficiencies. Somehow, they seem to accomplish more with less than I have figured out how to do my whole life here.

 

After one year, her concerns remain mostly the same; What's going on today and tomorrow. If there's any debt, why didn't we pay it off yesterday? And what movie is playing tonight on the computer...

[Randy W]

Dang! He did it! He de-registered!

[papa bear]

Don't be too worried about having Chinese around as she can always make friends with Americans. My wife's introduction went very smoothly as she slipped into the community here. The first 6 months were spent traveling, riding the bikes and climbing mountains.

I guess some SO's have had trouble but not mine.

I think this is the key, help to keep her busy untill life becomes more normal for her, when boredom sits in homesickness will get worse.

If she is having trouble with the language transition, get her into an ESL class and work with her as much as possible.

If she can make friends with other Americans that want to spend time with her the communication will help a lot.

How well she is excepted in the community I think will be a big issue, I am glad I have a friends where I live that are anxious to meet my wife and I know they will be a big help.

I am lucky that I am retired and when she does come to the states I can be with her as much as she needs me, and there is so much to see that I can keep her so busy it won't be long before she will want a break to just relax.

Where we will live crime isn't an issue so I don't see a problem there.

If she wants to work help her find a job as soon as she feels comfortable enough to take a job.

My wife has good english skills but is hampered by the fact that she still lives in a world where Chinese is the spoken language.

The school where my daughter will go has a boy that is from Russia, he has been going there for 2 years and you would never know by talking to him that he wasn't born in the U.S.

I have friends that came to America from Poland, Romania, China, Iraq, Jordan, Isreal and because they lived in a community where there was nobody that spoke their native language they now speak almost perfect english, some you can't detect any accent.

On the other hand I also know people from other countries that have always lived in a community where it was dominated by people that did speak there native language and their english is sub-standard.

I beleave that if you keep her busy, try to find ways to keep her excited about her new life, in time she will adjust just fine.

And last but not least, When in doubt you can always turn to CFL for help.

Good luck with your future

[kangjie]

It is true that your wife may be homesick; however, she will make friends in the US and can always call and use the webcam to "visit" her relatives. There is alot to be said for the USA. Shenzhen is not crime free, in fact I often hear about the crime in this city. USA has clean drinking water and lots too see. She will most likely enjoy living here. Its true, find her an Asian store in your area.

 

Ya, anyone that thinks Shenzhen has no crime is watching too much cctv, which is 99% of what is on t.v. In fact Shenzhen has one of the highest crime rates in all of china, everything from organized crime, to murders, extortion, white collar crime, street crime. Welcome to America where there is free press. She will notice the news is filled with crime stories locally and nationwide because U.S. has free press and China news is censured by the government. They denied AIDS for many years and denied they even has SARS until the WHO exposed the disease coverup. She will be shellshocked by the free press but her mind will already be brainwashed from China propagana over many years. China TV, radio, and news is very Nationalistic but very slowly changing. Next, she will have to learn to drive (Welcome to America) and no .50-$1 taxi ride. Get her, her own computer with Chinese windows and that way she can maintain contact with all her friends and family if they have computer. She can also keep up with what is going on in China. Dish network has good package of Chinese stations, CCTV9 will do her no good as it is in all Enlish, and again propagands. The Chinese package is very expensive though, at least the last time I checked. Have her learn how to shoot a gun, then have her carry if you are in a state that permits this. I don't know why but the Chinese girls always win the gold medals in the Olympics for the shooting competition. Teach her about how this country is governed as compared to China. She will not care anyway as in China the people have no say who gets in office. Only in the long term will she realize the difference between a democratic and communist run government. She will be shell shocked so just have to be patient. I have been to China many many times and at first everything seemed just like any other city in the U.S., but the more I went, the more I saw how opposite the 2 countries are.

 

I think I will wait and check her temper out a little before I get her the gun.

[tonado]

Let us not debate about guns for Chinese SOs.

[SinoTexas]

Dern, Byron, such a rapid-fire, shotgun post of points. Not so sure that I agree with them all, but that's OK.

 

This statement was facinating:

I have been to China many many times and at first everything seemed just like any other city in the U.S.

 

Don't know what cities you visited, but Nanning was so dissimilar to any US city it was down right freaky. I definately knew I wasn't in Kansas anymore.

I did find it downright well written and funny... but an exaggerated western view that the eastern person will go through is a little presumptuous to me.

 

Shell shocked by free press: I don't think so. free to open one's big mouth is about what it amounts to.. She reads the chinese papers in the US, the paper is free. That's the kind of free she likes.

 

Get her own computer to keep in contact with family: I don't think so. that's what a phone is for. Everyone in china has a phone. Maybe use the computer to make the calls or check free email.

 

Get expensive cable to keep up with what goes on in china: I don't think so. She's only interested in her friends and her hometown. The phone covers it again. The computer gives us free TV over the internet, there's lots of free streamers from china.

 

(I'm surprised at how many chinese I ask don't seem to know about the new train lines from east china to Tibet... none seem that interested after I told them).

 

Shell shocked about difference in government: I don't think so.. but this does come closest to her eyes opening: How inefficient and how incompetent the US government and laws are (federal, state, local).

 

There might be some chinese who come to the US to get fully immerged and became a good old western, dualistic, moralist judging all things as good or bad relative to their homeland.

 

The chinese I've meet simply are chinese in america; living as they want and doing as they want within the structure of this country.. which means they build up networks of people to help them get around all the inefficiencies. Somehow, they seem to accomplish more with less than I have figured out how to do my whole life here.

 

After one year, her concerns remain mostly the same; What's going on today and tomorrow. If there's any debt, why didn't we pay it off yesterday? And what movie is playing tonight on the computer...

 

I appreciate your insight to the Eastern way of thinking David. It has given me additional insight into the mind of a Chinese spouse. It has also provided me with good conversation material between me and my fiancee. I think your information gives one a pretty good understanding of what might to expect in a Western - Chinese relationship.

 

While I like your insight, it only offers a one-way view of a Western - Chinese relationship. My fiancee has expressed similar thoughts in our discussions, but she must be very different from the Chinese women you have associated with. My fiancee is working very hard to learn English, as she knows, that will be the language that she will primarily need for the rest of her life once she arrives in the US. She is also working very, very hard to understand the culture, manners and life in the US. Not a day goes by when she doesn't have a series of questions about some aspect of American culture. I am trying to prepare her for life in the USA. While it might help for me to understand her way of thinking in our relationship, she is keenly aware that it is she, that will make the bulk of the cultural adjustments, because the USA will be her new home (yes, she calls the USA, her new home). She is reading books and other information on life in the US and when she reads something she doesn't understand, she is not afraid to ask me. She wants to adapt to life here in the US. I asked her why she is putting so much effort into learning American culture before she arrives. She mentioned, the Chinese aspect of saving face. She wants to make a good impression here in the US and does not want to appear to be unaware of American culture and manners. She said she does not want to embarrass herself or me when it come to meeting and socializing with people in the US. I'm very proud of her for making the effort. We had a discussion about me acquiring a Chinese name and she said she did not want me to have a Chinese name. She said, you are an American and you should be proud of your English name. She said that her family accepts me as an American and that they are proud to have a future son-in-law that has an English name. Her family is proud of the fact that the can pronounce, read and write my name in English. They will even write it for their friends to show that they can write their future son-in-laws name in English!

 

She wants to experience, learn and adapt to all things American (whatever American means) and wants to cook western food, learn western music, join my church and so on. I said that we can go shopping at Asian stores which are about an hour away. She said that maybe once a month we could go, but that she is far more interested in shopping in American grocery stores (look out HEB) and department stores. Welcome to America.

 

She's very excited about coming to the US based on our conversations, her readings and conversation with friends that are already in either the US or Canada. She does talk about the freedoms and is astounded at the things that we can do here, that would never be tolerated in China.

 

Yes our government may not be perfect and it certainly has its flaws. But thanks to the government and enacted laws, my fiancee will be able to drink the water without worry, step out doors and breath clean air, ride in a vehicle that meets safety standards, go to the grocery store and purchase food without worry about safe eating, gmedical care, economic opportunities, and so on. Yep, there are exceptions and there are times the system breaks down, but overall, it works. There are still millions of people trying to get into the US, both legally and illegally, so something must be appealing here in the USA.

 

Perhaps it would be a bigger service for us to prepare our spouses and fiancees for what life will be like in the USA. Have them understand the Western way of thinking so that their transition to life in the USA will be a little easier. Unless one is going to live in a completely Chinese cultural environment here in the USA, I think we need to do a better job of preparing our spouses and fiancees for life here in the USA. I know that when I have been assigned to overseas projects, I have had to attend a cultural awareness classes prior to my going over. For the most part, they will spending the remainder of their lives here, unless one chooses to return to China and live out their lives there.

 

I am hoping that with all this preparation, that the culture shock, especially to Texas, will be less on her. She will have enough things to deal with once she is here and having a better understanding of our culture, will put less strain on our early marriage, and life in general. I'll not have to worry about mops, but heaven help me if she ever comes across those branding irons...

 

Throughout our courtship, I have said that I do not want her to lose her Chinese heritage because she is Chinese. She then stated, "yes, I am Chinese but soon, I will be Chinese - American". She then paused and corrected herself. "No, soon I will be a Chinese - Texan".

 

Keep up the great work David. While I don't always agree with your thoughts, you do put out some great information.

 

As aye,

 

Jim

Edited January 4, 2007 by SinoTexas (see edit history)

[david_dawei]

While I like your insight, it only offers a one-way view of a Western - Chinese relationship.

this is just pendulum posting.. he posted one extreme (IMO); so to show a point, I posted the other.. not everyone is at the same spot; everyone is somewhere in this wide stratum.. your post moves it back towards the middle...

 

To me, the important thing is to understand and know you SO; proceed from that, not to force feed her.

 

I think we agree at the fundatmental level more than it appears since you appear to follow the idea I mention: You talk with her, your trying to understand her wants/desire, etc. Based on what you articulate about her, she is one who wants to assimilate more than less.

 

But you cannot fully prepare someone to US culture if they cannot even speak a word of english. So one must simply work with the material on hand... my wife is not one to 'over-think'.. just take things as they come.. she won't worry about embarassing herself, she just do what's natural and learn along the way. She studies english compulsively (turns on the computer lesson, uses an MP4 with headphones, etc... As a pratical manner, she knows that to make more money or to get ahead, one needs english here; so she studies hard.

 

But I think that sometimes we overplay "shell shock" or "culture shock".. again, it really depends on your SO's personality, expectations, etc. She may be 'shocked' or she may not.

 

Frankly, one really should know their SO in terms of how to approach perparation by the time they come here (we've got one year).. doesn't mean it's all in place and their fully prepared, but that we understand the challenges and actions that will hopefully work best..and then we change them along the way.

 

But to one of your points.. many on CFL talk of retiring to China.. ergo, spending the rest of their live in china.. so this is one reality for some.

 

good post jim !

[phantom1949]

I spend so much time here, but you all teach me so much.

[sleepless in Houston&CQ]

I arrived at the states only one week. haven't got homesick yet. My husband works at home.He complains that he can't concentrate when I'm around. So I stay out of his office when he is working.doing homechores,watching TV,reading books,working with the laptop.(I have problem to set up wireless network in my laptop so my husband let me using his). He comes to check me doing ok once in a while (he is such a sweet husband) and he takes me with him when he goes out for working.

He teaches me everything very patient. He praises and encourages me no matter what I do.He push me learning stand on my own feet. He makes any chance for me to do things by myself. I was scared and nervous of talking to others. I feel much relax now.

He takes me to visit one CFLer living in same city. (Andrew,thank you and Maggie for your kindness. I had very good time with your wife Maggie. I start to miss your little angel Alex. )

He always reminds me calling back to China. I call my son every day before he goes to bed. before I left China, I bought my son plenty of IP phone cards and taught him how to use it. So he calls me whenever he wants to talk.

I love the peaceful life in the States. I'm so lucky and blessed to have my husband sharing the rest of my life with.

Bobby's wife Emma

Edited January 4, 2007 by sleepless in Houston&CQ (see edit history)

[SinoTexas]

I arrived at the states only one week. haven't got homesick yet. My husband works at home.He complains that he can't concentrate when I'm around. So I stay out of his office when he is working.doing homechores,watching TV,reading books,working with the laptop.(I have problem to set up wireless network in my laptop so my husband let me using his). He comes to check me doing ok once in a while (he is such a sweet husband) and he takes me with him when he goes out for working.

He teaches me everything very patient. He praises and encourages me no matter what I do.He push me learning stand on my own feet. He makes any chance for me to do things by myself. I was scared and nervous of talking to others. I feel much relax now.

He takes me to visit one CFLer living in same city. (Andrew,thank you and Maggie for your kindness. I had very good time with your wife Maggie. I start to miss your little angel Alex. )

He always reminds me calling back to China. I call my son every day before he goes to bed. before I left China, I bought my son plenty of IP phone cards and taught him how to use it. So he calls me whenever he wants to talk.

I love the peaceful life in the States. I'm so lucky and blessed to have my husband sharing the rest of my life with.

Bobby's wife Emma

 

Howdy Emma and welcome to Texas. You got your hands full when you marry a Texan and Bobby is Texan to a T. I'm one of your neighbors just down the road a piece (about 100 miles west) which by Texas standards is just down the block. I'm looking forward to meeting you. Have your hubby head out this way for some Texas style bar-b-que. Glad to have you here on CFL and in Texas!

 

As aye,

 

Jim

[sleepless in Houston&CQ]

Thanks for your nice words,Jim.

CFL is like a big family. We are like bothers and sisters.I'm looking forward to meeting you and your wife.

Bobby's wife Emma

[phantom1949]

Emma:

 

Welcome. Bobby speaks so highly of you. You make him very happy.

 

I'm in Austin so as was said by Texas standards we are all around the corner.

 

Bobby and I connected today on Yahoo messenger so if your bored during the day IM me and say hello.

 

Lawrence

 

 

 

 

Paula: So what happened today with your son????

 

We all want to know.

[sleepless in Houston&CQ]

Thank you,lawrence.

I'll add you in my Yahoo friend list. I log in Yahoo very rarely since we got together. Bobby was the only reason I logged in Yahoo.

I'm very happy to know some neighbours in Texas. Nice to know you.

Bobby's wife Emma